After wandering for days with my mind, body and spirit split from each other, I decided to do what I could to bring them back together.
Sunshine could tell that I was still being affected by my mother, so he did what he could to draw me out of myself. I wasn’t speaking a lot, and I had forgotten that I was on a journey to find myself. I had stopped trying.
“Family is awful sometimes,” he said “They know how to hurt us the most. Why don’t you come and see my mom with me? It might make you feel better.”
I was a little shocked. “You still talk to your mom?”
“Yeah, of course I do,” Sunshine said.
I gestured at the concrete jungle around us, the people milling about on the streets too busy with their own tasks to acknowledge us. “But we’re here.” I said, as if that explained everything.
“Well, she let’s me live my own life, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have a relationship. When I get tired of being here, I can always go see my mother for an afternoon.”
“She let’s you live like this?” I was still hurting from what had happened with my mother, still not able to see on the other side of it.
“If you mean that she lets me live my own life, but she’s still there for me, then yes. She does.” He gave me a wink and a cigarette. “Come on, I’m taking you home to my mom. You need a hug.”
“You gave me a hug this morning.”
“Not the same and you know it.”
We took the bus to go see her. It felt like an extravagance, and I wondered when it would feel normal being in one world but coming from another.
On the bus, Sunshine and I sat in silence for a while, and I enjoyed the hum of the traffic and the sound of conversation. I tried to hear the music within the noise, the beauty within the racket, trying to distract myself from the torrent of water that still threatened to take me over. My emotions were all over the place and I found myself filled with sudden bursts of anger and shame. I tried to put that emotion into writing, to let the words flow from me, but they were stuck, too concerned with the fact that they might hurt someone else as much as I was hurting to come out onto the paper.
When we got to Sunshine’s mothers place, she greeted us at the door with a bright smile. She took me into a hug right away and it warm and comfortable. “Call me Sarah, everyone does, even this one.” She jerked a thumb at Sunshine. “You’d think he would have learned some manners by now.”
“I learned my manners from you,” Sunshine said with a smirk. Turning to me, he said “Don’t believe a thing she says. She’s lying.”
“Takes one to know one, son of mine.” Sarah looked at me, really took me in. “I’m sorry, but where are my manners? Come here, I want to give you a hug.”
“You already gave me one.”
“That was hello hug. Not a hug to help you heal. Come here, I won’t bite.”
“Unless you want her to,” Rainbow said cheekily. “I’m going to make a cup of tea, Do you want one, Jamie?” Not waiting for an answer, he went into the kitchen.
Sara wrapped her arms around me and this time, the hug felt different. It felt motherly and comforting. She held me while I cried, and I let the tears fall from my eyes. Sarah must have known that they were soaking into her shirt, but she didn’t stop hugging me. She said nothing, but made gentle noises while I cried and patted me gently on the back.
When the tears stopped, Sarah stepped back from me and held me at arms length. “There now, you look a million times better. You can’t hold on to all that sadness, Jamie. It eats you up. Instead, you have to make something from all those emotions.”
I shook my head. “My words keep getting stuck.”
“And so they will after a great upset. But you know what I believe? I believe that the greatest things are created when we’re full of emotions. Keep writing. Here,” She went to the kitchen and got a journal from a drawer. “I keep them around for Sunshine. He’s always writing something. Now you can, too.”
“Thank you, Sarah.”
“Never you mind. And don’t you worry, your mother will come around to the changes that are taking place for her, even as your whole world has changed. You’ll find each other again.”
“Mom, can I put brandy in my tea?” Rainbow asked.
“No you certainly can’t.” She slapped his hand as Rainbow reached for the bottle. “And don’t you worry, Jamie. I’ll be your mom for now.”
“Hey,” Sunshine said. “You’re my mother.”
“I have plenty of love to go around, I can be mom to both of you.”
“Fine, I’ve always wanted a brother anyways.”
We all sat with our tea, the steam coming from the cups, and I finally felt that I was going to be okay. I heard the water in me begin to rain and I wondered what would grow within me. As the rain continued, I flipped my new journal open to the first page and took hold of a pen, ready for the words to come.
It was where we gathered when we had nothing to do and wanted to be with others but still have the freedom to be outside. There was a Coffee Revolution on one side with a large patio and on the other side, there was a Scotiabank. There were other little stores too, but we stayed away from those stores. We felt comfortable more out in the open areas. I know that I felt safer among a group of people than I did sleeping in the shelters. I had stayed at the Ottawa Mission before, and I had felt like I was out there for the world to gawk at.
