Tag: Wealth

Chapter Seventy-Five – King of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Personal Growth, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

The sky was the depth and wonder of black velvet.

The air around me was filled with the promise of something wonderful. It had taken me a week to make my costume. I was going as Demeter and Rhonda was dressing as a succubus. We had found my wig at the Zesty Mart on Bank Street; it had a good selection of stuff for Halloween costumes. The wig looked like real hair, and it gave me a black bob. It made me look older than I was. I had done my own makeup and had given myself blue shadowy eyelids and dramatic cheekbones.

I had found a long bolt of blue cloth and had arrange it to fall off one shoulder. I had found another bolt of black tuille and had sewn to hang from the waist of a simple black skirt. I wore my Doc Martins and carried a basket filled to the brim with leaves that I had collected and arranged. My costume was supposed to make me look as if I had been wandering among the snow, looking for her daughter. I had paled out my skin with white powder.

We were dressed for the Witches Ball. We were meeting Lisa and Darnelle there and a few more of our friends. I knew that Sophie, Fox and Jenn. Catherine was coming with Vince and Amanda. It was odd to me to me to have so many people I knew coming together. It filled me with feeling akin to joy, but it was somehow more. It shone brighter within me and I danced upon the thrum of this feeling as we skipped closer to Barrymore’s.

Barrymore’s threw the Witches Ball every year and I had never been before. I had been told to expect a night of magic and wonder and merriment. From the sea of people dressed in costumes, the others had not led me wrong. When we entered the bar, it was to find a sea of people in costumes and a band playing music on the stage. There would be a few bands tonight. The stage had been draped in webs and streamers that were made to look like a spider’s web. The triple moon had been painted on the stage wall and there were lights made to resemble candles everywhere.

It was too loud to speak sometimes, but we leaned in close and lost ourselves to the joy of finding others we knew in the crowd of people. I waved at Rainbow and Sunshine came in for a quick hug before heading to the bar. Catherine pulled me onto the dance floor so that I could lose myself to the music that was thumping through the room. It was filled with the bunt smell of smoke, the tang of sweat and a heady cloud of sage.

I let myself get lost in the music and the joy of the moment. The veil was thin tonight, and I knew that there was the potential for great things to be done tonight. I looked at everyone as I danced and I knew that I was lucky. In that moment, the air filled with the sounds of joy, I knew that my life had not gone to plan, but it had brought me here to be present when magic was being made.

The people around me, those that filled my life with such light, showed me that I was wealthier than I had ever thought possible. I had lost one family and gained another. Likewise, I had lost one home only to find another.

A lot had been taken from me, but I had found what mattered most: a place to call my own where I could build the foundations I needed. It felt weird and kind of magical to know that I had a home to go to, a bed of my own and a door that I could lock against the world if I chose to, or open to let the world in.

As I danced, I took hold of the Pentacle that I wore around my neck. It rooted me to this moment, to the earth around me. Within the room, I could see fire, breathe in air, feel the earth beneath my feet and drink libation. I knew at that moment, that I was everything that the earth offered. Holding onto that Pentacle, I knew who I was and I was finally at home in myself.

It was an odd feeling but one mad all the sweeter when the music changed and the bar started playing a remix of Rasputin by Bony M. I let out a laugh. My life was completely unrecognizable from where this path had begun.

I lost myself to the music and the scent of sage, sweat and booze that filled the air. I danced and I looked forward to what would come.

Chapter Forty-Four – 9 of Cups

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

I looked around myself a lot.

I was always trying to find my place in the world. I finally felt like I had a family of a sort made up of both people I knew from the streets and the Pagan community. My life had gone from having no one to being abundant with people I considered family of the heart.

I was so used to hiding who I was. However,  since I had ended up on the streets, I had met so many people that welcomed me as one of their own. I still found it odd to realize that I knew so many people that wanted to know me. I carried a lot of self-hatred, both from my childhood and there was a small part of me that wondered who would want me?

