Want – Spirit of the Wolf

I had been spending a lot of time with a friend I had met a few weeks ago. I’d needed to get a break from Lisa as I thought about how to go about finding my way forward. It’s something I’ve never been very good at. When I make a decision, it’s time to move regardless of timing or circumstance.

When I met Rhonda, I knew right away that she was a spitfire and a flame. She didn’t take, but she burned so brightly. She lived life to her own drum and didn’t give two shits about what people thought about her. She carried her four feet nine-inch frame with grace and wasn’t afraid to sashay, when need be, on five-inch heels that she should actually walk in. I had tried once and fallen on my face.

Rhonda was part of the Pagan community. She had come to one of the Pagan brunches and made a beeline right for me. “You gotta play with the gays, honey,” she said, bumping my butt with hers.

She was a solitary witch and knew all about Lisa. Rhonda lived down the street from Lisa, and I would often see her as I walked around the neighbourhood. Lisa would pretend like she wasn’t there.

I would watch the two of them interacting at Pagan brunches and saw no love there between them though they hugged like everyone else did. I watched as they kept their bodies from touching each other when they embraced. The dislike was mutual and very apparent to everyone around them.

I had asked Lisa about the animosity that I saw between them and her eyes narrowed in dislike. “Stay away from her,” she said, pointing at me with her cigarette, the red cherry at the end of like a flaming period. I actually stepped back from her; I had never felt such a wave of dislike. “You don’t want to have anything to do with her, understand?”

Nodding, I bristled inwardly. I didn’t like anyone dictating to me what to feel. It wasn’t that I disliked it when someone offered genuine help or guidance, but I took offense at the directness of her telling me what to do. I did the only thing that felt right to me: I went to see Rhonda.

I had never walked away from Lisa, it felt like I was starting a new path for myself and I didn’t know what I was doing, but I knew what I wanted to do. Rhonda was waiting for me when I arrived at her building and went into the foyer. It was an old house that had been converted into apartments, just like Lisa’s house. I heard a door open above me and then Rhonda’s voice. “Come on up honey, the tea is steeping.”

I went up the stairs to the third floor and she was there, holding out her arms for an embrace and an air kiss. “Come on in. You’ve got something on your mind; I can see it, you know?”

I followed her inside and for a moment, it felt like I was making a deal with the darkness by venturing inside of her home. She was a complete opposite to Lisa who wore whatever she could get for free, so it was always a hodgepodge of styles and always spoke about embracing the light. Rhonda was clothed in black leather, lace and fishnet stockings, make up and talked strongly about honouring the shadow as much as the light. It was fair to say that Rhonda fascinated me.

“Come, sit and be merry.” She passed me a cigarette and poured me a cup of tea. “Spill.”

I sat on her couch and my lap was immediately occupied by her fluffy grey cat Shadow. He purred up a storm and was head butting me for love and affection, so I gladly gave him some pets. I knew that pets could sense unease and upset and were known to be good healers. I pet Shadow’s fur and he purred louder when I gave him a scratch behind the ears.

“I think I need something different.”

“Of course you do. You’ve already thought a lot about it. I can tell you’re almost there. Let me here your thoughts.”

Rhonda was like this. I had watched her with others in the community. She helped others work through their shit, whether the other people wanted to or not. She could pull out a problem that the people she was trying to help weren’t even aware of. It was kind of creepy to a lot of other people how right Rhonda was, so she was often on her own. I didn’t feel that way about her and sought out her company.

It was why I had come to see her after all.

“I need a solution.”

“And what’s the problem?”

I shrugged. “I’m bored. I don’t want to sit around anymore. I need my own place and I want a bed. Am I being selfish?”

“Honey, no. You’ve been camping out on her floor for a long time now. I’m surprised you lasted as long as you did. It’s not wrong to want a fucking bed. I mean, at least you had a bed at the shelter. They had nothing else to give you, but at least you had a fucking bed.”

I nodded and held onto those words. “I mean, she has given me a home when I didn’t have one.”

“Honey, you sleep on her fucking floor like a dog. That’s not a home. It’s not wrong to want a space of your own. You need room to grow and you’re not going to grow when you’re planted there.”

I wiped away the tears when they came. “It feels like I’m betraying her by wanting something more.”

“You only want what you deserve. And it’s good that you’re fucking bored. I’d be bored as fuck all if I sat around reading books, playing Mario Kart and smoking cigarette’s all day.”

She put a hand on mine. “I know that it’s hard. You have come to realize that you want more. It’s not that you’ve outgrown the friendship, but you have outgrown the living situation. You’ve been holding yourself so tightly, Jamieson. You have to let yourself go a bit.”

