Tag: Hope

Chapter Seventy – Nine of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

One night at Frankies, I got a shot handed to me at my station.

I was no stranger to customers buying me drinks and giving me extra tips. Some even brought me books; I always read when I was waiting for someone to show up at the entryway of the second floor. Tonight’s book was a paperback copy of The Silence of the Lambs without a cover. I kept it in my bag when I wasn’t reading it, afraid of beer or cocktails landing on it.

Taking the shot from the bartender, I asked “Which dancer is this for?”

“It’s for you. It’s from Jake downstairs.”

“Jake the bartender?”

The bartender gave me a wink. “Do you know any other Jake around here?”

I smiled and tipped the shot back. Sambuca always left my mouth feeling like it was full of peppermints. “Tell him thanks,” I said, putting the cup back on the tray.

“Let him know on the way out. I think you two live near to each other.” He winked again. “In case you’re interested.”

I let out a laugh and waved a hand at him. “Get away with you.”

Truthfully, it would be nice to have a bit of affection. I didn’t care if I worked with him, he was always trying to take boys home the same way. It wasn’t the first time that Jake had sent me a shot, but it was the first time I was thinking of taking him up on it. I didn’t want to spend the night at Lisa’s, and it had been so long since I had any kind of romantic touch; though at this point, I would settle for a bit of lust. Though Jake took a lot of boys home, he always treated them kindly.

At the end of my shift, I walked down the stairs. I had chosen to wear skinny black jeans that I had found out of the free clothes at the Mission. I had paired that with my black army boots and a green V-neck shirt with the V going low, leaving a lot of my chest bare. Jake gave me a an appreciative look as I moved down the stairs.

“There are those great legs,” he said.

“Well, they are pretty awesome.” I stepped off the last step and went closer to him. “Thank you for the shot.”

“I wasn’t sure whether to give you peach schnapps or sambuca.”

“Sambuca was a good choice.” I told him. “Thank you.”

Giving me what he probably thought of as a seductive look, he came closer to me. I could smell sandalwood, sweat and beer. “I’m not far from here, if you’d like someone to walk you home. My shift is done and we’re closing up.”

I nodded. He was giving me his best bedroom eyes, and they were a deep brown so dark they were almost black.

“I’ve already dropped off my till so I’m good to go when you are.”

“Let’s go,” he said. “I can get us breakfast.”

I bristled at the idea of someone buying food for me. “It’s okay, I did good in tips tonight.”

“Can’t you just let a guy treat you to breakfast?”

I thought about it. I had a better chance of getting laid if I went along with what he wanted. “Thanks,” I said. “I’m just used to doing things on my own.”

“Well, let someone else do it for you every once in a while.”

We walked down streets that were lined with houses and trees that were beginning to shed their leaves. He didn’t take my hand as we walked. This far downtown things could be difficult if two men were spotted holding hands in public. We were no longer in the gay bar and had to be careful.

That didn’t stop us from looking at each other. Every time I looked at him as we walked, he would look away. I would do the same as he looked at me, even though I could feel his eyes on me. He took me to the Elgin Street Diner. We waited until the food came to start speaking. It’s always easier to speak when you have something to occupy you. The food was acting as a barrier so that we could finally be ourselves.

“Do you have a large family?” he asked.

“Yeah, I used to.”

“Dead?” he took a bite of his toast and dipped it into his eggs.

“No,” I told him. “I left home and then was kicked out.” I didn’t feel like going into too much detail. I was sure that after everything happened, Jake would go on to someone else. I would be but a notch on his bedpost and I was okay with that. Sitting across from him, eating my eggs and bacon, I was desperate to be touched.

“You’re too young to be on your own.”

I shook my head. “I’m not on my own, I have friends.” I thought of the people that I knew in the Pagan community, of Lisa, Sophie and Fox.

“I get that, but do you have anyone? Everyone should have their someone.”

I raised my eyebrows and let out a small laugh. “So that doesn’t count for you?”

“I live the bartenders life. I’m not ready to settle down yet.”

“And I am? I’m younger than you.”

“Not my time.” He took my free hand in his. “You want to love for ever after. I can see it in your eyes. You want the whole thing, a man who can love you and give you everything you’ve ever wanted. You deserve that. You deserve to be honoured, cherished and loved.” He let my hand go took a sip of coffee and a last mouthful of eggs. “I can’t give you that and that’s what you deserve.”  He put his cup down. “But I can give you tonight. If that’s okay?”

