Category: Tarot

Chapter Sixty-Four – Two of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

I had big dreams, but I had no idea how to go about them.

It had been so long since I held a job. The last one had been during university, and I’d held a volunteer job a couple of summers before. I knew that the easiest way out of my current situation was to find a job.

For the past couple of years, I had only been concerned with obtaining food for my stomach and a roof over my head. That had been what drove me and it had been my only concern, aside from finding my way. I was fortunate enough to have met some everyday angels along the way. Lisa was one of them. She had taken me into her home and given me houseroom. Albeit on her floor, but still, she fed me out of the food supplies that we all got at the food bank down the street from her place. Could I betray her kindness?

I was constantly going back and forth about this. Darnelle noticed on one of her visits that I wasn’t myself. She waited until Lisa had gone back inside to get a fresh pack of cigarettes and more coffee to ask me what was wrong.

“What’s bothering you, kid?” she asked

“Nothing,” I told her, wanting to keep it to myself.

“See, that’s where you’re wrong. You can’t bullshit a bullshitter, Jamieson. I can see right into you, and I know there is something bothering you. My son is the same way” She handed me a cigarette. “How about a trade? I give you a cigarette and you can tell me what’s bothering you.”

“You don’t need to bribe me. You and I both know that I’ll tell you eventually.”

“Sure, but this way it’s an exchange so it’s a balance. I know what it’s like to hold on to everything and have no one to tell.”

I shook my head. “I don’t want to bother you.”

She let out a laugh and lit the cigarette before passing it to me. “Tough. You have to change, Jamieson. You just can’t accept that people want to care about you so you do what they can to keep them out before something can happen.”

“Wow, that’s quite the mom talk.” I said with a laugh.

“Right? It doesn’t work on my son; I thought I’d try it on you.” Taking a sip of coffee, she pointed at me with her cigarette. “Go on, spill. I know you want to hold on, but it will feel better letting go. Go on, before she gets back.”

I took a deep breath. I didn’t want to mince words and she was right. I needed to change my habits. I had to be able to adapt to a new path if I went looking for one. I needed to start somewhere.  “I want more.” It felt like a release saying the words out loud. “I want more than this. I want my own place.” I took a drag of my cigarette to give me strength. When I blew the out the air I held, I could see the words that I was about to speak in the within the smoke. “I want more. I know that I need a job, but I have no idea about how to go about applying for one. I had planned on waiting until Lisa had her baby, but it’s becoming harder and harder to hold on to that light. Literally, as I’m sleeping on the fucking floor.”

There was a moment of silence between us, then Darnelle let out a laugh and stood to hug me tightly, careful of our cigarettes. “I am so happy. You make me so fucking happy, Jamieson. Thank the gods.”

I had expected shock but had not been prepared for the sheer joy. “You’re not upset?”

“Jamieson, you’re so young. It pained me to see you throwing your life away like Lisa has.” She saw the look of shock on my face. “Don’t misunderstand me, I love Lisa, she’s my friend and I’ve known her for a long time, but she gave up trying a long time ago. She’s content to stay on welfare when she is perfectly capable of working. She just doesn’t want to.”

“I don’t feel young. How am I supposed to find a job that I can do? I haven’t worked since university.”

“You and I will work on this. Come to my place tomorrow and we can work on your resume. I can make anyone sound good on paper and you can sell yourself, too. You’re good at talking to people, Jamieson, even if you have difficulty letting people in. You’re a gifted writer, too. You’re wasted here.” She gave me a strong look and looking into her eyes, I wondered how her son could deny her anything.

“Won’t Lisa be upset that I’m trying to better myself?” One of her constant refrains was the grind of the people, working for the man instead of living for the sake of living.

Darnelle waved a hand. “Who the fuck cares what she thinks. This is about you. You have to choose this for you.

Looking at Dar, I knew that I would make that choice. We both heard the sound of Lisa’s voice. She came out, carrying a cup of coffee in one hand, a pack of cigarettes in the other with a lit cigarette in her lips

Giving me a look, Lisa said “What’s about you? Did you write another story?”

“I’m going to give Jamieson help.” Darnelle said slowly. I could tell that she was choosing her words carefully. “He needs to work on his resume, and I wanted do some spirit work with him, introduce him to the Medicine Wheel Cards.” I hoped that Lisa would focus on the Medicine Wheel Cards and that she had not heard the other words.

“Resume? For what?”

I sighted. There were two ways that I could play this. I knew that I could lie to her, but Lisa had given me room in her home and food from her cupboards. I owed her the truth. I had planned to keep it a secret but changed my mind. “For a job.” I told her. “I want to find a job.”

