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Chapter Thirty-Three: The Princess of Wands

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir

Lisa’s stepson Paul was in a relationship with a woman named Karla. She was far too thin, more skeleton than woman. It’s what I noticed about her first. The other thing I noticed was that she had a lazy eye like I did. It was as if I had found one of the others marked by spirit.

I often thought that people with lazy or wandering eyes could see into two worlds at once and that was certainly true of Karla. She was completely free. I often wonder where she came from. It was as if a spark floated down through the air and when it hit the ground, Karla came to be. She had that air of fleeting movement about her even when she was standing still.

She wore her black hair like a curtain that her eyes just peeked out from behind and when she saw me, her eyes brightened. The first time I met her, Karla caught me off guard when she came right up to me and wrapped her arms around me in a surprisingly strong hug filled with warmth. When broke the embrace, she looked at me with green eyes that shone like amber flecked with light.

“Well, all right then!” She gave me another quick squeeze. “Don’t you feel like you’re just waking up?”

“I woke up a few hours ago.”

“No, I mean in here.” She lightly tapped my chest. “In here. I feel like I’ve just started coming into myself, you know?” Karla looked at me and it was as if I could feel her reaching into me through my eyes so that she could know all of me. “You’ve been on your journey a lot longer than me, haven’t you?” She gave me a quizzical look. “Your spirit has been travelling for a long time; a lot longer than you know.”

She trailed out onto the front porch and lit up a duMaurier, lighting another and handing it to me. “Have you known Lisa for long?”

“I just met her a few months ago,” I told her.

“But it feels like you’ve known her forever, right?” She nodded as if I had already spoken. “Just like you. I feel like we’re kindred spirits.”

“You just met me.” I say, wishing I could the words back already. I was trying not to have my guard up so much. I didn’t need to protect myself from everyone. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry? You don’t have anything to be sorry about. But don’t you feel it?” She nods her head again, looking at me hopefully.

To my surprise, I did. There was just a lightness about her that wanted to pull me in and the scent around her was the loveliest incense, like sage and cedarwood. She smelled of smoke and flowers. I nodded back at her and her scent somehow grew larger and reminded me of the smell of campfire. She brought joy and innoncence with her; I could see and sense that right away.

I smiled despite my want to keep myself guarded against people. It was my natural inclination after everything I had been through and yet, with Karla, there was kinship right away. I was reminded of Anne of Green Gables and her friend Diana Bishop. It just felt like it was meant to be, with no pretense or build up. Karla was giving me the opportunity to see the world in a different way by engaging with it rather than hiding from it.

I wanted to take the plunge.

Lisa was all about taking life by it’s balls and either cutting them off and using them in a spell or squeezing them until they turned blue and she got her way. That was her power. Karla’s power was different.

She helped you to see the best of yourself, despite what had happened to you. Even though I carried shadows within, her brightness helped me to see not only through but past them. Karla made me thirsty for the future in front of me.

I had never thought of my future before, only the present moment that I found myself in, the minute, hour the day. I never thought of tomorrow. Karla’s power helped me to finally believe that a tomorrow was possible for me.

Chapter Thirty-Two – The Prince of Wands

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir

Lisa thought the perfect time for me to meet Francis would be at the next Pagan get together.

“It’s like a dance party talent show,” she told me with a twinkle in her eyes. “I told Francis all about you and now you two can meet and heal your wounds a little.”

“I don’t see why all of this is necessary,” I told her.

“Because you’re too afraid to think of how it might help in the future. You’re so focused on the now. You’re too much in the moment.”

“That’s all I have.” I said. “Thinking that way has always done me well.”

“You need to think of the possibilities,” Lisa told me. “You can’t just stay in the now. You’re going to miss something if you do.”

She told me that I had to think of a talent. “You were in drama, right? So how about you do a monologue? That could be fun.”

In truth, I had loved dramatic arts, and I loved to write monologues. They were a solo performance or speech that was supposed to bring you into the moment and make you feel something. They were also done on their own, so it suited me fine when I was in dramatic arts in high school or theatre classes in university. I loved the singleness of them; I was able to be on stage and I didn’t need to depend on anyone else to learn their lines. Plus, the light shone on me. I could be in the spotlight if I was someone else.