When I had stayed at the Ottawa Mission, I’d had a clean room with four walls and a small window, a simple bed with clean sheets and a blanket. It is a place for healing, but when you come out of there, people look at you differently. Your story is visible for everyone to see, and you don’t belong to anyone.
Among the people here, I was among my family. Sunshine and the people I knew here had become part of me in some way. I was surprised by how quickly you could form a bond with someone. All you had here was your word and your reputation. As long as I was honest about who I was and treated people kindly until they gave me a reason not to, I could be part of this family. It was that simple to have a family and I had never experienced anything like it. In my biological and extended families, there were lies, memories held onto for too long, jealousy and pain caused by other people. There were shadows with the occasional moment of light. There were promises that were broken time and time again.
With the people here on the streets, we supported one another, and we fought for each other. These were my brothers and sisters, and this surprised me. To be accepted for who I was and the fact that people wanted to know me was mind-blowingly amazing. It felt wonderful not to justify who I was and talk about what had brought me here. I simple was.
At the end of the day, we would go back to wherever we had found to sleep and rest our heads, but during the day, we always found each other. It was like there was a homing beacon that led us together.
I remember sitting in the square one day with my family, the sun bright on my face and in my eyes. I turned to look away from the suns rays and found myself looking at my mother. She was walking with a friend and looked just as shocked to see me as I was to see her. I hadn’t thought I’d ever see my mother here, but I knew that she often went out on Friday nights of went shopping on the weekends. Still, it I had never thought that I would see her here, or rather that I couldn’t comprehend the sudden clash of my two worlds: where I had been and where I was now.
My mother did not slow down when she saw me. She continued talking to her friend and kept walking. Her eyes looked at me though and I tried to hear what my mother was saying without the power of words. I felt an ocean stretch between us, each of us on our own island and unable to touch each other. I watched the current take my mother away from me and into the waves.
I sat there stunned, my head filled only with the sound of waves and the scrape of metal and steel when the waves hit the rocks around me. I tried to think of what she could have done, what kind of life receiver she could have thrown me, and my brain came up completely empty except for the sound of the waves hitting the rocks with furious abandonment. I knew at that moment that if I didn’t give up an offering of some kind, the wave would take me, too.
Closing my eyes, I tried to delve into the wires, skin and light. It took me a while to find it, but it was still pristine. It was the mind garden that I carried with me, the plants the result of everything I had planted.
Around me, my family carried on and I could hear the gentle sounds of their voices, but I was still within myself. I knew what I had to give to the waters, what I could freely give them in order the calm the waters within me. I didn’t want to break, not now, not after all this time. My mother told me that I would have to learn to do everything by myself, that nobody else would be able to do it for me.
Up until quite recently, my mother had been the one who had helped me and made me realize that anything I wanted to do was possible, despite being disabled. She had helped me to realize that even though I had difficulties I had to fight against every day, I could fight the battle. Even better, I could win.
I just didn’t realize that when my mother had said that I would have to do everything by myself and nobody else was going to help me, she was also talking about herself.
I reached down and gently plucked the Lily-of-the-Valley. Its petals were a wonder of blue, a few different shades so that the petals were made of water. The petals had reminded me of sapphires, and they always shone like beacons in the dark when I got lost for too long among my plants.
I went to the small pond in the centre of my mind and placed the lily within the water. The hiss of the waves and the strong screech of metal stopped. I wondered where the currents would take the lily. I knew only that by the time I saw it again, I might be ready to see my mother again.
I don’t like a lot of nudity in the tarot decks that I use.
It kind of bothers me when The Star and The Lovers in the RWS Tarot have people who are nude. For some reason, I’m not bothered by the naked bums in the Judgement card. It sort of bugs me when I look at the Devil card, but not really. I mean, that card kind of makes it look as if the two people kind of asked for it, you know?
The four Aces of the Sirena Tarot.
I’m not against nudity at all, I just find it distracting when you’re trying to connect with a card and you’re confronted by different body parts and genitals (sometimes bigger than they need to be). I’m supposed to be connecting to spirit, not wondering if I should ask the gentleman out for a drink or giving him a fiver.
I know that the nudity represents a vulnerability that we’re supposed to vibe with, and I’m supposed to be vulnerable, too, or at least reflect on what it feels like when I’m totally and completely myself. The fact that certain people within the tapestry of a tarot deck are nude or partially nude is a given, but I usually find myself looking away from the nudity out of respect. I feel like I’m catching them in a moment when they would rather be left alone.
Which is why I’m so surprised by the Sirena Tarot.
