Category: Tarot

Chapter Seventy – Eight of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

It felt odd to be working towards something again.

My brain kept trying to interject and tell me that what I was doing was not work, but my body was so happy to be active again, even if it was just so that I could sit and take money from men who wanted to watch strippers dance for them. As Rhonda had told me before, we all had to start somewhere.

“I don’t know why you’re bothering,” Lisa said. “We get free money every month. Why do you want to work?”

“I just want something to do,”

Lisa shook her head. “What could be better than sitting with me and reading?” She told me. “You be careful around Rhonda, I don’t trust her.”

I didn’t share with Lisa how Rhonda felt about her, nor did I tell her that I needed a break from her. I didn’t want to fight and that would be the only outcome. Trying to balance the relationships I had with people with trying to find balance withing myself was getting to be a lot of work. I was trying not to upset Lisa and at the same time, trying to establish something good for myself. I loved her, I just needed more for me.

Lisa let out a puff of smoke as I continued getting ready for work. “You just think you’re better than the rest of us, that’s all.” She waved her hand. “Not that I blame you. I mean, look at Francis, he thought he was than better than you and that’s why he dumped you.”

I chose not to respond to that comment. I knew that her words weren’t true and that Francis had loved me in his way. I slung my bag over my shoulder. I was wearing a pair of sparkly jean shorts that I had found at the mission and a white mesh tank top. I figured that I would get more tips as a door boy that way.

“Why do you dress like that?” Lisa asked. “I can see your nipples.”

I shrugged. “A lot of men there like looking at my nipples. I’ll be back later.”

She gave me a little wave, and I could not help viewing it as a dismissal. We had had words earlier about her smoking while pregnant. She was almost due. It would be any day now. She had been a little pissy with me afterwards. I knew that some friendships were a lot of work, but she was becoming even more work than usual.

“I read your latest story by the way. It wasn’t as good as your others. You can do better.”

I let out a sigh, grabbed my coat and left. I knew that she was being cruel because my view on her smoking while pregnant had hurt her, but trying to crush my spirit when I was really just beginning to find my own spirit was a low blow. I chose to walk out instead of confronting her. It was easier that way. She often found a way to be right, even when she was in the wrong.

On the walk to Frankies, I just reminded myself of the work that I had done to get to where I was. It wasn’t what I had thought I would end up doing with my life. I’d had plans as a kid in high school to teach drama and act on the stage or screen, becoming a playwright at the same time. I wasn’t living that dream, but I was living this one instead.

 I had come to realize that my road was only just beginning. I had gotten this far and there would be more work to do, but that would come in time. I knew that I was on the right path because I had chosen it for myself. I didn’t want to be afraid anymore.

When I arrived at Frankies, Jake was there to greet me when I entered. “One of the dancers was asking for you. He needs the crotch of his underwear checked before he goes on stage. Don’t want his dick showing before anyone has to pay. You don’t have to touch it, but let me know if can see his cock at all.” He said. “One of the drag queens, too. You’re in demand this evening.” He winked at me and I could feel my cheeks blush, the redness spreading across my face.

“It’s nice to be wanted,” I said. I made my way up the stairs to the second floor to find a drag queen waiting for me at my station. Mizti was fairly new at drag and she totally rocked it. We had bonded one night when she had come up to my floor trying to promote the drag show that was going on at the bottom level. We had become fast friends even though we only saw each other on the nights that I worked.

“Honey, does my makeup look okay?”

She was wearing a blond wig and had done her eyes all exaggerated. They made her look like she was a Japanese animation character, and she had done her lips to match, all big and red. She made a kissy face at me and I laughed.

“Your makeup looks wonderful, very saucy.” I said shyly. I adjusted her wig and gave her the go ahead. “I don’t know why you come to me for my opinion on makeup anyways.”

“Honey, you always tell it like it is. That’s a rare find and it can be so much work to speak and worry about hurting someone else’s feelings. You manage to speak your mind. You tell it like it is, AND you’re a gentleman doing it. Plus, Honey!” She motioned at my outfit and made a gesture at my face. I had applied smoky eye shadow in blues and greys. “You look amazing.”

