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Chapter Twenty – Judgement

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot, Tarot Decks

There was a boy I liked.

Sunshine was the one who pointed it out first. When ever Matt was around, I became enraptured by him. He liked reading and loved to read my poems and what I had written. Matt had dark black eyes framed by what looked like a crown of eyelashes and looked at me when I spoke to him, like he really saw me. Every time he looked at me, it was like he saw into me and yet he didn’t run away. I was used to other men turning away from me once they learned that I was disabled. It was a fact of life and I had learned this young.

Matt was different in that he saw me, had read my words and read my most inner thoughts and still he didn’t turn from me. My words seemed to bring me closer to him and every time I showed up in the square, I looked for him.

“You’re infatuated with Matt.” Sunshine said.

I had been looking for Matt when Sunshine said this and turned back to him. “No I’m not.”

“Honey, I know a crush when I see one. That’s okay. It’s nice to see you still feeling things. I was worried about you. I didn’t want you to think that Shades was like all men out there. There are a lot of jerks, sure, but there are always others who aren’t.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. That hasn’t been my experience. I’m so new at being openly gay that I’m so unsure of myself.”

“That comes with time. You have to try, Jamie.” He smiled at me. “I’m glad you’re starting to open yourself up again.”

Matt came into the square and he saw me and waved at me as if we hadn’t seen each other in years. He ran over to me and hugged me and pulled out a new eye shadow he had gotten me. “Can I put it on you?” He asked.

It was a dark husky blue filled with lighter blue sparkles. I said yes and closed my eyes. I was surprised to feel the tip of the eye shadow brush tickle my lips. I could barely breathe and I knew that Matt was so close to me. I could smell the shampoo he had used earlier that day, the light musk of his skin. I could hear his breathing and it was low and rhythmic and I wanted to fall into it, into him.

“There!” He found a compact in his bag and held up the mirror. He had covered my lips in the eyeshadow and they looked like they were made of sapphires. I was surprised at how full my lips looked. He must have mistaken my shock for uncertainty because he started putting the eye shadow on his lips, too. “That way, we can be twins! You look fabulous and I want to look amazing”

I wore that lip colour for the rest of the day and so did Matt. We kept getting compliments and I loved it. I loved being seen and being told that I was beautiful. The two did not usually go together, at least in my mind. When I looked at myself, I did not see beauty. Every time I walked by a mirror or a reflective surface, I looked away. It hurt to look at my face in the mirror and I was usually more comfortable with being able to hide. The fact that the people calling me beautiful actually meant it was euphoric to me.

I started wearing make up and nail polish. I started dying my hair. I wanted to be noticed, but most of all, I wanted to be noticed by Matt. I wanted him to call me beautiful. I loved how he would hold my hands every day when I showed up in the square, eager to see what colour my nail polish was. I loved those moments where he would reach for me and I wondered if he felt the same way that I felt about him.

“Honey, all you gotta do is ask him. Tell him how you feel and see what he says, but I’d say that he feels the exact same way. He’s always going on about you when you’re not here! But I’d be a little careful if I were you.”

“Why?”

“Don’t you notice that he’s copying you? First with the eye shadow on his lips, then the nail polish and the hair. It’s like he’s waiting to see who you are before he decides what he wants to be. Just be careful, okay?”

I nodded but I knew that I didn’t want to be careful, I wanted to fight against my normal impulse to hide and let myself be completely seen for once. Matt made me feel like that was okay and that I deserved to be seen, even though there was always a part of me that encouraged me to stay hidden, that I got hurt less that way.

I waited for the right time to tell him that I liked him, but I never thought any time was the right time. This wouldn’t be the first time that I told a guy I liked him, but it was the fist time that a man had seen me completely and hadn’t run. I desperately wanted him to like me back and my brain kept obsessing over the right time to tell him. Months went by and I couldn’t find the right way to tell him.

One afternoon, we were all at home and Sunshine, Matt and I were all watching Rosmary’s Baby on his little television. Sunshine and I loved horror movies, so we picked them up when we could if they were cheap or free or we just watched our favourites. Matt had never seen Rosemary’s Baby, so we were all we were all watching together, Matt and I lying side by side with our heads propped up on pillows. Sunshine put the movie on pause.

