Category: Tarot

Chapter Seventy-Five – King of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Personal Growth, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

The sky was the depth and wonder of black velvet.

The air around me was filled with the promise of something wonderful. It had taken me a week to make my costume. I was going as Demeter and Rhonda was dressing as a succubus. We had found my wig at the Zesty Mart on Bank Street; it had a good selection of stuff for Halloween costumes. The wig looked like real hair, and it gave me a black bob. It made me look older than I was. I had done my own makeup and had given myself blue shadowy eyelids and dramatic cheekbones.

I had found a long bolt of blue cloth and had arrange it to fall off one shoulder. I had found another bolt of black tuille and had sewn to hang from the waist of a simple black skirt. I wore my Doc Martins and carried a basket filled to the brim with leaves that I had collected and arranged. My costume was supposed to make me look as if I had been wandering among the snow, looking for her daughter. I had paled out my skin with white powder.

We were dressed for the Witches Ball. We were meeting Lisa and Darnelle there and a few more of our friends. I knew that Sophie, Fox and Jenn. Catherine was coming with Vince and Amanda. It was odd to me to me to have so many people I knew coming together. It filled me with feeling akin to joy, but it was somehow more. It shone brighter within me and I danced upon the thrum of this feeling as we skipped closer to Barrymore’s.

Barrymore’s threw the Witches Ball every year and I had never been before. I had been told to expect a night of magic and wonder and merriment. From the sea of people dressed in costumes, the others had not led me wrong. When we entered the bar, it was to find a sea of people in costumes and a band playing music on the stage. There would be a few bands tonight. The stage had been draped in webs and streamers that were made to look like a spider’s web. The triple moon had been painted on the stage wall and there were lights made to resemble candles everywhere.

It was too loud to speak sometimes, but we leaned in close and lost ourselves to the joy of finding others we knew in the crowd of people. I waved at Rainbow and Sunshine came in for a quick hug before heading to the bar. Catherine pulled me onto the dance floor so that I could lose myself to the music that was thumping through the room. It was filled with the bunt smell of smoke, the tang of sweat and a heady cloud of sage.

I let myself get lost in the music and the joy of the moment. The veil was thin tonight, and I knew that there was the potential for great things to be done tonight. I looked at everyone as I danced and I knew that I was lucky. In that moment, the air filled with the sounds of joy, I knew that my life had not gone to plan, but it had brought me here to be present when magic was being made.

The people around me, those that filled my life with such light, showed me that I was wealthier than I had ever thought possible. I had lost one family and gained another. Likewise, I had lost one home only to find another.

A lot had been taken from me, but I had found what mattered most: a place to call my own where I could build the foundations I needed. It felt weird and kind of magical to know that I had a home to go to, a bed of my own and a door that I could lock against the world if I chose to, or open to let the world in.

As I danced, I took hold of the Pentacle that I wore around my neck. It rooted me to this moment, to the earth around me. Within the room, I could see fire, breathe in air, feel the earth beneath my feet and drink libation. I knew at that moment, that I was everything that the earth offered. Holding onto that Pentacle, I knew who I was and I was finally at home in myself.

It was an odd feeling but one mad all the sweeter when the music changed and the bar started playing a remix of Rasputin by Bony M. I let out a laugh. My life was completely unrecognizable from where this path had begun.

I lost myself to the music and the scent of sage, sweat and booze that filled the air. I danced and I looked forward to what would come.

Chapter Seventy-Four – Queen of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

Catherine’s three cats followed her everywhere.

If I couldn’t find her, I just had to listen for the padder of cat feet and head towards them. This time, I merely had to wait for the footsteps to find me because Catherine was going to introduce me to the others that lived in the house.

Soon enough, Catherine knocked on my door, and I opened it to find her standing there, surrounded by her cats. They meowed and rubbed against my shins and ankles. I reached down to pet them and to let them smell my hands. The cat that I held the other day, Bell, meowed until I picked him up. He nuzzled into my neck and held onto me, purring contentedly. Catherine smiled and rubbed Bell’s head between his ears. “He likes you. He’s fussy with people normally, but he’s taken a real shine to you.”