I sat on my stool and counted out my float for the night. “You’re just saying that.”

She gave me a sour look. “No, I’m not. I mean look at you. The men will be tipping you well tonight, I mean look at those nipples! Look at your hips! I’d kill for hips like that.” She waved a hand with red talonlike nails. “I kid. I wouldn’t want to end up in prison; I’d look horrible in orange.” She let out a sigh and snapped her fingers in front of my face. I looked up from my float. “Good, you’re paying attention. I like when men do that. It’s easier to drop the mic if someone is listening.”

Letting out a chuckle, I put the money back in the till. “Okay, I’m listening. You have my full attention.”

“Good, that’s how I like it. Now listen here. Stop looking to other people for your own self worth.”

“I don’t do that.”

“Yes, you do. You work so hard at holding yourself so rigidly in hopes that, when someone actually notices you, you act like it’s some kind of fucking miracle. Then you keep trying to be what others find attractive. That’s too much work honey. You need to love your body, it’s the only one you will ever have. You can’t wait for other people to love you. You need to love yourself; do you hear what I’m saying?”

I nodded because I did hear her. I knew that there were many different ways that I could see myself and she was right. I tried to be what everyone wanted instead of listening to what I wanted.

“I do, and I’ll try. I promise.”

“Better not be pie crust promise, honey. You are amazing and your whole life is ahead of you. How about we celebrate your newfound resolve by having a drink. I’ll get you a screwdriver. You like those right? They’ll go with my outfit at any rate.” She had dressed in a flowing yellow dress that hugged all of her curves and fell to the floor in a pool of sunlight. She walked away from my station, her high heels clicking on the floor.

A couple of guys came stood in front of me, holding out five-dollar bills so that they could enter to watch the dancers. One of them was wearing a shirt that said “Fellatio is not an opera.” I had no idea what that meant. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you waiting. What’s fellatio?” I asked.

The man dropped a five in my till and another five in my tip jar. He got down on his knees and placed himself between my legs and ran his hands close to my crotch. I let out a laugh that surprised me. I was so nervous and yet, this sound of joy was able to leave my mouth. I was so thankful to this man. His blue eyes looked up at me with thirst, and he gave me a roguish smile.

“Have a good night, boys.” I told them. The music was loud and the air was warm and this man had given me a gift, and I had no words to tell him so.

He stood up, planted a small kiss on my cheek and went into the other room to enjoy the boys.

Chapter Sixty-Nine – Seven of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

I began to go to Frankies with Rhonda a lot.

The place became a home away from Lisa’s. Time spent there discovering myself and who I was. I found myself in allowing myself to have some kind of pleasure, to dress as I wanted and to even feel attractive. Frankies provided me with time to see my life as I wanted it to be. It gave me space to think, to lose myself to the music of the dance floor Rhonda sometimes dancing nearby, or if I was lucky another man. It felt freeing to be away from Lisa. I tried not to think about that after what she had given me.

“Jamieson, that’s complete bullshit and you know it.” Rhonda said. We were outside of Frankies having a cigarette. The air was crisp with the scent of fall, and I knew that the leaves would start falling soon.

“It’s not,”

“It so is. You think that’s what you have been planting all this time? You have been wishing for a home, and you still feel guilty about hurting Lisa. You can’t do both. You need to think of yourself. You don’t do that enough.”

I shrugged. “I’ve always been told that thinking only of yourself is selfish.”

“Yeah, and who told you that?” She butted out her cigarette. “You’re fucking ex-boyfriends? Your family? I don’t see them here, do you?” She motioned around us. “Putting yourself first isn’t selfish, it’s self care.” At that moment, she looked at me and I could see the light shine brightly in her eyes. “I have an idea, come with me.”

