Category: Personal Growth

The Forest in the Mirror – My Journey with Tarot Collecting

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in Personal Growth, Tarot, Tarot Decks

I don’t think there will ever be a last tarot deck.

I’ve come to realize that as much as I love reading tarot and delving into the mysteries of myself and the journey, I find myself on, I love collecting new tarot decks and other tarot related creations that call to me. With each one I find, be it a deck of Tarot, Oracle, Kiper or Lenormand cards, it’s like I’m finding a part of myself.

Tarot has become a part of how I breathe and that breath changes focus over time. There are times when I feel like I need strong guidance and wise counsel and other times when I need a soft and gentle hand to guide my way. I always find myself going to different decks for different situations. I’ve tried to stick with only one deck, and I did for a while. My first deck was The Ancient Egyptian Tarot. I love the mysticism that Egypt still brings to mind and using those cards was like communicating with a deeper part of my spirit. The Ancient Egyptian Tarot was with me during one of the most difficult times in my life and part of me.

After a break from card slinging, I learned to read tarot again with the Thoth Tarot and after I spent a lot of time with those cards, I needed to find a different path for myself. My path with the Thoth Tarot ended badly, though this had nothing to do with the cards themselves, but the person who taught me to read with them. I wanted to find comfort after a difficult time and knew that I had to walk away from the Toth Tarot. It was too wrapped up in who he was.

After such a bad experience with that was wrapped up within the Thoth Tarot, I needed to walk away from the tarot for a bit. I found myself drawn to The Enchanted Map Oracle by Colette Baron-Reid. They were a revelation at the time and provided me with soft comfort and much needed advice that I needed to turn my mind around and to not just focus on the positive but find a way to let go of the negativity so that I could see the path in front of me clearly. I had no idea that my path would lead me to meet Colette with my friend Christine.

When a friend gave me The Wild Unknown for Christmas, it was like I had found a piece of myself that I had given away a long time ago. I was hesitant picking up another tarot deck after what had happened with the Thoth Tarot. However, after a time with so much darkness, it was like finding light in the shadows, and Kim Krans uses colour to great effect within the art of The Wild Uknown, using the shadow to show how powerful a spot of light or colour can be.

It is the deck that I always return to, no matter how many decks I own. It’s where I feel most at home. The Wild Unknown is the deck that somehow gives me breath in a world where I sometimes don’t feel like I can breathe. I have three cards tattooed on my right shoulder so that I can carry them around with me: the Ace of Wands, Strength and the Ace of Swords. Every day, they remind me what I can create, how I can overcome and what I need to cut away.

Even so, as much as The Wild Unknown holds a part of my spirit, it likes to wander and find itself in new places.  I’m always drawn to find a part of myself in something new and if it has gilding on the edges, I’m gone. I have always been a sucker for shiny things. After experiencing The Wild Unknown, I was drawn into the world of Prisma Visions. The Wild Unknown Tarot helped me through a period of growth where I became completely myself and opened me up to what was possible. The world of Prima Visions Tarot was an explosion of colour that lit up the dark and showed me what my world could look like, and it was a world that I wanted to explore. I felt like with each card that I was being drawn into a world where there was finally balance between the light and the dark. I found those cards when I needed to let myself shine because I didn’t want to hide who I was anymore. Those cards showed me that it was okay.

I could go on, but we would be here for a while. When people ask me how many decks I have, I truthfully don’t know the answer. I would wager somewhere between one-hundred or two. There have been decks that have been sold to others or given away to one of my friends who was in need of a little bit of wisdom, but other than that, they have stayed.

I’ve always thought of Tarot cards like doors, they invite into a world of the artists creation. The person who has created the deck is alive within each card, each pigment, each sword, pentacle, cup or wand. The decks that call to me are often at random or ones I’ve been told about, or I spot them on my journeys in stores (both mortar and online). If I know that the store sells Tarot decks, that’s the first thing I go to look at. I almost always find something to take home.

