Tag: Thinking

Chapter Sixty-One – Queen of Swords

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life

After the magic circle, I ran into Soph and his friend Katie. They walked towards me and I my spirit was buoyed by the fact he smiled as he looked at me. When I got closer to him, Katie smiled and gave him a nudge in the ribs.

“Hi,” he said to me.

I found it amazing the amount of meaning that one small word could have. I could feel the blush starting in my cheeks and I gave him what I was sure was a wobbly smile. “Hi,” I said back. “Um, how are you?”

“Soph has been talking about nothing but you,” Katie said.

My blush deepened. “Really?”

“Yeah, nothing x rated or anything, but he’s into you.”

“Really?” I wished my brain would think of something else to say.

“Really.” Soph said. I could see a yearning in his eyes, and I wanted to give into that emotion. Soph had seen me naked and had not run from me. He wanted me, I could feel that from where I stood. It would be so easy and still, I held myself back.

I heard someone walking up behind me and I watched as Soph and Katie kind of snapped to attention. The look of lust in Soph’s gaze was gone, replaced with what looked like fear. I hear a voice behind me.

“Jamieson are you done with your bath?” I turned to find Sophie at my side. “Excellent, come and walk with me.” She looped an arm around one of mine. “Good morning Soph, Katie.”

They nodded and smiled at her and stood stock still as if afraid to move. I gave Soph one last glance until Sophie snapped her fingers in my face. “Focus on me, please.”

“Sorry,”

“It’s okay. I’m all for a sure thing, Jamieson. But too much of a good thing can be harmful.”

“It depends on what it is.”

“Yes and no. I mean, far be it from me to tell you not to go after a sure thing, but shouldn’t you work on loving yourself instead for now?”

We walked and I took comfort from the breeze that moved around us, as if it were asking me to choose a path. I noticed that the wind seemed to be even stronger when I was with Sophie, but I didn’t know if that was my imagination or the way she conducted herself. I know that she spoke from a place of wisdom and I tended to take her words to heart.

“I’m going to say this and you’re going to listen and you can decide to do with the words as you wish. Are you listening?

I could hear the sounds of the air whispering in the leaves of the trees and watched as my cigarette smoke was dancing around me, twisted into curls and ribbons by the wind. I stopped walking and turned to face her. “Yes, I am.”

“You’re still broken,” she said, placing a hand on where my heart lay within my chest. “You’re broken, hurting and lost. You had true love, it takes a long time to get over that.”

“Francis didn’t love me.”

“Yes, he did. Anyone looking at the two of you could see that he loved you as much if not more than you loved him. It’s why he pushed you away.”

I snorted. “I’m too young, apparently.”

She took my cigarette out of my hand and dropped it on the dirt path and squashed the ember with her right foot. Then she placed her hands on my shoulders and looked into me, not just at me. “You are young in heart but old in spirit. That’s a good thing. It means that you will always believe in the possibility of love, but don’t you think you need to love yourself, first? I have nothing against a roll in the hay, that should be a requirement for everyone. But you won’t find yourself in the bed of another.”

A tear slid down my cheek, made all the more real because it was such a beautiful day. “Why did he leave me?” I asked.

Sophie took a moment to think before she answered. I could see her choosing her words, trying to convey her words as clearly as she could. “Because he was afraid. When you meet your soulmate, you have two choices, run towards them or run away. Francis made his choice and now you have to make yours.”

We stood there listening to the wind for a moment and I tried to let the thoughts that there was something wrong with me, that Francis left me because I was damaged float away in the wind. I knew that it would take time, those thoughts had hooked themselves deeply in my mind.

“Well, if he was my soulmate, then that’s it. There’s no other love for me,” I said.

Letting out a laugh, Sophie looped her arm through mine again. “Now if you believe that, you are a fool. A person meets as many soulmates in their life as they are ready for. Francis was your first, but there will be others.” She gave me a rare smile. “Now come, take me back to camp. I’d love another cup of coffee and I wouldn’t say no to something else to eat, either.”

