Tag: Growth

Chapter Fifty-Eight – 10 of Swords

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Personal Growth, Someone Else’s Life

That night, I found myself by the fire.

We had set up our tents and cooked our food. It was a communal affair, people that Lisa and Sophie knew stopping by the fire to say hello and share food. Others would come and share their mead with us or a cigarette. The sound of fires crackling mingled with the low music of people talking. The fire of voices could be heard as everyone enjoyed their food and the joy of being together.

It was unlike any experience with food I’ve ever had. Normally, food was a means to an end to fill a void when I noticed that it was there. I had gotten so used to not eating enough. I didn’t need to. This was the first time that I realized food could be healing. More than the food, it was the people who made it and shared it with us. We shared with those that stopped by our campsite. It wasn’t much, just a spare piece of chicken or a toasted bun, perhaps a cigarette to help the words flow past the lips, but that wasn’t the point.

Every meal was like this, the entire camp taking the time to really eat, share and palaver. With each meal, a part of me was able to let go of one of the bricks that I carried with me. I watched as each person that sought use out and shared food with us took a brick from my wall. Each would make something different with the bricks; in their hand, one of the pieces of my wall would become a piece of food to give to another, or a cigarette that would send the smoke to the sky that was darkening as the day went on.

I watched as stars began to appear and I had never seen them shine so brightly. Living in the city, I could see them, but a lot of the time there was this film of fog over them. Here, in the arms of nature, the stars could show me how beautiful they really were. I don’t know if it was the lack of pollution or the magic in the air, but the stars were lit from within. They were jewels in the sky and thought I would be able to just reach up into the black velvet sky and pluck one to keep with me.

I could smell fire.  Lisa tool hold of my hand and said two words. “It’s time.”

I knew that she spoke of the fire. She had told me all about it as we planned and packed and during the ride up in the car to the island. “It’s this primal force, Jamieson. Imagine a fire as big fire, at least twenty feet across. Hundreds of people dancing around it as groups of others play their drums! Picture it, Jamieson! You have never seen anything like it!”

And indeed, I hadn’t. Though Lisa, Sophie, Fox and Jenn had given me their impressions of the fire, nothing could have prepared me for what I saw as we rounded the turn in the dirt path and came upon the fire. It seemed bigger than what I had imagined, impossibly big and I could see sparks that filled up the night sky, dancing with the stars.

I could hear a wind that spoke higher than the fire. It called to me, welcomed me to fire and the flames danced higher as the breeze took hold of the flames. I was pulled by it into the crowd of people already circling the fire. They had painted their bodies with sparkly paint, draped feathers in their hair and had hung bells around their necks and writs. One woman had painted over her nipples with red and gold sparkles. She had red hair and it reflected the actual flames in front of her it looked as if her hair was made of fire. She held out a hand to and I took it. I took it, knowing that I was making a choice.

I took her hand, knowing that it would leave me changed. I didn’t want to run from myself anymore. The smoke, flame and the music of people’s voices were a music to me that was soon joined by the sound of more drums. I swirled into the flow of the people, the light turning all of us into spirits, made of wind, fire and flame. The light transformed mc in that moment; as I danced, I moved with the others and let myself feel the thrill of the music. I danced and moved with the others, others singing out loud with the music, filling the air with magic and sound.

I lost myself to the beat and the thrum of the drums, the feeling of the air moving around me. I let myself be free of the weight I was carrying and the need to keep myself separate from everyone else as if there was something wrong with me. Someone handed me a bottle of mead, and I took a health swig of the liquid before handing it back with thanks.

I danced so that I could be free enough to fly. I gave myself over to the air and release what was holding me back. I let my mind go and soon, there was only the dance and the beat that moved me. Looking up into the night sky, I saw the stars playing hide and seek with the smoke from the fire and I knew that I would be okay.

Chapter Twenty-Four – 3 of Wands

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance

I talked to Sunshine about it over the next few weeks. My dreams had been full of gods and monsters, goddesses and wonders, magical events that had taken place before my time or had never happened at all.

“I don’t know why you’re over thinking this.” Sunshine said, taking a drag from his Djarum cigarette.

He handed me one and I took in the scent of cloves. The smoke was harsh in my throat, but tasted of far-off lands that I imagined my muses would have come from. “What do you mean?”