I nodded and let him lead me to his apartment. He told me that it wasn’t much as he only had his bartender’s salary to pay the rent, but when he unlocked his door, he ushered me into a modest studio apartment. He had his bed right against the window and there was a couch and a television with a bookshelf filled to the brim with books. He closed and locked the door, and I turned around and looked at everything that he could call his. There were dishes in a dishrack, a small stereo with a record player that looked as if it had seen better days.

There wasn’t much on the walls, but there was a boho chic to the place. It looked like him and it was his. I stood in his apartment and envied him because to me, he had everything he could possibly need. It seemed so unreachable to me.

The lovemaking was clumsy because I was so unsure of myself, but Jake was wonderful. He made sure that I was taken care of, that my body was loved and that I was happy.  We laughed a bit and though it didn’t last long, there was joy. We lay there afterwards having a cigarette, the air filled with our smoke, and I watched as the two tendrils of it left lines in the air, though they did not intermingle. A breeze came in through the open window and when it left, it took the smoke from my cigarette towards the window. I knew that I was meant to move onward.

I took a moment to look around at everything that Jake had achieved for himself and knew that I could do it, too. It would take time, but I knew that eventually, I would have my own apartment. I knew that I had to move out of Lisa’s and that it would mean going to another boarding house. That was okay, I would have my own place soon, I could see it. Looking around me, I knew that this was possible for me.

I looked at Jake who was staring out the window lost in thought. “Thaks for this.” I told him. I butted out my cigarette and got dressed.

“You’re welcome. You gotta good home to go to?”

I nodded. “For now.”

He laughed and ran a hand along his chest. “I know all about ‘for now’.” He stood and reached out a hand to caress my cheek. “See you at work on Thursday?”

“You bet,” I told him.

When I got home, I found Lisa pacing back and forth in the living room. She looked agitated and a little frantic. As soon as I had walked in to the apartment, it hit me in the face like a slapped, my euphoria from Jake withering away almost immediately.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“You’re my fucking birth coach and you’re asking what’s wrong?” The cigarette in her hand and the wild look of her hair made her look like some kind of crazed person at their wits end.

“If it’s that urgent, tell me what’s wrong.” I asked her, my voice tired. I felt like I was talking to a two-year-old. I couldn’t stand her when she was like this.

“My water broke, ten minutes ago!” She told me, gesturing at her jogging pants with her lit cigarette.

Chapter Fifty-Nine – Page of Swords

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

I lost myself to the night.

I could hear the fire and drumming behind me as I walked the pathways to my tent. The release at the fire had left me revitalized but also exhausted. I had been holding on to so much that it was a blessing to let go. At the same time, I wanted to fill the empty parts of me with something so that I didn’t feel so empty.

Strolling without any purpose, it was a while before I noticed the footsteps behind me. “Jamison, hold up.”

Turning, I saw that it was a man I had seen around the Pagan brunches named Soph. He had always been nice to me. He had shoulder length brown hair and kind brown eyes. As he made his way towards me, I saw that he had dressed for the fire. He was wearing a sarong with a belt fastened around his waist. From the belt came the sound of bells as he ran. The sarong was a rust-colour that took on the colour of the night and his flashlight as he made his way toward me. He had painted his upper body in sparkles. As he came closer to me, he slowed down and smiled at me, his teeth looking bright in the light from my flashlight.

“Jamieson, hi.”

“Hi Soph.”

“I saw you leave the fire. Want to go for a walk?”

“Sure,” I said. My walls were down and gone again and I was afraid of what that would mean for me. I was curious to know what Soph wanted from me; we had barely spoken a few words to each other. I don’t think he realized how much I said in that one word. I reminded myself that not everyone was there to hurt me unless I let them.

“Cool,” he said.

Reaching out he took my hand and I let him. It was the first time that I had let another man hold my hand or get that close to me since Francis. It felt good just to let someone get that close to me, especially since I now had little standing in the way between the two of us.

We let our flashlights light up the path in front of us. We could hear the sounds of water lapping against the rocks nearby and I could hear our breathing, the crickets in the plants that lines the path. The sound of my heartbeat got louder in my ears, and I wondered if Soph could hear it too. Every time I looked over at him, he smiled and I felt myself smiling back, despite my fear.

We stopped walking and Soph pointed up to the leaves of the trees. “See?” he said. “The moon is full. We always try to have the fire dancing at the same time as the full moon. That way people can really let go and if they fuck up and get stupid, they can just say that the moon made them do it.”

I laughed despite myself. The joke had caught me so unawares and it was so true. I had witnessed many people hooking up around the fire. “I wonder if they’ll remember.”