It’s not about just buying a new deck. There has to be some kind of spark or story, waiting to be unravelled and lived in. I’m a firm believer that Tarot decks are spirit keepers. I write and paint. I know that a little bit of the magic that I create lives inside each of my paintings. My books always hold characters that are parts or pieces of me, every writer does this. Our lives and imagination inspire the rest.

I think that tarot decks are like that, too.  The decks always hold the spirit of their creator. They’ve had that vision, that idea, that story that had to be told with tarot cards. They are world creators, giving their idea a canvas to live out their tale, to hold the energy that they want to imbibe the deck with. Every time I open a new tarot deck that called to me, I am opening a door within myself that has either remained closed, or I didn’t know was there in the first place. I usually sit with a tarot deck, flipping through the cards and letting what I see tell me a story. Then I sit and read the guidebook, so that I can see further into the forest. The guidebook gives me the bones of the deck. It is, after all, the deck creators’ story and vision. They take the forest of cards and help to bring them to life.

My tarot collection of tarot decks has become something more. It’s like each deck is a page in the book that tells my journey, mirroring a different part of my path. It’s a large book that I have compiled, much like a tarot deck that is really a book filled with mirrors. I’ve always used tarot for personal reflection and growth, and each card is a reflection of who I am, that’s how I’ve always seen them at any rate. These decks that have been created with care by so many different deck creators and artists. They may have created a forest to lose myself in, but it’s my intuition that gives me the light to shine through.

Either way, I’ve come to realize that there will always be a new deck that catches my eye and tugs at my spirit. I know this and I’ve come to a good place with it. I know that with each year that passes, there will be many more pages to add to the book of my life. I can’t wait to see where the cards will take me next.

Chapter Thirty-Five – The King of Wands

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Personal Growth

The List Serve fundraising party was in full swing when we arrived.

I was surprised by how many people were there. Almost all of them were Pagan, too. I couldn’t help but notice how openly they wore their spiritualities. I had always been taught that my spiritual beliefs, which ran contrary to Christianity, were something to be ashamed of. I had kept my love of tarot or anything that went against the word of God a secret. It felt like hiding a large part of who I was in the shadows, yet one more thing I had to hide in order to fit in.

Here, there was no judgement. There was only a feeling of joy, clear and present. The air in the room was filled with a subtle hum and the light was bright and clear. I knew that I was entering a room where the majority of people here believed in magic, and that brought me so much comfort and joy. I felt like I was entering a part of my life that I was always going to find, even though I didn’t know I was looking for it. The joy in that moment made the walls that I always kept up around myself dissolve. I was safe here. I was nervous entering a gathering where I didn’t know who the people were, but my spirit recognized them as friends. That had never happened before.

Lisa brought me around to the people she knew and that included most of the room. I could tell that these people genuinely loved her. I was worried the first time that Lisa brought me up to someone she knew and introduced me, but by the third group of people, that nervousness was gone. I knew that it would take me some time to remember everyone’s names, but I knew that each one of them were exactly who they were. The warmth they gave me was honest and true and I knew that I had never been hugged so many times in the space of half an hour.

We headed to the bar and I got myself a beer. Lisa put her arm around my waist and pulled me over to a man that was standing at the bar talking to someone else, a woman with curly auburn hair. She was smoking a cigarette, and I remember the smoke seeming to curl around the sound of her laughter. Lisa tapped on the man’s shoulder, he turned and I felt my world stop for a moment that seemed like forever and an instant of time all at once.

He had dark brown hir that fell to his shoulders. It was spiky and curly all at once. He had blue eyes that looked like the ocean and lips that were drawn out in a smile. I felt self-conscious and wanted to be seen and hide all at the same time. I walked closer to him and the woman he had been speaking to raised her eyebrows at me as if to see what I was made of, and then she gave me a welcoming smile free of malice.

“This is my friend Francis, you know the one that I was telling you about?” Lisa said.

“This is my roommate and friend Stacey,” Francis said.

“Who is going to make herself scarce. Nice to meet you, Jamieson. I’ve heard nothing but good things about you.” She hooked her arm through one of Lisa’s. “Come on, you can buy me a glass of wine.”

