Category: Tarot

The Forest in the Mirror – My Journey with Tarot Collecting

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in Personal Growth, Tarot, Tarot Decks

I don’t think there will ever be a last tarot deck.

I’ve come to realize that as much as I love reading tarot and delving into the mysteries of myself and the journey, I find myself on, I love collecting new tarot decks and other tarot related creations that call to me. With each one I find, be it a deck of Tarot, Oracle, Kiper or Lenormand cards, it’s like I’m finding a part of myself.

Tarot has become a part of how I breathe and that breath changes focus over time. There are times when I feel like I need strong guidance and wise counsel and other times when I need a soft and gentle hand to guide my way. I always find myself going to different decks for different situations. I’ve tried to stick with only one deck, and I did for a while. My first deck was The Ancient Egyptian Tarot. I love the mysticism that Egypt still brings to mind and using those cards was like communicating with a deeper part of my spirit. The Ancient Egyptian Tarot was with me during one of the most difficult times in my life and part of me.

After a break from card slinging, I learned to read tarot again with the Thoth Tarot and after I spent a lot of time with those cards, I needed to find a different path for myself. My path with the Thoth Tarot ended badly, though this had nothing to do with the cards themselves, but the person who taught me to read with them. I wanted to find comfort after a difficult time and knew that I had to walk away from the Toth Tarot. It was too wrapped up in who he was.

After such a bad experience with that was wrapped up within the Thoth Tarot, I needed to walk away from the tarot for a bit. I found myself drawn to The Enchanted Map Oracle by Colette Baron-Reid. They were a revelation at the time and provided me with soft comfort and much needed advice that I needed to turn my mind around and to not just focus on the positive but find a way to let go of the negativity so that I could see the path in front of me clearly. I had no idea that my path would lead me to meet Colette with my friend Christine.

When a friend gave me The Wild Unknown for Christmas, it was like I had found a piece of myself that I had given away a long time ago. I was hesitant picking up another tarot deck after what had happened with the Thoth Tarot. However, after a time with so much darkness, it was like finding light in the shadows, and Kim Krans uses colour to great effect within the art of The Wild Uknown, using the shadow to show how powerful a spot of light or colour can be.

It is the deck that I always return to, no matter how many decks I own. It’s where I feel most at home. The Wild Unknown is the deck that somehow gives me breath in a world where I sometimes don’t feel like I can breathe. I have three cards tattooed on my right shoulder so that I can carry them around with me: the Ace of Wands, Strength and the Ace of Swords. Every day, they remind me what I can create, how I can overcome and what I need to cut away.

Even so, as much as The Wild Unknown holds a part of my spirit, it likes to wander and find itself in new places.  I’m always drawn to find a part of myself in something new and if it has gilding on the edges, I’m gone. I have always been a sucker for shiny things. After experiencing The Wild Unknown, I was drawn into the world of Prisma Visions. The Wild Unknown Tarot helped me through a period of growth where I became completely myself and opened me up to what was possible. The world of Prima Visions Tarot was an explosion of colour that lit up the dark and showed me what my world could look like, and it was a world that I wanted to explore. I felt like with each card that I was being drawn into a world where there was finally balance between the light and the dark. I found those cards when I needed to let myself shine because I didn’t want to hide who I was anymore. Those cards showed me that it was okay.

I could go on, but we would be here for a while. When people ask me how many decks I have, I truthfully don’t know the answer. I would wager somewhere between one-hundred or two. There have been decks that have been sold to others or given away to one of my friends who was in need of a little bit of wisdom, but other than that, they have stayed.

I’ve always thought of Tarot cards like doors, they invite into a world of the artists creation. The person who has created the deck is alive within each card, each pigment, each sword, pentacle, cup or wand. The decks that call to me are often at random or ones I’ve been told about, or I spot them on my journeys in stores (both mortar and online). If I know that the store sells Tarot decks, that’s the first thing I go to look at. I almost always find something to take home.