She looked at me with wide shocked eyes for a moment. Then she let out a loud laugh. “Good one! Who would want to hire you?” She grinned at me as if she had made a big joke, but I knew that she had spoken her truth.

I looked at her and felt the earth begin to shake and crack beneath me, throwing me off balance. Lisa didn’t see or feel anything, but Dar and I looked at each other. I knew that she could see the shift within me.

I turned to Dar. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” I said with conviction.

Chapter Sixty-Three – Ace of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

The wind smelled of promise.

I could smell the earth in the breeze, the scent of grass and manure as we drove by a farm. Lisa and I rode home to Ottawa with Sophie, Fox and Jenn and it felt great to be part of a group that had through such a major shift. I know that I wasn’t the only one who felt changed by the week we had spent on the island.

“It is like this every time?” I asked Lisa.

She nodded. “We all come away learning something new about ourselves. I often find that after Kaleidoscope, I always end up finding myself on some journey that I wasn’t expecting, only because I was shown the way.”

“My only advice,” Sophie said, speaking up. “Is to follow it. You never know where it will take you and what you will learn.”

“I thought the spiritual shift was supposed to happen at Kaleidoscope.” I tried to keep the doubt out of my voice. I was beginning to realize that magic had a way about itself that always kept me guessing. I wondered if that was part of allure to magic, trying to make sense out of the unsensible.

I stuck my hand out of the window and let it fly along on the breeze. I wondered what journey I was heading towards and where my spirit would ty to take me. I could smell the earth again and wondered what seeds I wanted to grow for myself. I kept coming back to the face that though I was thankful for a space in Lisa’s home, I still wanted more. I pictured myself planting seeds in the soil that we drove by so that by the time we were home, they would begin to grow, having a home of my own, a place where I could lock the door and feel that it was mine. I had never had that. I had not felt at home when I lived with my father and stepmother and towards the end, I hadn’t been welcomed in my mother and stepfather’s place. At University, I had been a fish out of water, and I didn’t know how to swim or catch my breath. I had come out of the closet at university and didn’t know what home was, let alone who I was. There had been little aside from the friends I had known that had felt like home. I didn’t have to think very long about what I would wish for.  

I’d love a home of my own. I said this to myself as I held my hand outside the window. I closed my fingers in a lose fist and when I relaxed my fingers, I could see seeds glowing within my palm. Relaxing my hand, I let go of the seed, the sunlight hitting them for a moment before they disappeared.

There had to be more than living on someone’s floor. I was tired of my roll of foam, even though it had been through a lot with me. That wish that I’d had back when I was with Francis flared to life again. I wanted more. I wanted a home for myself, a space where I could have my own furniture, a kitchen where I could make food. I wanted a bed.

I’d love a home of my own. I said this to myself again. I had learned that repetition was manifestation and that manifestation was magic. I had to believe that it would happen, I had to want it beyond anything else. I had filled each of those seeds and planted them in the ground, their light shining like stars from beneath the soil.

As we drove on towards Lisa’s, I imagined that every seed I had planted would dig underground and trace a path towards me so that the roots they could show me the way that I was supposed to go. I pictured the ground underneath us filling with thousands of white and green roots, slithering through the dark earth to find purchase on the rocks within the soil. I had to believe that my wish come true. I was filled with magic after the past week, and I had to believe that I could achieve this. I had to believe that I was worth it.

I ignored all the voices within myself that told me I wasn’t worth it or that I didn’t deserve having a home. I pushed aside every worry. I would worry later. Now, I just gave myself over to the wish, the smell of sunlight on the air and the car filled with the sounds of joy and wonderment.

I’d love a home of my own.

Chapter Sixty – Knight of Swords

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

My grief was easier to carry in the morning.

At some point during the night, I had found my way back to my tent. I awoke to the sound of voices, birdsong and the smell of coffee. In the distance, I could hear someone tapping gently on a drum. I lay there in my tent trying to see if I could find the shape of my emotions, but they were clouded by everything that my mind was trying to figure out.

I pulled on my sarong, a t-shirt and my sandals and grabbed the cloth bag that held my shampoo, conditioner, body wash and my towel.  I wanted to get clean before I had a cup of coffee. I emerged from my tent, and I met Lisa’s knowing gaze. She gave me a smile and raised her cup of coffee in salute.

“Going down to the watering hole?” Lisa gave me a very saucy wink.

I blushed under her gaze. “Yes.”

“Here, take this with you.” She handed me a travel mug filled with coffee. “Do you want me to come with you?” She did a downward glance at my legs. I knew that she was worried about me making my way down rocks at the side of the river on my own, but I had checked out the terrain the night before and I thought it would be all right.

