Tag: stability

Chapter Seventy-Five – King of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Personal Growth, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

The sky was the depth and wonder of black velvet.

The air around me was filled with the promise of something wonderful. It had taken me a week to make my costume. I was going as Demeter and Rhonda was dressing as a succubus. We had found my wig at the Zesty Mart on Bank Street; it had a good selection of stuff for Halloween costumes. The wig looked like real hair, and it gave me a black bob. It made me look older than I was. I had done my own makeup and had given myself blue shadowy eyelids and dramatic cheekbones.

I had found a long bolt of blue cloth and had arrange it to fall off one shoulder. I had found another bolt of black tuille and had sewn to hang from the waist of a simple black skirt. I wore my Doc Martins and carried a basket filled to the brim with leaves that I had collected and arranged. My costume was supposed to make me look as if I had been wandering among the snow, looking for her daughter. I had paled out my skin with white powder.

We were dressed for the Witches Ball. We were meeting Lisa and Darnelle there and a few more of our friends. I knew that Sophie, Fox and Jenn. Catherine was coming with Vince and Amanda. It was odd to me to me to have so many people I knew coming together. It filled me with feeling akin to joy, but it was somehow more. It shone brighter within me and I danced upon the thrum of this feeling as we skipped closer to Barrymore’s.

Barrymore’s threw the Witches Ball every year and I had never been before. I had been told to expect a night of magic and wonder and merriment. From the sea of people dressed in costumes, the others had not led me wrong. When we entered the bar, it was to find a sea of people in costumes and a band playing music on the stage. There would be a few bands tonight. The stage had been draped in webs and streamers that were made to look like a spider’s web. The triple moon had been painted on the stage wall and there were lights made to resemble candles everywhere.

It was too loud to speak sometimes, but we leaned in close and lost ourselves to the joy of finding others we knew in the crowd of people. I waved at Rainbow and Sunshine came in for a quick hug before heading to the bar. Catherine pulled me onto the dance floor so that I could lose myself to the music that was thumping through the room. It was filled with the bunt smell of smoke, the tang of sweat and a heady cloud of sage.

I let myself get lost in the music and the joy of the moment. The veil was thin tonight, and I knew that there was the potential for great things to be done tonight. I looked at everyone as I danced and I knew that I was lucky. In that moment, the air filled with the sounds of joy, I knew that my life had not gone to plan, but it had brought me here to be present when magic was being made.

The people around me, those that filled my life with such light, showed me that I was wealthier than I had ever thought possible. I had lost one family and gained another. Likewise, I had lost one home only to find another.

A lot had been taken from me, but I had found what mattered most: a place to call my own where I could build the foundations I needed. It felt weird and kind of magical to know that I had a home to go to, a bed of my own and a door that I could lock against the world if I chose to, or open to let the world in.

As I danced, I took hold of the Pentacle that I wore around my neck. It rooted me to this moment, to the earth around me. Within the room, I could see fire, breathe in air, feel the earth beneath my feet and drink libation. I knew at that moment, that I was everything that the earth offered. Holding onto that Pentacle, I knew who I was and I was finally at home in myself.

It was an odd feeling but one mad all the sweeter when the music changed and the bar started playing a remix of Rasputin by Bony M. I let out a laugh. My life was completely unrecognizable from where this path had begun.

I lost myself to the music and the scent of sage, sweat and booze that filled the air. I danced and I looked forward to what would come.

Chapter Seventy-Four – Queen of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

Catherine’s three cats followed her everywhere.

If I couldn’t find her, I just had to listen for the padder of cat feet and head towards them. This time, I merely had to wait for the footsteps to find me because Catherine was going to introduce me to the others that lived in the house.

Soon enough, Catherine knocked on my door, and I opened it to find her standing there, surrounded by her cats. They meowed and rubbed against my shins and ankles. I reached down to pet them and to let them smell my hands. The cat that I held the other day, Bell, meowed until I picked him up. He nuzzled into my neck and held onto me, purring contentedly. Catherine smiled and rubbed Bell’s head between his ears. “He likes you. He’s fussy with people normally, but he’s taken a real shine to you.”