“Why don’t you do a monologue about the misunderstandings that people have about being Pagan? That could be a fun angle.”

I decided to run with the idea and began writing things I’d like to say in my piece. I knew that others would be singing, telling jokes, reding a story they had written, that kind of thing. The event raised money for an online chat board. I didn’t have a computer and had not been on the internet for years, so I had never used it. However, I thought of what Lisa had said about putting myself out there and living for a bit. I thought of The Hermit card the tarot and I thought I had been charging my light for too long.

It I looked at it within me, I could see clear across the forest to the fields beyond. Every blade of grass in the garden of my mind was as clear as day. I was tired of keeping my light in the darkness and shadows because I was afraid of being seen. I had to let the light out eventually. I used to love being watched on stage, the laughter that my part would create or the fear and joy. I loved being able to create emotions in other people and I don’t know when that joy stopped for me. What Lisa was asking me to do was to step out of the shadows and to let my light shine.

I was terrified of speaking in front of other people again, of being seen, but I also wanted to be seen. I couldn’t hide forever. I tried to think of what I would say about Paganism and thought that going at it from a funny angle would be best. I loved comedy, so I would do my monologue from a place of humour. Once I had a focus, it was like the words came pouring out of me. I filled page after page with words and once that was done, I read them over and saw some things I liked and some I didn’t.

Though I had always written, I hadn’t written a play or a scene for years. I loved the shaping of the words and it was like I was trying to find my way again. I went out for a break and a cigarette and took my pages with me. Lisa was already outside and she handed me a smoke. “What do you got?”

“I think I have something.” I said.

“Do you feel like practicing?” Lisa asked me.

I read out a little bit of my piece and was surprised when Lisa laughed. I looked up at her shocked.

“Don’t look at me like a deer in the headlights. That was funny! You’ve got this, Jamieson. You have to start believing in yourself, but your young yet.” She took a drag off her cigarette. “You’ve got time. You can’t be afraid to shine, Jamieson. You have to hold your head up high and not hide yourself. You shine too brightly for that.”

I shook my head. “I don’t though.”

“Don’t what?”

“Shine.” I said. “I don’t shine.”

“You should if you let yourself.” She butted out her cigarette. “Come on, let’s hear it again. This time, don’t be so hesitant. Lean into the jokes. You’ve written something really great here. We can trim it back so that it works better.”

I thought of the opportunity to shine underneath the comfort of a light again and nodded, looking down at my words and tried to let my light shine brighter with each word I spoke. I could no longer be afraid of myself.

Chapter Thirty-One – 10 of Wands

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir

Content Warning: This chapter deals with the subject and details of a sexual assault.

The house was always filled with other people.

Lisa’s stepson Paul was helpful but was lost in the woes of being young and misunderstood. Her roommate Frank was a tall thin man with a long goatee and coke bottle lenses in his glasses so that it looked his eyes were mere like shiny green beetles. His hair was frazzled and I wondered if he exited merely on coffee and cigarettes. Lisa’s boyfriend Carl visited fairly often and I wasn’t sure how well they got along. It looked to me like he was trying to hold on to flame and wasn’t sure what to do with the bright fire.

There were always people coming over and they would stay for a coffee or sit with Lisa in her backyard smoking cigarettes or pot. Sometimes, song would break out when someone started to sing, or the music of laugher blessed the air. Lisa’s home was a place of freedom and there were a lot of people that felt as comfortable there as I did. Her home was an ever-moving tapestry of people, and it was hard finding a moment alone, if at all.

I read a lot and ventured into the solace of words to get some private time. I found comfort in books by Charles de Lint, Christopher Moore, Anne Rice, Stephen King and Tanya Huff. My reading tastes had no boundaries, and I read everything that I could. When I read, I could find solace in a world that held so much, and I didn’t know how to find my place in it.