I watched Lisa and Stacey walk away and felt a moment of panic mixed with the heady thrill of knowing. This moment was right, I would be okay. I had to trust in spirit. I moved closer to Francis and felt warmth, smelled something soft. Francis smiled at me and I noticed one of his eyetooth was crooked.

“Lisa tells me that you’re quite the writer.”

I felt the blush of warmth inside me and hoped that it didn’t show on my cheeks. “I write a little.” I said.

“More than just a little, I’m told. She’s showed me one of your poems.”

I was aghast to have been so laid bare before this man that I hardly knew but wanted to know so much more of. I reminded myself not to lay myself completely bare in front of him, but I thought that he could see me anyways, the true me that only a few people in my life could see. Francis could see that and he was still smiling. “She shouldn’t have done that.” I said.

“Nonsense,” he said, pulling the paper from his pocket. “It told me so much about you. I’ve read it quite a few times.”

He unfolded the paper, and I could see that it had been folded and unfolded countless times. The folds were starting to wear the paper clean through. I touched my poem, marvelling at the fact that someone had actually read it that many times.

I watched as he folded the poem again and then placed it back in his pocket. I followed the motion of his arm and watched as his shoulders relaxed. Though he was dressed in dark colours, he gave off a light and a warmth that I could feel from where I stood. I just wanted to bask in that fire he gave out. His presence was beyond his body and I could feel him even though we weren’t touching.

I knew that Lisa meant for the two of to talk about being raped in our pasts, that she felt that it would offer some kind of healing. I just didn’t want to talk about any of that. I wanted to learn all I could about Francis. It seemed like he had the same idea.

“Lisa says that you were hurt, too. That you carry a lot of scars. I do, too. I’m sorry that anyone ever hurt you.” He reached out and gently took my right hand, rubbed the pad of his thumb across my knuckles. “We can talk about that later, but tonight I just want to get to know you. Would that be okay?”

I nodded and felt the warmth emanating from him increase. “That would be lovely,” I said and when the blush came, filling up my cheeks with colour, I didn’t do anything to hide my face.

Me Times Three

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in Personal Growth, Tarot Decks, Uncategorized

I’ve had the honour of appearing in two Tarot decks and will be appearing in another one. In the Harley Spencer Tarot, I’m on the 5 of Cups extra card and in the Tower Takeover Tarot by Kaylani Perisho, I’m the Page of Wands. In an upcoming Tarot deck by Lucy Moringstar and Theresa Reed, I’ve been made the King of Wands. It’s interesting when I look at all three cards together. They form a journey of sorts and they are three different parts of me and my journey.

The 5 of Cups shows me trying to get the old feelings out of a bottle of ketchup that’s ladled old feelings. I love what Harley Spencer has done with his card as it gives it more substance. It gives this card hope in that I can actually get rid of the feelings that I’ve been holding on to and that have been holding me back. At the time when she put me on this card, I was actually wrestling with letting go of old feelings left by an abusive relationship.

The Page of Wands shows me falling from the Tower, my Wand adrift with the fire, as I fall to the ground. What will await me when I reach the ground? Will I be able to get up and start again? I love the fact that this card reads so differently with the Tower as the backdrop. Typically, the Page of Wands is just beginning a journey of creativity and discovery. In this card, I’ve let go of my Wand and my creative spirit and have to work at getting it back. This actually happens more often than I would want, especially when it comes to self confidence.

Finally, the King of Wands shows me smiling proud with my familiars: a lion, a wolf and a salamander. The King of Wands is full of light and the wisdom with which to use that light for a greater purpose. He’s wise and knows himself and trusts in his creative spirit. He’s kind and a fair ruler, able to inspire others simply by giving into his craft and creating. He is a man who knows his own spirit and is comfortable in his own skin.

All three cards are pieces of who I am and the steps that I’ve taken to get here. I’m so very proud to be on these three cards. I love how all three cards show the path that I’ve taken to becoming myself and the person I am today.