“I’m not my cigarette yet.” I was being stubborn and I knew it. I took one last drag from the butt end and let the smoke out and dropped it to the pavement. I stepped on it with my high heeled boots. I was wearing a poet’s blouse in a light pink colour and a lose flowing broom skirt. It had once been black, but it had faded to a lovely shade of heather grey. I wore my black Doc Martin’s and thigh length black and white socks.

“Are you fucking done? We have places to go, come on.”

She took hold of my hand and headed downstairs towards the dance floor. I let her drag me with her and thought she was going to take us to the floor, but she took me to the darkness of the shadows towards a door that I hadn’t noticed before. It was under an exit sign, and I thought she was taking us to the back alley, but when she opened the door, I could see a hallway of black walls and a stone floor. It was lit by soft white light, and I had a moment of worry fill me.

Rhonda must have felt my hesitation and squeezed my hand. “It’s okay, we’re almost there.”

I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. I wondered where this would lead me and what seeds I was planting by going in this direction. Did I want whatever I would find at the end of this hallway? My boots clacked on the stone, and I pretended that it was music, joining with the beat that I could hear from the dance floor and I let the beat push me forward to whatever awaited me.

Stopping in front of a door that I hadn’t noticed before, she knocked on it and opened the door before anyone could answer. “Hey Mike, what’s up?”

An older man with a strong jaw and brilliant grey eyes stood from behind a desk. He held out his arms to Rhonda and wrapped her in a big hug. “What’s shaking hot stuff?”

“Not a heck of a lot for me, but I have a solution for you.”

“And what solution is that?” He sounded interested. Mike was not humouring her. Clearly, they had a good relationship and had known each other for a long time. He looked at her as if she were not four feet nothing, but a woman who had proven her worth to him.

“You need an everyday boy, and I’ve found one for you.”

His eyebrows raised and his eyes looked even brighter. “Him?” he motioned at me.

“Yeah, him. This is Jamieson.”

“You trust him?” He asked her.

“With my life.”

Then he looked at me. He gave me an up and down look so that he could take me all in. I had the feeling that I was being assessed, not judged. I held his gaze for as long as he stared at me and then he nodded as if he had made up his mind.

“Jamieson, my name is Mike. Me and my partner run this place. We need a guy to be the doorboy for the dancers. Maybe some nights, we need help cleaning the bar, especially the champagne rooms. Washing floors and the like. That sound okay to you? We’ll pay you under the table, twenty-five bucks to do the door for a few hours plus tips. Probably the same for cleaning.  Does that sound okay?”

I had never thought about getting any kind of job. I knew that I wanted to do something more than sitting around reading and eating bread with peanut butter. Magic and Pagan gatherings didn’t take up a lot of my time. I spent all my time with Lisa, and this job would give me something to do and somewhere to go that wasn’t her place.

“Of course,” I said. “Yes, it does. I’d like that.”

“We only have one rule that you have to follow. Ready for it?”

“Sure,”

“Have fun. Life is too short. Okay?”

I nodded and I shook the hand he held out. “Okay.”

“Good, I’m glad. Can you start this Thursday? Dancers are Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays.”

That was in a couple of days. “That sounds awesome!” I told him.

“I like that enthusiasm. You’ll fit in fine here.”

As we were leaving the bar, Rhonda took my hand. “There you go, honey. You’re all set. Now we just have to find you a new place to live. Don’t worry, though. I have ideas.”

We walked onward and I let go of her hand briefly so that I could light a cigarette. I took her hand again with my free one. “Why would you do that for me?” My words came out in puffs of smoke, and I was reminded momentarily of the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland. I tried to see if the words I wanted to say would come out in smoke. I watched as the smoke from my mouth fell to the ground to grace the pavement

She gave me an incredulous look. “Really? Don’t you get it? I’m trying to plan for your future. You’re not going to be on welfare forever you know, not like her. She may have decided that this is it for her, but I know that you’re capable of so much more.” We stopped walking so that she could light her own cigarette. “I have dreams and I want more than this. Don’t you? I want you to realize that it’s not wrong to dream. And you already know how I feel about how she treats you.”