If the days were filled with people, the evenings were more so. Paul would bring by his girlfriends, Frank sometimes brought someone over and if Carl was staying the night, I would sleep on the couch so that Lisa and Carl could share her bedroom. I tried to cocoon myself as much as I could. I spent a lot of time with the other people that came by Lisa’s, but I cherished the moments that I spent alone within another world contained in pages of a book, or staring up at the night sky and wondering about the journey that the stars had taken so that we could see them.

One evening, Lisa and I actually found ourselves alone. The sky was dark, and the night was warm. We were both smoking a cigarette and reading our books in the light from the kitchen. The air was warm against my skin, and I relished the silence of the night, only broken by the sound of a nearby mosquito.

I could feel Lisa’s eyes on me and I turned to face her. I could tell from the set of her gaze that she was about to ask a very serious question. She had that kind of face that always told me where the conversation was about to turn. I admired that about her. Lisa never thought to hide anything of herself from me.

“I’m going to ask you a serious question and I hope you aren’t offended. I know we’ve talked about it a little here and there, but never full out in the open. I called you a warrior witch when we first met. What battles have you fought? Who drew first blood?”

I shook my head, watching a stray wisp of smoke disappear in front of my eyes. “I don’t understand what you mean.”

“You don’t date. You just sleep around, and you don’t look for anything more, or you choose guys that you know are bad for you.” I’d been wondering when she would bring this up. I had told her about what had happened with Shades. “What gives?”

I think it was those two simple words which were able to break open the dam that I had kept under lock and key for such a long time. In that moment, I took a breath and looked at the smoke rising from my cigarette as it floated into the sky and away from me.

“It’s easier that way.” I told her. “I came out of the closet when I went to university, did I ever tell you that? I finally felt like I was free to be myself away from everyone that had know me and had expectations of the way I should live my life.”

I couldn’t look at Lisa. I knew that if I did, the spell would be broken and the words would dry up, too afraid to be seen as well as heard. I knew that if I wanted the words to come out, I had to look away. “It was the first guy I ever went on a date with. The first date went well. He took me out for coffee. His name was Mickey, and he was hairdresser. We talked about art and creativity, and we really clicked.”

Lisa didn’t anything, but she put her hand on my right knee to comfort me. In her own way, Lisa was letting me know that it was okay, that my words were safe here shared between the two of us and the comfort of the night. “He picked me up for a second date and he took me to his friend Wendy’s place. He kept giving me beer to drink and I was having fun. The fun took a hiccup when I blacked out for a bit. I remember Mickey picking me up off the floor and he took me into the hallway to walk it off.”

I could feel Lisa’s hand getting warmer. I took comfort from that warmth, and it made the cold I felt from that long ago night that I still carried with me lessen a little bit. It was as if she were trying to fight against the ferocity of the memory with the power of her touch. “I don’t know how, but we ended up in the stairwell. He was kissing my neck and then he turned me around, so I was facing the wall and pulled down my pants. I was so out of it, but I had enough sense to ask him what he was doing. He told me he was going to fuck me.”

I let those words hang in the air for a moment. I had never told anyone this before, had never spoken of what had happened to send me into the downward spiral that I had went through during my time at university. I hadn’t talked to any of the therapists or my friends and family. I held onto the shame so that it was mine alone.

“Afterward, we walked back into the apartment, and everyone was whistling at us and I couldn’t help grinning. It was only later that night as I lay in bed in my dorm room that I realized I had been raped.”

I heard the click of a lighter and Lisa passed me another cigarette. Mine had gone to ash. I flicked the butt into the ashtray and took the new cigarette. I drew in a breath of smoke and let it go free. I knew that tears marked my face, I could feel the wetness on my cheeks. Lisa squeezed my knee.

“You really have to meet my friend Francis. He’s gay and he was a rape victim, too. Sometimes, it’s good to talk about what happened to you with someone else who understands what it’s like, you know? You can help each other heal.”

We were silent after that with only the sound of the mosquitoes and the meow of a stray cat from across the street to fill the absence of sound.

