Tag: Clive Barret

Chapter Eighteen – The Moon

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot

The world always looked different at night.

I was completely myself within the darkness of the streets. There was no need to hide myself because I was already hidden in the shadows. Renee was the first person to notice this. “Why do you avoid the light?”

We were walking in the square. The Ottawa Mission had a truck that would drop by the square and give out clothing, blankets and warm food like prepared soups. Renee and I walked around the square, our bags a little heavier with soups for later and new blankets. I wore a pair of socks over my hands as the cans of soup were quite hot. I had forgone the spoon for now and sipped the soup out of the can.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I said.

She gave me a look that I could discern even in the half light. It was one of exasperation and patience. Renee did something then that I wasn’t expecting; she took my hand and wouldn’t let go when I tried to pull away. “You know exactly what I mean. Why do you hide?”

“You make it sound like I’m some kind of fucking vampire.”

“You might as well be. Anytime that someone asks you a question directly, or focuses on you, you tend to go inward. You’re fine with the people you trust, but you shrink away from the people you don’t know.”

I shrugged. “It’s a learned habit. Being noticed before tended to get me hurt. It was easier to hide.”

“Well, I don’t want you to hide.”

I thought of how comfortable I was in Sunshine’s apartment, hiding from the world. Or amongst the kids that gathered at the YSB, or the crowds that gathered for lunch and dinner at the Mission. I could disappear in those places and seek to be unseen. I said as much to Renee.

“You must be joking!” She said, her eyes sparkling with merriment. “You are the one person that everyone sees.”

I shook my head. “That’s not true.”

“Of course it is,” She let go of my hand and turned her head skyward to look at the stars.

I was drawn to look at the moon. I always marvelled at the fact that it seemed so large, but it was so far away. I never felt afraid of the dark when I could see the moon. I had always been drawn to it, but more so lately. I thought of the moon as the all-seeing eye, more so than the sun. The sun brought light into the day, but the moon helped me sit with my truths

“You carry your brother’s mystique,” Renee said. “There’s that. He left quite the impression here, but you’re doing one better. You’re making your own path.”

I looked up at the stars then and they looked like they were dancing for the crescent moon. They looked unafraid to find their way forward. “Did you know my brother?” I asked her.

She nodded. “I only knew him by reputation, but he seemed okay.”

I often felt like I was walking with his shadow beside me, and I could reach out and take his hand, letting it guide me to where I needed to go, but of course every time I went to take his hand, he wasn’t there. We had always been two halves of the same whole. I had been cast into the role of the good son and my brother had been made into the bad son. We had always been good and bad, light and dark, sun and moon. Whenever the moon was full, the shadow of my brother that walked with me seemed the clearest. I looked beside me now and saw only a thin wisp of an outline, all smoke and no shadow, but he was still there.

“You don’t have to be afraid of the light, you know? Like the moon? Look how bright it is and it’s not even a full moon! Shows us where we are right now. It’s different every night, like it gives us a chance to take in what it’s shown us?”

She said this like a question, and it got me thinking about the traits I shared with my brother. We were identical mirror image twins, but so incredibly different. My brother had been unafraid to go after what he wanted, I didn’t even know what I wanted out of life yet, but looking up at the moon, I imagined it showing me a little of the path forward.

I tried to see where my path had started, but that part of it was lost to the clouds and the movements of the stars.

Chapter Seventeen – The Star

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot

We ate almost every day the Ottawa Mission.

Sunshine and I would go there to eat lunch and dinner. “The food is amazing,” he said. “It’s like its food being cooked by your mom. It’s that good. They let you leave with sandwiches and sometimes some soup. Every Wednesday, you can go and take three pieces of clothing from the warehouse in the back, and you can take as many books as you like.”

He said this with a smile because he knew that books were where I found my peace as much as tarot cards were where I found my wisdom.

I just remember the crowd of people waiting to get in the first time we went. Everyone was pleasant and even neighbourly. These were people I would have turned away from in my previous life and now I was one of them.

I looked at the cross that sat above the door of the Mission. Normally, the cross would have made me turn away. The cross was one of the symbols from my past that still didn’t sit well with me. The people that found comfort sitting under the cross didn’t make room or give tolerance to people like me. To me, the cross symbolized hatred.

However, there was no hatred here. The crowd held all kinds of people from all walks of life: teenagers like me, mothers with their children, men talking in groups and sharing a moment of laughter or one last cigarette. The crowd of people waiting was full of those who were trying to find their way back to the life that they had come from or those who had made peace with where they were.