My body had a way of disagreeing with me sometimes. It depended on the amount of pain I was in. Having lived with me, Lisa had seen what the cerebral palsy did to my body. She also knew that I had difficulty with uneven terrain. I could usually make it if I took my time, but I had to be careful.

“It’s all good, enjoy your coffee. I’ll be right back.”

I made my way to the river, following the dirt road. I took in the sounds of the water, listened to the music of people laughing and tried to put one foot in front of the other. I didn’t tell Lisa, but I was nervous about bathing in front of others naked. It was silly as Soph had seen me naked the night before, but this was different. To bathe in front of other people, you had to be sure of yourself, confident enough to bare it all. The idea was beyond frightening to me and at the same time, I thought it would help me finally feel free.

I loved myself but hated my body. It had been a source of so much discomfort for me and I had difficulty being naked in front of others, even those that I loved and trusted. I had always been taught to hide my body because I was disabled and that mindset never really left me, no matter how far away from my father I was able to get. I still carried his voice in my head and it was difficult to shake it.

I stood there wondering what I was going to do when I heard someone call out my name. It was the woman who had painted her body at the fire. She was down near the water, sitting on the edge of the rocks and she waved, giving me a brilliant smile.

“Come on down here, the water is so nice.”

Making my way down the rockface, I made sure to take my time. I listened to the water as I looked down at my feet, trying to make sure to put my foot in the right spot before taking another step. I tried not to think about getting naked, knowing that I would have to do so when I got to the water, but I focused on my footsteps and the sound of the water calling me forwards. It took me longer than I thought it would, but I did it. I got there, despite my fear.

I sat down beside the woman. She was completely naked and covered in a loose towel. It was draped around her shoulders as if it were a cape. When the wind blew, it looked as if she were riding the waves and the wind was claiming her as its own. When the wind took hold of my sarong, I held on to it, not wanting it to blow away.

“Just put your sarong down underneath your towel. You can sit right next to me.”

I tried to look around and tried to cover myself with my towel and remove my sarong, but with the wind blowing at the edge of the water, there was no way that I was going to be able to do this with any kind of grace.

“Don’t be embarrassed by your body,” the woman said. “Everyone is naked here. No one is going to judge you.”

I nodded to show that I heard her and pulled off my shirt. I held onto my sarong and let the wind claim it. The wind pulled the sarong from my body, and I stood there for a moment, completely naked and free. I could feel the wind moving through my hair and I raised my arms, letting myself feel the current of air that was all around me. My sarong flapped in the wind and streamed out behind me in the air. At that moment, I was filled with a fantastic kind of freedom. My heartbeat as if I were riding into the wind and I felt like nothing could stop me.

I opened my eyes and though I felt eyes on me, no one was yelling in horror or shock. I let myself smile a bit and sat down beside the woman. “My name’s Daphne,” she said, holding out her hand. “Merry meet.”

I shook her hand. “My name is Jamieson, merry meet.”

“Merry meet again.” She looked at my little bag of personals. “Now bathing in the water is easy. All you need to do it soap up first and then dunk yourself in the water.”

I moved to the side of the rockface, and I paused for a moment to let the sun touch my skin. It was freeing and the wind felt fantastic on my skin. I slid into the water, letting out a small yell of joy at the coldness of the morning water.  I dunked my head under water and climbed back up onto the rockface to soap up. We had to use only biodegradable soap, shampoo and conditioner to protect the water. I soaped up as quickly as I could. It was colder out of the water, but the sun did feel amazing. I slid off the rockface again and made sure to dunk my head again and sluice off the soap from my body. I hung off the rockface so that I could put conditioner in my hair and then dunked my head again.

I pulled myself out the water one last time and lay on my towel beside Daphne. I let the sun shine down on me and I felt a soft breeze cares my skin. It didn’t occur to me to hide my nudity. In that moment, cleaned and blessed by the water, I let the sun and wind roll over my skin.

It felt like the wind was trying to pull me forward to something greater. I could feel the wind pulling at me as if it were impatient for me to start down a new path. I knew that I was right where I needed to be for now.

I knew that I would eventually need to make a move in a new direction, but I was right where I needed to be. Daphne handed me a lit cigarette, and I watched the wind pull the smoke into the blue ether of the sky.

“Come on,” Daphne said. “Let’s go to the morning circle. I can help you up the rocks, too.”

Instead of being embarrassed that she had seen my difficult walk down to the water, I took her hand when she held it out for me. I didn’t know where the path I was on would lead me, but I embraced the wind and let it carry me forward. Standing, I threw on my sarong, grabbed my tumbler of coffee and prepared to lose myself in the forest, the wind causing the leaves around us to whisper as we moved forward to what would come.

