Tag: Tarot

Chapter Seven – The Chariot

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide

I spent a lot of time at the YSB.

It was a home away from home really and gave me a place to get away from Shades when he was in one of his moods which was happening more and more lately.

The YSB was a haven of safety in a world that felt new and frightening. It was a place where the waters seemed to stand still around me and I didn’t feel like I was going to be taken out to sea. Whenever I was with Shades or out on the streets, I hear the steady ebb, flow and wave of water around me and within. My emotions were uncertain of where this path would take me. The waters only calmed when I put pen to paper.

I had taken a notepad and pen with me when I left home and I had taken to writing in it when I found myself lost. I would often go through the tarot deck that my brother had given me and wrote down my thoughts about certain cards within the Ancient Egyptian Tarot. It helped me to understand them. The scratching of the pen would calm the waves, and it was like the words were leading me home to myself.

I would sit in one of the chairs at the YSB, talking to friends, reading books that I found on the bookshelves, delving further into my tarot deck and writing. Interspersed through the nots about tarot and my thoughts, I would write poems, casting my words like stones upon the paper.

Words had been my comfort for so long. I had found my way in the world through them, and I had written voraciously since I was a child. I had to write; it was the way I found my voice when I felt that I didn’t have one. All throughout high school, my writing gave me the comfort I needed. I didn’t even realize I wanted to be a writer, or that I was one. Writing and words were just part of who I was. My pen had been quiet, but I had begun to take the journal out from time to time. There were only a handful of pages left, and I had to keep my writing small, but even so, they came out in a small torrent, and they carried me along, letting me know that they had my back, much like my cards. The words let me know that spirit was always there.

I looked at the pages left in my journal and wondered what I would fill those pages with, what words would fall out of me and find their way together.

One of the workers of the Youth Services Bureau stopped by my table, a woman named Rebecca. I later found out that all of the people that worked there were social workers. They were some of the very best people in my life at the time. They took care of me, each in their different way. Some would sit outside with us while we smoked cigarettes and others would walk around making sure we had food, or we had been able to take a shower.

She gave me a kind look. “What are you reading?”

“It’s my journal. I’ve been writing in it, but I’m running out of room.”

“Well, that’s awful,” she said. “You don’t want to stop a story or a poem in midsentence.”

I shrugged and gave her a weak smile. “There’s not much I can do. I’m running out of paper.”

She looked at my face and she could see the longing there. The pen lay on the table in front of me, but I didn’t reach for it. She saw my hand twitch and gave me a smile. “Hold on a second, I have an idea.”

Rebecca walked away for a moment and rummaged in the desk where the social worker on duty would sit. She returned a few minutes later with a few sheets of paper. She had folded them in half. When she handed them to me, it felt like she was giving me water or the breath of life. I could hear my pen click in joy on the table.

“You can’t stop story before it’s done,” she said. “You can fit them in the back of your journal so that you can keep writing. If you need more, just let me know.”

I nodded. “Thank you,” I told her, knowing no other words.

I slipped the paper into my journal and let the torrent of words take me forward where they would.

Chapter Six – The Lovers

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide

Shades had proposed.

There was nothing big about it, no drawn-out proposal or big show of it. One morning as we smoked in bed, he said to me “I think we should get married.”

I was ready for us to take our relationship to a different level, and I felt a light bloom to life inside of me, becoming a flame that began to burn brightly and flicker, tickling my ribs. I was filled with hope, sure that I had misread everything.

“I’d love to,” I said.

“Good, Rainbow will be happy.”

I was momentarily confused. “What does she have to do with you marrying me?”

“I asked her to marry me first. She said that she wouldn’t do it unless you agreed to it, too.”

A snort slipped past my lips and the sound was loud in the room. I knew that was the sound of the flame that had been growing within me withering down to a small seed of flame, barley any heat but lots of smoke. I couldn’t see through the haze of it. Shades looked like someone I didn’t even know. I turned my face this way and that, trying to see past the smoke so that I could see him, but it was like the smoke wanted me to really see Shades for who he was.

I closed my eyes so that the smoke would clear. “Really? You only want to marry me if Rainbow marries you?”

I could hear him taking a drag off his cigarette. “I love you, Jamieson. But I’ve got a street cred to deal with. I’ll lose some of that if I’m like totally gay.”

That flame within me extinguished to nothing. I held on to the smoke, the one remaining piece of the fire that had been alive, only if it was for a moment. “I don’t think people will care,” I said, knowing that his mind was made up. He had asked Rainbow first.

“Fuck the other people.” He said. “I’ll care.”

I sat there weighing the words that meant the most to me against everything else that he had said. Shades had told me that he loved me, I had to hold on to that. Someone loved me, a man loved me. I thought of the other words he had said, about masculinity and street cred, and I imagined myself holding both sets of words in my hands. Opening my eyes, I looked down at my hands and for a moment, I could see an apple in one hand and a flame in the other. I had a choice to make. I nodded and chose the apple.

“When did you want to do it?” A part of me slipped away from myself. “I know a place.”