She was wearing a white poet’s blouse and short skirt that looked as if it were made of neckties. A purse was slung across her shoulder and on the front pocket I could see writing. I bent down to take a closer look. It read: Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians.

“Are you ready? I know you’re still putting yourself to right, but I promised to take you around to meet everyone and show you around. Is now a good time?”

I nodded and slung my purse onto my shoulder. It had my keys, book, tarot card and crystals. It felt kind of wonderful to lock the door and know that all my things were safe. The night before, I had traced a pentacle on the other side of my door, and I marvelled at how such a simple thing like a door made me feel safer than I had felt in a long time.

“It’s kind of mind blowing, isn’t it?”

“What’s that?”

“How a door can lead to home, to new adventures or be a barrier against what we don’t need anymore.” She took Bell from me, and he snuggled right into her embrace. “Doors can lead us to new things to explore, and they are barriers that we can control.” She put hand up and seemed to be listening for something. Turning to me, she smiled. “Nice wards. They are all warm and lovely like you. Come on.”

She led me to a door and knocked on it. “There are four rooms down here and three rooms in the attic. I love up there with Vince and Amanda. Laura lives down here with you, Ted is at the end of the hallway, and this room belongs to Eric. He’s really nice, though he’s really shy.”

The door in front of us opened and I saw a mop of dusty blond hair falling into blue green eyes. “Hey Eric, this is Jamieson. He lives next door to you.”

“Hi,” He held out his hand almost as an afterthought and I shook it lightly.

“Hello,” I said. “Nice to meet you,”

He nodded almost jumped when Catherine reached out to touch his arm. “We’re going to go for coffee. Do you want to come with us?”

“No,” he shook his head. “Reading, thank you though.”

“No thanks needed. Maybe next time?”

He nodded at us and retreated back into his room. “He’s such a nice guy if you can get him out of his shell.” She passed the other door. “Laura is out at her job. She volunteers at the Mission a lot. She likes to give back to those that helped her. I’ll make sure you meet her later.”

Knocking on Ted’s door, Catherine stepped back and gently pulled me back with her. “Trust me,” she said with a wink.

The door flew open and Ted looked at the two of us dark eyes filled with a light that had nothing to do with the lights above us. “Have you come to hear me recite some poetry?” He asked me.

“I could if that’s what you want me to do.” I said.

“Excellent, please recite the following sonnet. It’s one of my absolute favourites!” He yelled this as if he were in a large auditorium and needed to be heard.  He thrust a copy of A Midsummers Night Dream at me. It had obviously been read countless times. The book felt like it would fall apart in my grasp, but I was careful with it.

The sonnet had been highlighted in different colours. I read: “Over hill, over dale, Thorough bush, thorough brier, Over park, over pale, Thorough flood, thorough fire, I do wander every where, Swifter than the moon’s sphere; And I serve the fairy queen, To dew her orbs upon the green: The cowslips tall her pensioners be; In their gold coats spots you see; Those be rubies, fairy favours, In those freckles live their savours: I must go seek some dew-drops here And hang a pearl in every cowslip’s ear. Farewell, thou lob of spirits: I’ll be gone; Our queen and all her elves come here anon.”

I looked up and was astounded to see that Ted was actually crying. “Thank you fair sir.”

“Ted, this is Jamieson. I told you about him earlier.”

“Fair thee well, son of Jamie. May we merry meet again.” Giving us a bow, he retreated to his room and closed the door softly.

I stared at it in wonder. “Come on, let’s go see Amanda and see if she wants to go for coffee with us. There’s no point trying to meet Vis, he doesn’t get up until its nighttime. He likes to pretend he’s a vampire. It’s a good thing he looks good in black otherwise the whole vampire thing would be a total waste.” She went up the stairs, and I followed her. Bell went ahead of us and scratched at Amanda’s door.