It’s not about just buying a new deck. There has to be some kind of spark or story, waiting to be unravelled and lived in. I’m a firm believer that Tarot decks are spirit keepers. I write and paint. I know that a little bit of the magic that I create lives inside each of my paintings. My books always hold characters that are parts or pieces of me, every writer does this. Our lives and imagination inspire the rest.

I think that tarot decks are like that, too.  The decks always hold the spirit of their creator. They’ve had that vision, that idea, that story that had to be told with tarot cards. They are world creators, giving their idea a canvas to live out their tale, to hold the energy that they want to imbibe the deck with. Every time I open a new tarot deck that called to me, I am opening a door within myself that has either remained closed, or I didn’t know was there in the first place. I usually sit with a tarot deck, flipping through the cards and letting what I see tell me a story. Then I sit and read the guidebook, so that I can see further into the forest. The guidebook gives me the bones of the deck. It is, after all, the deck creators’ story and vision. They take the forest of cards and help to bring them to life.

My tarot collection of tarot decks has become something more. It’s like each deck is a page in the book that tells my journey, mirroring a different part of my path. It’s a large book that I have compiled, much like a tarot deck that is really a book filled with mirrors. I’ve always used tarot for personal reflection and growth, and each card is a reflection of who I am, that’s how I’ve always seen them at any rate. These decks that have been created with care by so many different deck creators and artists. They may have created a forest to lose myself in, but it’s my intuition that gives me the light to shine through.

Either way, I’ve come to realize that there will always be a new deck that catches my eye and tugs at my spirit. I know this and I’ve come to a good place with it. I know that with each year that passes, there will be many more pages to add to the book of my life. I can’t wait to see where the cards will take me next.

The Symbols of Jennifer Cooper Steidley – A Tarot Disassembled Deck Review

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in Tarot, Tarot Books, Tarot Deck Reviews, Tarot Decks

I’m convinced that Jennifer Cooper Steidley is a Symbol Goddess.

I’ve been a longtime fan of her independently released works including Tarot Disassembled, Tarot Assembled and The Symdala Tarot. They are wonders of symbolic imagery held within the tarot and given a new light and life. They take the Rider Waite Smith Tarot, perhaps the most famous tarot deck, and break every card down into the symbols that each card holds.

The decks are full of symbols, and you’d think that would difficult to read with, but it shows us the pieces and players each Tarot card holds and the energy within. What’s more, her cards let us move them around to tell our own story. Tarot Disassembled helps us take a look at the tarot cards we know so well by breaking each card down to the symbols they contain.

Tarot Assembled breaks down the symbols even more by giving us a gorgeous pallet of colour. I can’t be the only one who responds in a different way for different colours. I feel morose or thoughtful when I see grey, joyous when I see yellow, thoughtful when I see green.  Steidley has each let us gaze not upon a card full of symbols, but one single symbol that the Tarot contains. Tarot Assembled has us take a look at the tree that makes up the Tarot and in contemplating the single symbol, we can put the Tarot we know back together.  

The Symdala Tarot takes the symbolic journey of the Tarot even further and creates a mandala out of each card. These mandalas give you space to pause, reflect and see even deeper into what the cards mean. What’s more, the words around the edge of each card and the symbols within these circular cards create windows and portals into different parts of ourselves. The cards ask that we meditate upon the images and words that the card holds and I love that about them.

I love the guidebooks that come with each of the decks. They are compendiums of the symbols to be found within and what these symbols mean. They are a wealth of information and knowledge and each time I open one and delve in, I find myself happily lost in a world of words and symbols.  I love how Steidley has given me a new way to look within the cards that I know so well and see something new even though I’ve been using the RWS Tarot for years now.

Case in point: I was drawing a card for myself from the Symdala Tarot the other night. I have been going through some health issues and wasn’t surprised to draw the 9 of Wands. What intrigued me was the bandage at the centre of the symbolic mandala. I had never seen a band-aid in the 9 of Wands. I went to my RWS and found the corresponding 9 of Wands card and right there on the man’s head was a bandage. I stopped and looked at the card from the Symdala Tarot and the RWS side by side and I really appreciated how Steidley took a card I knew so well and helped me to see something new within it. It’s like this every time when I’m using her cards.