“You always talk about Egypt. It’s pyramids this and pharaoh that. Why ware you looking anywhere else. You always overthink things so much.” He pointed his cigarette at me. “It’s what keeps you so grounded.”

I let out a snort. We were sitting in his apartment. “How has it been?” We didn’t see each other as much as we had before. We hung out when I found him in the square, but there was a bridge between us. “Are you still dating Shale?”

Sunshine shook his head. “Nah, he didn’t want to settle down. He wasn’t into anything long term.” He tried to keep a brave face on, but I could see the pain in his eyes. “We wanted different things.”

I butted out my clove cigarette and pulled Sunshine into a hug. “I’m sorry.”

“Fuck him, honey.” He waved his own cigarette like a baton. “I’m a free man. It will be nice to choose myself from now on. Like you are.”

I nodded. I understood what he was talking about. I could feel a shift within me. It was taking its time trying to show itself to me, but I could feel the new path beginning to grow in front of me. It felt like I was divided between what was and what I wanted. “I’m not sure if I want it.”

Sunshine let out a puff of clove scented smoke. “What do you mean, honey? What could be better than this?” He waved his hands around the room. “There are so many cockroaches here, they’re throwing a party every night. You have your own room, you’re learning about yourself.”

“There’s so much to learn.”

“Life can be like that. You can’t be afraid to go wherever the journey will take you, Jamie. You have to look at what is coming and not live in the past. Look at what you left behind you.”

The bridge between us had grown longer. I wanted to take Sunshine into an embrace and not let go of him. I wanted to take him with me, to keep him like a touchstone. I felt so far from my family that I had known for so long. “I don’t want to let go of you.”

“I’m not letting go of you. You can’t get rid of me that easily, honey. No, all I’m saying is that you’re changing. Isn’t it wonderful? You’re able to let go of Shades and his bullshit and Matt was a fucking drama queen. You’re starting out on your own. How amazing is that?”

“I just live in a room, Sunshine.”

“But it’s your room. It’s your space. You’re at the start of a new beginning; you just haven’t realized it yet.”

“I don’t know where I’m going.” I said, almost whispering the words because I was afraid to admit this.

“You didn’t no where you were going when you got here. Don’t fight where the world wants to take you.”

“I won’t.” I told him, knowing that there was fear there. I had known fear all my life, but this was different. It felt like a fear that was filled with possibility instead of full-on fear that promised hurt. Rather than make me want to turn away and stay with what was comfortable, I was looking down the road that led me away from the bridge and knew that I wanted to discover what was possible.

“Good, I’ll kick your ass if you muck this up.” He butted out his cigarette. “Want to go look at the guy across the alley jerking off?” Sunshine grinned. “For old time’s sake?”

“Just try and stop me.”

Chapter Twenty – Judgement

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot, Tarot Decks

There was a boy I liked.

Sunshine was the one who pointed it out first. When ever Matt was around, I became enraptured by him. He liked reading and loved to read my poems and what I had written. Matt had dark black eyes framed by what looked like a crown of eyelashes and looked at me when I spoke to him, like he really saw me. Every time he looked at me, it was like he saw into me and yet he didn’t run away. I was used to other men turning away from me once they learned that I was disabled. It was a fact of life and I had learned this young.

Matt was different in that he saw me, had read my words and read my most inner thoughts and still he didn’t turn from me. My words seemed to bring me closer to him and every time I showed up in the square, I looked for him.

“You’re infatuated with Matt.” Sunshine said.

I had been looking for Matt when Sunshine said this and turned back to him. “No I’m not.”

“Honey, I know a crush when I see one. That’s okay. It’s nice to see you still feeling things. I was worried about you. I didn’t want you to think that Shades was like all men out there. There are a lot of jerks, sure, but there are always others who aren’t.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. That hasn’t been my experience. I’m so new at being openly gay that I’m so unsure of myself.”

“That comes with time. You have to try, Jamie.” He smiled at me. “I’m glad you’re starting to open yourself up again.”

Matt came into the square and he saw me and waved at me as if we hadn’t seen each other in years. He ran over to me and hugged me and pulled out a new eye shadow he had gotten me. “Can I put it on you?” He asked.