I wore my best jeans and a t-shirt. Shades and Rainbow followed me. I was the only one that knew where we were going. I had a spot that I liked to go to, where I could watch the world around me and not have to worry about finding my place within it. The Rideau Canal locks were where I could pretend that my life was of my choosing. I could look around me at the tourists enjoying the locks for the first time and pretend I was their guide, showing them how to find their place on the mountain top so that they could see the world below them.

I had my own spot. I had marked it with black ink, drawing first a large J and then a W. I knew that no matter where I ended up in this world, I could always come back to this spot and remember where I had been. When I took Shades and Rainbow there, it was supposed to be a gift to them, letting them share my space that I had claimed for myself. They didn’t seem to realize the fact that my spot on the locks was special, that it was sacred just to me. Shades scuffed his foot over my initials and looked at me. “What’s so special about the locks? I’ve been here a lot.”

“We’re near the water, earth and air. Is that it, Jamieson?” Rainbow said this in a placating voice. Her and I understood sacred places and signs.

“Yes,” I said, not knowing if I could speak any further.

“Let’s do this thing.” He held out a hand to each of us. “Rainbow, I have the ring you’ve given me. I wear it as a bond, and we are connected through it.” He turned to me. “I need a ring, Jamieson.”

I took my high school graduation ring off of my finger. Shades pointed at my Wolf ring. “I want that one.”

I knew that I had a choice to make in that moment. I knew that I was at a crossroads and that the choice I made right now would affect every moment onward. In that moment, I chose myself. I took off my high school ring and gave it to him. He gave me a dark look, as if I had crossed him and I knew he saw my actions as such.

“I will wear you ring as a symbol of your affection for me,” he said, slipping the ring onto a finger on his left hand.

I couldn’t help but notice that he had chosen different words for me. I wondered if that meant our bond was fleeting.

That night, we shared a moment of privacy between the three of us. As the candlelight flickered in the dark and Shades concentrated on Rainbow, I knew that the two of them had forgotten about me. I was left alone in a corner of the room, wondering if this was the kind of love I really wanted.  

Chapter 4 – The Emperor

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide

As I began to make my way around the streets, I began to meet more people.

They were from all walks of life and many of them had chosen the streets because the anonymity had provided them with something they didn’t have before: safety. We were all outrunning our own kinds of demons.

One of the people I hadn’t met yet was Jesus. That’s what everyone called him. I’m not sure what his actual name was, but the name suited him. He treated everyone with a benevolence that didn’t speak of worship, but more of a kind of fundamental respect. I asked Sunshine who he was when I first saw him.

“That’s Jesus. He’s pretty cool. He’s like our protector, you know? You can’t approach him though. You have to wait until you’re summoned to meet him.” He shrugged at my look of confusion. “It’s his way. He keeps an eye out for all of us and makes sure that we all have places to go to sleep and eat.”

Jesus was taller than anyone else around him. He had long hair, and the ends had been dyed black. He had tattoos covering almost every surface of skin that was visible. There were multiple piercings in his ears and his skin was darkly tanned from spending a lot of his time outside. Despite his fierce exterior, I knew that there was a kind soul within him because I watched the way that he interacted with everyone else. He really did seem like a wiseman walking amongst his flock.

I was sitting in the Square when Jesus came for me. It was a section of the Byward Market where all the street kids hung out when the weather was good. We gathered in groups and clusters of people. I would sit and watch Angel as she drew her chalk drawings that were so hyper realistic they looked like photographs. Friends met there, hung out and felt like they were part of something, even if it was just for an afternoon. Everyone there just wanted to belong. We had left our families, or been pushed out, but that didn’t stop the need to find our spot.

I was sitting on the pavement, my back against a wall, reading a book. It was called Time Cat and it was about a cat that helped heal the world by travelling through time. A shadow fell across my page and when I looked up and found myself looking into the kind and wise eyes of Jesus.

“Mind if I sit with you?” He asked before sitting down.

“Sure,” I said, trying to keep the awe from my voice.

He handed me a cigarette and lit it for me. I’d come to realize that cigarettes were how people on the street showed kindness. They gave one, even if it was all they had to give. Jesus took a drag and looked at me. I tried to keep the fear off of my face. He was very intimidating. Finally, he nodded as if he had come to a decision.

“You look like him, but only just. There are a lot of differences.”

I knew he was referring to my brother. “Well, we are identical twins.”

“Nah, it’s more than that. You may look alike outside,” Jesus patted his face. “But you’re different here.” He put his hand on his heart.

I nodded as if I understood, but I didn’t. Not yet.

“Now, your brother got himself into a lot of trouble. You need to remember that there is only one rule out here: Your word is all you have. When you have nothing, all you have is your word. I need you to remember that. It was something your brother forgot from time to time, and it got him in trouble.” He let out a puff of smoke and in the sunlight, it looked as if he were part ghost, part man, able to choose between the sun and the shadow. “I don’t want that for you.”

He stood and gave me a pack of cigarettes and some change he had collected. “You’ll find your way; I know you will. Just remember what I told you, okay?”

I nodded, and I could feel the words etching themselves into my skin. A small part of me wondered how easy they would be to unravel.

Chapter Three – The Empress

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide

There were many people who showed me kindness, fresh as I was to the streets.

