Tag: A Sort of Tarot Guide

Chapter Sixty-Six – Four of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in Uncategorized

With my resume out into the world, there was nothing I could do but wait.

I looked at every job board I could for work. Darnelle had given me a copy of my resume on a USB key so that I would have it with me at all times should I have need of it. I didn’t have a computer of my own, but with Darnelle’s help, I had uploaded it to several job banks. I still had my pager, so I used that as my main number, but she had also told me to put her phone number on the resume as well.

“I can take message for you and then you won’t miss anything.”

“Why are you being so good to me?” I said without thinking.

She gave me a smack with her eyes. “Because you deserve it, that’s why. I keep telling you that. I know you have to question everything to determine if the person is being sincere. I get that’s it’s a protection thing, but please just let me help you because I want to.”

“Okay,” I told her. Darnelle always was able to see into the heart of a matter and speak it plainly. There was no keeping anything from her. It wasn’t that she saw through a person. She helped a person find words for what they were feeling. I had seen her do it with Lisa and her son.

With her help, that flame that had begun with a spark of a decision I had made when I was with Franis had become a small flame.  It was the flame of hope. With each passing day, it was becoming more difficult to keep that flame alight.

I didn’t realize how long I would have to wait. I had hoped that this new part of my life would start quickly, but I knew that things would happen in their own time. I still didn’t like waiting. I had prepared myself mentally to get going, to move, for something to happen and now I had to wait. I had difficulty with being patient, especially when I was desperate for change to happen right away.

I asked my cards what I had to be ready for. I drew cards whenever I wanted guidance, my cards always nearby, but I kept drawing the Four of Disks from my deck and it was beginning to frustrate me. I knew that I kept drawing the same card because spirit wanted me to focus. I hadn’t learned what I was supposed to lean yet. My spirit was asking me to honour the rest between the spark and the want. It was enough for me to hold onto the idea, but I had to be patient while spirit worked on my wish. I had learned that magic was sixty percent intent, ten percent hope and thirty percent patience. I had little to no patience and hated that I was being asked to put my faith in time.

I wanted to move and welcome change, I was ready. I wondered if it was because change wasn’t ready for me. In the card, a man stands in an open field in front of a bird. They are standing in a stalemate; the bird is looking at the man, and the man is looking beyond the bird. He is ignoring the wisdom of stillness and waiting to see what the future would bring.

I felt like this, too. My roll of foam was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. It was like my body had decided that it wanted more. It dreamed of comfort. It had been so long since I had slept in a bed. My mind and spirit wanted the same and it was unusual for my body, mind and spirit to want the same thing.

There was the added problem that I felt guilty about hiding everything from Lisa. She had no idea that I had written up a resume and that Darnelle had helped me send them out. I kept telling myself that I wasn’t really keeping it a secret, but I knew that I was. Lisa wouldn’t be understanding of the fact that I was looking for work or that I had done it behind her back with Darnelle’s help. For all of Lisa’s talk of peace, love and light she was a true Warrior Witch and she would take down anyone that displeased her. I had seen her do it with others. She was always having a disagreement with someone about something. This was the first time that I had hidden something from her.

In the end, I knew that I was doing this for me. I wanted something different than what I had now and I knew that the only way to do it was to find work. I knew that I would find something, but I had no idea how long I would have to wait.

Outside on the back porch, I watched as the sky turned to dusk again. I could see the moths flocking near the brightness of the backyard light and felt the change in the wind as it shifted around me. I watched the smoke being pulled out of my cigarette. With every drag of smoke I took, I filled it with my wish so that when the wind pulled the smoke from my open mouth, it would taken my wish out into the air.

I hated waiting, but I also knew that I had to let the healing take its time. I took another breath and released the smoke out into the ether.

Chapter Sixty-Five – Three of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Personal Growth, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

When I arrived at her home, Darnelle had all sort of things laid out on her dining room table. She poured me a mug of tea and laid out milk and sugar on the table. The cups looked funny among all the magical paraphernalia. I was immediately put at ease when I took my first sip. I saw Darnelle smile at me.

“Never underestimate the healing powers of tea. It reminds us to spare a few moments for ourselves, at least while the tea is hot. Tea helps us to stop, breathe and practice patience.”

“How does tea give us patience?” I asked her.

“Because young and old, we wait for that tea to cool slightly so that we can drink it. It’s kind of like magic. We’re afraid until we delve into the pool beyond our ankles, but then when the water is supporting our weight, we let go and wait for joy.”  She lit a cigarette. “Here, let’s do your Medicine cards and find out who your guides are.”

Pulling the deck towards her, she put down her cigarette in the ashtray and handed me the deck of cards. “You need to shuffle these until you feel like you are done, just like the Tarot cards you love.”