“Okay lovebirds, I’ll be right back. Nature waits for no one.”

Words started to clamour and climb into my mouth, clawing at my throat, tongue and lips, eager to be spoken out loud. They came tumbling out. I didn’t know how long Sunshine would be in the bathroom and it felt right to tell him where I felt the safest. “Matt, I like you. I more than like you, I have for ages. I really like you as more than a friend.” We were still looking at the television, at Rosemary frozen in time, wondering what the fuck was going on.

The heartbeat I waited to hear what Matt said in reply felt like an eternity to me. “I know.” He said.

I looked at Matt for the first time, turning my head to look at him. I so wanted to find joy on his face that I was surprised to see sadness there before he turned away from me. I waited another lifetime to hear his response, but there was a knock at the door and then footsteps walking into the room. Louis sat down on the floor beside us and gave Matt and I a wide smile which I wasn’t able to return.

“What’s up douchebags?” I normally tried to stay clear of Luigi. He was a little older than us and he liked to sleep around a lot. I knew that he was rough business. He was nice enough to me and I gave the same back to him, but I turned down all his advances. Luigi gave me the bad vibes and not in a fun way. A rough goatee covered his chin, and his hair was blond with his black hair showing throughout. He looked like a skunk or some kind of rodent to me and I had known enough men like to know that he was best avoided.

Sunshine came back to the living room and gave Louis a look. “Look what the cat dragged in.”

“Haven’t you jerked off enough for one day?” Luigi said. “The walls of that bathroom must be covered with your jizz.”

“Har dee har har.” Sunshine said.

Luigi gave Matt a long leer. “Want to go somewhere and fuck?”

Matt looked as if Christmas had come early. “Yes, please!” He leapt up and Luigi put his arm around Matt possessively. They left together without Matt giving me a backward glance. Silence filled the room for a moment, Rosemary’s face staring frozenly back at us.

“What a shit.” Sunshine said.

“Which one?”

“Both of them honey. Both of them are fucking shit. Matt is dead to me.”

“It’s okay,”

“No, it’s not. Leading you on your some kind of love sick puppy and then kicking you when you tell him how you really feel.”

“You heard all that?”

“Honey, these walls are like cardboard.” He let out a snort of laughter and reached over to take my hand. “How are you?”  

I took a moment to answer. I looked within myself, and I could feel the hurt there. It was so new that I could feel it taking up shape within me. However, alongside that hurt was the resolve never to let anyone do that to me again. I felt like I was emerging from a cocoon and, though it wasn’t as nice and warm as the cocoon had been, it like I was waking up from a long and happy sleep.

Matt had left his purse. Inside the bag was his compact and I opened it so that I could see myself. I didn’t look any different, but the change was within. The hurt was there, but I was going to be okay.

“I’m okay,” I told him.

“No, you’re not. But that’s okay, too.”

He pressed play and we cuddled closer to each other and watched as Rosemary search for her baby and slowly lose herself to the paranoia that surrounded her.

Chapter Nineteen – The Sun

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot

I was at the Mission having lunch when I heard someone call out my brother’s name.

Turning automatically, I saw shock and knowing on the persons face. “Your him, but not him, aren’t you?”

“If you mean my brother, then yes and no.” I took in the sight of this man. He looked quite a few years older than me, mid thirties or so. His eyes were filled with curiosity and openness, which was rare. Almost all the people I had met here had storms in their eyes, having survived some kind of trauma and it left a mark on people. He had clouds in his eyes, but even from where I sat, when the clouds moved, I could see the light within him.

“I see that. You are less of a storm than he was and more of the sun.”

Beside me, Sunshine leaned forward. “My name is Sunshine, so what am I?”

The man blinked at him. “You are radiant, I think.”

“Oh, I like this guy.” Sunshine stage whispered to me.

“How long did you know my brother?”