I was beyond thrilled to hear that Tarot Dissembled was being published by Weiser. I love this deck so much because it started me on my journey of looking deeper within the cards. When I first started using the independently published Tarot Disassembled, I would draw a card and find myself being drawn to a particular symbol. Even through the symbols were all separated, if I followed them, they told a story. When I would read with other decks that were based off the RWS Tarot, I would see symbols that Steidley had brought out into the light. I’m can see the symbols so much more clearly.

More than that, she helped me to fall in love with the Tarot again because she made its language simpler to understand. After so many years of reading Tarot cards, things can start to seem a little boring. I sometimes lose my enthusiasm about Tarot, like everything else in life. Sometimes you need a break. I love all of my decks (and there are a lot of them) but there’s just something about going back to Tarot Dissambled that gives me a reset and much needed reboot. Having the symbols laid out for me reveals the language that Tarot uses to communicate. The decks by Jennifer Cooper Steidley are all like this, but Tarot Disassembled has a special place in my heart because it’s where I first saw the skeleton of each card through the images that she created.

Tarot Disassembled brought so much light into my life and not just because of the symbols that were finally given the limelight they deserved. The whole deck is a fabulous riot colour and it was my hope that when the Wieser version of Tarot Disassembled was published that it would honour the spirit of the deck I knew so well.

Thankfully, the Red Wheel/Weiser Books edition of Tarot Disassembled is just as amazing as the independently published version of the deck. The cardstock is lovely, the matte finish whispery and the yellow edges are amazing. My favourite colour is purple, so I was thrilled beyond words to find out that it had been added to the colour pallet of the cards. It was a joy to go through a deck that I knew so well to see if I could spot the differences in the cards.

I think what I love most is the fact that the Red Wheel/Weiser Books edition of Tarot Disassembled preserved the heart and spirit that makes the deck so special. The guidebook is still the wonderful grimoire of symbols, legend and lore and the cards are spectacular. I’ve got my first and second edition of the Tarot Disassembled, and they are thrilled to welcome their new sibling.

The Tarot Disassembled deck and guidebook by Jennifer Cooper Steidley and published by Red Wheel/Weiser Books is absolute magic.

You can learn mor about Jennifer by visiting her website here: https://www.jennifersteidley.com/

Chapter Twenty-Two – The Ace of Wands

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Tarot

I met Fox in the square.

He wasn’t homeless or living in a boarding house like I was. He just hung out there and we became friends of a sort. He hung out with others like Stacey and Shadow, both of them always dressed in black. Fox knew other people I knew like Sunshine, and he was different. He didn’t have to be here; he wanted to be here. It felt like he was choosing all of us as his family and we became fast friends.

After a few weeks of knowing him, Fox asked if I wanted to meet some other friends of his. “Nothing kinky, don’t worry about that. They’re just some like minded individuals that I think you’d get along with really well. If you’d like to?”

“Why would I like them?” I asked. He knew that I had an aversion to meeting other people and I knew that he would be honest with me about why he had brought them up.

“It’s your tarot cards. My friend Lisa is always going on about them and loves them too. She’s always reading, and you’ve read some of the books she has. I’d like you to meet Lisa and a few other friends. We’re all going to dinner at James Street if you want to come. My treat?”

I nodded, despite my initial fear. It was the mention of tarot cards. Anyone that was drawn to the cards couldn’t be that bad. It would be good for me to talk to other tarot readers and see what their journey with the cards had been.

As we approached the James Street Feed Co., I was nervous but excited. Fox told me all about Lisa and his other friends Sophie and Jess. Sophie was an artist and Jess was a writer. It felt too good to be true and I had no idea how Fox knew so many awesome people, but it felt like I was being invited into a community of creatives, and they were all the things I wished that I could be. I had always written but had begun to think about trying my hand at making art, too. I reminded myself not to ask too many questions; I didn’t want to be too annoying.

Entering the restaurant, Fox saw his three friends and waved. We walked over to the table and all three woman got up so that they could exchange hugs. I stiffened as Lisa wrapped her arms around me in a hug. I hugged her back, but hesitantly.