It felt odd to be holding a deck of cards without having a question to guide me. While I was shuffling, I thought to myself ‘Who is willing to guide me?’. It felt better to give the shuffling some direction. I closed my eyes and tried to clear my mind of nothing else but the question so that it would take up room in the dark. I could feel a card fly free from the deck. I opened my eyes and put the deck on the table.

Darnelle held up the card that flew out of the deck. “Looks like the Wolf if your guide.” She let out a bark of laughter as she set the card down in front of me. “Well, you already chose them.” I knew that she was referring to the fact that I had changed my name when I was eighteen so that I would no longer carry my fathers name as my middle name and family name. I had chosen the name Wolf as my middle name. I always had a fascination with them and the wisdom that they carried. I liked that they were part of a pack to survive but would go out alone if they needed to. I had a pack of people that I loved and could be the lone Wolf if I needed to be.

She lit another cigarette and took a sip of her tea. “Spread the deck around in front of you and slide your hand overtop of the pile. Stop when you feel a card pull you.”

I did so, familiar with this being a way to look for a Tarot card, too. I used my left hand. I was right-handed and I had learned that the dominant hand rids you of the energy that you don’t want and the non-dominant hand brings in the energy you do want. I ran my hands over the blue backs of the cards, the yellow lighting bolt design looking as if it would point me in the right direction.

Stopping when I felt a tingle in the palm of my hand, I plucked the single card from the pile and held it up. It was the Crow card. Darnelle smiled at me.

“That’s so profound. Did you know that the Crow is one of the only animal spirits that can go to the land of the dead and cross back over the border of the world of the living? They are harbingers of magic and they tell stories. When they speak, you need to listen. Much like you’re a writer and you have seen so many shadows in your life. The Crow will show you the right way for you.”

I took a sip of tea and looked at the Wolf and Crow cards. “Don’t thing come in threes?”

Nodding, Darnelle smiled. “Yes, but in this case, they are your guides and you have to work together to get to where you need to go. You have to work together, the three of you, to achieve your goals. They are with you to show you the way as best as they can, but you have to find the way yourself. Does that make sense? The three of you have to work in tandem to create what is possible.”

I nodded, because that made sense to me. It was nice to know that even though I was asking magic for help, I was still in control of my life. The Wolf and the Crow would help guide me, but I knew that I had a lot of work ahead of me. “Thank you,” I told her.

“Okay, now that we have your guides, we have to work on your resume.” She got up to pour some more hot water for our cups of tea and lit a cigarette. “You need to tell me about all your skills and the jobs you’ve done before your time on the streets, before you ended up at Lisa’s. Do you remember everything?” She handed me a pad of paper and a pen. “I’ll help you make a new resume. It’s something I’ve helped a lot of people within my line of work. We got this, okay?”

I looked at the blank page in front of me, and I knew that my guides, I knew that I would find my way to where I was supposed to go. The page in front of me was asking me to create the direction I wanted to go in. I was being asked to really focus on myself for once. I took a deep breath.

“Okay,” I said.

Chapter Sixty-Four – Two of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

I had big dreams, but I had no idea how to go about them.

It had been so long since I held a job. The last one had been during university, and I’d held a volunteer job a couple of summers before. I knew that the easiest way out of my current situation was to find a job.

For the past couple of years, I had only been concerned with obtaining food for my stomach and a roof over my head. That had been what drove me and it had been my only concern, aside from finding my way. I was fortunate enough to have met some everyday angels along the way. Lisa was one of them. She had taken me into her home and given me houseroom. Albeit on her floor, but still, she fed me out of the food supplies that we all got at the food bank down the street from her place. Could I betray her kindness?

I was constantly going back and forth about this. Darnelle noticed on one of her visits that I wasn’t myself. She waited until Lisa had gone back inside to get a fresh pack of cigarettes and more coffee to ask me what was wrong.

“What’s bothering you, kid?” she asked

“Nothing,” I told her, wanting to keep it to myself.

“See, that’s where you’re wrong. You can’t bullshit a bullshitter, Jamieson. I can see right into you, and I know there is something bothering you. My son is the same way” She handed me a cigarette. “How about a trade? I give you a cigarette and you can tell me what’s bothering you.”

“You don’t need to bribe me. You and I both know that I’ll tell you eventually.”

“Sure, but this way it’s an exchange so it’s a balance. I know what it’s like to hold on to everything and have no one to tell.”

I shook my head. “I don’t want to bother you.”

She let out a laugh and lit the cigarette before passing it to me. “Tough. You have to change, Jamieson. You just can’t accept that people want to care about you so you do what they can to keep them out before something can happen.”