She was wearing a white poet’s blouse and short skirt that looked as if it were made of neckties. A purse was slung across her shoulder and on the front pocket I could see writing. I bent down to take a closer look. It read: Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians.

“Are you ready? I know you’re still putting yourself to right, but I promised to take you around to meet everyone and show you around. Is now a good time?”

I nodded and slung my purse onto my shoulder. It had my keys, book, tarot card and crystals. It felt kind of wonderful to lock the door and know that all my things were safe. The night before, I had traced a pentacle on the other side of my door, and I marvelled at how such a simple thing like a door made me feel safer than I had felt in a long time.

“It’s kind of mind blowing, isn’t it?”

“What’s that?”

“How a door can lead to home, to new adventures or be a barrier against what we don’t need anymore.” She took Bell from me, and he snuggled right into her embrace. “Doors can lead us to new things to explore, and they are barriers that we can control.” She put hand up and seemed to be listening for something. Turning to me, she smiled. “Nice wards. They are all warm and lovely like you. Come on.”

She led me to a door and knocked on it. “There are four rooms down here and three rooms in the attic. I love up there with Vince and Amanda. Laura lives down here with you, Ted is at the end of the hallway, and this room belongs to Eric. He’s really nice, though he’s really shy.”

The door in front of us opened and I saw a mop of dusty blond hair falling into blue green eyes. “Hey Eric, this is Jamieson. He lives next door to you.”

“Hi,” He held out his hand almost as an afterthought and I shook it lightly.

“Hello,” I said. “Nice to meet you,”

He nodded almost jumped when Catherine reached out to touch his arm. “We’re going to go for coffee. Do you want to come with us?”

“No,” he shook his head. “Reading, thank you though.”

“No thanks needed. Maybe next time?”

He nodded at us and retreated back into his room. “He’s such a nice guy if you can get him out of his shell.” She passed the other door. “Laura is out at her job. She volunteers at the Mission a lot. She likes to give back to those that helped her. I’ll make sure you meet her later.”

Knocking on Ted’s door, Catherine stepped back and gently pulled me back with her. “Trust me,” she said with a wink.

The door flew open and Ted looked at the two of us dark eyes filled with a light that had nothing to do with the lights above us. “Have you come to hear me recite some poetry?” He asked me.

“I could if that’s what you want me to do.” I said.

“Excellent, please recite the following sonnet. It’s one of my absolute favourites!” He yelled this as if he were in a large auditorium and needed to be heard.  He thrust a copy of A Midsummers Night Dream at me. It had obviously been read countless times. The book felt like it would fall apart in my grasp, but I was careful with it.

The sonnet had been highlighted in different colours. I read: “Over hill, over dale, Thorough bush, thorough brier, Over park, over pale, Thorough flood, thorough fire, I do wander every where, Swifter than the moon’s sphere; And I serve the fairy queen, To dew her orbs upon the green: The cowslips tall her pensioners be; In their gold coats spots you see; Those be rubies, fairy favours, In those freckles live their savours: I must go seek some dew-drops here And hang a pearl in every cowslip’s ear. Farewell, thou lob of spirits: I’ll be gone; Our queen and all her elves come here anon.”

I looked up and was astounded to see that Ted was actually crying. “Thank you fair sir.”

“Ted, this is Jamieson. I told you about him earlier.”

“Fair thee well, son of Jamie. May we merry meet again.” Giving us a bow, he retreated to his room and closed the door softly.

I stared at it in wonder. “Come on, let’s go see Amanda and see if she wants to go for coffee with us. There’s no point trying to meet Vis, he doesn’t get up until its nighttime. He likes to pretend he’s a vampire. It’s a good thing he looks good in black otherwise the whole vampire thing would be a total waste.” She went up the stairs, and I followed her. Bell went ahead of us and scratched at Amanda’s door.