Chapter Fifty-Seven – 9 of Swords

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Personal Growth, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

My first impression of Kaleidoscope was one of joy.

When our car drove up to the camping site, there were already hundreds of people that had arrived earlier that day. They milled about in the hot summer sun wearing whatever they pleased. There were men wearing dresses and skirts, women wearing leather and others wearing loin cloths and sandals. Others were wearing feather boas with sparkle paint all over their bodies and they glittered in the sun. I watched them move and the blinking of the sun made it look as if they were filled with light.

I heard people calling out to each other and I wanted to jump out of the car and throw myself into this world at the same time that I wanted to hide away in the car. The will to experience the rhythm won out and I knew that I wanted to lose myself in the crowd.

My body was vibrating with possibility and the smoke coming from my cigarette was dancing with the music I could hear in the air. As we parked, I opened the car door and stepped out into summer heat, I could hear drum music playing somewhere in the distance, the sound of people talking and somewhere nearby, a person singing along with the beat of the drums. The air around me was filled with magic. The chill that had been within me since Francis melted a little as I stood there letting the sun shine down on me.

Soon, we had gathered all of our bags and food and were trying to find our way in what was known as tent city. I felt disoriented by the sea of coloured surfaces, walkways and paths. I kept looking around me, trying to commit everything to memory.

“Don’t worry,” Lisa said. “You’ll get used to it. By the end of the week, you will be able to find your way from the swimming hole back to the tent. I know it doesn’t seem like it now but trust me. The land here takes care of us if we take care of it.”

Lisa had found me a space near her tent. That way, we could wake and make breakfast over the open fire together. Lisa’s boyfriend Carl had arrived before us and had chosen a really wonderful group of plots that were close to the portable toilets. “This is where you want to be,” Lisa said. “Trust me, you don’t want to be trying to find the washroom in the dark when you gotta go. This here is prime real estate.”

I hadn’t camped such a long time. Lisa had lent me nearly everything. I had a tent that would old three people, a lantern to keep the tent lit and to help me find my way to the washroom and an extra flashlight. I had brought my book, a journal and a few pens and my roll of foam. It had provided me comfort for so long and it was nice to have a touchstone, something that had provided me comfort for so long.

I didn’t do well with fear and I was terrified. I didn’t know what was involved in a spiritual reset, but I knew that it was going to happen here, I just didn’t know what it would involve. Even though I was afraid, I had to try and see this through.

After setting up my tent and laying out my foam and sleeping bag, I changed out of my jeans and into a sarong, a flowing piece of fabric that I wrapped around myself like a towel. Sophie had said that Pagan people could be a little bit freer on the island. I figured I was willing to ty anything once. I came out of my tent, my sarong fluttering in the breeze and my purse comfortable. It carried my wallet. Lisa said she saved all year for Kaleidoscope. “There are vendors all over the place, Jamieson. There are the mead people who make and sell their own mead. They’re always popular, but there are all sorts of craftspeople. Some of them make charms, cloaks and wands, jewelry and headpieces. There are all kinds of different foods on offer, too. Think of it like an open-air market. I found the most amazing oracle deck here once. Have you ever used Medicine Cards? I got my deck here two years ago with the bear claw pendant I wear.” I had seen the pendant shaped like a bear paw that hung next to her pentagram. “They sell all kinds of things here. You never know what you’ll find.”

I was hoping to find myself. I had lost or given away pieces of who I was. If I stood still long enough in the sunshine, the light would find its way through the cracks of me. If I looked down at my body, I could see the fissures and fault lines shining gold.

We walked along the main road of the campsite that threaded its way through the entire place. The vendors were set up there underneath the trees so that they were in the shade. Lisa introduced me to all kinds of people that I had never met before and even a few people that I had met but didn’t know too well. It was overwhelming to meet so may people and try to remember so many names, but I knew that I would remember most of them eventually.