“Wow, that’s quite the mom talk.” I said with a laugh.

“Right? It doesn’t work on my son; I thought I’d try it on you.” Taking a sip of coffee, she pointed at me with her cigarette. “Go on, spill. I know you want to hold on, but it will feel better letting go. Go on, before she gets back.”

I took a deep breath. I didn’t want to mince words and she was right. I needed to change my habits. I had to be able to adapt to a new path if I went looking for one. I needed to start somewhere.  “I want more.” It felt like a release saying the words out loud. “I want more than this. I want my own place.” I took a drag of my cigarette to give me strength. When I blew the out the air I held, I could see the words that I was about to speak in the within the smoke. “I want more. I know that I need a job, but I have no idea about how to go about applying for one. I had planned on waiting until Lisa had her baby, but it’s becoming harder and harder to hold on to that light. Literally, as I’m sleeping on the fucking floor.”

There was a moment of silence between us, then Darnelle let out a laugh and stood to hug me tightly, careful of our cigarettes. “I am so happy. You make me so fucking happy, Jamieson. Thank the gods.”

I had expected shock but had not been prepared for the sheer joy. “You’re not upset?”

“Jamieson, you’re so young. It pained me to see you throwing your life away like Lisa has.” She saw the look of shock on my face. “Don’t misunderstand me, I love Lisa, she’s my friend and I’ve known her for a long time, but she gave up trying a long time ago. She’s content to stay on welfare when she is perfectly capable of working. She just doesn’t want to.”

“I don’t feel young. How am I supposed to find a job that I can do? I haven’t worked since university.”

“You and I will work on this. Come to my place tomorrow and we can work on your resume. I can make anyone sound good on paper and you can sell yourself, too. You’re good at talking to people, Jamieson, even if you have difficulty letting people in. You’re a gifted writer, too. You’re wasted here.” She gave me a strong look and looking into her eyes, I wondered how her son could deny her anything.

“Won’t Lisa be upset that I’m trying to better myself?” One of her constant refrains was the grind of the people, working for the man instead of living for the sake of living.

Darnelle waved a hand. “Who the fuck cares what she thinks. This is about you. You have to choose this for you.

Looking at Dar, I knew that I would make that choice. We both heard the sound of Lisa’s voice. She came out, carrying a cup of coffee in one hand, a pack of cigarettes in the other with a lit cigarette in her lips

Giving me a look, Lisa said “What’s about you? Did you write another story?”

“I’m going to give Jamieson help.” Darnelle said slowly. I could tell that she was choosing her words carefully. “He needs to work on his resume, and I wanted do some spirit work with him, introduce him to the Medicine Wheel Cards.” I hoped that Lisa would focus on the Medicine Wheel Cards and that she had not heard the other words.

“Resume? For what?”

I sighted. There were two ways that I could play this. I knew that I could lie to her, but Lisa had given me room in her home and food from her cupboards. I owed her the truth. I had planned to keep it a secret but changed my mind. “For a job.” I told her. “I want to find a job.”

She looked at me with wide shocked eyes for a moment. Then she let out a loud laugh. “Good one! Who would want to hire you?” She grinned at me as if she had made a big joke, but I knew that she had spoken her truth.

I looked at her and felt the earth begin to shake and crack beneath me, throwing me off balance. Lisa didn’t see or feel anything, but Dar and I looked at each other. I knew that she could see the shift within me.

I turned to Dar. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” I said with conviction.

Chapter Sixty-Three – Ace of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

The wind smelled of promise.

I could smell the earth in the breeze, the scent of grass and manure as we drove by a farm. Lisa and I rode home to Ottawa with Sophie, Fox and Jenn and it felt great to be part of a group that had through such a major shift. I know that I wasn’t the only one who felt changed by the week we had spent on the island.

“It is like this every time?” I asked Lisa.

She nodded. “We all come away learning something new about ourselves. I often find that after Kaleidoscope, I always end up finding myself on some journey that I wasn’t expecting, only because I was shown the way.”

“My only advice,” Sophie said, speaking up. “Is to follow it. You never know where it will take you and what you will learn.”

“I thought the spiritual shift was supposed to happen at Kaleidoscope.” I tried to keep the doubt out of my voice. I was beginning to realize that magic had a way about itself that always kept me guessing. I wondered if that was part of allure to magic, trying to make sense out of the unsensible.