She was angry and though I was used to her temper, I had never seen Rhonda like this. Tears appeared in her eyes, but they remained unshed. Her walls were down and she stood bare in front of me. This was the part of her that was planted beneath that tough bitch exterior, and I was honoured that she was showing herself to me like this.

 She blinked a few times and took a few deep breaths so that her mascara would be saved. “I mean, you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met and you’re so fucking nice. It pisses me off to see how she treats you, like you are forever the protégé, never the master, but you’re ten times the person she is, and you can’t see it.”

Butting out her cigarette, she took my shoulders in her hands. “I’m trying to do something for your future, Jamieson. You deserve so much more out of life than being someone else’s fucking lapdog. You’re capable of greatness and you can’t see it yet, but I can.”

“And working in a bar will lead me there?” I gave her a soft smile. I couldn’t describe what it was like to have someone believe in me this much.

She took my hand again and we were walking again. “It will get you out of her house and into the world again. You can’t hide forever. Sometimes, you have to step out of the nest and fly, honey.”

I looked down at my arms and wondered if I was capable of growing wings. I wondered what colour they would be. The wind picked up and I could hear the sound of music and the noises of traffic. The wind made the leaves around me rustle and I added the whisper of leaves to the music that I heard around me. I could hear my breath as I let smoke leave my lips and the beat of my heartbeat and the click of my footsteps and I wondered what was possible.

Chapter Sixty-Seven – Five of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

I had been spending a lot of time with a friend I had met a few weeks ago. I’d needed to get a break from Lisa as I thought about how to go about finding my way forward. It’s something I’ve never been very good at. When I make a decision, it’s time to move regardless of timing or circumstance.

When I met Rhonda, I knew right away that she was a spitfire and a flame. She didn’t take, but she burned so brightly. She lived life to her own drum and didn’t give two shits about what people thought about her. She carried her four feet nine-inch frame with grace and wasn’t afraid to sashay, when need be, on five-inch heels that she should actually walk in. I had tried once and fallen on my face.

Rhonda was part of the Pagan community. She had come to one of the Pagan brunches and made a beeline right for me. “You gotta play with the gays, honey,” she said, bumping my butt with hers.

She was a solitary witch and knew all about Lisa. Rhonda lived down the street from Lisa, and I would often see her as I walked around the neighbourhood. Lisa would pretend like she wasn’t there.

I would watch the two of them interacting at Pagan brunches and saw no love there between them though they hugged like everyone else did. I watched as they kept their bodies from touching each other when they embraced. The dislike was mutual and very apparent to everyone around them.

I had asked Lisa about the animosity that I saw between them and her eyes narrowed in dislike. “Stay away from her,” she said, pointing at me with her cigarette, the red cherry at the end of like a flaming period. I actually stepped back from her; I had never felt such a wave of dislike. “You don’t want to have anything to do with her, understand?”

Nodding, I bristled inwardly. I didn’t like anyone dictating to me what to feel. It wasn’t that I disliked it when someone offered genuine help or guidance, but I took offense at the directness of her telling me what to do. I did the only thing that felt right to me: I went to see Rhonda.

I had never walked away from Lisa, it felt like I was starting a new path for myself and I didn’t know what I was doing, but I knew what I wanted to do. Rhonda was waiting for me when I arrived at her building and went into the foyer. It was an old house that had been converted into apartments, just like Lisa’s house. I heard a door open above me and then Rhonda’s voice. “Come on up honey, the tea is steeping.”

I went up the stairs to the third floor and she was there, holding out her arms for an embrace and an air kiss. “Come on in. You’ve got something on your mind; I can see it, you know?”

I followed her inside and for a moment, it felt like I was making a deal with the darkness by venturing inside of her home. She was a complete opposite to Lisa who wore whatever she could get for free, so it was always a hodgepodge of styles and always spoke about embracing the light.  Rhonda was clothed in black leather, lace and fishnet stockings, make up and talked strongly about honouring the shadow as much as the light. It was fair to say that Rhonda fascinated me.