When it opened, we were greeted by someone that bore a strong resemblance to Lucille Ball. Her makeup had been done in bold, exaggerated strokes and she wore her dark red hair all bundled together on top of her head. She wore what looked like a yellow Mumu cinched with a bright pink belt. “We going for a coffee run? Gosh, it’s been forever since I’ve had a good cup of coffee, maybe like a few hours? I’m not sure how long it’s been! Hey, are you Jamieson? It’s so nice to meet you!” She took my right hand in her own and clasped our hands together with her left. She shook my hand as if I were a visiting official. “Where do you come from? Don’t answer me, I’m good at guessing? Do you come from the cosmos? See, I knew it. Well, are we going or not?” With a finger wave, she began to make her way down the stairs ahead of us.

The very halls of the house seemed to breathe with relief. Catherine laughed at the shocked look I must have worn on my face. “She can be a lot, but Amanda is a brilliant artist. You should see some of her oil work.”

The day seemed bright once we left the house like the world was coming to life around me. We took the short trek to Irene’s Pub on Bank Street and hopped into a booth. The waitress came and took our coffee order. Catherine and I ordered a plate of zucchini sticks to share. Amanda waved her hand. “I’m off zucchini for a while. I had a little bender last week and it was zucchini everything.”

“Last month it was carrots.” Catherine said.

“I mean, they were so orange. Just calling out to be eaten.”

“And yet you hate oranges.”

Amanda waved her hand again as if she were shooing a fly or dismissing a servant. “Self-righteous bastards.” She said. “I can’t even with them.”

Catherine let out a laugh and Amanda snorted loudly. Soon, I was giggling right along with them. I hadn’t had much to laugh about and now here was this gift and who was I to turn away from the music of laughter? It was wonderful to let go of my remaining walls, even if it was just for a moment, so that I could lose myself in a moment of joy. I reached up to wipe away the tears of joy from my eyes and looked at Catherine.

For a moment, she looked to be wearing a crown of stars in her curling red hair and the stars shone so brightly. I blinked and realized that what I had mistaken for stars were really the tears that clung to my eyelashes. The laughter made by all three of us made the stars move and shift as if they were ready to fall from the sky.

Reaching a hand across the table to take one of mine, Catherine gave my hand a squeeze. “I’m so glad you found us, Jamieson. Welcome home.”

I nodded, agreeing with her. “It feels like home already.”

Tilting her head to the right, she looked at me. Her eyes widened at me and then narrowed slightly. “It’s so hard to run all the time. It’s nice to rest finally, isn’t it? You know all about that.”

Nodding again, I looked away from her because she had hit the nail on the head in one go. I tried covering and took my pack of cigarettes from my bag, I held out the pack and Amanda and Catherine each took one and we lit them from the same flame. I wondered if such a thing could be considered magic.

I let out a plume smoke and tried to put my fear into the air so that it could return to the ether. “Yeah,” I said. “It is.”

Chapter Fifty-Two – 4 of Swords

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

I arrived back at Lisa’s with a broken heart.

Every breath I took into myself hurt and I wondered if this would be the way it was from now on. I dried the tears that had started again before I entered the house. I wanted to appear strong, but I knew that this would not last long. I’d resolved myself to the idea that tears were a sign that I was strong enough to cry. I just wished the tears would stop. I had cried all the way back to Lisa’s.

She seemed genuinely unsurprised to see me back so quickly. “Jamieson, you’re home early.”

I looked at her and saw her kind face and knew that I couldn’t keep it from her for any length of time. “Francis broke up with me.” I said, new tears sliding down my cheeks.

“I know, honey. I’m so sorry.”

That stopped me short, and I felt like I’d been slapped. “Why are you sorry?” Her words clicked into my head. “What do you mean, you know? What are you talking about?”

She patted the chair beside her and passed her pack of cigarettes towards me. I reached for the pack of cigarettes and pulled one out for myself. Getting up quickly, Lisa put the kettle on to boil. She was drinking coffee, but she drank it at all times of the day. She knew I liked a cup of herbal tea in the evenings. If she was brewing me tea, I was pretty sure that I didn’t want to hear what she was going to say.