Soph let out a snort. “Maybe not…” He looked uncomfortable for a second before speaking again. “I want to remember this night. It must be the fire, but I can’t believe that I’m being brave enough to speak to you.”

It was my turn to feel uncomfortable. I scuffed my feet in the dirt. “What do you mean? You could have just talked to me anytime.”

“Yeah, but you’re so…you.” I looked at him with confusion, and he ran his hands through his hair and but his bottom lip. His eyes looked wide in the light from our flashlights. “That didn’t come out right.”

“It’s okay,” I said.

“No, it’s not. I mean, crap. Let me start again.” Taking a deep breath, he took my free hand again and held onto it. “I’ve liked you for ages. Then you got with Francis and I should have spoken up or said something before now. And now you’re sad and I can’t stand it.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I listened to the water for a moment and the sound of our breathing. I could feel Soph’s heartbeat in his fingers and his heart was beating quickly. Mine matched his and I was able to listen to my heart beating in tandem with his.

The fact that he would feel this way about me floored me. I never considered that people I didn’t know very well had chosen to like me even though we hadn’t shared a conversation. “Thanks,” I told him. I meant to stop there, but my mind had other ideas. “But you don’t need to worry about me.”

He shook his head. “I’m always going to worry about the people I like.” He paused and took in a breath that looked to contain courage because he forged on despite his nervousness. “I like you, Jamieson.”

We shared a kiss under the moonlight. His lips were completely unlike Francis’. Soph’s lips were soft and welcoming, and we explored the depths of each other with our tongues. For a moment, I had a notion that I was being unfaithful to Francis.

Soph must have felt something in my lips or intuitively felt something because he pulled back from me slightly. “I just want to give you a different perspective on things. You need to remember that you are beautiful. I want to help you remember that.”

I almost shrunk back from him. It was in that moment I realized how much damage Francis had done and how much self-doubt that he had left me with. I had been making it myself, building the chains one link at a time. If I squinted my eyes and looked to the left and right of me, I could see the rows of chains the dirt path, snaking their way behind us.

“I’d like that,” I said. He must have head my heartbeat increase because he smiled at me and his teeth flashed in the darkness, the light from our flashlights lighting the way back to his tent. I took his hand and let him lead me to his tent.

He entered the tent before me and I followed. I turned to zip the tent and could see a flash of metal, the chains had fallen away. I zipped the tent closed and turned my mind to other things and the gentle hands of a man who only wanted to make me feel beautiful.  

Chapter Fifty-Seven – 9 of Swords

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Personal Growth, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

My first impression of Kaleidoscope was one of joy.

When our car drove up to the camping site, there were already hundreds of people that had arrived earlier that day. They milled about in the hot summer sun wearing whatever they pleased. There were men wearing dresses and skirts, women wearing leather and others wearing loin cloths and sandals. Others were wearing feather boas with sparkle paint all over their bodies and they glittered in the sun. I watched them move and the blinking of the sun made it look as if they were filled with light.

I heard people calling out to each other and I wanted to jump out of the car and throw myself into this world at the same time that I wanted to hide away in the car. The will to experience the rhythm won out and I knew that I wanted to lose myself in the crowd.

My body was vibrating with possibility and the smoke coming from my cigarette was dancing with the music I could hear in the air. As we parked, I opened the car door and stepped out into summer heat, I could hear drum music playing somewhere in the distance, the sound of people talking and somewhere nearby, a person singing along with the beat of the drums. The air around me was filled with magic. The chill that had been within me since Francis melted a little as I stood there letting the sun shine down on me.

Soon, we had gathered all of our bags and food and were trying to find our way in what was known as tent city. I felt disoriented by the sea of coloured surfaces, walkways and paths. I kept looking around me, trying to commit everything to memory.

“Don’t worry,” Lisa said. “You’ll get used to it. By the end of the week, you will be able to find your way from the swimming hole back to the tent. I know it doesn’t seem like it now but trust me. The land here takes care of us if we take care of it.”

Lisa had found me a space near her tent. That way, we could wake and make breakfast over the open fire together. Lisa’s boyfriend Carl had arrived before us and had chosen a really wonderful group of plots that were close to the portable toilets. “This is where you want to be,” Lisa said. “Trust me, you don’t want to be trying to find the washroom in the dark when you gotta go. This here is prime real estate.”

I hadn’t camped such a long time. Lisa had lent me nearly everything. I had a tent that would old three people, a lantern to keep the tent lit and to help me find my way to the washroom and an extra flashlight. I had brought my book, a journal and a few pens and my roll of foam. It had provided me comfort for so long and it was nice to have a touchstone, something that had provided me comfort for so long.