When it opened, we were greeted by someone that bore a strong resemblance to Lucille Ball. Her makeup had been done in bold, exaggerated strokes and she wore her dark red hair all bundled together on top of her head. She wore what looked like a yellow Mumu cinched with a bright pink belt. “We going for a coffee run? Gosh, it’s been forever since I’ve had a good cup of coffee, maybe like a few hours? I’m not sure how long it’s been! Hey, are you Jamieson? It’s so nice to meet you!” She took my right hand in her own and clasped our hands together with her left. She shook my hand as if I were a visiting official. “Where do you come from? Don’t answer me, I’m good at guessing? Do you come from the cosmos? See, I knew it. Well, are we going or not?” With a finger wave, she began to make her way down the stairs ahead of us.

The very halls of the house seemed to breathe with relief. Catherine laughed at the shocked look I must have worn on my face. “She can be a lot, but Amanda is a brilliant artist. You should see some of her oil work.”

The day seemed bright once we left the house like the world was coming to life around me. We took the short trek to Irene’s Pub on Bank Street and hopped into a booth. The waitress came and took our coffee order. Catherine and I ordered a plate of zucchini sticks to share. Amanda waved her hand. “I’m off zucchini for a while. I had a little bender last week and it was zucchini everything.”

“Last month it was carrots.” Catherine said.

“I mean, they were so orange. Just calling out to be eaten.”

“And yet you hate oranges.”

Amanda waved her hand again as if she were shooing a fly or dismissing a servant. “Self-righteous bastards.” She said. “I can’t even with them.”

Catherine let out a laugh and Amanda snorted loudly. Soon, I was giggling right along with them. I hadn’t had much to laugh about and now here was this gift and who was I to turn away from the music of laughter? It was wonderful to let go of my remaining walls, even if it was just for a moment, so that I could lose myself in a moment of joy. I reached up to wipe away the tears of joy from my eyes and looked at Catherine.

For a moment, she looked to be wearing a crown of stars in her curling red hair and the stars shone so brightly. I blinked and realized that what I had mistaken for stars were really the tears that clung to my eyelashes. The laughter made by all three of us made the stars move and shift as if they were ready to fall from the sky.

Reaching a hand across the table to take one of mine, Catherine gave my hand a squeeze. “I’m so glad you found us, Jamieson. Welcome home.”

I nodded, agreeing with her. “It feels like home already.”

Tilting her head to the right, she looked at me. Her eyes widened at me and then narrowed slightly. “It’s so hard to run all the time. It’s nice to rest finally, isn’t it? You know all about that.”

Nodding again, I looked away from her because she had hit the nail on the head in one go. I tried covering and took my pack of cigarettes from my bag, I held out the pack and Amanda and Catherine each took one and we lit them from the same flame. I wondered if such a thing could be considered magic.

I let out a plume smoke and tried to put my fear into the air so that it could return to the ether. “Yeah,” I said. “It is.”

Chapter Seventy-Two – Page of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

“I just don’t know what to do,” I said. “I can’t go back there, but I need a place of my own.”

I had crashed at Rhonda’s. I had taken my bag and my roll of foam from Lisa’s place as soon as I had gotten home from the hospital with Lisa, Rosilind and Carl. Carl would be staying with Lisa so that she would have help with the baby. When Lisa saw me with my backpack slung on shoulder, the roll of foam tucked into the other strap, she pointed at the front door.

“Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out,” she said, wiggling her fingers at me.

No word of thanks for helping her through the birth of her daughter, not that I expected any. I left without any clear path of where I was going to go, knowing only that I had to leave. I knew that I was heading towards something new and that it would give me the opportunity to discover more about myself, but I had no idea how I was going to get there.

Rhonda had waved my concerns away. “Didn’t I tell you that I had a plan?” She lit my cigarette and then hers. She ripped off a paper from a pad and handed it to me. “I’m just happy you’re away from her. That’s the part that matters most.”