Like the land, the people here would become familiar after a time. I just wondered when that would be. I tried to let the wall that I carried around with myself down a little. I had visions of having no wall at the end of the week. I didn’t know if that would happen, but I could dream. Even though the wall hurt me to carry, I had to keep a piece of it. I could never give all of myself to anyone else. Francis had taught me that I had to keep a piece of myself hidden within the depths of who I was.

As I walked along the path where the vendors were, taking in the sights of what was on offer, talking to the other people I met, I imagined that I was leaving a trail of blood behind me, the drops looking like rubies in the sunlight.

Chapter Fifty-One – 2 of Swords

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life

I was holding on to so much lately.

I wanted more. I looked around me and all I saw was Lisa’s stuff covering every surface. Nothing in here was mine except for the backpack that I carried with me It still held my tarot cards, my alarm clock that I had taken with me when I first ended up on the streets, what clothes I had, and my journals and pieces of paper covered in my writing. Although I had gathered a few more things such as necklaces and rings, Pagan books and worry stones that I carried in my pocket, I still wanted more.

I wanted more than what this life was offering me. I was struggling with this idea though. I had found myself on the streets and had built some kind of life for myself. Looking back at my past and the world I had lived in before, I couldn’t deny that it held some kind of appeal to me. I wanted something of my own. It felt like I was holding on to two halves of myself: the me from before and who I was now, and I was trying to make peace with both sides of me.

When I brought this up with Francis, he had a look of relief on his face. “I’m happy to hear you say that you want more out of life.” He pulled me into a hug and I breathed in his scent. He smelled like the woods after a rainfall, both musky and fresh. “This is amazing news.”

I shrugged and looked at his eyes. The storm was still calm within him. The seas within his eyes looked dead quiet. “It feels like I’m selling out.”

“Because you don’t want to spend the rest of your life on welfare?”

I shook my head. “Lisa says that true Pagans don’t value money. That if I remained true to my spirit, I would be content with what I have.”

Letting out a laugh, Francis pulled me closer. We lay on his bed, the television playing softly in the background. He ran his hands through my hair as he spoke and I could feel his voice reverberating through his chest. “Well, I like Lisa, but she’s full of crap. I work for a living and I pay rent. Being Pagan doesn’t mean you have to be poor and having money doesn’t mean that you have less of a connection to your spirit.” He said softly.

“It doesn’t?”

“No, it doesn’t. It’s okay to want to have a different life, Jamieson. It’s okay to want more from the life that you’re currently living and find your way as your true self.”

I shrugged again. “I don’t know who that is anymore.”

“Of course you do. You’re the person that I love. You are kind to a fault; you give before you ask for anything from anyone. You are a light in the lives of so many others. You’re a brilliant writer, an incredible lover and you don’t value yourself enough.”

“Well, that’s you. You’re my boyfriend. You have to say that.”

“No, I don’t. Frankly, hearing you want more out of your life than living on welfare brings me so much relief.” He stroked my hair again. “It means that I don’t have to worry and that you’ll be okay.”

I sat up and looked at him. “What do you mean by that?”

When he looked at me, the storm in his eyes showed a momentary surge of waves and I could hear the water crashing into the rocks. I watched as Francis controlled the waves and the water grew still again with only the rings of ripples in the water to show me that the waves had even happened at all.

“I just worry about you. Spending all your time with Lisa and her friends. There are so many people in the world that you haven’t met yet and you are just at the beginning of your journey.” He leaned forward to kiss me softly. “You just have so much to discover. Don’t sell yourself short, Jamieson. You have a gift you have to give to the world. Don’t let Lisa or anyone else in the world tell you any different.”

We lay there, the television switching to a cop drama. Francis and I watched it, but I could hear the waves splashing against the rocks again. The sound lulled me to sleep and I felt the water lapping at my feet, the wind ruffling my hair and I wondered if I had ever been so happy as I was in this moment with my past behind me and my future waiting for me to claim it.