“Come, sit and be merry.” She passed me a cigarette and poured me a cup of tea. “Spill.”

I sat on her couch and my lap was immediately occupied by her fluffy grey cat Shadow. He purred up a storm and was head butting me for love and affection, so I gladly gave him some pets. I knew that pets could sense unease and upset and were known to be good healers. I pet Shadow’s fur and he purred louder when I gave him a scratch behind the ears.

“I think I need something different.”

“Of course you do. You’ve already thought a lot about it. I can tell you’re almost there. Let me here your thoughts.”

Rhonda was like this. I had watched her with others in the community. She helped others work through their shit, whether the other people wanted to or not. She could pull out a problem that the people she was trying to help weren’t even aware of. It was kind of creepy to a lot of other people how right Rhonda was, so she was often on her own. I didn’t feel that way about her and sought out her company.

It was why I had come to see her after all.

“I need a solution.”

“And what’s the problem?”

I shrugged. “I’m bored. I don’t want to sit around anymore. I need my own place and I want a bed. Am I being selfish?”

“Honey, no. You’ve been camping out on her floor for a long time now. I’m surprised you lasted as long as you did. It’s not wrong to want a fucking bed. I mean, at least you had a bed at the shelter. They had nothing else to give you, but at least you had a fucking bed.”

I nodded and held onto those words. “I mean, she has given me a home when I didn’t have one.”

“Honey, you sleep on her fucking floor like a dog. That’s not a home. It’s not wrong to want a space of your own. You need room to grow and you’re not going to grow when you’re planted there.”

I wiped away the tears when they came. “It feels like I’m betraying her by wanting something more.”

“You only want what you deserve. And it’s good that you’re fucking bored. I’d be bored as fuck all if I sat around reading books, playing Mario Kart and smoking cigarette’s all day.”

She put a hand on mine. “I know that it’s hard. You have come to realize that you want more. It’s not that you’ve outgrown the friendship, but you have outgrown the living situation. You’ve been holding yourself so tightly, Jamieson. You have to let yourself go a bit.”

I let out a watery laugh. “I’ve been working on it, I really have.”

She patted my hand and took a sip of her tea. “I know you have. You have dealt with so much hardship in your life that you’re thankful for any amount of kindness, even if it’s no longer kind to yourself.”

Lighting a cigarette, she looked for a moment as if a lightbulb had gone off in her eyes. “And I think I know just the thing to help. What are you doing tonight?”

I shook my head. “Nothing. Finishing my book, looking at the stars.”

Letting out a snort, she butted out her cigarette and got up. “Not with me, you’re not. Hold on a second.” She went to her bedroom and came back wearing a flowing black skirt and a green sparkly crop top.

“We’re going out.” She said.

Chapter Sixty-Five – Three of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Personal Growth, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

When I arrived at her home, Darnelle had all sort of things laid out on her dining room table. She poured me a mug of tea and laid out milk and sugar on the table. The cups looked funny among all the magical paraphernalia. I was immediately put at ease when I took my first sip. I saw Darnelle smile at me.

“Never underestimate the healing powers of tea. It reminds us to spare a few moments for ourselves, at least while the tea is hot. Tea helps us to stop, breathe and practice patience.”

“How does tea give us patience?” I asked her.

“Because young and old, we wait for that tea to cool slightly so that we can drink it. It’s kind of like magic. We’re afraid until we delve into the pool beyond our ankles, but then when the water is supporting our weight, we let go and wait for joy.”  She lit a cigarette. “Here, let’s do your Medicine cards and find out who your guides are.”

Pulling the deck towards her, she put down her cigarette in the ashtray and handed me the deck of cards. “You need to shuffle these until you feel like you are done, just like the Tarot cards you love.”