The man shrugged. His hair was combed, and he had a bushel of a moustache and a thick grey beard. He reminded me of a librarian as he was wearing a cardigan and what looked like glasses hanging from a chain around his neck. “I knew him for some time. He was very kind to me on a few occasions and that’s not something you forget.

I thanked him and Sunshine and I finished our meal. As we were about to leave the table, the man called out to me. “I’m going to give you a piece of advice, young man. You need to look for what brings you joy. There is a storm brewing in you and I would hate for it to consume you.”

I shrugged. “I do have joy.” I looked over at Sunshine.

“You need a joy all your own. You can’t always depend on others to be around to keep your light alive.” He tapped my chest gently with the first two fingers of his right hand. “You need to find that joy and carry it in here. That will see you through.”

I thanked him, resisting the urge to give him a hug. I didn’t know if it was okay to hug strangers and I did want to hug him, but I resisted. Maybe he could see me hesitating because he took me in a soft and gentle hug. I let him hug me and I hugged him back. It was the first time that an older man had hugged me, and it brought me so much comfort instead of the fear that my father brought to life. He had never hugged me like this, simply for the sake of a hug. Every time that my father had come close, it had been to hurt, not to heal.

The man smelled of spicy aftershave and tobacco and I breathed that scent in. I’m not sure how long that hug went on for, only that for that moment, all that existed was that embrace. “You are braver than you know. Remember, joy is out there if you are willing to look for it.”

“Thank you,” I breathed. I blinked rapidly to keep the tears from falling.

Sunshine and I left the Mission and walked towards the YSB. I lit a cigarette, took a drag and handed it to him.

“That’s pretty amazing.”

“What is?”

“When everyday angels like that show up in your path.”

“What do you mean?”

“My mom always used to tell me about ordinary people that come into our paths just for an instant. They are supposed to bring us clarity, show us the road ahead or just help us in a moment of need.”

“Do you really think that’s what that man was? Some kind of angel?”

“Don’t you?” Sunshine said.

I thought about what the man had said. I needed to find my own joy in order to keep my light alive. I thought of the storm that had raged in my brother for as long as I’ve known him. It gave him the monicker of bad son and troublemaker, but I knew that what propelled him was a need to find out where his place was in this world and not being able to find a place for himself.

I was going through the same journey now and had to let go of the fear. I needed to remind myself that I had a lot to be joyful about. I had my street family, I had Sunshine, I had friends. I may not know where I was going, but I could see the road ahead of me more than I had been able to before.

There was joy to be found in that. I pictured a candle inside my chest right next to my heart. Its wick was lit with a small flame, a pinprick of light. It was a spark that had been given life inside of me. I cupped my hands around that small flame to keep it safe. I needed to shine my own light and every light began with a spark.

The Emerald Tarot – A Review

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in Tarot, Tarot Deck Reviews, Tarot Decks

I saw a few images of The Emerald Tarot and bought the deck mostly sight unseen. The truth is, normally when I spot a deck that I’m drawn to, I research the heck out of it and watch videos, read reviews and whatever I can learn about the deck and its vision before clicking buy now. With The Emerald Tarot, there was none of that to be found. I’m not sure why, it’s a brilliant and gorgeous deck that deserves all kinds of praise.

It looks like it should be a pip deck, but all cards are illustrated. It reminds me a lot of the Tarot de Marseilles and has the same feeling to it. Despite having illustrated minors, it doesn’t lose that Tarot de Marseilles feel that it has. The Emerald Tarot is at once timeless and yet it’s also something new.

The deck is published by Ratti Incantanti and is based on The Emerald Tablet, a philosophical source of myths and legends. The box is beautifully designed and looks like an emerald-coloured book with an old clasp. When you open the box, you are invited into the words and images of The Emerald Tarot and what a story it has to tell.

Now, a word to the tarot purists out there. The Emerald Tarot changes quite a few things about the tarot structure that we know and love. In the Major Arcana, a lot of cards have been moved around. The deck begins with the Fool, but that’s followed by the Emperor, not the Magician. The Magician doesn’t show up until card 7. Likewise, the High Priestess doesn’t show up until card 20. It’s got a completely different order to things, and it tells a different story than the one we know so well.