The 5 of Cups and Letting Go

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in Personal Growth, Tarot Dreams

It has always been a dream of mine to end up on a tarot card, I just never thought it would happen.

Earl this year, I fell in love with the Harley Spenser Tarot Deck. I have a short review to come, but I loved the cards and how vibrant they are. Harley Spenser makes very deck by hand and it takes her up to three days to make one of her decks.

I got both the Harley Spenser Tarot Deck and the Bad Ass Tarot Deck. They are both fabulous and I love how they take the cards that I know but force me to think about them differently. They have deepened my relationship with tarot and the journey that I am on with the cards. They are also so much fun!

Harley was running a contest to appear on one of her cards. Well, I had my husband take a few photos and sent them in. Harley later contacted me to tell me that the pictures I had sent were perfect and that I was going to be on the card! To say that I was ecstatic was an understatement of epic proportions.

The card was the 5 of Cups. I thought of all the cards I would end up on, I did not resonate with the 5 of Cups but I really took a look at it. She had placed “Old Feelings” on the ketchup bottle that I held.

The 5 of Cups can be a difficult card to get in a reading. It symbolizes mourning and emotional adjustment, regret and disappointment. However, Harley Spenser really took a different look at the card. It’s about letting go of the old feelings that we hold on to and actively deciding to get rid of them, let them go and to move on and fill your body and bottle full of new healthy emotions.

I realized that this was the perfect card for me to end up on. I grew up in an abusive home and have weathered several abusive relationships. I have been working on viewing myself in a different way and have been trying to let go of the thoughts that those abusers left within me. The feelings of not being good enough, of not being attractive. Even though I was able to get free of the relationship, I was still carrying the negative emotions within me.

I was thrilled to have ended up on this card! When Harley Spenser sent me a card in the mail, holding it was an unreal experience. I was on a tarot card! What’s more, it represented me in ways that I hadn’t before realized. I have continued to work on letting go of old feelings and negativity. I got a few extra copies of my card and I keep one on my altar and one propped up on my desk when I write.

It’s good to have the reminder to let things go!

Check out The Harley Spenser Tarot Deck HERE.

Buy my 5 of Cups card HERE!

The Path of Tarot

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in Personal Growth

I came back to tarot in an odd way.

When I was hit with Multiple Sclerosis in January of 2013, I was lost within myself. For the longest time, I didn’t know what was wrong with me or how to cope with it. The shadows came and I found myself in a dark forest of depression.

I had to learn to walk again and speak again, I even had to wait for my vision to clear as I had gone temporarily blind. It was a long uphill battle which I almost lost. When I was able to find my way out of the dark forest, I knew that I had to find a way to heal my spirit, just as I had been trying to heal my body and my mind.

I took a few workshops on spiritual development and ended up having a tarot reading on Halloween. I had read tarot cards back in my teens and walked away from them. Finding them again was an awakening.

Within the seventy-eight cards, I found windows into my soul and my spirit. I began drawing cards every day and began to use them as part of my spiritual healing process. Within the cards, I saw pieces of myself and as I got to know them, I used the cards to put myself together again.

I write about this whole experience in my memoir Little Yellow Magnet which is the whole journey that I took to finding myself after waking up in one morning in December of 2012 with Multiple Sclerosis.  You can find that memoir HERE.

Finding the tarot again when I did was no accident. I’ve come to learn that fate has a way of steering us in the right direction, whether we realize it or not. I’ve continued to read every day for myself and for others and tarot has become such a large part of my life, not to mention my every growing tarot deck collection.

I am still walking on my path and discovering new things about myself with every step that I take. Tarot is like the signposts along the path marking the progress that I’m making. Every card that I pull every day is a mark along the road. I can look back upon those cards and realize how far I’ve come.

As I continue with tarot and the joy it brings me, I try to bring joy into the lives of other people by helping them with their personal growth. None of us are perfect and there is always work that we can do on ourselves. It’s always my focus to use tarot to help others on their journey as much as tarot helped me on my own.