The Symbols of Jennifer Cooper Steidley – A Tarot Disassembled Deck Review

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in Tarot, Tarot Books, Tarot Deck Reviews, Tarot Decks

I’m convinced that Jennifer Cooper Steidley is a Symbol Goddess.

I’ve been a longtime fan of her independently released works including Tarot Disassembled, Tarot Assembled and The Symdala Tarot. They are wonders of symbolic imagery held within the tarot and given a new light and life. They take the Rider Waite Smith Tarot, perhaps the most famous tarot deck, and break every card down into the symbols that each card holds.

The decks are full of symbols, and you’d think that would difficult to read with, but it shows us the pieces and players each Tarot card holds and the energy within. What’s more, her cards let us move them around to tell our own story. Tarot Disassembled helps us take a look at the tarot cards we know so well by breaking each card down to the symbols they contain.

Tarot Assembled breaks down the symbols even more by giving us a gorgeous pallet of colour. I can’t be the only one who responds in a different way for different colours. I feel morose or thoughtful when I see grey, joyous when I see yellow, thoughtful when I see green.  Steidley has each let us gaze not upon a card full of symbols, but one single symbol that the Tarot contains. Tarot Assembled has us take a look at the tree that makes up the Tarot and in contemplating the single symbol, we can put the Tarot we know back together.  

The Symdala Tarot takes the symbolic journey of the Tarot even further and creates a mandala out of each card. These mandalas give you space to pause, reflect and see even deeper into what the cards mean. What’s more, the words around the edge of each card and the symbols within these circular cards create windows and portals into different parts of ourselves. The cards ask that we meditate upon the images and words that the card holds and I love that about them.

I love the guidebooks that come with each of the decks. They are compendiums of the symbols to be found within and what these symbols mean. They are a wealth of information and knowledge and each time I open one and delve in, I find myself happily lost in a world of words and symbols.  I love how Steidley has given me a new way to look within the cards that I know so well and see something new even though I’ve been using the RWS Tarot for years now.

Case in point: I was drawing a card for myself from the Symdala Tarot the other night. I have been going through some health issues and wasn’t surprised to draw the 9 of Wands. What intrigued me was the bandage at the centre of the symbolic mandala. I had never seen a band-aid in the 9 of Wands. I went to my RWS and found the corresponding 9 of Wands card and right there on the man’s head was a bandage. I stopped and looked at the card from the Symdala Tarot and the RWS side by side and I really appreciated how Steidley took a card I knew so well and helped me to see something new within it. It’s like this every time when I’m using her cards.

I was beyond thrilled to hear that Tarot Dissembled was being published by Weiser. I love this deck so much because it started me on my journey of looking deeper within the cards. When I first started using the independently published Tarot Disassembled, I would draw a card and find myself being drawn to a particular symbol. Even through the symbols were all separated, if I followed them, they told a story. When I would read with other decks that were based off the RWS Tarot, I would see symbols that Steidley had brought out into the light. I’m can see the symbols so much more clearly.

More than that, she helped me to fall in love with the Tarot again because she made its language simpler to understand. After so many years of reading Tarot cards, things can start to seem a little boring. I sometimes lose my enthusiasm about Tarot, like everything else in life. Sometimes you need a break. I love all of my decks (and there are a lot of them) but there’s just something about going back to Tarot Dissambled that gives me a reset and much needed reboot. Having the symbols laid out for me reveals the language that Tarot uses to communicate. The decks by Jennifer Cooper Steidley are all like this, but Tarot Disassembled has a special place in my heart because it’s where I first saw the skeleton of each card through the images that she created.

Tarot Disassembled brought so much light into my life and not just because of the symbols that were finally given the limelight they deserved. The whole deck is a fabulous riot colour and it was my hope that when the Wieser version of Tarot Disassembled was published that it would honour the spirit of the deck I knew so well.

Thankfully, the Red Wheel/Weiser Books edition of Tarot Disassembled is just as amazing as the independently published version of the deck. The cardstock is lovely, the matte finish whispery and the yellow edges are amazing. My favourite colour is purple, so I was thrilled beyond words to find out that it had been added to the colour pallet of the cards. It was a joy to go through a deck that I knew so well to see if I could spot the differences in the cards.