She waited until the kettle was boiled and she poured the water into the mug. I could smell peppermint across the kitchen. Bringing the tea back to the table, she put the cup beside me and took my free hand in hers. “I know because we talked about it.”

“It meaning us? Like, Francis and myself?”

“Yeah, he’s been talking to everyone about his feelings for months now.”

“Months?” I felt the ground move beneath me. Looking down, I wasn’t surprised to see that the earth had opened up around me. If I looked too deeply into the earth, I could see the air moving within it and feel the wind on my skin. “What did you talk about?” I could barely get the words out. It felt like I was having to pull each word from my lips, the air to create them gone for now.

“Well, how young you were, of course. How he loved you but realized that he didn’t love you in the way you needed to be loved. There were so many years between you.”

“That didn’t matter to me!” I told her, letting out a puff of smoke. I watched it float to the ceiling to join the ether and wished that I could find a way to disappear so easily. “I knew he was having difficulty with it; he kept saying that I was only six years older than his son.”

“Then you see the problem. He already had two kids; he didn’t want a third one.”

Whatever words I was going to speak were slapped out of me. I closed my eyes and looked down at my heart which still bore the scars Francis had given me. I held my heart in my hands, and I cupped my hands around my heart to keep it safe. I would not let him hurt me. I kept my eyes closed when I spoke next. “Why didn’t he talk to me?”

“Because he didn’t want to hurt your feelings. He loved you in the beginning, Jamieson. But there was more than twenty years between the both of you.”

“That didn’t matter to me. I love him and never saw age when I looked at him.”

“Yeah, well he couldn’t overlook it.”

“Fine, but he should have talked to me about it. Who else did he talk to about breaking up with me?”

An uncomfortable look came over her face. “Everyone,” she said.

“Like, everyone we know? Define everyone. Like Darnelle and Sophie? Jen?”

“That’s a good start. But when I mean everyone, I mean anyone who would listen. He was so broken up about everything. It’s been going on for months.”

“But we’ve been together for months, almost a year.”

“He started talking to me about it soon after you got together. He loved you but didn’t know what to do.”

“Yeah, well, he certainly knew what to do when I was sucking his dick.” The words came out of my mouth unbidden. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She pushed my cup of tea towards me. “Francis is an asshole. He may be all flash in the pan and sparkles, but I still think that when you have a chance at love, you don’t start looking for excuses to take your heart back.”

I closed my eyes again and could see my heart. It looked whole again. There were cracks that ran along the surface, but it was still beating. I could get through this. I had to get through this. For a moment in the dark, I was beside Shades while he fucked a woman, and I opened my eyes so that I could let go of that memory. I was always giving my heart to the people who didn’t want it. Here I was having discovered what love could truly be and the magic it could create, but it had been a lie, too.

Lisa could sense where my mind was going. “He loved you, Jamieson. I’m sure of it.”

“Then why did he push me away?” I asked. Fresh tears slid down my cheeks.

“I think he was pushing himself away. Not that I’m playing devils advocate, but I can’t imagine what it was like for him to love you and fear you at the same time.”

I let out a laugh. “Why would he fear me?”

“Because you gave him the love that he’s always been wanted and that terrifies him. He doesn’t think he deserved it, so he runs away from it, hurting people in the process.”

I nodded and got up from the table. I took my tea and went out back, sitting down on the back stoop in the dark. I could see bugs surrounding the lamp by the door. I listened to the wind and the sounds of traffic and other people in the distance going about their lives, unaware that it felt like mine had ended.

In my minds eye, I saw myself holding my heart to my chest. I knew that what it needed was love and care. I couldn’t give my heart to another; I had to keep mine close and love it as much as I could. I would focus on loving myself, instead of loving others who could not love me back. I took the four shards of metal that had been left in my heart and gently pulled them free. I took the time to fashion a box around my heart that would protect it and keep my heart from harm.

I would give my heart the rest that it needed so that it would be able to heal in peace. It was the least I could do after everything that my heart had seen me through. I opened my eyes again and looked into the shadows, knowing that I had to find my peace after I had time to grieve.

I lit a cigarette and the smoke faded in the shadows much as I wished to do.