Tag: Success

Chapter Seventy-Five – King of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Personal Growth, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

The sky was the depth and wonder of black velvet.

The air around me was filled with the promise of something wonderful. It had taken me a week to make my costume. I was going as Demeter and Rhonda was dressing as a succubus. We had found my wig at the Zesty Mart on Bank Street; it had a good selection of stuff for Halloween costumes. The wig looked like real hair, and it gave me a black bob. It made me look older than I was. I had done my own makeup and had given myself blue shadowy eyelids and dramatic cheekbones.

I had found a long bolt of blue cloth and had arrange it to fall off one shoulder. I had found another bolt of black tuille and had sewn to hang from the waist of a simple black skirt. I wore my Doc Martins and carried a basket filled to the brim with leaves that I had collected and arranged. My costume was supposed to make me look as if I had been wandering among the snow, looking for her daughter. I had paled out my skin with white powder.

We were dressed for the Witches Ball. We were meeting Lisa and Darnelle there and a few more of our friends. I knew that Sophie, Fox and Jenn. Catherine was coming with Vince and Amanda. It was odd to me to me to have so many people I knew coming together. It filled me with feeling akin to joy, but it was somehow more. It shone brighter within me and I danced upon the thrum of this feeling as we skipped closer to Barrymore’s.

Barrymore’s threw the Witches Ball every year and I had never been before. I had been told to expect a night of magic and wonder and merriment. From the sea of people dressed in costumes, the others had not led me wrong. When we entered the bar, it was to find a sea of people in costumes and a band playing music on the stage. There would be a few bands tonight. The stage had been draped in webs and streamers that were made to look like a spider’s web. The triple moon had been painted on the stage wall and there were lights made to resemble candles everywhere.

It was too loud to speak sometimes, but we leaned in close and lost ourselves to the joy of finding others we knew in the crowd of people. I waved at Rainbow and Sunshine came in for a quick hug before heading to the bar. Catherine pulled me onto the dance floor so that I could lose myself to the music that was thumping through the room. It was filled with the bunt smell of smoke, the tang of sweat and a heady cloud of sage.

I let myself get lost in the music and the joy of the moment. The veil was thin tonight, and I knew that there was the potential for great things to be done tonight. I looked at everyone as I danced and I knew that I was lucky. In that moment, the air filled with the sounds of joy, I knew that my life had not gone to plan, but it had brought me here to be present when magic was being made.

The people around me, those that filled my life with such light, showed me that I was wealthier than I had ever thought possible. I had lost one family and gained another. Likewise, I had lost one home only to find another.

A lot had been taken from me, but I had found what mattered most: a place to call my own where I could build the foundations I needed. It felt weird and kind of magical to know that I had a home to go to, a bed of my own and a door that I could lock against the world if I chose to, or open to let the world in.

As I danced, I took hold of the Pentacle that I wore around my neck. It rooted me to this moment, to the earth around me. Within the room, I could see fire, breathe in air, feel the earth beneath my feet and drink libation. I knew at that moment, that I was everything that the earth offered. Holding onto that Pentacle, I knew who I was and I was finally at home in myself.

It was an odd feeling but one mad all the sweeter when the music changed and the bar started playing a remix of Rasputin by Bony M. I let out a laugh. My life was completely unrecognizable from where this path had begun.

I lost myself to the music and the scent of sage, sweat and booze that filled the air. I danced and I looked forward to what would come.

Chapter Seventy – Nine of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

One night at Frankies, I got a shot handed to me at my station.

I was no stranger to customers buying me drinks and giving me extra tips. Some even brought me books; I always read when I was waiting for someone to show up at the entryway of the second floor. Tonight’s book was a paperback copy of The Silence of the Lambs without a cover. I kept it in my bag when I wasn’t reading it, afraid of beer or cocktails landing on it.

Taking the shot from the bartender, I asked “Which dancer is this for?”

“It’s for you. It’s from Jake downstairs.”

“Jake the bartender?”

The bartender gave me a wink. “Do you know any other Jake around here?”

I smiled and tipped the shot back. Sambuca always left my mouth feeling like it was full of peppermints. “Tell him thanks,” I said, putting the cup back on the tray.

“Let him know on the way out. I think you two live near to each other.” He winked again. “In case you’re interested.”

I let out a laugh and waved a hand at him. “Get away with you.”

Truthfully, it would be nice to have a bit of affection. I didn’t care if I worked with him, he was always trying to take boys home the same way. It wasn’t the first time that Jake had sent me a shot, but it was the first time I was thinking of taking him up on it. I didn’t want to spend the night at Lisa’s, and it had been so long since I had any kind of romantic touch; though at this point, I would settle for a bit of lust. Though Jake took a lot of boys home, he always treated them kindly.

At the end of my shift, I walked down the stairs. I had chosen to wear skinny black jeans that I had found out of the free clothes at the Mission. I had paired that with my black army boots and a green V-neck shirt with the V going low, leaving a lot of my chest bare. Jake gave me a an appreciative look as I moved down the stairs.

“There are those great legs,” he said.