There was no malice in the crowd though it began to grow, spilling down the stairs and along the sidewalk. No one pushed each other and there was this soft murmur of conversation that sounded like music. The door opened and as I made my way up the stairs into the main hall of the Mission, I eyed the cross above me. Part of me tried to imagine it was a pair of arms, offering a welcoming embrace. I needed to feel more comfortable in this place and my walls were coming up.

When we got into hall, the music of people’s voices rose higher so that it was steady hum. I closed my eyes and found comfort in those voices, and it was like my body was being swayed along, carried by the music. I looked behind Sunshine and myself and saw a sea of people, all filled with song. The hall was filled with round wooden tables and Sunshine and I took a seat. We were soon joined by several others and all of them were kind. They asked where Sunshine and I grew up and one man’s face opened up as if it had been lit from inside when I told him that I had been born in Ottawa.

“Me too, son. We Ottawa born and bred are few and far between. Everyone here has come from somewhere. No one was content to stay where they were and went off looking for the great wonders of the world.” He tapped his nose. “You and I know the truth. Ottawa is full of magic, so why leave?” He smiled and he looked years younger, his eyes looking like jewels among the hills and valleys of his skin.

When we got in line to get food, I told the woman I only wanted a small amount, seeing the large crowd of people behind me that had still yet to be served. The volunteer that was serving food gave me a smile as if she had known my thoughts. “Don’t you worry about anyone else at the moment. Here, I’ll give you a full plate, you need to eat.” I thanked her and tried to stop my cheeks from blushing.

The food was as good as Sunshine had promised and I was even able to go up for seconds. As we were leaving, someone offered us food to take home like sandwiches and soup; there was even someone offering essentials like deodorant and toothpaste. I felt guilty for taking these things, but Sunshine had no such qualms. He took a wrapped sandwich and cup of soup for me, so I accepted the deodorant and toothpaste. It felt like I had been offered a meal filled with hope and kindness and my whole body felt more alive than it had in a long time.

As we made our way from the Mission, I looked back at the door with the cross above it. If I squinted my eyes a little, it looked more like a star than a cross, a beacon of hope for all those that needed it, even me. I had to start believing that I was worthy of the kindness that other people showed me, even if it did make me feel uncomfortable.

I let Sunshine hook his arm in mine as we made our way back home, feeling for the first time in a long time that I was going to be okay.  

Chapter Sixteen – The Tower

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide

When I saw her, my first thought was of fire.

She had spiky red and gold hair, brown eyes and a smattering of freckles across her cheeks. She was always smiling, and I wondered how a person could be a never ending source of light instead of puzzle or some kind of maze. I wasn’t used to that. Everyone was a kind of puzzle if you thought about it; you had to figure your way through what they held dear and see if resembled yours. It took years to know a person completely.

Renee wasn’t like that. She loved everyone equally and it didn’t matter who they were. Even if you chose to live outside and shunned the shelters, she loved you. If you had an issue with drugs, that didn’t matter. She always talked to you like you mattered.

She saw everyone.

I knew that I always lit up when I saw her as I began to run into her with more frequency. I didn’t know much about where she had come from and how she had ended up on the streets, but from the moment I ran into her in the YSB, it was like were drawn to each other.

I was a moth to a flame when I saw her.

All of my walls would come down. It wasn’t a question of hiding anything or observing their actions so I knew if I could trust them. There was none of that. I was instantly open  with her as there wasn’t even an iota of fear. I had only met one other person like that in my life up to that point. Those kinds of people are rare in life.

To say I was enraptured would be an understatement.

“Honey, you sound like you’re in love with her.” Sunshine said. He had just read a page of one of his journals and had asked me what happened during my day. I had spent the last five minutes talking about everything that Renee and I had done that day.

“Yeah, like I love you,” I told him. “Like we’re friends.”

“Do you ever mention to other people how my hair looks when the sun hits it just right?” He asked, giving me a wide grin.

“No, I tell them how awesome you are.”

“I know you do, what’s not to love. But you’re talking like you are in love with her.”

“That’s not possible, I’m gay.” I told him. I sat there looking at him, a new blanket I had gotten draped around my shoulders. I had picked it up at the Mission earlier and I pulled it closer around me despite the relative heat of the evening.