I think what I love most is the fact that the Red Wheel/Weiser Books edition of Tarot Disassembled preserved the heart and spirit that makes the deck so special. The guidebook is still the wonderful grimoire of symbols, legend and lore and the cards are spectacular. I’ve got my first and second edition of the Tarot Disassembled, and they are thrilled to welcome their new sibling.

The Tarot Disassembled deck and guidebook by Jennifer Cooper Steidley and published by Red Wheel/Weiser Books is absolute magic.

You can learn mor about Jennifer by visiting her website here: https://www.jennifersteidley.com/

Chapter Thirty – 9 of Wands

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir

I was tired the next morning.

I had a fitful night sleeping on the floor in Lisa’s bedroom. I was exhausted from all the changes that had happened in my life over such a short period of time. Lisa tried to get me out of myself. I found it hard to show enthusiasm about much of anything and I missed Sunshine and the life I had before.

During my time away from the streets, I had aged out of the Youth Services Bureau when I turned eighteen. It’s not that I couldn’t go back, but I was not allowed to stay. I was too old and the fact that I could never go back to that part of my life filled me with a malaise I couldn’t name. I was constantly being asked to change, to adapt, to embrace. I was being asked to move forward, but I wasn’t sure how.

“You have to stop holding on to everything,” Lisa said. “It’s not healthy. You need to focus on the now.”

We were sitting out front of her apartment having a cigarette. She didn’t often give me life advice, but she was the queen of living in the now. “Who knows what the future holds? You can’t imagine the worst that is yet to come. You’ve got enough on your mind, I can see that. You don’t do well with change.”

I thought of all the changes I had experienced in my life in the past while and thought I had done pretty well with change and told her so. “You haven’t lived my life.”

“I know I haven’t,” she said. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t see. You are walking around all world weary but you’re at the age where you are supposed to be experiencing life. C’mon, get your cards.”

I sighed, put out my cigarette and went to my purple backpack to retrieve my tarot cards and brought them back outside. Lisa motioned at me and said “Well, you know what to do. Shuffle and draw.”

Shuffling the cards, I thought about all the changes I had been through and the weight I was carrying and how to let go of it. I drew the 9 of Wands. It showed four men trying to shift the weight of a statue, but he wasn’t doing so alone. There were others helping him to shift the weight so that they could move the statue.

“See?”

“See what?” I asked her, not sure what she was getting at.

“You carry the weight of your journey, but you are being reminded that you don’t have to do it alone.”

“I always have,” I told her.

“Then maybe it’s time you don’t. I can carry some of your weight, Sophie will help. You have friends on the streets and in the Pagan community and we’re all with you because we know you.” She lit another cigarette. “Didn’t I tell you that you were a warrior witch? It’s because you know how to fight your battles, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t ask for help. You don’t have to do everything on your own or fight battles all the time. You should let people in and let them help you.”

I thought about what she said. “I’ve been taught to do everything on my own.”

“Just because that’s the way you were taught doesn’t mean that you have to live that way all of your life. It must be so exhausting. I couldn’t do everything on my own. I have Paul and my roommate Frank to help me when I need it and my boyfriend Carl when he’s here in town. You don’t have to do everything on your own, Jamieson.” She motioned at the card. “Let someone else hold the Wands for once.”

I looked again at the card and saw that without the other people in the card the man trying to move the statue would never have gotten it done. Was I making my life more difficult for myself by trying to do everything on my own?

I would have to decide what to do, whether or not I was able to let anyone else into my life the way that Lisa was talking about. I was tired, but proud. Was I too proud to accept help and support from other people? I looked at the man within the 9 of Wands and knew that I would need to change my habits.

“Look, I can see from your face that you are going deep into yourself. Come out with me tonight? We’re going to go and play pool.”

“I suck at pool.”

“So do I, but that’s not the point. The point is that sometimes, we have to laugh at ourselves to that we can find a way forward. Sound good?”