“Why, Fox! Who have you brought us this time?” Lisa asked.

“This is Jamieson.” Fox smiled at me and gave me a reassuring look. “I think you’ll like him.”

“Fox is always bringing us strays so that we can help lead them home.” Sophie said.

“Home to where?” I asked.

“To the god and goddess, of course.” Lisa said, giving me another hug. “I knew you were one of us, right when I saw you, I knew.”

“One of who?” I asked her, feeling as if I’d fallen down some sort of rabbit hole.

“That you were Pagan of course.”

It was if the word was a key and it opened something within me. Looking at Lisa, I could see fire all around her, the air above her head filling with sparks and bits of magic. For a moment, I could see her walking toward me, a metal helmet and breast plate made of the shiniest metal. She was a flame and I was the moth drawn towards her light. Lisa was lit brightly and she radiated warmth.

When I blinked my eyes, the vision was gone, but I knew that I was in the presence of someone beautiful.

We sat at the table, and they ordered appetizers. “I’m a warrior witch,” Lisa said. “You’ll find your own path; that’s what Paganism is all about. Instead of a G-O-D, there are all kinds of gods. You just need to find the ones that call to you.”

“The ones?”

“Yes, in Paganism it’s all about balance. There is male and a female, or at the very least two gods that call to you.” Sophie said. She was a little older than Lisa and when I looked at her, I saw the Hierophant, someone who was wise and full of ancient wisdom that she had collected. “Just like there are all kinds of gods, there are all kinds of magics. You just follow what you’re called to.”

“Fox tells us that you like to write.” Jess said. “That’s a kind of magic, too. I’m a writer, like you. It’s good you’ve found your magic already.”

I shook my head. “My writing isn’t magic.”

“Ha!” Jess said. “We’ll make a believer out of you yet. Do you need to yearn to write, need to write?” She gave me a knowing smile when I nodded. “Then it’s your magic. You’re lucky you’ve found it when you’re so young. It took me ages to figure out what I wanted to do.”

It felt like I had found my kindred spirits. We talked about all manner of things, how they had each found paganism and how it had brought them to a deeper sense of who they were and their place in the world. We talked a little bit about my family, but I veered the subject away from my mom and stepfather. I wasn’t ready to talk about them yet, but I did talk about the people I knew on the streets. I talked about Sunshine, Rainbow and Angel. I talked about Renee and Jesus. I told them about the YSB and the Ottawa Mission and the people I had met there. I talked to the four of them as if they were already fast friends and I knew that they were.

I thought of the door that Lisa had opened within me, and I was astounded that I felt the light within me grow a little brighter, so much so that I could even feel its warmth within me. I looked down at my hands and could have sworn that sparkles were cascading from my fingertips, and I wondered if the light showed when I spoke, whether the group of us could see the light growing within me.

Looking up at the light fixture that hung down above us, I took in all the light that surrounded us. I wonder what that light would show me and which direction I was heading in. Lisa looked at me, a deep knowing look as if she could see into my skin and observe my spirit. “I don’t know hurt you, but we can help with that.”

I shook my head, suddenly embarrassed. “No one hurt me,” I said.

“Your eyes tell me different.” She patted my hand. “It’s okay, Jamieson. It takes time to heal. You’re safe, now. You’re a warrior, don’t forget that.”

My spirit thrummed in response, and I opened myself to the music of the light. In that moment, I chose to follow that light and see where it would take me.

Chapter Twenty-One – The World

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Tarot

It began slowly.

I noticed it growing more insistent each day. I had tried to ignore it and to shove it away from me, to pretend that there was just whimsy that had entered my mind and foolishness. I was filled with worry all the time and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t know how to be gentle with myself as I was with everyone else. I had been taught that to be gentle was to be weak and to be hopeful was to invite foolishness in.

Still, the idea wouldn’t go away.

Every time I went to bed at night, curled up on my roll of foam on the floor of Sunshine’s bedroom, I wanted more.