It felt odd to be holding a deck of cards without having a question to guide me. While I was shuffling, I thought to myself ‘Who is willing to guide me?’. It felt better to give the shuffling some direction. I closed my eyes and tried to clear my mind of nothing else but the question so that it would take up room in the dark. I could feel a card fly free from the deck. I opened my eyes and put the deck on the table.

Darnelle held up the card that flew out of the deck. “Looks like the Wolf if your guide.” She let out a bark of laughter as she set the card down in front of me. “Well, you already chose them.” I knew that she was referring to the fact that I had changed my name when I was eighteen so that I would no longer carry my fathers name as my middle name and family name. I had chosen the name Wolf as my middle name. I always had a fascination with them and the wisdom that they carried. I liked that they were part of a pack to survive but would go out alone if they needed to. I had a pack of people that I loved and could be the lone Wolf if I needed to be.

She lit another cigarette and took a sip of her tea. “Spread the deck around in front of you and slide your hand overtop of the pile. Stop when you feel a card pull you.”

I did so, familiar with this being a way to look for a Tarot card, too. I used my left hand. I was right-handed and I had learned that the dominant hand rids you of the energy that you don’t want and the non-dominant hand brings in the energy you do want. I ran my hands over the blue backs of the cards, the yellow lighting bolt design looking as if it would point me in the right direction.

Stopping when I felt a tingle in the palm of my hand, I plucked the single card from the pile and held it up. It was the Crow card. Darnelle smiled at me.

“That’s so profound. Did you know that the Crow is one of the only animal spirits that can go to the land of the dead and cross back over the border of the world of the living? They are harbingers of magic and they tell stories. When they speak, you need to listen. Much like you’re a writer and you have seen so many shadows in your life. The Crow will show you the right way for you.”

I took a sip of tea and looked at the Wolf and Crow cards. “Don’t thing come in threes?”

Nodding, Darnelle smiled. “Yes, but in this case, they are your guides and you have to work together to get to where you need to go. You have to work together, the three of you, to achieve your goals. They are with you to show you the way as best as they can, but you have to find the way yourself. Does that make sense? The three of you have to work in tandem to create what is possible.”

I nodded, because that made sense to me. It was nice to know that even though I was asking magic for help, I was still in control of my life. The Wolf and the Crow would help guide me, but I knew that I had a lot of work ahead of me. “Thank you,” I told her.

“Okay, now that we have your guides, we have to work on your resume.” She got up to pour some more hot water for our cups of tea and lit a cigarette. “You need to tell me about all your skills and the jobs you’ve done before your time on the streets, before you ended up at Lisa’s. Do you remember everything?” She handed me a pad of paper and a pen. “I’ll help you make a new resume. It’s something I’ve helped a lot of people within my line of work. We got this, okay?”

I looked at the blank page in front of me, and I knew that my guides, I knew that I would find my way to where I was supposed to go. The page in front of me was asking me to create the direction I wanted to go in. I was being asked to really focus on myself for once. I took a deep breath.

“Okay,” I said.

Chapter Sixty-Four – Two of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

I had big dreams, but I had no idea how to go about them.

It had been so long since I held a job. The last one had been during university, and I’d held a volunteer job a couple of summers before. I knew that the easiest way out of my current situation was to find a job.

For the past couple of years, I had only been concerned with obtaining food for my stomach and a roof over my head. That had been what drove me and it had been my only concern, aside from finding my way. I was fortunate enough to have met some everyday angels along the way. Lisa was one of them. She had taken me into her home and given me houseroom. Albeit on her floor, but still, she fed me out of the food supplies that we all got at the food bank down the street from her place. Could I betray her kindness?

I was constantly going back and forth about this. Darnelle noticed on one of her visits that I wasn’t myself. She waited until Lisa had gone back inside to get a fresh pack of cigarettes and more coffee to ask me what was wrong.

“What’s bothering you, kid?” she asked

“Nothing,” I told her, wanting to keep it to myself.

“See, that’s where you’re wrong. You can’t bullshit a bullshitter, Jamieson. I can see right into you, and I know there is something bothering you. My son is the same way” She handed me a cigarette. “How about a trade? I give you a cigarette and you can tell me what’s bothering you.”

