Tag: Uncertainty

Chapter Sixty-Seven – Five of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

I had been spending a lot of time with a friend I had met a few weeks ago. I’d needed to get a break from Lisa as I thought about how to go about finding my way forward. It’s something I’ve never been very good at. When I make a decision, it’s time to move regardless of timing or circumstance.

When I met Rhonda, I knew right away that she was a spitfire and a flame. She didn’t take, but she burned so brightly. She lived life to her own drum and didn’t give two shits about what people thought about her. She carried her four feet nine-inch frame with grace and wasn’t afraid to sashay, when need be, on five-inch heels that she should actually walk in. I had tried once and fallen on my face.

Rhonda was part of the Pagan community. She had come to one of the Pagan brunches and made a beeline right for me. “You gotta play with the gays, honey,” she said, bumping my butt with hers.

She was a solitary witch and knew all about Lisa. Rhonda lived down the street from Lisa, and I would often see her as I walked around the neighbourhood. Lisa would pretend like she wasn’t there.

I would watch the two of them interacting at Pagan brunches and saw no love there between them though they hugged like everyone else did. I watched as they kept their bodies from touching each other when they embraced. The dislike was mutual and very apparent to everyone around them.

I had asked Lisa about the animosity that I saw between them and her eyes narrowed in dislike. “Stay away from her,” she said, pointing at me with her cigarette, the red cherry at the end of like a flaming period. I actually stepped back from her; I had never felt such a wave of dislike. “You don’t want to have anything to do with her, understand?”

Nodding, I bristled inwardly. I didn’t like anyone dictating to me what to feel. It wasn’t that I disliked it when someone offered genuine help or guidance, but I took offense at the directness of her telling me what to do. I did the only thing that felt right to me: I went to see Rhonda.

I had never walked away from Lisa, it felt like I was starting a new path for myself and I didn’t know what I was doing, but I knew what I wanted to do. Rhonda was waiting for me when I arrived at her building and went into the foyer. It was an old house that had been converted into apartments, just like Lisa’s house. I heard a door open above me and then Rhonda’s voice. “Come on up honey, the tea is steeping.”

I went up the stairs to the third floor and she was there, holding out her arms for an embrace and an air kiss. “Come on in. You’ve got something on your mind; I can see it, you know?”

I followed her inside and for a moment, it felt like I was making a deal with the darkness by venturing inside of her home. She was a complete opposite to Lisa who wore whatever she could get for free, so it was always a hodgepodge of styles and always spoke about embracing the light.  Rhonda was clothed in black leather, lace and fishnet stockings, make up and talked strongly about honouring the shadow as much as the light. It was fair to say that Rhonda fascinated me.

“Come, sit and be merry.” She passed me a cigarette and poured me a cup of tea. “Spill.”

I sat on her couch and my lap was immediately occupied by her fluffy grey cat Shadow. He purred up a storm and was head butting me for love and affection, so I gladly gave him some pets. I knew that pets could sense unease and upset and were known to be good healers. I pet Shadow’s fur and he purred louder when I gave him a scratch behind the ears.

“I think I need something different.”

“Of course you do. You’ve already thought a lot about it. I can tell you’re almost there. Let me here your thoughts.”

Rhonda was like this. I had watched her with others in the community. She helped others work through their shit, whether the other people wanted to or not. She could pull out a problem that the people she was trying to help weren’t even aware of. It was kind of creepy to a lot of other people how right Rhonda was, so she was often on her own. I didn’t feel that way about her and sought out her company.

It was why I had come to see her after all.

“I need a solution.”

“And what’s the problem?”

I shrugged. “I’m bored. I don’t want to sit around anymore. I need my own place and I want a bed. Am I being selfish?”

“Honey, no. You’ve been camping out on her floor for a long time now. I’m surprised you lasted as long as you did. It’s not wrong to want a fucking bed. I mean, at least you had a bed at the shelter. They had nothing else to give you, but at least you had a fucking bed.”

I nodded and held onto those words. “I mean, she has given me a home when I didn’t have one.”

“Honey, you sleep on her fucking floor like a dog. That’s not a home. It’s not wrong to want a space of your own. You need room to grow and you’re not going to grow when you’re planted there.”

I wiped away the tears when they came. “It feels like I’m betraying her by wanting something more.”

“You only want what you deserve. And it’s good that you’re fucking bored. I’d be bored as fuck all if I sat around reading books, playing Mario Kart and smoking cigarette’s all day.”