“Well, they are pretty awesome.” I stepped off the last step and went closer to him. “Thank you for the shot.”

“I wasn’t sure whether to give you peach schnapps or sambuca.”

“Sambuca was a good choice.” I told him. “Thank you.”

Giving me what he probably thought of as a seductive look, he came closer to me. I could smell sandalwood, sweat and beer. “I’m not far from here, if you’d like someone to walk you home. My shift is done and we’re closing up.”

I nodded. He was giving me his best bedroom eyes, and they were a deep brown so dark they were almost black.

“I’ve already dropped off my till so I’m good to go when you are.”

“Let’s go,” he said. “I can get us breakfast.”

I bristled at the idea of someone buying food for me. “It’s okay, I did good in tips tonight.”

“Can’t you just let a guy treat you to breakfast?”

I thought about it. I had a better chance of getting laid if I went along with what he wanted. “Thanks,” I said. “I’m just used to doing things on my own.”

“Well, let someone else do it for you every once in a while.”

We walked down streets that were lined with houses and trees that were beginning to shed their leaves. He didn’t take my hand as we walked. This far downtown things could be difficult if two men were spotted holding hands in public. We were no longer in the gay bar and had to be careful.

That didn’t stop us from looking at each other. Every time I looked at him as we walked, he would look away. I would do the same as he looked at me, even though I could feel his eyes on me. He took me to the Elgin Street Diner. We waited until the food came to start speaking. It’s always easier to speak when you have something to occupy you. The food was acting as a barrier so that we could finally be ourselves.

“Do you have a large family?” he asked.

“Yeah, I used to.”

“Dead?” he took a bite of his toast and dipped it into his eggs.

“No,” I told him. “I left home and then was kicked out.” I didn’t feel like going into too much detail. I was sure that after everything happened, Jake would go on to someone else. I would be but a notch on his bedpost and I was okay with that. Sitting across from him, eating my eggs and bacon, I was desperate to be touched.

“You’re too young to be on your own.”

I shook my head. “I’m not on my own, I have friends.” I thought of the people that I knew in the Pagan community, of Lisa, Sophie and Fox.

“I get that, but do you have anyone? Everyone should have their someone.”

I raised my eyebrows and let out a small laugh. “So that doesn’t count for you?”

“I live the bartenders life. I’m not ready to settle down yet.”

“And I am? I’m younger than you.”

“Not my time.” He took my free hand in his. “You want to love for ever after. I can see it in your eyes. You want the whole thing, a man who can love you and give you everything you’ve ever wanted. You deserve that. You deserve to be honoured, cherished and loved.” He let my hand go took a sip of coffee and a last mouthful of eggs. “I can’t give you that and that’s what you deserve.”  He put his cup down. “But I can give you tonight. If that’s okay?”

I nodded and let him lead me to his apartment. He told me that it wasn’t much as he only had his bartender’s salary to pay the rent, but when he unlocked his door, he ushered me into a modest studio apartment. He had his bed right against the window and there was a couch and a television with a bookshelf filled to the brim with books. He closed and locked the door, and I turned around and looked at everything that he could call his. There were dishes in a dishrack, a small stereo with a record player that looked as if it had seen better days.

There wasn’t much on the walls, but there was a boho chic to the place. It looked like him and it was his. I stood in his apartment and envied him because to me, he had everything he could possibly need. It seemed so unreachable to me.

The lovemaking was clumsy because I was so unsure of myself, but Jake was wonderful. He made sure that I was taken care of, that my body was loved and that I was happy.  We laughed a bit and though it didn’t last long, there was joy. We lay there afterwards having a cigarette, the air filled with our smoke, and I watched as the two tendrils of it left lines in the air, though they did not intermingle. A breeze came in through the open window and when it left, it took the smoke from my cigarette towards the window. I knew that I was meant to move onward.

I took a moment to look around at everything that Jake had achieved for himself and knew that I could do it, too. It would take time, but I knew that eventually, I would have my own apartment. I knew that I had to move out of Lisa’s and that it would mean going to another boarding house. That was okay, I would have my own place soon, I could see it. Looking around me, I knew that this was possible for me.

I looked at Jake who was staring out the window lost in thought. “Thaks for this.” I told him. I butted out my cigarette and got dressed.

“You’re welcome. You gotta good home to go to?”

I nodded. “For now.”

He laughed and ran a hand along his chest. “I know all about ‘for now’.” He stood and reached out a hand to caress my cheek. “See you at work on Thursday?”

“You bet,” I told him.

When I got home, I found Lisa pacing back and forth in the living room. She looked agitated and a little frantic. As soon as I had walked in to the apartment, it hit me in the face like a slapped, my euphoria from Jake withering away almost immediately.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“You’re my fucking birth coach and you’re asking what’s wrong?” The cigarette in her hand and the wild look of her hair made her look like some kind of crazed person at their wits end.

“If it’s that urgent, tell me what’s wrong.” I asked her, my voice tired. I felt like I was talking to a two-year-old. I couldn’t stand her when she was like this.

“My water broke, ten minutes ago!” She told me, gesturing at her jogging pants with her lit cigarette.