It turned out that a lot of people did. Sophie had weekly dinners for a bunch of her Pagan friends. We would bring ourselves and meet at her house in Lebreton Flats. It would be a gathering of like minds and kindred spirits. The people gathered in Sophie’s living room changed every once in a while, depending on who was dating who, or who was visiting from out of town. but the core group of us stayed the same. There was Sophie and her boyfriend James, Lisa, Jen. The people I knew were joined by Franny and her boyfriend Michel with Janice and Kyle to round out the group. I was a little shy around the people I didn’t know, but they soon became fast friends.

We would eat potluck style with each of us bringing something different the dinner and we would sit and play games or delve into magic by creating spells or doing rituals. It was the magic that brought us together on a deeper level as you must open yourself up wide to be ready for magic and it brings people closer together. I often wondered if the thrum of magic was something visible, the air would be filled with rainbows and shadow.

I went through a lot of different emotions when I was among these people. There was sadness if someone was going through something difficult and we had to band together to lift the other persons spirits, especially if it meant that one of our group would be leaving us. The people changed over time, but the core group of us remained the same.

I was reminded of the people that I had met on the streets and the kind of family those people had been to me. Looking around the room at these people, I could not deny that I had been lucky enough to find another kind of family and I knew how lucky I was to have these kinds of people around me.

Sitting in amongst a gathering of Druids, Wiccans, Pagans and otherwise, I thought about how my street family may have given me back my body and my Pagan family had given me back my spirit. These people hadn’t known me but had accepted me because they saw my spirit and accepted me completely. The streets may have taught me to protect myself, but this world taught me to be free. It was a juxtaposition that I was still having trouble accepting. However, whenever I felt like I had lost my place, all I had to do was come home to myself and the emotions that my body held.

The people around me were full of emotions and over time, the people that shared in food, joy, sorrow and laughter showed me that I didn’t have to be emotionally cut off. There didn’t need to keep a wall between myself and the emotions that I had been taught to bury down deep within me. I knew that if I didn’t let them out, they would rupture within me. The Pagan community were full of light. There were a few bad apples, you’ll find that in any bunch of people, but everyone was completely open with their emotions. They showed me that while I had to practice ward and sigils to keep myself safe, I was free to share my true emotions with them.

It was an odd experience. I was so closed off from people before and I was being asked to be open. My life was abundant with the people that surrounded me, and the core group of people had my back. I knew that I could be completely myself with these people and it was frightening and wonderful all at once.

I had spent my entire life so far having to keep so much of myself hidden from my parents, family and friends. I couldn’t talk about my disability, the abusive home that I had survived, my sexuality or my gender. There was much that was off limits for me to be able to form lasting relationships with other people and it was exhausting.

Looking around at the people that surrounded me, at Sophie, Lisa, Jen, James, Franny, Michel with Janice and Kyle. We were an odd sort of family, but we were a chosen family together. My life was abundant with so many emotions and that was okay. I didn’t have to hide anything anymore.

Especially from myself. I didn’t want to hold on to so many unnamed emotions. When I got back to Lisa’s that evening, I filled a cup full of water and then wrote the emotions I had been holding onto for so long. I wrote quickly listing off everything I could think of. I wrote about my anger, my self-hatred, my fear of being who I truly was and being completely myself. I filled both sided of the small piece of paper and dunked it in the water.

I watched as the water smudged the ink and softened the paper, making if soft. I swirled the paper until all of it was completely wet. I took the paper out of the water and began to shred  the paper into lots of little pieces until the cup of water looked as if it held wet snow. If I looked into the cup, I could see the letters that had been the words of my emotions, their ink fading even as I looked at them as the water continued to soak into the paper.

Standing, I walked off the back porch towards the edge of the garden. I poured the entire cup of water and paper into the dirt. I watched as the paper settled into the soil and if I tried to spell words with the letters I could see. With each word I spelled, I was making that negative emotion into something else.

I was letting go of the past and finally looking towards the future instead of merely living day by day. I wanted to dream of something more.

Looking down at the letters in the dirt in front of me, I tried to find a word so that I could divine what awaited me in the future.