I thought of everything that I had given up to be gay, all that I had left behind to finally claim who I really truly was. I had struggled so much to be true to who I was. I had tried committing suicide twice in my teens, I had survived an abusive homelife and I overcome the mountain of high school, the ledge that should have been a place of safety that would help me see my path in the future but instead was a place of judgement, hatred and isolation.

I had survived everything to be what I was. It had been a secret for so long that finally owing up to the truth of who I was often felt like a waterfall that had been in front of me all this time had finally parted to let me through so that I could see what was on the other side.

“There are all kinds of love, Jamie. You love who you love, it’s your business.” He gave my hand a rub and lit a cigarette. He took a drag and passed it to me. “It doesn’t mean you have to sleep with her, but you can get as close as you want to. There’s no judgement. The normal rules don’t apply here.”

I passed him back the cigarette and when I let the smoke go free from my mouth, I let the blanket loosen around me. Sunshine had gone back to writing and I pulled out my tarot cards to figure out what I should do. I shuffled pulled out the Tower and the Seven of Pentacles. I looked within the guidebook and tried to determine what my future would bring.

Chapter Fifteen – The Devil

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot

You formed a lot of connections on the streets.

Its like anywhere, really. There are people in your life that are good for you, people that lift you up. There are also those that would take you down and try to keep you there. You had to watch yourself around those people. It didn’t matter where you were, there were always those that would try to hold you back.

However, there were other people that always had your back, the connection between you was more than friends; you were family.

It was like that with Sunshine.

His mother Sarah kept hinting that Sunshine and I should start dating, that we would make a cute couple. There were a lot of others that thought he and I were dating. I can honestly say that the thought never really crossed my mind. I didn’t think of him that way and he didn’t see me as a romantic prospect either. Yet, I loved him as if we were dating. He was my ride and die. Whether we were out together, or with a bunch of other family, he had become my touchstone. Sunshine filled my life with light. He lit up the lives of so many others around him. It was his way, and I was honoured to be part of his life. It was as simple as that.

Other connections weren’t as simple. We sat in our room, smoking and talking. Or rather, Sunshine talked with his new romantic interest. Shale had neon blue hair and pale skin and there was something exotic about him. He looked out at the world with an open curiosity. Right now, that curiosity was focused on Rainbow. They sat together in the window, and I watched the smoke from their cigarettes floating out into the night air. I wondered if the smoke contained their emotions or the words that remained unspoken between them. I could feel the palpable desire between the two of them. I felt like I was in the middle of something, even though I wasn’t sitting anywhere near them. I could see the connection between Sunshine and I, but I could see the new connection between Shale and him. It shone brighter than the stars in the night sky.

I excused myself quietly and went into the living room to sit and write, read, anything to distract myself from what was going on in the other room. Sunshine always opened his arms wide welcoming anyone into his bubble. I had the opposite problem.

Dan and Mike came into the kitchen looking for food. Dan was shirtless and there was a tattoo of a star on one of his elbows. “Why are you out here?”

Their cat Squeak came into the living room and when she saw me she gave a happy meow and got up on the couch and onto my lap. “Sunshine has company,” I told them.

            “I see! At least he’s being quiet this time.” Dan said. Then they heard a loud moan coming from Sunshine’s bedroom. “I spoke too soon.”

I looked at the connection that shone between the two of them. There was even a thin, sparkling chain that connected the three of us though they couldn’t bee it. It shone softly in the half light of the apartment.

“Want to see something naughty?” Mike said. “Come on.”

“What, you want to watch him again?” Dan said. “You know that he knows we’re watching.”

The cockroaches skuttled away from his with soft clicking as we made our way into the kitchen. “Come here,” Mike said. “Get a good view.” He motioned me to the window that we had in the kitchen. I went and stood between Mike and Dan and they guided my eyes to an apartment across the alleyway.

We could all see the man lying naked in his bed. I could see the glow of the television on his body and watched as he played with his hard cock. He was well built and hairy and gorgeous to take in. I looked in shock at Mike and Dan.

“Does he do this a lot?” I asked.

“Almost every night since we moved here.”

The man across the way gave us all a quick look as if he could hear us whispering. The man gave us a wink and began to stroke himself. He knew he had an audience now and he was enjoying the show. I wondered what it would be like to be free enough to show myself in such a way instead of holding myself together so tightly.

As the man in the room across the alleyway worked himself towards finishing up, Mike moved closer to Dan and Dan put his arm around my shoulder. We stood there looking at someone in the throws of pleasure, a thin chain stretching across the alleyway to man who lay naked on his bed, all connected in that moment of carnal lust.