“I don’t think she treated me that badly.”

“You can’t see it, you’re too close to her. It’s like that with abusers. You need to get away from them to appreciate that. She’s bad people, Jamieson. Bad people will always be attracted to good people like you.”

She huffed out a plume of smoke and took a sip of her coffee. “The important thing is that you’re out from under her influence and you have the opportunity to go forward.”

“Yeah, but go forward where? I don’t have anywhere to live.”

“That never stopped you before. Besides, didn’t I tell you that I had a plan? Come on, finish your coffee. We gotta take a walk.”

I did as I was told and couldn’t help but wonder where this new path would take me. I felt lighter. The day was bright with the rusty smell of sunshine and fallen leaves, and I could hear the wind whisper to me as I made my way outside. I was filled not the urge to run, but the need to take in everything I saw. I knew that my life was about to change again, and I welcomed that change, whatever it may bring.

We walked into the Glebe. It felt odd being back here. I knew that my mom and stepdad were nearby and I had no wish to see them. I didn’t know what I would say to them if I saw them, but Rhonda took me beyond where their house was on Sunnyside to a side street named Monk Street. We stopped in front of a large grey Victorian house covered in vines of ivy that looked impossibly big and small at the same time, as if it held onto the many things that were possible all at once. It looked like a house that was home to witches, and I wondered what magic it contained. “What’s this place?”

“You’re new home, if you like it. Hold on a sec, here she is.”

A woman was coming down the front steps to greet us. I recognized her as the woman that I had danced with in front of the fire at Kaleidoscope. She had been the one who had painted her breasts in swirls of red and silver so that she would like the fire. I remember how wild and free she was and the smile with the glint in her eyes showed me that she had not changed.

“Jamieson!” she said, giving a hug. “I’m so glad that Rhonda and I talked. Did you know that a room just became available!” She pulled away from the hug and gave me a bright smile. “I’m Catherine.”

I was so starstruck by her. She seemed to shine as brightly as she had when we danced with our spirits that night. I wasn’t sure how to respond to such brightness. My words got frazzled and dazzled inside my mind. “You look at lot different with clothes on.” I said and mentally slapped myself for being so blunt. “I’m sorry.”

Catherine let out laugh that sounded like music. “I get that a lot.” She said. “So do you, from what I remember.” She gave me a wink. “Come on, let me introduce you to Ned. He’s like the super of the house, but I had him hold the room for you when Rhonda told me that you needed a new place to stay.”

She brought us into the house, and I was struck by the fact that the outside didn’t match the inside. The outside was painted completely grey and it seemed to be designed to blend right in and not be noticed. The inside was all warm wooden floors, cream-coloured walls and a banister that had been painted a bright white to match. She brought us to a room just off of the kitchen and nocked on the door.

Opening the door, Ned greeted us with a smile and glasses that were perched on the end of his nose that made his eyes seem impossibly small. I felt a stirring at my feet, and I looked down to see a black cat rubbing itself against my leg. Without thinking, I reached down to pick the cat up and it nestled into my arms, purring loudly.

“Bell likes you,” Catherine said. “That’s a good sign.”

“Bell?”

“As in Bell, Book and Candle. I have three black cats. I wanted to name them something witchy.”

“And they manage not to be too much of a nuisance, unlike you.” Ned said with a smile at Cathine and holding out a hand to me. His hand enveloped mine in a warm handshake and his black hair fell into his eyes. “Catherine said you’re looking for a place. We’ve only the one room, but it’s better than a kick in the head. Come on, I’ll show you.”

We all went up the stairs together, with Ned first, me following behind him and Catherine and Rhonda bringing up the rear. Each step we made created music in the old wooden stairs, creaks and groans that only an old house could make. Listening to the music that it made, it sounded like the house was happy that I was here. Each creak sounded joyful, each sigh sounded content.