I wanted more than this. I knew that after a few months of living this way that I needed a sacred space of my own. I wanted to have a bathroom that I didn’t share Dan and Mike and Sunshine. Four people to a two bedroom people was a lot. I didn’t want to feel like I had to be on all the time. I needed a space of my own.

I knew this with my whole heart. Before the words started to pour out on their own, the vowels sliding over my lips and the consonants stabbing into my cheeks again, I told him. This was something I wanted and I had to believe that I was worth it.

“I have something I want to talk to you about.” I told him.

“Sounds serious. Hold on, serious talks require smoke to smudge the space.” He lit a cigarette and passed one to me before lighting one for himself. “Okay, honey. The floor is yours.”

I took a deep breath, sure that this would change our friendship. “I think I need to find a place of my own.” I said. Once the words were out, I felt an incredible weight lifted off of me. “I hope that’s okay.”

Sunshine’s eyes widened in shock and then relaxed. “I swear your psychic honey. You almost always know what I’m going to say and you say it before I do.”

I was confused. This was not the reaction I had been expecting. “What do you mean?”

“Well,” Sunshine said. “I’ve been trying to think of how to bring this up to you but couldn’t find the right way to say it.”

He looked really uncomfortable all of a sudden. “I don’t want you to think this is me talking, it’s Mike and Dan. They love having you around, but they thought you would leave eventually. I kept telling them that you were still sorting stuff out.”

“They want me out?” I asked. “I’m sorry, Sunshine. I really am.” I hated the idea of being a burden to anyone.

“Well, they said you don’t pay any rent here. I mean, it’s not an issue I have. I love having you here. You are like a brother to me.”

Hearing those words form him meant so much at that moment, being so far away from my own brother and my family. It had been such a long time since I had seen my brother and I missed him a little every day, especially being here. His legend lived large, and people reminded me of that all the time. I thought of Sunshine as my brother, too. He was more than a friend to me, he was family. I hated the fact that he had had to stand up for me and defend me against Mike and Dan. I should have been able to fight for my own honour. “I’m sorry,” I said.

“Don’t worry about it, honey. They have their panties in a wad about something like every fucking day and can’t figure out if they’re straight or gay yet but every night they fool around together. They’re a couple, yes, but a couple of what I’d like to know.”

He tapped out his cigarette and gave me an inquisitive look. “Now, back to you. I can help you look for a place or least find you someone who can. You’re not alone in this, honey. You’ve got me.”

I motioned around me. “I love this, I love living here with you, but I want my own place, I’ve wanted my own space for a while.” I let out a sigh. “But I have no idea how to go about it.

“Well, that’s easy. The YSB can help you find a place.”

“They can?”

“Sure, they helped Angel find a room to rent in a person’s apartment. They have a whole roster of places offering a room for rent. I’m sure they can find one for you.”

I set out with Sunshine that day feeling a sense of hope that I hadn’t had before. We went to the YSB right away after we grabbed something to eat. Walking into the centre felt different that day, as if I was about to witness a great change. Sunshine asked one of the workers there and they brought out a small binder with rooms and places to stay that were available and also willing to take the $325 from monthly welfare cheque.

I ended up going to see a room at a boarding house on Arlington. It was a small, dilapidated townhouse and I liked the aged aqua colour of the awnings, the flaked white paint of its walls. Sunshine and I knocked on the door and asked the man who answered it if they had any rooms for rent. The man who ran t he said he did, one had just become free.

Sunshine said that he would meet me in the square later and I gave him a quick hug. It felt odd to be starting the next part of my journey on my own, but it had been that way before and would be that way again. I had to get used to swallowing fear so that it could help me fly.

The person who ran the house was a little French man named Joey. He had a kind smile and large glasses that made his eyes look like they were dragonflies blinking at me from behind the lenses. He was older, he said, and ran this house on his own. He showed me to the large kitchen to that had windows that overlooked the street. Then he took me up the stairs and to the first door at the end of the hallway. He opened the door with a flourish as if I were about to enter a mystical place, and in a way I was.