I let out a watery laugh. “I’ve been working on it, I really have.”

She patted my hand and took a sip of her tea. “I know you have. You have dealt with so much hardship in your life that you’re thankful for any amount of kindness, even if it’s no longer kind to yourself.”

Lighting a cigarette, she looked for a moment as if a lightbulb had gone off in her eyes. “And I think I know just the thing to help. What are you doing tonight?”

I shook my head. “Nothing. Finishing my book, looking at the stars.”

Letting out a snort, she butted out her cigarette and got up. “Not with me, you’re not. Hold on a second.” She went to her bedroom and came back wearing a flowing black skirt and a green sparkly crop top.

“We’re going out.” She said.

You formed a lot of connections on the streets.

Its like anywhere, really. There are people in your life that are good for you, people that lift you up. There are also those that would take you down and try to keep you there. You had to watch yourself around those people. It didn’t matter where you were, there were always those that would try to hold you back.

However, there were other people that always had your back, the connection between you was more than friends; you were family.

It was like that with Sunshine.

His mother Sarah kept hinting that Sunshine and I should start dating, that we would make a cute couple. There were a lot of others that thought he and I were dating. I can honestly say that the thought never really crossed my mind. I didn’t think of him that way and he didn’t see me as a romantic prospect either. Yet, I loved him as if we were dating. He was my ride and die. Whether we were out together, or with a bunch of other family, he had become my touchstone. Sunshine filled my life with light. He lit up the lives of so many others around him. It was his way, and I was honoured to be part of his life. It was as simple as that.

Other connections weren’t as simple. We sat in our room, smoking and talking. Or rather, Sunshine talked with his new romantic interest. Shale had neon blue hair and pale skin and there was something exotic about him. He looked out at the world with an open curiosity. Right now, that curiosity was focused on Rainbow. They sat together in the window, and I watched the smoke from their cigarettes floating out into the night air. I wondered if the smoke contained their emotions or the words that remained unspoken between them. I could feel the palpable desire between the two of them. I felt like I was in the middle of something, even though I wasn’t sitting anywhere near them. I could see the connection between Sunshine and I, but I could see the new connection between Shale and him. It shone brighter than the stars in the night sky.

I excused myself quietly and went into the living room to sit and write, read, anything to distract myself from what was going on in the other room. Sunshine always opened his arms wide welcoming anyone into his bubble. I had the opposite problem.

Dan and Mike came into the kitchen looking for food. Dan was shirtless and there was a tattoo of a star on one of his elbows. “Why are you out here?”

Their cat Squeak came into the living room and when she saw me she gave a happy meow and got up on the couch and onto my lap. “Sunshine has company,” I told them.

“I see! At least he’s being quiet this time.” Dan said. Then they heard a loud moan coming from Sunshine’s bedroom. “I spoke too soon.”

I looked at the connection that shone between the two of them. There was even a thin, sparkling chain that connected the three of us though they couldn’t bee it. It shone softly in the half light of the apartment.

“Want to see something naughty?” Mike said. “Come on.”

“What, you want to watch him again?” Dan said. “You know that he knows we’re watching.”

The cockroaches skuttled away from his with soft clicking as we made our way into the kitchen. “Come here,” Mike said. “Get a good view.” He motioned me to the window that we had in the kitchen. I went and stood between Mike and Dan and they guided my eyes to an apartment across the alleyway.

We could all see the man lying naked in his bed. I could see the glow of the television on his body and watched as he played with his hard cock. He was well built and hairy and gorgeous to take in. I looked in shock at Mike and Dan.

“Does he do this a lot?” I asked.

“Almost every night since we moved here.”

The man across the way gave us all a quick look as if he could hear us whispering. The man gave us a wink and began to stroke himself. He knew he had an audience now and he was enjoying the show. I wondered what it would be like to be free enough to show myself in such a way instead of holding myself together so tightly.

As the man in the room across the alleyway worked himself towards finishing up, Mike moved closer to Dan and Dan put his arm around my shoulder. We stood there looking at someone in the throws of pleasure, a thin chain stretching across the alleyway to man who lay naked on his bed, all connected in that moment of carnal lust.

The air was alive with heat and the promise of something more. I could feel Squeak rubbing at my legs and I picked her up, knowing that I was connected to her at that moment, too. I listened to the moans coming from the bedroom closest to us and the bedroom across the alleyway and it sounded like some kind of beautiful music of lust and longing.

I lay there on the living room couch afterwards, filled with both.

Tag: Want

Chapter Sixty-Seven – Five of Pentacles

Chapter Fifteen – The Devil