Ned explained that there were four floors in the house: main, second and attic with a basement. This house had been an old Victorian mansion at one point in its life, and he said that most of the wood was original to the home. There was a total of seven rooms, plus the kitchen, living room and dining room. “We don’t have a lot of turn over here, not like regular boarding houses. Catherine herself has been here for a few years. Rent is your standard welfare cheque, but we can work that out later. Wait till you see the room.”

I could hear the music growing with each step we took upwards, the voices of other people talking and the light sound of a guitar being played that joined the music of the house itself. When we reached the second floor, Ned turned and walked own to the end of the hallway. The bathroom was there and the walls had been done in a royal blue with the sinks and bathtub in white ceramic. “There’s only one bathroom I’m afraid. I’ve asked the landlord to put in another, but they don’t want to ruin the house, so we’re going back and forth on it. Good thing is, your room is right here, if you want it.”

He opened the door directly adjacent to the washroom and stepped into a room that was at the back of the house. I wasn’t prepared for the fact that is had a window, and it was a large bright space, perfect for bed and maybe somewhere to sit. It even had its own closet, and most important part was that it had a door. “Does the door lock?”

“Yes, it does. You’d have one key and I’d have the other, just in case there was some kind of emergency. I’d never go into your room without your permission.”

I had a momentary flashback to Joey, the man that had run the boarding house on Arlington. “I’ll take it if you will have me.”

“Wait, you haven’t seen the best part yet, go on and open that door beside the window.”

I walked to the door and took the antique doorknob in hand and pulled opened the door expecting to see a closet, but what I saw was so much more than that: It was a whole other room. Three of the walls only went up part of the way as the rest of the space was taken up by windows.

I walked into the room and turned around so that I could take it all in. The wall with the door was red brick, but it was the windows that drew me. They looked out over a small garden in the backyard and there were vines of ivy covering the corners of the windows. I turned back to Ned, and he could see my shock that must have been written on my face. “This would have been the old sunroom of the house. The landlord didn’t want to split these up, so if you take this room, you’ll get this one, too. It’s a little cold in the winter, but the walls are insulated. Past tenants have put up curtains to keep the warmth in.”

I nodded. I looked at Rhonda and she gave me a thumbs up. I turned back to look at the garden down below and thought of the seeds that I could plant here. It was a place where I would not have to hide in the dirt. I could grow here and hopefully thrive.

“When can I move in?” I asked Ned.

Chapter Seventy – Nine of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

One night at Frankies, I got a shot handed to me at my station.

I was no stranger to customers buying me drinks and giving me extra tips. Some even brought me books; I always read when I was waiting for someone to show up at the entryway of the second floor. Tonight’s book was a paperback copy of The Silence of the Lambs without a cover. I kept it in my bag when I wasn’t reading it, afraid of beer or cocktails landing on it.

Taking the shot from the bartender, I asked “Which dancer is this for?”

“It’s for you. It’s from Jake downstairs.”

“Jake the bartender?”

The bartender gave me a wink. “Do you know any other Jake around here?”

I smiled and tipped the shot back. Sambuca always left my mouth feeling like it was full of peppermints. “Tell him thanks,” I said, putting the cup back on the tray.

“Let him know on the way out. I think you two live near to each other.” He winked again. “In case you’re interested.”

I let out a laugh and waved a hand at him. “Get away with you.”

Truthfully, it would be nice to have a bit of affection. I didn’t care if I worked with him, he was always trying to take boys home the same way. It wasn’t the first time that Jake had sent me a shot, but it was the first time I was thinking of taking him up on it. I didn’t want to spend the night at Lisa’s, and it had been so long since I had any kind of romantic touch; though at this point, I would settle for a bit of lust. Though Jake took a lot of boys home, he always treated them kindly.

At the end of my shift, I walked down the stairs. I had chosen to wear skinny black jeans that I had found out of the free clothes at the Mission. I had paired that with my black army boots and a green V-neck shirt with the V going low, leaving a lot of my chest bare. Jake gave me a an appreciative look as I moved down the stairs.