I didn’t do well with fear and I was terrified. I didn’t know what was involved in a spiritual reset, but I knew that it was going to happen here, I just didn’t know what it would involve. Even though I was afraid, I had to try and see this through.

After setting up my tent and laying out my foam and sleeping bag, I changed out of my jeans and into a sarong, a flowing piece of fabric that I wrapped around myself like a towel. Sophie had said that Pagan people could be a little bit freer on the island. I figured I was willing to ty anything once. I came out of my tent, my sarong fluttering in the breeze and my purse comfortable. It carried my wallet. Lisa said she saved all year for Kaleidoscope. “There are vendors all over the place, Jamieson. There are the mead people who make and sell their own mead. They’re always popular, but there are all sorts of craftspeople. Some of them make charms, cloaks and wands, jewelry and headpieces. There are all kinds of different foods on offer, too. Think of it like an open-air market. I found the most amazing oracle deck here once. Have you ever used Medicine Cards? I got my deck here two years ago with the bear claw pendant I wear.” I had seen the pendant shaped like a bear paw that hung next to her pentagram. “They sell all kinds of things here. You never know what you’ll find.”

I was hoping to find myself. I had lost or given away pieces of who I was. If I stood still long enough in the sunshine, the light would find its way through the cracks of me. If I looked down at my body, I could see the fissures and fault lines shining gold.

We walked along the main road of the campsite that threaded its way through the entire place. The vendors were set up there underneath the trees so that they were in the shade. Lisa introduced me to all kinds of people that I had never met before and even a few people that I had met but didn’t know too well. It was overwhelming to meet so may people and try to remember so many names, but I knew that I would remember most of them eventually.

Like the land, the people here would become familiar after a time. I just wondered when that would be. I tried to let the wall that I carried around with myself down a little. I had visions of having no wall at the end of the week. I didn’t know if that would happen, but I could dream. Even though the wall hurt me to carry, I had to keep a piece of it. I could never give all of myself to anyone else. Francis had taught me that I had to keep a piece of myself hidden within the depths of who I was.

As I walked along the path where the vendors were, taking in the sights of what was on offer, talking to the other people I met, I imagined that I was leaving a trail of blood behind me, the drops looking like rubies in the sunlight.

Chapter Fifty-Six – 8 of Swords

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Personal Growth, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

I looked at the world around me.

I wondered how I fit within it and where I belonged. I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. I was between two places, where I was and where I wanted to be. An itch had started underneath my feet, and I didn’t know what it meant. I had chosen to stay. I would help Lisa through the birth of her child and then think of what I wanted to do.

The only problem was, I didn’t know what that was. What was after this? I felt stuck and not stuck at the same time, as if my body, mind and spirit all wanted different things and the only thing that I could think of doing was remain in place. I looked at Lisa and the life that she was growing within her and my life before, now and after. I had no idea where I was going. Lisa was fine with this life, but I felt like it didn’t fit me anymore. Yet, I was afraid of what would come after.

I felt damaged after Francis. It was as if by setting me free, he had taken all the confidence he had given me, too. I had felt like I could do anything but now I didn’t know how to. I was unsure of how to move forward. Francis had made a move for himself and left me behind to flounder in the dark.

I don’t know why I was having so much difficulty making space for myself without Francis. I knew that we were done and that there was no going back and nor would I want to. He hadn’t given me the respect that I had deserved. I felt lost and uncertain about where I was supposed to go and what I was supposed to do now.

It was Sophie that gave me the answer.

“You look like you need some kind of reset.” She told me.

We were at one of her dinners. Fox, Lisa, Jenn and a few others were there. We were sitting in the living room after dinner and Sophie pointed at me. “You have this look of a rabbit about your eyes, and you don’t know which direction to go in.”

“I’ve noticed it, too.” Lisa said. “I knew that you needed some space after Francis was such a dick, but it’s been a while.”

“Gods, was it that obvious?” I said. “I felt like I was hiding it pretty well.”

Lisa snorted out loud. “If you mean by hiding it that you’ve been wandering around our place looking for something you haven’t even lost, then you’re doing a good job of it.”

I felt my spirit sag within me. “I’m sorry,” I told them.

Jules, a new person to the group, took my hand in hers. “You don’t need to apologize. Fuck, when my last boyfriend and I broke up, I was a fucking mess for a year. Just because you know you’re done with the relationship doesn’t mean you’re done with the grief. That shit takes time.”

“What do I do in the meantime?” I asked the group.

“I just told you; you need a spiritual reset.” Sophie said.