It was a dark husky blue filled with lighter blue sparkles. I said yes and closed my eyes. I was surprised to feel the tip of the eye shadow brush tickle my lips. I could barely breathe and I knew that Matt was so close to me. I could smell the shampoo he had used earlier that day, the light musk of his skin. I could hear his breathing and it was low and rhythmic and I wanted to fall into it, into him.

“There!” He found a compact in his bag and held up the mirror. He had covered my lips in the eyeshadow and they looked like they were made of sapphires. I was surprised at how full my lips looked. He must have mistaken my shock for uncertainty because he started putting the eye shadow on his lips, too. “That way, we can be twins! You look fabulous and I want to look amazing”

I wore that lip colour for the rest of the day and so did Matt. We kept getting compliments and I loved it. I loved being seen and being told that I was beautiful. The two did not usually go together, at least in my mind. When I looked at myself, I did not see beauty. Every time I walked by a mirror or a reflective surface, I looked away. It hurt to look at my face in the mirror and I was usually more comfortable with being able to hide. The fact that the people calling me beautiful actually meant it was euphoric to me.

I started wearing make up and nail polish. I started dying my hair. I wanted to be noticed, but most of all, I wanted to be noticed by Matt. I wanted him to call me beautiful. I loved how he would hold my hands every day when I showed up in the square, eager to see what colour my nail polish was. I loved those moments where he would reach for me and I wondered if he felt the same way that I felt about him.

“Honey, all you gotta do is ask him. Tell him how you feel and see what he says, but I’d say that he feels the exact same way. He’s always going on about you when you’re not here! But I’d be a little careful if I were you.”

“Why?”

“Don’t you notice that he’s copying you? First with the eye shadow on his lips, then the nail polish and the hair. It’s like he’s waiting to see who you are before he decides what he wants to be. Just be careful, okay?”

I nodded but I knew that I didn’t want to be careful, I wanted to fight against my normal impulse to hide and let myself be completely seen for once. Matt made me feel like that was okay and that I deserved to be seen, even though there was always a part of me that encouraged me to stay hidden, that I got hurt less that way.

I waited for the right time to tell him that I liked him, but I never thought any time was the right time. This wouldn’t be the first time that I told a guy I liked him, but it was the fist time that a man had seen me completely and hadn’t run. I desperately wanted him to like me back and my brain kept obsessing over the right time to tell him. Months went by and I couldn’t find the right way to tell him.

One afternoon, we were all at home and Sunshine, Matt and I were all watching Rosmary’s Baby on his little television. Sunshine and I loved horror movies, so we picked them up when we could if they were cheap or free or we just watched our favourites. Matt had never seen Rosemary’s Baby, so we were all we were all watching together, Matt and I lying side by side with our heads propped up on pillows. Sunshine put the movie on pause.

“Okay lovebirds, I’ll be right back. Nature waits for no one.”

Words started to clamour and climb into my mouth, clawing at my throat, tongue and lips, eager to be spoken out loud. They came tumbling out. I didn’t know how long Sunshine would be in the bathroom and it felt right to tell him where I felt the safest. “Matt, I like you. I more than like you, I have for ages. I really like you as more than a friend.” We were still looking at the television, at Rosemary frozen in time, wondering what the fuck was going on.

The heartbeat I waited to hear what Matt said in reply felt like an eternity to me. “I know.” He said.

I looked at Matt for the first time, turning my head to look at him. I so wanted to find joy on his face that I was surprised to see sadness there before he turned away from me. I waited another lifetime to hear his response, but there was a knock at the door and then footsteps walking into the room. Louis sat down on the floor beside us and gave Matt and I a wide smile which I wasn’t able to return.

“What’s up douchebags?” I normally tried to stay clear of Luigi. He was a little older than us and he liked to sleep around a lot. I knew that he was rough business. He was nice enough to me and I gave the same back to him, but I turned down all his advances. Luigi gave me the bad vibes and not in a fun way. A rough goatee covered his chin, and his hair was blond with his black hair showing throughout. He looked like a skunk or some kind of rodent to me and I had known enough men like to know that he was best avoided.

Sunshine came back to the living room and gave Louis a look. “Look what the cat dragged in.”