“There are those great legs,” he said.

“Well, they are pretty awesome.” I stepped off the last step and went closer to him. “Thank you for the shot.”

“I wasn’t sure whether to give you peach schnapps or sambuca.”

“Sambuca was a good choice.” I told him. “Thank you.”

Giving me what he probably thought of as a seductive look, he came closer to me. I could smell sandalwood, sweat and beer. “I’m not far from here, if you’d like someone to walk you home. My shift is done and we’re closing up.”

I nodded. He was giving me his best bedroom eyes, and they were a deep brown so dark they were almost black.

“I’ve already dropped off my till so I’m good to go when you are.”

“Let’s go,” he said. “I can get us breakfast.”

I bristled at the idea of someone buying food for me. “It’s okay, I did good in tips tonight.”

“Can’t you just let a guy treat you to breakfast?”

I thought about it. I had a better chance of getting laid if I went along with what he wanted. “Thanks,” I said. “I’m just used to doing things on my own.”

“Well, let someone else do it for you every once in a while.”

We walked down streets that were lined with houses and trees that were beginning to shed their leaves. He didn’t take my hand as we walked. This far downtown things could be difficult if two men were spotted holding hands in public. We were no longer in the gay bar and had to be careful.

That didn’t stop us from looking at each other. Every time I looked at him as we walked, he would look away. I would do the same as he looked at me, even though I could feel his eyes on me. He took me to the Elgin Street Diner. We waited until the food came to start speaking. It’s always easier to speak when you have something to occupy you. The food was acting as a barrier so that we could finally be ourselves.

“Do you have a large family?” he asked.

“Yeah, I used to.”

“Dead?” he took a bite of his toast and dipped it into his eggs.

“No,” I told him. “I left home and then was kicked out.” I didn’t feel like going into too much detail. I was sure that after everything happened, Jake would go on to someone else. I would be but a notch on his bedpost and I was okay with that. Sitting across from him, eating my eggs and bacon, I was desperate to be touched.

“You’re too young to be on your own.”

I shook my head. “I’m not on my own, I have friends.” I thought of the people that I knew in the Pagan community, of Lisa, Sophie and Fox.

“I get that, but do you have anyone? Everyone should have their someone.”

I raised my eyebrows and let out a small laugh. “So that doesn’t count for you?”

“I live the bartenders life. I’m not ready to settle down yet.”

“And I am? I’m younger than you.”

“Not my time.” He took my free hand in his. “You want to love for ever after. I can see it in your eyes. You want the whole thing, a man who can love you and give you everything you’ve ever wanted. You deserve that. You deserve to be honoured, cherished and loved.” He let my hand go took a sip of coffee and a last mouthful of eggs. “I can’t give you that and that’s what you deserve.”  He put his cup down. “But I can give you tonight. If that’s okay?”

I nodded and let him lead me to his apartment. He told me that it wasn’t much as he only had his bartender’s salary to pay the rent, but when he unlocked his door, he ushered me into a modest studio apartment. He had his bed right against the window and there was a couch and a television with a bookshelf filled to the brim with books. He closed and locked the door, and I turned around and looked at everything that he could call his. There were dishes in a dishrack, a small stereo with a record player that looked as if it had seen better days.

There wasn’t much on the walls, but there was a boho chic to the place. It looked like him and it was his. I stood in his apartment and envied him because to me, he had everything he could possibly need. It seemed so unreachable to me.

The lovemaking was clumsy because I was so unsure of myself, but Jake was wonderful. He made sure that I was taken care of, that my body was loved and that I was happy.  We laughed a bit and though it didn’t last long, there was joy. We lay there afterwards having a cigarette, the air filled with our smoke, and I watched as the two tendrils of it left lines in the air, though they did not intermingle. A breeze came in through the open window and when it left, it took the smoke from my cigarette towards the window. I knew that I was meant to move onward.