“What kind of reset?” I asked, almost in a hushed whisper.

“I’ve already talked about it.” Lisa said. “We need to take you to the Kaleidoscope Festival.”

“Ugh, camping?” I said.

“It’s not as bad as all that. You’ve never camped with a bunch of pagans. Picture it, there are hundreds of us all camping at this site. There’s booze, magic and firelight.” The light in Lisa’s eyes shone and I knew that she was travelling back Kaleidoscope’s from her past. “There is magic all over the fucking place. Nothing I can say will do it justice, it’s something that you have to experience.”

“Besides, you’ve been wanting to immerse yourself in magic.” Jenn said. “Kaleidoscope is the way to do it. It’s a powerful place.”

I knew that I needed to break out of whatever funk I was in. If Kaleidoscope was the place for a spiritual reset, then I was going. Anything was better than the state I was in. I knew that it was all in my mind, that I wasn’t disposable and that there was a light inside me that desperately wanted to grow bright again.

I would nurture that weak flame until I could find the fire.  

Chapter Seventeen – The Star

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot

We ate almost every day the Ottawa Mission.

Sunshine and I would go there to eat lunch and dinner. “The food is amazing,” he said. “It’s like its food being cooked by your mom. It’s that good. They let you leave with sandwiches and sometimes some soup. Every Wednesday, you can go and take three pieces of clothing from the warehouse in the back, and you can take as many books as you like.”

He said this with a smile because he knew that books were where I found my peace as much as tarot cards were where I found my wisdom.

I just remember the crowd of people waiting to get in the first time we went. Everyone was pleasant and even neighbourly. These were people I would have turned away from in my previous life and now I was one of them.

I looked at the cross that sat above the door of the Mission. Normally, the cross would have made me turn away. The cross was one of the symbols from my past that still didn’t sit well with me. The people that found comfort sitting under the cross didn’t make room or give tolerance to people like me. To me, the cross symbolized hatred.

However, there was no hatred here. The crowd held all kinds of people from all walks of life: teenagers like me, mothers with their children, men talking in groups and sharing a moment of laughter or one last cigarette. The crowd of people waiting was full of those who were trying to find their way back to the life that they had come from or those who had made peace with where they were.

There was no malice in the crowd though it began to grow, spilling down the stairs and along the sidewalk. No one pushed each other and there was this soft murmur of conversation that sounded like music. The door opened and as I made my way up the stairs into the main hall of the Mission, I eyed the cross above me. Part of me tried to imagine it was a pair of arms, offering a welcoming embrace. I needed to feel more comfortable in this place and my walls were coming up.

When we got into hall, the music of people’s voices rose higher so that it was steady hum. I closed my eyes and found comfort in those voices, and it was like my body was being swayed along, carried by the music. I looked behind Sunshine and myself and saw a sea of people, all filled with song. The hall was filled with round wooden tables and Sunshine and I took a seat. We were soon joined by several others and all of them were kind. They asked where Sunshine and I grew up and one man’s face opened up as if it had been lit from inside when I told him that I had been born in Ottawa.

“Me too, son. We Ottawa born and bred are few and far between. Everyone here has come from somewhere. No one was content to stay where they were and went off looking for the great wonders of the world.” He tapped his nose. “You and I know the truth. Ottawa is full of magic, so why leave?” He smiled and he looked years younger, his eyes looking like jewels among the hills and valleys of his skin.

When we got in line to get food, I told the woman I only wanted a small amount, seeing the large crowd of people behind me that had still yet to be served. The volunteer that was serving food gave me a smile as if she had known my thoughts. “Don’t you worry about anyone else at the moment. Here, I’ll give you a full plate, you need to eat.” I thanked her and tried to stop my cheeks from blushing.

The food was as good as Sunshine had promised and I was even able to go up for seconds. As we were leaving, someone offered us food to take home like sandwiches and soup; there was even someone offering essentials like deodorant and toothpaste. I felt guilty for taking these things, but Sunshine had no such qualms. He took a wrapped sandwich and cup of soup for me, so I accepted the deodorant and toothpaste. It felt like I had been offered a meal filled with hope and kindness and my whole body felt more alive than it had in a long time.

As we made our way from the Mission, I looked back at the door with the cross above it. If I squinted my eyes a little, it looked more like a star than a cross, a beacon of hope for all those that needed it, even me. I had to start believing that I was worthy of the kindness that other people showed me, even if it did make me feel uncomfortable.

I let Sunshine hook his arm in mine as we made our way back home, feeling for the first time in a long time that I was going to be okay.