I love the decks created by Jens Friborg so much. He’s creator of the Tarocchi Tarot, both the regular edition and the vintage edition. I have the vintage edition and love it so much. When I saw the Kickstarter for The Sirena Tarot pop into my email, I went to look right away and backed it without looking at the photos. All I knew was that it would be amazing quality and beautifully done. After backing the deck, I went to look at the video he had prepared to introduce and was the deck and was met with mermaids.
My favourite cards in any tarot deck.
I looked through the cards he had posted as part of the campaign and found that the nudity didn’t bother me so much as captivate me. I mean, mermaids have always been naked in some way, open to the elements of the water and the sea. In fact, they can experience all the elements of the earth and Jens Friborg does such a remarkable job showing this in his cards.
I was surprised that the nudity didn’t bother me. There are humans, sea creatures and other beings that people this deck and all of them are naked in some way. The Sirena Tarot didn’t just ask me to confront myself and the emotions I carry (the waters full to the brim with emotions), it asked me to take a look at the fact that the body, be it human or merfolk, is beautiful. It asked me to take a deep gaze into the pools of water and look at my own preconceived notions of my own body.
The thing about this deck is that it does this in such a beautiful way. The colours are all softly muted but still so alive. There is a ton of nudity in this deck, both human and otherwise, but none of it is shocking or over the top. Instead, it’s a beautiful representation of bodies and the third time I was going through the cards, the nudity didn’t bother me at all. I could only see the beauty and symbolism that Mr. Friborg worked into each card.
There is so much to love about this deck. The cardstock is top notch and has a light linen finish. Along with the softly muted colours, this is what makes the cards feel like they came from a time long ago. From the card backs and cardstock to the gorgeous art, it’s like we’ve pulled the deck from the sand at our feet. It feels bright and new but has an air of the ancient about the deck.
Sirena is based around the Rider Waite Smith deck and the symbolism that we’re all familiar with, however it plays around with the symbolism in other cards such as in the Nine of Swords or the Three of Swords. He’s added so much of himself into this deck and Sirena is better for it.
The different versions of Death and The Emperor.
There are also alternate cards in the deck. Usually, it’s a different card for The Lovers, but in Sirena, we’re given two alternate cards, one for the Emperor and one for Death. I know that you could choose to keep in which ever card you prefer, but I’ve chosen to keep both extra cards. I mean, sometimes Death and the change that it brings can hurt. Sometimes, the Emperor isn’t kind. I love that Sirena reflects this.
I also want to talk about the box for a second. The other decks made by Mr. Friborg come in gorgeous tuck boxes. The box for Sirena is a hard case with magnetic closure. What struck me about it the most was that, aside from the words Mr. Friborg, Sirena and Go Deeper, there are no pictures or writing on the box. You are given no impression about the deck aside from the box’s beautiful orange colour. It’s when you open the box, you realize that you are opening yourself up to world of colour and the world that Sirena contains.
The guidebook is also a piece of art in and of itself. It fits inside the box and the text is easily readable. What I loved about it is that each card is given a quote that leads into what the card is about. My favourite card in any tarot deck is the Strength card. It’s the first card I look at and it helps me to understand a lot about the tone of the deck. The quote for the Strength is: “In the dance of power, true might flows from compassion and control.” It’s such a beautiful way to bring you into the story that each card tells. I also love how it’s not about positive or negative, upright or reversal meanings. In the guidebook, you’re given the description, as well as High Polarity and Low Polarity for each card. I love the thought that was put into the meanings for each card and the look of the paper within, as if you are holding a little book that was lost within the sand.
What a world Sirena is. It’s asked me to look at myself and my body, going deeper within myself then I thought possible to look at all the different facets of my life. I’ve been asked to re-examine my own ideas of what is beautiful and that any body in its natural form is beautiful. I love it when a tarot deck can do that because the art and the message come speak so clearly. There are mysteries in the water, but you can solve them if you go deeper.
I have a love and hate relationship with the Thoth Tarot.
Back in 2013, I was introduced to the deck and was immediately taken with it. I had been reading tarot for some time but wasn’t enamoured by it. When the Thoth Tarot came into my world, I was going through a life change.
I was dealing with the end of an abusive relationship and struggling against my own body as I tried to figure out a path ahead. I had been diagnosed with relapse remitting multiple sclerosis and my body was completely different to me now. I no longer knew my body or myself as I once had. I needed guidance to find my way in the world and I had so many questions about what lay ahead.
When I saw a post by one of my good friends, I thought this was the answer that I was looking for. She had been learning to read the Thoth tarot at a local shop and all the people in the class were giving tarot readings that evening on Halloween. I knew that I had to go and discover what spirit had in store for me and I thought it would be a wonderful way to spend Halloween.