The room held a bed, a small bookshelf, a dresser and a small desk. It was homey and warm with dull grey walls in a herringbone pattern and lots of warm coloured wood. There was a mirror that stood above the dresser and saw my reflection in the mirror. I didn’t turn away from myself but turned to look at all the space I had. There was a small window on the far side of the room, next to the built-in bookshelf.

“This would be all mine?” I asked him. I looked at the roll of foam and the purple backpack I carried with me. It was everything that I had in the world and it made the room seem bigger than it was.

“Of course it would be. You’re welcome here if you want to. I would be happy to have you.”

“Thank you,” I said.

I had to sign a contract with the house, and they would be in touch with the welfare office to make sure that he got paid. It was the fist of the month in a couple of days. I was worried, but Joey said to not pay that any mind. “What is a couple of days?” he said.

I nodded my thanks and didn’t tell him that to me, two days was everything. I looked at my room that was mine and I marvelled at the fact that it had a door with a lock and a lock meant safety. I sat on the bed and took out my two blankets and spread them out on the bed and finally felt at home for the first time in months.

Laying down on my own bed for the very first time, I wondered what the future would bring.

Chapter Twenty – Judgement

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot, Tarot Decks

There was a boy I liked.

Sunshine was the one who pointed it out first. When ever Matt was around, I became enraptured by him. He liked reading and loved to read my poems and what I had written. Matt had dark black eyes framed by what looked like a crown of eyelashes and looked at me when I spoke to him, like he really saw me. Every time he looked at me, it was like he saw into me and yet he didn’t run away. I was used to other men turning away from me once they learned that I was disabled. It was a fact of life and I had learned this young.

Matt was different in that he saw me, had read my words and read my most inner thoughts and still he didn’t turn from me. My words seemed to bring me closer to him and every time I showed up in the square, I looked for him.

“You’re infatuated with Matt.” Sunshine said.

I had been looking for Matt when Sunshine said this and turned back to him. “No I’m not.”

“Honey, I know a crush when I see one. That’s okay. It’s nice to see you still feeling things. I was worried about you. I didn’t want you to think that Shades was like all men out there. There are a lot of jerks, sure, but there are always others who aren’t.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. That hasn’t been my experience. I’m so new at being openly gay that I’m so unsure of myself.”

“That comes with time. You have to try, Jamie.” He smiled at me. “I’m glad you’re starting to open yourself up again.”

Matt came into the square and he saw me and waved at me as if we hadn’t seen each other in years. He ran over to me and hugged me and pulled out a new eye shadow he had gotten me. “Can I put it on you?” He asked.

It was a dark husky blue filled with lighter blue sparkles. I said yes and closed my eyes. I was surprised to feel the tip of the eye shadow brush tickle my lips. I could barely breathe and I knew that Matt was so close to me. I could smell the shampoo he had used earlier that day, the light musk of his skin. I could hear his breathing and it was low and rhythmic and I wanted to fall into it, into him.

“There!” He found a compact in his bag and held up the mirror. He had covered my lips in the eyeshadow and they looked like they were made of sapphires. I was surprised at how full my lips looked. He must have mistaken my shock for uncertainty because he started putting the eye shadow on his lips, too. “That way, we can be twins! You look fabulous and I want to look amazing”

I wore that lip colour for the rest of the day and so did Matt. We kept getting compliments and I loved it. I loved being seen and being told that I was beautiful. The two did not usually go together, at least in my mind. When I looked at myself, I did not see beauty. Every time I walked by a mirror or a reflective surface, I looked away. It hurt to look at my face in the mirror and I was usually more comfortable with being able to hide. The fact that the people calling me beautiful actually meant it was euphoric to me.

I started wearing make up and nail polish. I started dying my hair. I wanted to be noticed, but most of all, I wanted to be noticed by Matt. I wanted him to call me beautiful. I loved how he would hold my hands every day when I showed up in the square, eager to see what colour my nail polish was. I loved those moments where he would reach for me and I wondered if he felt the same way that I felt about him.

“Honey, all you gotta do is ask him. Tell him how you feel and see what he says, but I’d say that he feels the exact same way. He’s always going on about you when you’re not here! But I’d be a little careful if I were you.”

“Why?”