I stuck my hand out of the window and let it fly along on the breeze. I wondered what journey I was heading towards and where my spirit would ty to take me. I could smell the earth again and wondered what seeds I wanted to grow for myself. I kept coming back to the face that though I was thankful for a space in Lisa’s home, I still wanted more. I pictured myself planting seeds in the soil that we drove by so that by the time we were home, they would begin to grow, having a home of my own, a place where I could lock the door and feel that it was mine. I had never had that. I had not felt at home when I lived with my father and stepmother and towards the end, I hadn’t been welcomed in my mother and stepfather’s place. At University, I had been a fish out of water, and I didn’t know how to swim or catch my breath. I had come out of the closet at university and didn’t know what home was, let alone who I was. There had been little aside from the friends I had known that had felt like home. I didn’t have to think very long about what I would wish for.  

I’d love a home of my own. I said this to myself as I held my hand outside the window. I closed my fingers in a lose fist and when I relaxed my fingers, I could see seeds glowing within my palm. Relaxing my hand, I let go of the seed, the sunlight hitting them for a moment before they disappeared.

There had to be more than living on someone’s floor. I was tired of my roll of foam, even though it had been through a lot with me. That wish that I’d had back when I was with Francis flared to life again. I wanted more. I wanted a home for myself, a space where I could have my own furniture, a kitchen where I could make food. I wanted a bed.

I’d love a home of my own. I said this to myself again. I had learned that repetition was manifestation and that manifestation was magic. I had to believe that it would happen, I had to want it beyond anything else. I had filled each of those seeds and planted them in the ground, their light shining like stars from beneath the soil.

As we drove on towards Lisa’s, I imagined that every seed I had planted would dig underground and trace a path towards me so that the roots they could show me the way that I was supposed to go. I pictured the ground underneath us filling with thousands of white and green roots, slithering through the dark earth to find purchase on the rocks within the soil. I had to believe that my wish come true. I was filled with magic after the past week, and I had to believe that I could achieve this. I had to believe that I was worth it.

I ignored all the voices within myself that told me I wasn’t worth it or that I didn’t deserve having a home. I pushed aside every worry. I would worry later. Now, I just gave myself over to the wish, the smell of sunlight on the air and the car filled with the sounds of joy and wonderment.

I’d love a home of my own.

Chapter Sixty-Two – King of Swords

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life

I was once again by the fire.

This was one of the last nights at the Kaleidoscope gathering. I had attended more rituals and gotten to know so many people, more than I thought that my world could hold. As I sat there watching the fire, a thought occurred to me. I knew why I had been holding myself back. I had assumed that everyone would hate me after what had happened with Francis. He was an elder in the Ottawa Pagan community. I had thought that when he had ended things, my connection to this world would also be over.

I had felt like an imposter here, as if people were staring at me all the time. Over the week that I’d been living on this small island, I had come to realize that people weren’t staring at me, but genuinely happy to see me. I had put myself in kind of a self-exile. I had placed so much value on what Francis thought of me that I had thought that the magic would be gone when he left.

I hadn’t realized that it was just beginning.

The fire was bright as the sky began to darken. We were all around the fire, waiting for the darkness so that we could be truly free from our bodies and minds so that we could let our spirits dance freely. It was as I was looking for the stars that I saw him.

Francis had come to the circle.

I had spent almost the whole week without seeing him. The sight of him was enough to make my heart stop, but only for a moment. A million word ran through my head, speeches that I thought I would say to him if I ever saw him again, conversations that I had imagined, the words as real as if they had truly happened. Scenes that I had imagined went through my mind, bringing up all the thoughts that I had been carrying within me. I wanted to rage at him, scream at him for the weight he had left me with. I was angry with the fierceness of young love when it is still bright and true.

When a spark from the fire landed near my foot, I had an idea.

I got up from the log I was sitting on and instead of heading towards Francis so that we could have one of the conversations that I had imagined in my mind, I turned towards the fire. I had left my things safely hidden in my tent, so I didn’t have my journal with me. Instead, I turned to face the fire, and I plucked what I had wanted to say to him out of my mind, imagining the words writing themselves in a loopy cursive script:

I will always be hurt by what you have done to me.

You have shaped what I think of men.

You showed me that love hurts more than it helps.

You took everything and it still wasn’t good enough.

I will never be able to love again.

One by one, I plucked those phrases from my mind, the pieces of paper brown with age, and tossed them in the fire so that they were no longer true. With each scrap of paper I threw into the fire, I reclaimed a little more of myself each time, gathering up the light and leaving the shadow on the page. As the flames took the words, my mind became clearer as I watched each piece turn to smoke.

When I turned back, Francis was gone.

The fire was so bright when the darkness finally came that I was blinded for a moment. All I could see were shadows dancing with the flames and hear the call of the drum song. I let the music pull me forward and the fire pull me inward. I let go and danced, gave up any reason that was left in my mind and lost myself to magic.

I was free.