“Haven’t you jerked off enough for one day?” Luigi said. “The walls of that bathroom must be covered with your jizz.”

“Har dee har har.” Sunshine said.

Luigi gave Matt a long leer. “Want to go somewhere and fuck?”

Matt looked as if Christmas had come early. “Yes, please!” He leapt up and Luigi put his arm around Matt possessively. They left together without Matt giving me a backward glance. Silence filled the room for a moment, Rosemary’s face staring frozenly back at us.

“What a shit.” Sunshine said.

“Which one?”

“Both of them honey. Both of them are fucking shit. Matt is dead to me.”

“It’s okay,”

“No, it’s not. Leading you on your some kind of love sick puppy and then kicking you when you tell him how you really feel.”

“You heard all that?”

“Honey, these walls are like cardboard.” He let out a snort of laughter and reached over to take my hand. “How are you?”  

I took a moment to answer. I looked within myself, and I could feel the hurt there. It was so new that I could feel it taking up shape within me. However, alongside that hurt was the resolve never to let anyone do that to me again. I felt like I was emerging from a cocoon and, though it wasn’t as nice and warm as the cocoon had been, it like I was waking up from a long and happy sleep.

Matt had left his purse. Inside the bag was his compact and I opened it so that I could see myself. I didn’t look any different, but the change was within. The hurt was there, but I was going to be okay.

“I’m okay,” I told him.

“No, you’re not. But that’s okay, too.”

He pressed play and we cuddled closer to each other and watched as Rosemary search for her baby and slowly lose herself to the paranoia that surrounded her.

Chapter Sixteen – The Tower

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide

When I saw her, my first thought was of fire.

She had spiky red and gold hair, brown eyes and a smattering of freckles across her cheeks. She was always smiling, and I wondered how a person could be a never ending source of light instead of puzzle or some kind of maze. I wasn’t used to that. Everyone was a kind of puzzle if you thought about it; you had to figure your way through what they held dear and see if resembled yours. It took years to know a person completely.

Renee wasn’t like that. She loved everyone equally and it didn’t matter who they were. Even if you chose to live outside and shunned the shelters, she loved you. If you had an issue with drugs, that didn’t matter. She always talked to you like you mattered.

She saw everyone.

I knew that I always lit up when I saw her as I began to run into her with more frequency. I didn’t know much about where she had come from and how she had ended up on the streets, but from the moment I ran into her in the YSB, it was like were drawn to each other.

I was a moth to a flame when I saw her.

All of my walls would come down. It wasn’t a question of hiding anything or observing their actions so I knew if I could trust them. There was none of that. I was instantly open  with her as there wasn’t even an iota of fear. I had only met one other person like that in my life up to that point. Those kinds of people are rare in life.

To say I was enraptured would be an understatement.

“Honey, you sound like you’re in love with her.” Sunshine said. He had just read a page of one of his journals and had asked me what happened during my day. I had spent the last five minutes talking about everything that Renee and I had done that day.

“Yeah, like I love you,” I told him. “Like we’re friends.”

“Do you ever mention to other people how my hair looks when the sun hits it just right?” He asked, giving me a wide grin.

“No, I tell them how awesome you are.”

“I know you do, what’s not to love. But you’re talking like you are in love with her.”

“That’s not possible, I’m gay.” I told him. I sat there looking at him, a new blanket I had gotten draped around my shoulders. I had picked it up at the Mission earlier and I pulled it closer around me despite the relative heat of the evening.

I thought of everything that I had given up to be gay, all that I had left behind to finally claim who I really truly was. I had struggled so much to be true to who I was. I had tried committing suicide twice in my teens, I had survived an abusive homelife and I overcome the mountain of high school, the ledge that should have been a place of safety that would help me see my path in the future but instead was a place of judgement, hatred and isolation.

I had survived everything to be what I was. It had been a secret for so long that finally owing up to the truth of who I was often felt like a waterfall that had been in front of me all this time had finally parted to let me through so that I could see what was on the other side.

“There are all kinds of love, Jamie. You love who you love, it’s your business.” He gave my hand a rub and lit a cigarette. He took a drag and passed it to me. “It doesn’t mean you have to sleep with her, but you can get as close as you want to. There’s no judgement. The normal rules don’t apply here.”