The reading was a gorgeous experience and I fell in love with the Thoth Tarot as soon as I lay eyes on them. The cards were so vibrant and full of colour. The man who had taught her to read with the cards was giving another run through of his workshop and I signed up right away and got my own copy of the deck before I left the shop. It didn’t hurt that there was a spark of something between us. He asked me what my zodiac sign was and I told him that I was a Leo born on the cusp of Virgo. He looked up my birth date and time and confirmed that I was a full Leo.
Over the next six weeks, he taught a group of us to read the Thoth tarot with an intuitive focus and delve into the mysteries that the cards offered to us. He was a gifted teacher, pulling from the cards a world that I hadn’t known was possible. The cards became a part of my daily life and so did he in a way.
It didn’t take me a long time to realize that he wasn’t a very nice person. I noticed how he was in the workshop and how judgemental he could be with the other students and their interpretation of the cards. At the beginning of the workshop, he told us that there were no wrong interpretations of the cards, however he relished pointing out to a student that they were wrong. He got a joy from that, I think.
As I started to attend more workshops given by him over the next few months, I learned more about tarot, manifestation and reiki. I also began to learn a lot about him as a person. He arrived in my life when I was vulnerable and, though there was an initial attraction, it wore off pretty quickly for me. I could see shadows around him when he spoke.
The end for me came when he told me he loved me.
It was so out of the blue and completely unexpected. I had begun dating someone and he knew this. I’m not sure what his reasons were for telling me he loved me, but they had the reverse effect that he wanted. I was put off by it. There had been no discussion of love or lust and we had never been on a date or anything of the sort. Though I had tried to find love before, I had come to realize that I had been going about it the wrong way. I had to love myself first.
It didn’t take me a long time to realize that his professions of love were just a way to manipulate me. I had survived an abusive relationship a year before and knew the signs of someone who was emotionally unavailable but wanted to claim a person. He didn’t want to be with me, he wanted to possess me.
It didn’t escape my notice that he had only professed his love for me after I had begun to fall in love with someone else. I think he could see that spark of light that had begun to glow within me, and he wanted the light that for himself. We had never gone on a date; he had told me previously that he didn’t to date me, so this talk of love had come out of nowhere.
I did the only thing I could think of doing: blocked him on all social medias. Blocking him on social media seemed like a reactive and sure fire way to establish a boundary. It was something that I had not done with my previous boyfriend or my ex-husband. I hadn’t taken the time to protect myself and I had let them take so much from me. I would not let him take any more of me than he had.
I wanted to set the boundary and that wall that he had to cross should he realize what he had done. It was my rock wall, thorny hedge, moat and ring of fire around myself as I blocked him on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and text. It was a way that I could build a barrier around myself. With each social I blocked him on, I realized why there was something about him that had felt comforting.
After three abusive relationships, his behaviour had seemed like a home I could find comfort in. It would have been an easy habit to fall back in. It had been my MO, really. To let these men latch on to me and take everything that they could from me, and I was left wondering what had gone wrong. I didn’t want that for myself. In choosing to act and protect myself, I took away a part of his voice.
I started to draw cards about my feelings about him and the way he made me feel. All the cards I drew were the tough cards like the 8 of Swords (Interference) or the 10 of Swords (Run), the ones that asked me to really think deeply about why I needed and wanted this relationship with someone who was so obviously toxic he could be distracting (Prince of Cups). There was one reading there all the cards I drew were Sword cards and he had taught me to see the suit as bad.
During one class, one of the other students asked, “What do we do if we draw three sword cards?”
He had given them a grin and said, “Drop the cards and run like hell.”
And yet, every time I asked the cards a question about him, I always drew Sword cards.
I feared the suit of Swords for so long because of him. They had become everything bad in my life, everything that hurt, cut, burned, or maimed. He had filled me with that much terror of the Sword suit.
During one of the classes, he had all of the students pick out which card represented themselves. I chose the Ace of Wands, ready to sparkle and shine bright, to look into the shadows of my life and see those shadows’ part. Within the light that the Ace of Swords came clarity and creative opportunity as well as hope for a future for myself. A new path that was free from darkness.
My good friend who had given me that first tarot reading was in this class with me. She compared me to the Ace of Swords. I was and always have been writing something. My words were and are the way that I show myself to the world. Parts of me are tucked or sewn into everything that I write.
My good friend knew this, and to her the Ace of Swords, the cards of writers and words smiths, seers and crafters of the written word, suited me perfectly. However, my fear of the Swords suit, what they could take away from me, held so much fear (It was only when another friend gave me a copy of The Wild Unknown Tarot deck by Kim Kranz when I realized that Swords, while sometimes cold and others fierce, also had their softer side as well).