I took a moment to look around at everything that Jake had achieved for himself and knew that I could do it, too. It would take time, but I knew that eventually, I would have my own apartment. I knew that I had to move out of Lisa’s and that it would mean going to another boarding house. That was okay, I would have my own place soon, I could see it. Looking around me, I knew that this was possible for me.

I looked at Jake who was staring out the window lost in thought. “Thaks for this.” I told him. I butted out my cigarette and got dressed.

“You’re welcome. You gotta good home to go to?”

I nodded. “For now.”

He laughed and ran a hand along his chest. “I know all about ‘for now’.” He stood and reached out a hand to caress my cheek. “See you at work on Thursday?”

“You bet,” I told him.

When I got home, I found Lisa pacing back and forth in the living room. She looked agitated and a little frantic. As soon as I had walked in to the apartment, it hit me in the face like a slapped, my euphoria from Jake withering away almost immediately.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“You’re my fucking birth coach and you’re asking what’s wrong?” The cigarette in her hand and the wild look of her hair made her look like some kind of crazed person at their wits end.

“If it’s that urgent, tell me what’s wrong.” I asked her, my voice tired. I felt like I was talking to a two-year-old. I couldn’t stand her when she was like this.

“My water broke, ten minutes ago!” She told me, gesturing at her jogging pants with her lit cigarette.

Chapter Seventy – Eight of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

It felt odd to be working towards something again.

My brain kept trying to interject and tell me that what I was doing was not work, but my body was so happy to be active again, even if it was just so that I could sit and take money from men who wanted to watch strippers dance for them. As Rhonda had told me before, we all had to start somewhere.

“I don’t know why you’re bothering,” Lisa said. “We get free money every month. Why do you want to work?”

“I just want something to do,”

Lisa shook her head. “What could be better than sitting with me and reading?” She told me. “You be careful around Rhonda, I don’t trust her.”

I didn’t share with Lisa how Rhonda felt about her, nor did I tell her that I needed a break from her. I didn’t want to fight and that would be the only outcome. Trying to balance the relationships I had with people with trying to find balance withing myself was getting to be a lot of work. I was trying not to upset Lisa and at the same time, trying to establish something good for myself. I loved her, I just needed more for me.

Lisa let out a puff of smoke as I continued getting ready for work. “You just think you’re better than the rest of us, that’s all.” She waved her hand. “Not that I blame you. I mean, look at Francis, he thought he was than better than you and that’s why he dumped you.”

I chose not to respond to that comment. I knew that her words weren’t true and that Francis had loved me in his way. I slung my bag over my shoulder. I was wearing a pair of sparkly jean shorts that I had found at the mission and a white mesh tank top. I figured that I would get more tips as a door boy that way.

“Why do you dress like that?” Lisa asked. “I can see your nipples.”

I shrugged. “A lot of men there like looking at my nipples. I’ll be back later.”

She gave me a little wave, and I could not help viewing it as a dismissal. We had had words earlier about her smoking while pregnant. She was almost due. It would be any day now. She had been a little pissy with me afterwards. I knew that some friendships were a lot of work, but she was becoming even more work than usual.

“I read your latest story by the way. It wasn’t as good as your others. You can do better.”

I let out a sigh, grabbed my coat and left. I knew that she was being cruel because my view on her smoking while pregnant had hurt her, but trying to crush my spirit when I was really just beginning to find my own spirit was a low blow. I chose to walk out instead of confronting her. It was easier that way. She often found a way to be right, even when she was in the wrong.

On the walk to Frankies, I just reminded myself of the work that I had done to get to where I was. It wasn’t what I had thought I would end up doing with my life. I’d had plans as a kid in high school to teach drama and act on the stage or screen, becoming a playwright at the same time. I wasn’t living that dream, but I was living this one instead.

 I had come to realize that my road was only just beginning. I had gotten this far and there would be more work to do, but that would come in time. I knew that I was on the right path because I had chosen it for myself. I didn’t want to be afraid anymore.