The Major Arcana

The different order of the cards doesn’t take away from the power of them. More, it follows the ebb and flow of life great moments and the harsher cards like the Tower and Death are mixed in with Temperance and Justice. The Major Arcana starts with the Fool and ends with the World, so the beginning and ending are the same, it’s just the events of the Fools Journey that’s different. When I first started going through the deck, I wondered where everyone I knew was. I was looking for the Magician and the High Priestess and was overjoyed when I found them later within the cards.

The Minor Arcana has been shifted and moved, too. The events that we are familiar with in the Minor Arcana that we know are still there, but the Wands and Swords have traded places. The deck is patterned off of the Rider Wait Smith imagery that we know so well, but Wands are now Air and Swords are now Fire. What’s more, the imagery of the people within the cards have been changed, the Swords taking on the poses of the Wands suit and visa versa; the people within the Wands suit look as if they belong to the Swords suit.

The Suit of Wands

This takes a bit of getting used to and really challenges the reader to take a moment to pause when looking at the cards. The images are familiar, but both suits have been swapped with each other. This didn’t take me too long to get used to as I’ve often associated the Swords with creativity. The Ace of Swords often reminds me of the clarity I find when I’m writing, and I always say that my pen is my Sword. I can understand why some people might not like this shift in the way the Minor Arcana was told, but it works for me. Tarot is fluid, right?

The Suit of Swords

Now, the Cups and Pentacles suits have been left alone, and they are Water and Earth respectively. You wouldn’t expect the suits to all work together so well, but I think that changing Wands with Swords makes the Minor Arcana even stronger. The story that the cards now tell is a different one that we’re used to, but it’s a tale well told. With all the changes to the placement of cards and the suits, it is nice to see that some things have been left alone.

The Suit of Cups

The only complaint I have is a very small one. It says on the website that this deck is tarot and astrology driven. From the website: Where previous tarot systems have many layers of interpretation, including meaning from the Bible and the Qabalah, the Tarot of the Emerald Tablet focuses simply on Astrology. This deck is intended for readers who want a more honest approach to the astrological themes in tarot without the sacrifices made for its other interpretations.

That’s all well and good, but the only cards that have been linked to astrology are the Major Arcana and it’s been beautifully done. I was expecting more of a astrological focus to the cards, but it’s artfully done. If you don’t read astrology, don’t worry. The astrological symbols on the Major Arcana don’t get in the way of a reading, but nor does the deck have much to do with astrology aside from the Major Arcana and the changes in the Swords and Wand suits.

The Suit of Coins

The art of The Emerald Tarot is so beautiful. It feels like I’m using a deck from long ago, but with a slightly modern twist. It has a cute factor that never goes into a sugary overdrive which is something I really appreciate. It’s a hard balance to do. It’s not a deck with a lot of diversity, but none of the Tarot de Marseilles decks were either so I don’t feel like that should hold anyone back. The cardstock is lovely, thick and buttery soft. There has been a lot of care put into each area of The Emerald Tarot and it’s all tied together with the gorgeous card backs.

The Emerald Tarot shines like a beautiful gem. Though the deck makes us rethink how to connect with our spirit through the cards, there is enough that it similar here that the deck will entertain and amaze novices and seasoned tarot card slingers. It is timeless, modern perfection.

Design: Jesse Gros-Louis
Deck Art: Nicole Raskin
Booklet Art: Ben Farnell 

You can find The Emerald Tarot here: https://rattiincantati.com/products/the-emerald-tarot?srsltid=AfmBOopemj86BXLFzo0uKASm9eupw2pHGtWZvPFs_MqDS4GWLddetNB1

Chapter Eighteen – The Moon

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot

The world always looked different at night.

I was completely myself within the darkness of the streets. There was no need to hide myself because I was already hidden in the shadows. Renee was the first person to notice this. “Why do you avoid the light?”