Chapter Fifty-Nine – Page of Swords

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

I lost myself to the night.

I could hear the fire and drumming behind me as I walked the pathways to my tent. The release at the fire had left me revitalized but also exhausted. I had been holding on to so much that it was a blessing to let go. At the same time, I wanted to fill the empty parts of me with something so that I didn’t feel so empty.

Strolling without any purpose, it was a while before I noticed the footsteps behind me. “Jamison, hold up.”

Turning, I saw that it was a man I had seen around the Pagan brunches named Soph. He had always been nice to me. He had shoulder length brown hair and kind brown eyes. As he made his way towards me, I saw that he had dressed for the fire. He was wearing a sarong with a belt fastened around his waist. From the belt came the sound of bells as he ran. The sarong was a rust-colour that took on the colour of the night and his flashlight as he made his way toward me. He had painted his upper body in sparkles. As he came closer to me, he slowed down and smiled at me, his teeth looking bright in the light from my flashlight.

“Jamieson, hi.”

“Hi Soph.”

“I saw you leave the fire. Want to go for a walk?”

“Sure,” I said. My walls were down and gone again and I was afraid of what that would mean for me. I was curious to know what Soph wanted from me; we had barely spoken a few words to each other. I don’t think he realized how much I said in that one word. I reminded myself that not everyone was there to hurt me unless I let them.

“Cool,” he said.

Reaching out he took my hand and I let him. It was the first time that I had let another man hold my hand or get that close to me since Francis. It felt good just to let someone get that close to me, especially since I now had little standing in the way between the two of us.

We let our flashlights light up the path in front of us. We could hear the sounds of water lapping against the rocks nearby and I could hear our breathing, the crickets in the plants that lines the path. The sound of my heartbeat got louder in my ears, and I wondered if Soph could hear it too. Every time I looked over at him, he smiled and I felt myself smiling back, despite my fear.

We stopped walking and Soph pointed up to the leaves of the trees. “See?” he said. “The moon is full. We always try to have the fire dancing at the same time as the full moon. That way people can really let go and if they fuck up and get stupid, they can just say that the moon made them do it.”

I laughed despite myself. The joke had caught me so unawares and it was so true. I had witnessed many people hooking up around the fire. “I wonder if they’ll remember.”

Soph let out a snort. “Maybe not…” He looked uncomfortable for a second before speaking again. “I want to remember this night. It must be the fire, but I can’t believe that I’m being brave enough to speak to you.”

It was my turn to feel uncomfortable. I scuffed my feet in the dirt. “What do you mean? You could have just talked to me anytime.”

“Yeah, but you’re so…you.” I looked at him with confusion, and he ran his hands through his hair and but his bottom lip. His eyes looked wide in the light from our flashlights. “That didn’t come out right.”

“It’s okay,” I said.

“No, it’s not. I mean, crap. Let me start again.” Taking a deep breath, he took my free hand again and held onto it. “I’ve liked you for ages. Then you got with Francis and I should have spoken up or said something before now. And now you’re sad and I can’t stand it.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I listened to the water for a moment and the sound of our breathing. I could feel Soph’s heartbeat in his fingers and his heart was beating quickly. Mine matched his and I was able to listen to my heart beating in tandem with his.

The fact that he would feel this way about me floored me. I never considered that people I didn’t know very well had chosen to like me even though we hadn’t shared a conversation. “Thanks,” I told him. I meant to stop there, but my mind had other ideas. “But you don’t need to worry about me.”

He shook his head. “I’m always going to worry about the people I like.” He paused and took in a breath that looked to contain courage because he forged on despite his nervousness. “I like you, Jamieson.”

We shared a kiss under the moonlight. His lips were completely unlike Francis’. Soph’s lips were soft and welcoming, and we explored the depths of each other with our tongues. For a moment, I had a notion that I was being unfaithful to Francis.

Soph must have felt something in my lips or intuitively felt something because he pulled back from me slightly. “I just want to give you a different perspective on things. You need to remember that you are beautiful. I want to help you remember that.”

I almost shrunk back from him. It was in that moment I realized how much damage Francis had done and how much self-doubt that he had left me with. I had been making it myself, building the chains one link at a time. If I squinted my eyes and looked to the left and right of me, I could see the rows of chains the dirt path, snaking their way behind us.

“I’d like that,” I said. He must have head my heartbeat increase because he smiled at me and his teeth flashed in the darkness, the light from our flashlights lighting the way back to his tent. I took his hand and let him lead me to his tent.