“You don’t need to bribe me. You and I both know that I’ll tell you eventually.”

“Sure, but this way it’s an exchange so it’s a balance. I know what it’s like to hold on to everything and have no one to tell.”

I shook my head. “I don’t want to bother you.”

She let out a laugh and lit the cigarette before passing it to me. “Tough. You have to change, Jamieson. You just can’t accept that people want to care about you so you do what they can to keep them out before something can happen.”

“Wow, that’s quite the mom talk.” I said with a laugh.

“Right? It doesn’t work on my son; I thought I’d try it on you.” Taking a sip of coffee, she pointed at me with her cigarette. “Go on, spill. I know you want to hold on, but it will feel better letting go. Go on, before she gets back.”

I took a deep breath. I didn’t want to mince words and she was right. I needed to change my habits. I had to be able to adapt to a new path if I went looking for one. I needed to start somewhere.  “I want more.” It felt like a release saying the words out loud. “I want more than this. I want my own place.” I took a drag of my cigarette to give me strength. When I blew the out the air I held, I could see the words that I was about to speak in the within the smoke. “I want more. I know that I need a job, but I have no idea about how to go about applying for one. I had planned on waiting until Lisa had her baby, but it’s becoming harder and harder to hold on to that light. Literally, as I’m sleeping on the fucking floor.”

There was a moment of silence between us, then Darnelle let out a laugh and stood to hug me tightly, careful of our cigarettes. “I am so happy. You make me so fucking happy, Jamieson. Thank the gods.”

I had expected shock but had not been prepared for the sheer joy. “You’re not upset?”

“Jamieson, you’re so young. It pained me to see you throwing your life away like Lisa has.” She saw the look of shock on my face. “Don’t misunderstand me, I love Lisa, she’s my friend and I’ve known her for a long time, but she gave up trying a long time ago. She’s content to stay on welfare when she is perfectly capable of working. She just doesn’t want to.”

“I don’t feel young. How am I supposed to find a job that I can do? I haven’t worked since university.”

“You and I will work on this. Come to my place tomorrow and we can work on your resume. I can make anyone sound good on paper and you can sell yourself, too. You’re good at talking to people, Jamieson, even if you have difficulty letting people in. You’re a gifted writer, too. You’re wasted here.” She gave me a strong look and looking into her eyes, I wondered how her son could deny her anything.

“Won’t Lisa be upset that I’m trying to better myself?” One of her constant refrains was the grind of the people, working for the man instead of living for the sake of living.

Darnelle waved a hand. “Who the fuck cares what she thinks. This is about you. You have to choose this for you.

Looking at Dar, I knew that I would make that choice. We both heard the sound of Lisa’s voice. She came out, carrying a cup of coffee in one hand, a pack of cigarettes in the other with a lit cigarette in her lips

Giving me a look, Lisa said “What’s about you? Did you write another story?”

“I’m going to give Jamieson help.” Darnelle said slowly. I could tell that she was choosing her words carefully. “He needs to work on his resume, and I wanted do some spirit work with him, introduce him to the Medicine Wheel Cards.” I hoped that Lisa would focus on the Medicine Wheel Cards and that she had not heard the other words.

“Resume? For what?”

I sighted. There were two ways that I could play this. I knew that I could lie to her, but Lisa had given me room in her home and food from her cupboards. I owed her the truth. I had planned to keep it a secret but changed my mind. “For a job.” I told her. “I want to find a job.”

She looked at me with wide shocked eyes for a moment. Then she let out a loud laugh. “Good one! Who would want to hire you?” She grinned at me as if she had made a big joke, but I knew that she had spoken her truth.

I looked at her and felt the earth begin to shake and crack beneath me, throwing me off balance. Lisa didn’t see or feel anything, but Dar and I looked at each other. I knew that she could see the shift within me.

I turned to Dar. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” I said with conviction.