“Don’t you notice that he’s copying you? First with the eye shadow on his lips, then the nail polish and the hair. It’s like he’s waiting to see who you are before he decides what he wants to be. Just be careful, okay?”

I nodded but I knew that I didn’t want to be careful, I wanted to fight against my normal impulse to hide and let myself be completely seen for once. Matt made me feel like that was okay and that I deserved to be seen, even though there was always a part of me that encouraged me to stay hidden, that I got hurt less that way.

I waited for the right time to tell him that I liked him, but I never thought any time was the right time. This wouldn’t be the first time that I told a guy I liked him, but it was the fist time that a man had seen me completely and hadn’t run. I desperately wanted him to like me back and my brain kept obsessing over the right time to tell him. Months went by and I couldn’t find the right way to tell him.

One afternoon, we were all at home and Sunshine, Matt and I were all watching Rosmary’s Baby on his little television. Sunshine and I loved horror movies, so we picked them up when we could if they were cheap or free or we just watched our favourites. Matt had never seen Rosemary’s Baby, so we were all we were all watching together, Matt and I lying side by side with our heads propped up on pillows. Sunshine put the movie on pause.

“Okay lovebirds, I’ll be right back. Nature waits for no one.”

Words started to clamour and climb into my mouth, clawing at my throat, tongue and lips, eager to be spoken out loud. They came tumbling out. I didn’t know how long Sunshine would be in the bathroom and it felt right to tell him where I felt the safest. “Matt, I like you. I more than like you, I have for ages. I really like you as more than a friend.” We were still looking at the television, at Rosemary frozen in time, wondering what the fuck was going on.

The heartbeat I waited to hear what Matt said in reply felt like an eternity to me. “I know.” He said.

I looked at Matt for the first time, turning my head to look at him. I so wanted to find joy on his face that I was surprised to see sadness there before he turned away from me. I waited another lifetime to hear his response, but there was a knock at the door and then footsteps walking into the room. Louis sat down on the floor beside us and gave Matt and I a wide smile which I wasn’t able to return.

“What’s up douchebags?” I normally tried to stay clear of Luigi. He was a little older than us and he liked to sleep around a lot. I knew that he was rough business. He was nice enough to me and I gave the same back to him, but I turned down all his advances. Luigi gave me the bad vibes and not in a fun way. A rough goatee covered his chin, and his hair was blond with his black hair showing throughout. He looked like a skunk or some kind of rodent to me and I had known enough men like to know that he was best avoided.

Sunshine came back to the living room and gave Louis a look. “Look what the cat dragged in.”

“Haven’t you jerked off enough for one day?” Luigi said. “The walls of that bathroom must be covered with your jizz.”

“Har dee har har.” Sunshine said.

Luigi gave Matt a long leer. “Want to go somewhere and fuck?”

Matt looked as if Christmas had come early. “Yes, please!” He leapt up and Luigi put his arm around Matt possessively. They left together without Matt giving me a backward glance. Silence filled the room for a moment, Rosemary’s face staring frozenly back at us.

“What a shit.” Sunshine said.

“Which one?”

“Both of them honey. Both of them are fucking shit. Matt is dead to me.”

“It’s okay,”

“No, it’s not. Leading you on your some kind of love sick puppy and then kicking you when you tell him how you really feel.”

“You heard all that?”

“Honey, these walls are like cardboard.” He let out a snort of laughter and reached over to take my hand. “How are you?”  

I took a moment to answer. I looked within myself, and I could feel the hurt there. It was so new that I could feel it taking up shape within me. However, alongside that hurt was the resolve never to let anyone do that to me again. I felt like I was emerging from a cocoon and, though it wasn’t as nice and warm as the cocoon had been, it like I was waking up from a long and happy sleep.

Matt had left his purse. Inside the bag was his compact and I opened it so that I could see myself. I didn’t look any different, but the change was within. The hurt was there, but I was going to be okay.

“I’m okay,” I told him.

“No, you’re not. But that’s okay, too.”

He pressed play and we cuddled closer to each other and watched as Rosemary search for her baby and slowly lose herself to the paranoia that surrounded her.