When I arrived at Frankies, Jake was there to greet me when I entered. “One of the dancers was asking for you. He needs the crotch of his underwear checked before he goes on stage. Don’t want his dick showing before anyone has to pay. You don’t have to touch it, but let me know if can see his cock at all.” He said. “One of the drag queens, too. You’re in demand this evening.” He winked at me and I could feel my cheeks blush, the redness spreading across my face.

“It’s nice to be wanted,” I said. I made my way up the stairs to the second floor to find a drag queen waiting for me at my station. Mizti was fairly new at drag and she totally rocked it. We had bonded one night when she had come up to my floor trying to promote the drag show that was going on at the bottom level. We had become fast friends even though we only saw each other on the nights that I worked.

“Honey, does my makeup look okay?”

She was wearing a blond wig and had done her eyes all exaggerated. They made her look like she was a Japanese animation character, and she had done her lips to match, all big and red. She made a kissy face at me and I laughed.

“Your makeup looks wonderful, very saucy.” I said shyly. I adjusted her wig and gave her the go ahead. “I don’t know why you come to me for my opinion on makeup anyways.”

“Honey, you always tell it like it is. That’s a rare find and it can be so much work to speak and worry about hurting someone else’s feelings. You manage to speak your mind. You tell it like it is, AND you’re a gentleman doing it. Plus, Honey!” She motioned at my outfit and made a gesture at my face. I had applied smoky eye shadow in blues and greys. “You look amazing.”

I sat on my stool and counted out my float for the night. “You’re just saying that.”

She gave me a sour look. “No, I’m not. I mean look at you. The men will be tipping you well tonight, I mean look at those nipples! Look at your hips! I’d kill for hips like that.” She waved a hand with red talonlike nails. “I kid. I wouldn’t want to end up in prison; I’d look horrible in orange.” She let out a sigh and snapped her fingers in front of my face. I looked up from my float. “Good, you’re paying attention. I like when men do that. It’s easier to drop the mic if someone is listening.”

Letting out a chuckle, I put the money back in the till. “Okay, I’m listening. You have my full attention.”

“Good, that’s how I like it. Now listen here. Stop looking to other people for your own self worth.”

“I don’t do that.”

“Yes, you do. You work so hard at holding yourself so rigidly in hopes that, when someone actually notices you, you act like it’s some kind of fucking miracle. Then you keep trying to be what others find attractive. That’s too much work honey. You need to love your body, it’s the only one you will ever have. You can’t wait for other people to love you. You need to love yourself; do you hear what I’m saying?”

I nodded because I did hear her. I knew that there were many different ways that I could see myself and she was right. I tried to be what everyone wanted instead of listening to what I wanted.

“I do, and I’ll try. I promise.”

“Better not be pie crust promise, honey. You are amazing and your whole life is ahead of you. How about we celebrate your newfound resolve by having a drink. I’ll get you a screwdriver. You like those right? They’ll go with my outfit at any rate.” She had dressed in a flowing yellow dress that hugged all of her curves and fell to the floor in a pool of sunlight. She walked away from my station, her high heels clicking on the floor.

A couple of guys came stood in front of me, holding out five-dollar bills so that they could enter to watch the dancers. One of them was wearing a shirt that said “Fellatio is not an opera.” I had no idea what that meant. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you waiting. What’s fellatio?” I asked.

The man dropped a five in my till and another five in my tip jar. He got down on his knees and placed himself between my legs and ran his hands close to my crotch. I let out a laugh that surprised me. I was so nervous and yet, this sound of joy was able to leave my mouth. I was so thankful to this man. His blue eyes looked up at me with thirst, and he gave me a roguish smile.

“Have a good night, boys.” I told them. The music was loud and the air was warm and this man had given me a gift, and I had no words to tell him so.

He stood up, planted a small kiss on my cheek and went into the other room to enjoy the boys.