She put a hand on mine. “I know that it’s hard. You have come to realize that you want more. It’s not that you’ve outgrown the friendship, but you have outgrown the living situation. You’ve been holding yourself so tightly, Jamieson. You have to let yourself go a bit.”

I let out a watery laugh. “I’ve been working on it, I really have.”

She patted my hand and took a sip of her tea. “I know you have. You have dealt with so much hardship in your life that you’re thankful for any amount of kindness, even if it’s no longer kind to yourself.”

Lighting a cigarette, she looked for a moment as if a lightbulb had gone off in her eyes. “And I think I know just the thing to help. What are you doing tonight?”

I shook my head. “Nothing. Finishing my book, looking at the stars.”

Letting out a snort, she butted out her cigarette and got up. “Not with me, you’re not. Hold on a second.” She went to her bedroom and came back wearing a flowing black skirt and a green sparkly crop top.

“We’re going out.” She said.

Chapter Forty-Two – 7 of Cups

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Personal Growth, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

Francis and I were at a Pagan brunch when the first seeds of doubt began to find their way into our relationship.

Fox was sitting across from us at our table and there were plates of eggs, toast and bacon in front of us. I was telling Fox about a ceremony that Francis and I had taken part in the other night. I had stood for Air and Francis had stood for Fire as we made the four corners with a small group of other Pagans. A woman we both knew named Anna had wanted to perform a rite for herself and had asked a few of her friends to take part. It had been a wonderful experience performing magic with Francis and I was still elated by the whole experience.

“The room hummed with magic,” I told Fox. Beside me, Francis took my hand and gave it a squeeze. He had felt the magic, too and we had talked about it afterwards.

“Man, Francis. You lucked out with Jamieson, and you really robbed the cradle!” he said with a loud laugh.

Beside me, I could feel Francis freeze and then he removed his hand from mine. Beside Fox, Lisa gave him an angry frown and smacked his shoulder.

“What? What did I say?”

“You’re just fucking clueless, that’s all.” She said. Her tone was sweet, but her eyes were like steel daggers.

Francis chuckled beside me, but there was no humour in it. He waved a hand at Fox, but I saw the shape of a gesture in that wave. Francis’ middle finger was clear in the air in between all four of us before the rest of his fingers popped into view. “It’s alright,” he said. “It’s all right,” he said again. I could tell from the tone of Francis’ voice that it wasn’t alright. There was a grim set to his mouth that I hadn’t seen before. Whenever he looked at me, he was smiling.

After brunch, we took the bus back to his place. We barely spoke on the bus. Our relationship was normally full of conversation. We talked about everything, and Francis never put me down or called me stupid. We were equally fascinated with each other and the life I thought we were building together was one filled with magic, words, music and love. Francis and I were in the process of discovery, and I liked to imagine the path that we were forging together on the surface of the map within my mind. Everyone has a map like this, with roads already traveled and paths yet to be found.

On the map within me, I could see where our paths had converged, and the lines radiating from that point were brighter, drawn in shades of flamingo pink, sunset gold and the brightest cerulean blue. Looking back over the map, some of the lines that were drawn had been jagged and sharp enough to draw blood; a lot of them had. I traced the lines that blossomed like a flower ever since Francis and I had started dating and they flowed like water and air.

Which was I surprised to feel a jagged wall between Francis and myself as we rode back to his apartment. Indeed, there were no words shared. I tried to talk to him and figure out what was wrong, but he just kept shaking his head. We got off the bus and mad our way to his home in silence. No one else was home yet, so we just made our way to his room. I watched the man I love sit on his bed and crumple into himself as if the wall he had been a moment ago had just come tumbling down.

“You must think I’m an idiot, I’m sorry Jamieson. I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” I asked, sitting down beside him on the bed. I was surprised that I didn’t put any walls up. I knew that we were about to have a conversation that I might not like, but I loved Francis so completely that it didn’t occur to me for even a moment to be fearful.

He took my hands in his and they were warm. When Francis raised his head and looked at me, I was surprised to find tears in his eyes. “You’re only six years older than my son.” He let out a sob and I watched a tear slide down his cheek. “I don’t know what to do. What direction do I take?” There was desperation in his voice. “I love you, I know that, and your love is a gift, such a gift and I never thought I would find love again. I thought that I was destined to be alone for the rest of my life, and then you appeared as if sent by the gods. But you’re only six years older than my son.”

I knew that Francis had two children from when he was married before he came out of the closet. I knew that they were still a small part of his life, but we had never talked about them. Our relationship was still so new, and Francis and I hadn’t been together for long, even though our love was deep. He had never brought them up before.