The air was alive with heat and the promise of something more. I could feel Squeak rubbing at my legs and I picked her up, knowing that I was connected to her at that moment, too. I listened to the moans coming from the bedroom closest to us and the bedroom across the alleyway and it sounded like some kind of beautiful music of lust and longing.

I lay there on the living room couch afterwards, filled with both.

Chapter Thirteen – Death

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot

We spent our days in the square.

It was where we gathered when we had nothing to do and wanted to be with others but still have the freedom to be outside. There was a Coffee Revolution on one side with a large patio and on the other side, there was a Scotiabank. There were other little stores too, but we stayed away from those stores. We felt comfortable more out in the open areas. I know that I felt safer among a group of people than I did sleeping in the shelters. I had stayed at the Ottawa Mission before, and I had felt like I was out there for the world to gawk at.

When I had stayed at the Ottawa Mission, I’d had a clean room with four walls and a small window, a simple bed with clean sheets and a blanket. It is a place for healing, but when you come out of there, people look at you differently. Your story is visible for everyone to see, and you don’t belong to anyone.

Among the people here, I was among my family. Sunshine and the people I knew here had become part of me in some way. I was surprised by how quickly you could form a bond with someone. All you had here was your word and your reputation. As long as I was honest about who I was and treated people kindly until they gave me a reason not to, I could be part of this family. It was that simple to have a family and I had never experienced anything like it. In my biological and extended families, there were lies, memories held onto for too long, jealousy and pain caused by other people. There were shadows with the occasional moment of light. There were promises that were broken time and time again.

With the people here on the streets, we supported one another, and we fought for each other. These were my brothers and sisters, and this surprised me. To be accepted for who I was and the fact that people wanted to know me was mind-blowingly amazing. It felt wonderful not to justify who I was and talk about what had brought me here. I simple was.

At the end of the day, we would go back to wherever we had found to sleep and rest our heads, but during the day, we always found each other. It was like there was a homing beacon that led us together.

I remember sitting in the square one day with my family, the sun bright on my face and in my eyes. I turned to look away from the suns rays and found myself looking at my mother. She was walking with a friend and looked just as shocked to see me as I was to see her. I hadn’t thought I’d ever see my mother here, but I knew that she often went out on Friday nights of went shopping on the weekends. Still, it I had never thought that I would see her here, or rather that I couldn’t comprehend the sudden clash of my two worlds: where I had been and where I was now.

My mother did not slow down when she saw me. She continued talking to her friend and kept walking. Her eyes looked at me though and I tried to hear what my mother was saying without the power of words. I felt an ocean stretch between us, each of us on our own island and unable to touch each other. I watched the current take my mother away from me and into the waves.

I sat there stunned, my head filled only with the sound of waves and the scrape of metal and steel when the waves hit the rocks around me. I tried to think of what she could have done, what kind of life receiver she could have thrown me, and my brain came up completely empty except for the sound of the waves hitting the rocks with furious abandonment. I knew at that moment that if I didn’t give up an offering of some kind, the wave would take me, too.

Closing my eyes, I tried to delve into the wires, skin and light. It took me a while to find it, but it was still pristine. It was the mind garden that I carried with me, the plants the result of everything I had planted.

Around me, my family carried on and I could hear the gentle sounds of their voices, but I was still within myself. I knew what I had to give to the waters, what I could freely give them in order the calm the waters within me. I didn’t want to break, not now, not after all this time. My mother told me that I would have to learn to do everything by myself, that nobody else would be able to do it for me.

Up until quite recently, my mother had been the one who had helped me and made me realize that anything I wanted to do was possible, despite being disabled. She had helped me to realize that even though I had difficulties I had to fight against every day, I could fight the battle. Even better, I could win.

I just didn’t realize that when my mother had said that I would have to do everything by myself and nobody else was going to help me, she was also talking about herself.

I reached down and gently plucked the Lily-of-the-Valley. Its petals were a wonder of blue, a few different shades so that the petals were made of water. The petals had reminded me of sapphires, and they always shone like beacons in the dark when I got lost for too long among my plants.

I went to the small pond in the centre of my mind and placed the lily within the water. The hiss of the waves and the strong screech of metal stopped. I wondered where the currents would take the lily. I knew only that by the time I saw it again, I might be ready to see my mother again.