He entered the tent before me and I followed. I turned to zip the tent and could see a flash of metal, the chains had fallen away. I zipped the tent closed and turned my mind to other things and the gentle hands of a man who only wanted to make me feel beautiful.  

Chapter Fifty-Seven – 9 of Swords

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Personal Growth, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

My first impression of Kaleidoscope was one of joy.

When our car drove up to the camping site, there were already hundreds of people that had arrived earlier that day. They milled about in the hot summer sun wearing whatever they pleased. There were men wearing dresses and skirts, women wearing leather and others wearing loin cloths and sandals. Others were wearing feather boas with sparkle paint all over their bodies and they glittered in the sun. I watched them move and the blinking of the sun made it look as if they were filled with light.

I heard people calling out to each other and I wanted to jump out of the car and throw myself into this world at the same time that I wanted to hide away in the car. The will to experience the rhythm won out and I knew that I wanted to lose myself in the crowd.

My body was vibrating with possibility and the smoke coming from my cigarette was dancing with the music I could hear in the air. As we parked, I opened the car door and stepped out into summer heat, I could hear drum music playing somewhere in the distance, the sound of people talking and somewhere nearby, a person singing along with the beat of the drums. The air around me was filled with magic. The chill that had been within me since Francis melted a little as I stood there letting the sun shine down on me.

Soon, we had gathered all of our bags and food and were trying to find our way in what was known as tent city. I felt disoriented by the sea of coloured surfaces, walkways and paths. I kept looking around me, trying to commit everything to memory.

“Don’t worry,” Lisa said. “You’ll get used to it. By the end of the week, you will be able to find your way from the swimming hole back to the tent. I know it doesn’t seem like it now but trust me. The land here takes care of us if we take care of it.”

Lisa had found me a space near her tent. That way, we could wake and make breakfast over the open fire together. Lisa’s boyfriend Carl had arrived before us and had chosen a really wonderful group of plots that were close to the portable toilets. “This is where you want to be,” Lisa said. “Trust me, you don’t want to be trying to find the washroom in the dark when you gotta go. This here is prime real estate.”

I hadn’t camped such a long time. Lisa had lent me nearly everything. I had a tent that would old three people, a lantern to keep the tent lit and to help me find my way to the washroom and an extra flashlight. I had brought my book, a journal and a few pens and my roll of foam. It had provided me comfort for so long and it was nice to have a touchstone, something that had provided me comfort for so long.

I didn’t do well with fear and I was terrified. I didn’t know what was involved in a spiritual reset, but I knew that it was going to happen here, I just didn’t know what it would involve. Even though I was afraid, I had to try and see this through.

After setting up my tent and laying out my foam and sleeping bag, I changed out of my jeans and into a sarong, a flowing piece of fabric that I wrapped around myself like a towel. Sophie had said that Pagan people could be a little bit freer on the island. I figured I was willing to ty anything once. I came out of my tent, my sarong fluttering in the breeze and my purse comfortable. It carried my wallet. Lisa said she saved all year for Kaleidoscope. “There are vendors all over the place, Jamieson. There are the mead people who make and sell their own mead. They’re always popular, but there are all sorts of craftspeople. Some of them make charms, cloaks and wands, jewelry and headpieces. There are all kinds of different foods on offer, too. Think of it like an open-air market. I found the most amazing oracle deck here once. Have you ever used Medicine Cards? I got my deck here two years ago with the bear claw pendant I wear.” I had seen the pendant shaped like a bear paw that hung next to her pentagram. “They sell all kinds of things here. You never know what you’ll find.”

I was hoping to find myself. I had lost or given away pieces of who I was. If I stood still long enough in the sunshine, the light would find its way through the cracks of me. If I looked down at my body, I could see the fissures and fault lines shining gold.

We walked along the main road of the campsite that threaded its way through the entire place. The vendors were set up there underneath the trees so that they were in the shade. Lisa introduced me to all kinds of people that I had never met before and even a few people that I had met but didn’t know too well. It was overwhelming to meet so may people and try to remember so many names, but I knew that I would remember most of them eventually.

Like the land, the people here would become familiar after a time. I just wondered when that would be. I tried to let the wall that I carried around with myself down a little. I had visions of having no wall at the end of the week. I didn’t know if that would happen, but I could dream. Even though the wall hurt me to carry, I had to keep a piece of it. I could never give all of myself to anyone else. Francis had taught me that I had to keep a piece of myself hidden within the depths of who I was.

As I walked along the path where the vendors were, taking in the sights of what was on offer, talking to the other people I met, I imagined that I was leaving a trail of blood behind me, the drops looking like rubies in the sunlight.