“Well, did you want to talk about it?” I asked. I knew he was hurting over something, and I wanted to help him heal. I loved him so completely that I thought that love could heal anything.

He kissed me softly. “No, I just don’t know what to do. I mean, I’ve gotten lots of comments from people like Fox, but I love you and that goes beyond age. I love your spirit and I’m so happy to be in your glow. I’ve just been in a funk since the brunch. Fox’s comment really got to me.”

“What can I do?” I asked softly. I knew that he was still upset, that Fox’s comment had unlocked something within him. Maybe it had already been unlocked if he had been getting comments from other people about our age difference. I saw nothing wrong with being nineteen and Francis being forty-one. “Tell me what I can do and what you need from me.” I wanted him to know that we could get through this together. When Francis looked at me, I watched him search my face and knew that he was wishing I was a few years older. It had been the first time he had looked at me like that. He had always looked at me and accepted me just as I was and I didn’t see that within his eyes. It was there for a moment and gone in the next.

“I’m sorry,” he said again. “You must think I’m an idiot, I’m just being an idiot.”

When he kissed me, there was no hesitancy and no wall between our lips, so I gave into the kiss and let the sound of worry and anguish in his voice fade from my mind, sure that our love wouldn’t falter and that our map would be filled with so many lines, it would look like a spider’s web.

I hoped for this as much as I willed myself to forget.

Chapter Twenty-Four – 3 of Wands

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance

I talked to Sunshine about it over the next few weeks. My dreams had been full of gods and monsters, goddesses and wonders, magical events that had taken place before my time or had never happened at all.

“I don’t know why you’re over thinking this.” Sunshine said, taking a drag from his Djarum cigarette.

He handed me one and I took in the scent of cloves. The smoke was harsh in my throat, but tasted of far-off lands that I imagined my muses would have come from. “What do you mean?”

“You always talk about Egypt. It’s pyramids this and pharaoh that. Why ware you looking anywhere else. You always overthink things so much.” He pointed his cigarette at me. “It’s what keeps you so grounded.”

I let out a snort. We were sitting in his apartment. “How has it been?” We didn’t see each other as much as we had before. We hung out when I found him in the square, but there was a bridge between us. “Are you still dating Shale?”

Sunshine shook his head. “Nah, he didn’t want to settle down. He wasn’t into anything long term.” He tried to keep a brave face on, but I could see the pain in his eyes. “We wanted different things.”

I butted out my clove cigarette and pulled Sunshine into a hug. “I’m sorry.”

“Fuck him, honey.” He waved his own cigarette like a baton. “I’m a free man. It will be nice to choose myself from now on. Like you are.”

I nodded. I understood what he was talking about. I could feel a shift within me. It was taking its time trying to show itself to me, but I could feel the new path beginning to grow in front of me. It felt like I was divided between what was and what I wanted. “I’m not sure if I want it.”

Sunshine let out a puff of clove scented smoke. “What do you mean, honey? What could be better than this?” He waved his hands around the room. “There are so many cockroaches here, they’re throwing a party every night. You have your own room, you’re learning about yourself.”

“There’s so much to learn.”

“Life can be like that. You can’t be afraid to go wherever the journey will take you, Jamie. You have to look at what is coming and not live in the past. Look at what you left behind you.”

The bridge between us had grown longer. I wanted to take Sunshine into an embrace and not let go of him. I wanted to take him with me, to keep him like a touchstone. I felt so far from my family that I had known for so long. “I don’t want to let go of you.”

“I’m not letting go of you. You can’t get rid of me that easily, honey. No, all I’m saying is that you’re changing. Isn’t it wonderful? You’re able to let go of Shades and his bullshit and Matt was a fucking drama queen. You’re starting out on your own. How amazing is that?”

“I just live in a room, Sunshine.”

“But it’s your room. It’s your space. You’re at the start of a new beginning; you just haven’t realized it yet.”

“I don’t know where I’m going.” I said, almost whispering the words because I was afraid to admit this.

“You didn’t no where you were going when you got here. Don’t fight where the world wants to take you.”

“I won’t.” I told him, knowing that there was fear there. I had known fear all my life, but this was different. It felt like a fear that was filled with possibility instead of full-on fear that promised hurt. Rather than make me want to turn away and stay with what was comfortable, I was looking down the road that led me away from the bridge and knew that I wanted to discover what was possible.

“Good, I’ll kick your ass if you muck this up.” He butted out his cigarette. “Want to go look at the guy across the alley jerking off?” Sunshine grinned. “For old time’s sake?”

“Just try and stop me.”