I knew that the cards were really asking me to take a look at my own thoughts and perceptions of who he was and what his motivations were. The cards wanted me to make my own mind up about him and I did. Even though it was hard, I cut him off completely from my life and held strong.
He came into my life when I was already vulnerable from an abusive relationship, and it took me a long time to realize that I had entered into another abusive relationship with him, even though it was non-romantic on my side. Though we never dated, that didn’t matter. Any relationship can be abusive.
If I was going to put a complete wall between us, that meant doing the hardest thing I could think of doing. I put the deck away and turned my back on tarot for a bit. I found solace in The Lost Map Oracle Cards by Colette Baron-Reid. I saw those cards as safety. They told a tale that could contain only my words and not the words and wisdom given to me by him. I would not have to hear his voice in my head once I turned my back on the Thoth deck.
I put my Thoth deck away. I wrapped the deck within its pink silk shroud and put it back in the wooden box that I kept them in, marked with a pentagram. He had become so wrapped around the cards in my mind that I couldn’t keep myself from associating the Thoth deck with him. Every once in a while, I would take the deck out and unwrap it and then put it away again. There was sill to much of his energy wrapped up into what the Thoth tarot represented to me. I even tried getting a new deck of the Thoth deck and had the same result. I didn’t think I would ever read with the Thoth Tarot ever again even though much of what I knew about tarot was from that deck.
When I heard that there was a new edition of the Thoth Tarot was published by AGM Urania in Germany and I had to admit that I was curious. I was also surprised about something else: they had named the artist on the box. In my years of using the Thoth Tarot, I never even knew the artist’s name. He had never mentioned Frieda Harris and I hadn’t thought to learn anything about her, quite different from the Rider Waite Smith tarot. Everyone knows about Pamela Coleman Smith. I didn’t know anything about Frieda Harris and her name intrigued me. He had not once mentioned her name, it was all about Alistair Crowley, a man of great power.
I’ve always viewed the true artist behind any tarot deck is the artist themselves. I mean, sure, the creator is the one that nurtures the seed into fruition, but the artist is the one that brings the cards to life. I don’t end up reading the guidebooks of many of the tarot decks I own. I don’t think I’ve ever read one cover to cover. I connect with the art and prefer to read my decks using what I see in front of me. It’s how I end up connecting to a card.
I ordered a used copy of the AGM Thoth Tarot off of Amazon, just to see how it would feel to have the deck in front of me. I still have the copy of the Thoth tarot that he taught me to read with. I decided against burying my original copy of the deck simply because he wasn’t a pack of cards, even if the Thoth tarot had become synonymous with him, at least in my mind. I’ve got it tucked at the back of my tarot collection. I could have gotten rid of my wooden box containing the deck very easily, but I wanted a marked or touchstone to remind me of where I’d been.
When the new copy of the AGM Thoth Tarot arrived, I was surprised to find that the deck was still wrapped in plastic, both the box and the cards. The deck wasn’t used after all, and I hadn’t paid that much for it. It felt like a bit of good fortune. When I got the deck out of the box and looked upon the face of Lady Frieda Harris, it was like greeting an old friend, I knew her art so well. I flipped through the Little White Book and found out a little bit about her and how she and Alistair Crowley met.
I read so many books about Crowley and the symbolism of the cards when I started reading with the Thoth Tarot, but I don’t recall one mention of Frieda and who she was. I was happy to finally meet her and to see her name on the box of the cards that she created.
As I made my way through the deck again after so many years, I focused not the mysticism that Alistair Crowley wanted in the deck, but the artistic skill used as Frieda tried to paint another person’s vision. Ever drop of water, ever tongue of flame was painted by her and she had to paint it to his specifications, but still, they are her paintings.
It was comforting to know that this was a new deck, unassociated with him. I can finally read with the Thoth Tarot again after so many years, and it has nothing to do with it. I can finally let his influence over the deck go and embrace the cards I know so well once more so that I can see them in a new light.
It’s wonderful to know that on one hand, I’m meeting and old friend again, but on the other, I’m also forging a new relationship with the cards and can’t wait to see what I learn about myself.
I was asked by Derick Fage from Daytime Ottawa to do a Tarot reading on live television.
I’ve read on live television before, but that was years ago. I was a little nervous, but it went so wonderfully! It was also really neat to be reading Tarot cards on live television on Halloween! I mean, how perfect is that?
Watch Part One and Part Two below to see the whole interview and reading!
Spirit of the Wolf 