We were walking in the square. The Ottawa Mission had a truck that would drop by the square and give out clothing, blankets and warm food like prepared soups. Renee and I walked around the square, our bags a little heavier with soups for later and new blankets. I wore a pair of socks over my hands as the cans of soup were quite hot. I had forgone the spoon for now and sipped the soup out of the can.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I said.

She gave me a look that I could discern even in the half light. It was one of exasperation and patience. Renee did something then that I wasn’t expecting; she took my hand and wouldn’t let go when I tried to pull away. “You know exactly what I mean. Why do you hide?”

“You make it sound like I’m some kind of fucking vampire.”

“You might as well be. Anytime that someone asks you a question directly, or focuses on you, you tend to go inward. You’re fine with the people you trust, but you shrink away from the people you don’t know.”

I shrugged. “It’s a learned habit. Being noticed before tended to get me hurt. It was easier to hide.”

“Well, I don’t want you to hide.”

I thought of how comfortable I was in Sunshine’s apartment, hiding from the world. Or amongst the kids that gathered at the YSB, or the crowds that gathered for lunch and dinner at the Mission. I could disappear in those places and seek to be unseen. I said as much to Renee.

“You must be joking!” She said, her eyes sparkling with merriment. “You are the one person that everyone sees.”

I shook my head. “That’s not true.”

“Of course it is,” She let go of my hand and turned her head skyward to look at the stars.

I was drawn to look at the moon. I always marvelled at the fact that it seemed so large, but it was so far away. I never felt afraid of the dark when I could see the moon. I had always been drawn to it, but more so lately. I thought of the moon as the all-seeing eye, more so than the sun. The sun brought light into the day, but the moon helped me sit with my truths

“You carry your brother’s mystique,” Renee said. “There’s that. He left quite the impression here, but you’re doing one better. You’re making your own path.”

I looked up at the stars then and they looked like they were dancing for the crescent moon. They looked unafraid to find their way forward. “Did you know my brother?” I asked her.

She nodded. “I only knew him by reputation, but he seemed okay.”

I often felt like I was walking with his shadow beside me, and I could reach out and take his hand, letting it guide me to where I needed to go, but of course every time I went to take his hand, he wasn’t there. We had always been two halves of the same whole. I had been cast into the role of the good son and my brother had been made into the bad son. We had always been good and bad, light and dark, sun and moon. Whenever the moon was full, the shadow of my brother that walked with me seemed the clearest. I looked beside me now and saw only a thin wisp of an outline, all smoke and no shadow, but he was still there.

“You don’t have to be afraid of the light, you know? Like the moon? Look how bright it is and it’s not even a full moon! Shows us where we are right now. It’s different every night, like it gives us a chance to take in what it’s shown us?”

She said this like a question, and it got me thinking about the traits I shared with my brother. We were identical mirror image twins, but so incredibly different. My brother had been unafraid to go after what he wanted, I didn’t even know what I wanted out of life yet, but looking up at the moon, I imagined it showing me a little of the path forward.

I tried to see where my path had started, but that part of it was lost to the clouds and the movements of the stars.

The Change Tarot

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in Tarot Books, Tarot Deck Reviews, Tarot Decks, Tarot Writing

I got The Change Tarot sight unseen. I’ve been going through a lot of changes lately, and the road has been bumpy. It’s been a lot.

When I saw that it’s a deck geared towards psychological and spiritual exploration, I knew that I had found a tool to get me through whatever came my way.

I adore the color pallet of soft muted shades. It welcomed me into the Rider-Waite Smith world I know so well but gave it a fresh take that changes things up.

The guidebook is where the deck really shines. Each card gives you the interpretation of the card through a psychological lens that gives you bite-sized advice and comfort.

The cardstock is matte, thick, but bendy, and there is no gloss, just the way I love. The box is a sturdy two part clam shell box, and the production is top notch.

The deck exists because of the book Tarot for Change by Jessica Dore, but you need not read the book to use the cards. The Change Tarot does make me want to dive into Tarot for Change again.

Jessica Dore and Xvaiera Lopez have created something beautiful here, and  they have helped to give me clarity as I make my way forward through the mountains, and I can’t thank them enough.

#thechangetarot #jessocadore #xvaieralopez