I passed him back the cigarette and when I let the smoke go free from my mouth, I let the blanket loosen around me. Sunshine had gone back to writing and I pulled out my tarot cards to figure out what I should do. I shuffled pulled out the Tower and the Seven of Pentacles. I looked within the guidebook and tried to determine what my future would bring.

Chapter Thirteen – Death

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot

We spent our days in the square.

It was where we gathered when we had nothing to do and wanted to be with others but still have the freedom to be outside. There was a Coffee Revolution on one side with a large patio and on the other side, there was a Scotiabank. There were other little stores too, but we stayed away from those stores. We felt comfortable more out in the open areas. I know that I felt safer among a group of people than I did sleeping in the shelters. I had stayed at the Ottawa Mission before, and I had felt like I was out there for the world to gawk at.

When I had stayed at the Ottawa Mission, I’d had a clean room with four walls and a small window, a simple bed with clean sheets and a blanket. It is a place for healing, but when you come out of there, people look at you differently. Your story is visible for everyone to see, and you don’t belong to anyone.

Among the people here, I was among my family. Sunshine and the people I knew here had become part of me in some way. I was surprised by how quickly you could form a bond with someone. All you had here was your word and your reputation. As long as I was honest about who I was and treated people kindly until they gave me a reason not to, I could be part of this family. It was that simple to have a family and I had never experienced anything like it. In my biological and extended families, there were lies, memories held onto for too long, jealousy and pain caused by other people. There were shadows with the occasional moment of light. There were promises that were broken time and time again.

With the people here on the streets, we supported one another, and we fought for each other. These were my brothers and sisters, and this surprised me. To be accepted for who I was and the fact that people wanted to know me was mind-blowingly amazing. It felt wonderful not to justify who I was and talk about what had brought me here. I simple was.

At the end of the day, we would go back to wherever we had found to sleep and rest our heads, but during the day, we always found each other. It was like there was a homing beacon that led us together.

I remember sitting in the square one day with my family, the sun bright on my face and in my eyes. I turned to look away from the suns rays and found myself looking at my mother. She was walking with a friend and looked just as shocked to see me as I was to see her. I hadn’t thought I’d ever see my mother here, but I knew that she often went out on Friday nights of went shopping on the weekends. Still, it I had never thought that I would see her here, or rather that I couldn’t comprehend the sudden clash of my two worlds: where I had been and where I was now.

My mother did not slow down when she saw me. She continued talking to her friend and kept walking. Her eyes looked at me though and I tried to hear what my mother was saying without the power of words. I felt an ocean stretch between us, each of us on our own island and unable to touch each other. I watched the current take my mother away from me and into the waves.

I sat there stunned, my head filled only with the sound of waves and the scrape of metal and steel when the waves hit the rocks around me. I tried to think of what she could have done, what kind of life receiver she could have thrown me, and my brain came up completely empty except for the sound of the waves hitting the rocks with furious abandonment. I knew at that moment that if I didn’t give up an offering of some kind, the wave would take me, too.

Closing my eyes, I tried to delve into the wires, skin and light. It took me a while to find it, but it was still pristine. It was the mind garden that I carried with me, the plants the result of everything I had planted.

Around me, my family carried on and I could hear the gentle sounds of their voices, but I was still within myself. I knew what I had to give to the waters, what I could freely give them in order the calm the waters within me. I didn’t want to break, not now, not after all this time. My mother told me that I would have to learn to do everything by myself, that nobody else would be able to do it for me.

Up until quite recently, my mother had been the one who had helped me and made me realize that anything I wanted to do was possible, despite being disabled. She had helped me to realize that even though I had difficulties I had to fight against every day, I could fight the battle. Even better, I could win.

I just didn’t realize that when my mother had said that I would have to do everything by myself and nobody else was going to help me, she was also talking about herself.

I reached down and gently plucked the Lily-of-the-Valley. Its petals were a wonder of blue, a few different shades so that the petals were made of water. The petals had reminded me of sapphires, and they always shone like beacons in the dark when I got lost for too long among my plants.

I went to the small pond in the centre of my mind and placed the lily within the water. The hiss of the waves and the strong screech of metal stopped. I wondered where the currents would take the lily. I knew only that by the time I saw it again, I might be ready to see my mother again.