None more so than Sunshine. He truly fit the name he had chosen for himself. I remember the first time I saw him. He exuded colour and I watched as he walked and talked to others. Their very faces lit up when he spoke to them, truly a light in their lives. There was a brightness about him that was genuine.

He came up to me right away and hugged me as if he had known me forever. He could feel me tensing up. I wasn’t prepared or used to random acts of kindness like a hug. From what my brother had told me, you had to protect yourself and protect your own. You could make friends, sure, but never let your guard down.

It didn’t feel like Sunshine had any guard up at all. He was just so completely himself that you couldn’t help but love him back. Loving Sunshine was instantaneous, and it felt wonderful in a world that had all of a sudden become very uncertain.

“Honey! Hi!” He hugged me again. “I know who you are of course. I knew your brother. Everyone here does. Who are you staying with? You gotta come with me, I’m going to take you some place nice. It’s wonderful. Have you ever heard of the Youth Service’s Bureau?”

He talked in a constant stream and I had to keep up with him. When I told him that I was staying with Shades, he pulled a face. “That one, I don’t know. I tell you, I’ve seen him around and you gotta be careful with him.” His face darkened as if a shadow had come alive across his skin. “He takes what he wants. Just know that whatever happens, you can come and stay with me, okay?”

He took me to the front doors of the Youth Services Bureau, and it didn’t look like much, just another building. I had no idea what to expect, but when we walked through the doors, the first thing I noticed were the kids like me. They were all milling about and there was food being served. Sunshine took my hand and brought me further into the building, introducing me to everyone there.

“That’s Angel, she’s an amazing artist. You should see her chalk drawings. This is Teddy. He’s trying to figure out who he is like we all are. This is Mike and Tash, they’re dating, and Tash is a photographer. Mike writes slam poetry. Josh and Nicky are like cousins or something, and they’re both singers.”

It seemed that the streets held no end of talent. Looking around the YSB, I could see kids reading while they ate or talking on a nearby telephone. There were other kids painting or drawing. I was drawn to the large bookshelf filled with copies of books that had been loved. “We’re free to take a book if we want one, isn’t that cool? There’s even a place where we can get showers if we need one.”

I followed him out to a small courtyard out back. There were a couple of picnic tables and there were more kids smoking. Sunshine and I joined them and he gave me a cigarette and lit it for me. Taking a puff off his own, he cocked his head at me. “You look like you’re full of questions, honey. So, spill.”

It took me a moment to form what I wanted to ask. There were so many words running around him my mind and I didn’t know where to start. Finally, I spoke the question that came to my lips. I tried to ignore the fear in the back of my head. “Everyone is themselves.” I said. “I don’t know if I will ever be that confident here or that comfortable.”

“Honey, don’t believe a word of it. Angel left home to get away from her parents. Teddy was kicked out when he told his parents that he liked boys. Mike found Tash living on the streets in Montreal and she came home with him here. Josh and Nicky had to go into foster care after their parents left.” He took my free hand in his. “We’re all just making it through the best we can. We all look out for each other, and that includes you.”

We sat on the tables, our eyes closed, and our faces upturned towards the sun.

Before

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide

My brother gave me my first deck of tarot cards.

We hadn’t spoken a lot since he had been kicked out of home. Truthfully, we hadn’t spoken a lot before that either. There was a wedge between us, even then. Looking at us, you wouldn’t be able to see it, but we felt it. It was a physical presence in our lives. I’m not sure it we put it there to keep us safe, or if my parents placed it between us for our safety.

I was still living at home. My brother had been kicked out for stealing, or getting into a fight, or mouthing off. My brother was a rebel, and I don’t think he knew how much I looked up to him. He’s my older brother by fifteen minutes. I joke about how my order was fucked up and I ended up with him, as if having him in my life is some kind of mistake.

The truth that I’ve been coming to terms with lately is that I didn’t talk to my brother often enough in the end. We existed in two different worlds. We had our own language growing up, but now, we don’t even speak to each other. The irony isn’t lost on me.

I don’t know what he did to end up in the shelter, but at least he was staying somewhere this time. Normally, he just disappeared, and I didn’t hear from him. It felt like a piece of me was missing. He would come back eventually, he always did. It was those times that I was left on my own that I was most afraid. My brother had a way of looking at life that I admired. He didn’t say much, but he didn’t need to.

To me, it looked like my brother was free.

I know that this isn’t completely true. He was free spirited, but there were secrets he carried, too. We may have had an ocean of unspoken words that swam between us, but he had grown up in the same house I did. I went within and Robert would explode outwards, his actions and interests his way of escaping and speaking without words.

I remember phone call. My father and stepmother had been out. Robert knew when they would be at work. I remember his voice on the phone and it sounded like him, but calmer. Hearing his voice was like a breath of fresh air in the cloud filled world which I lived in. His voice parted the smoke and fog that surrounded me. If I remained in the fog, I wouldn’t be seen. Hearing Robert’s voice made me want to be seen again.

“Come on over and see me,” he said. I remember this part, but not how I found the shelter or if I looked up the address first. I don’t remember how I got there, but I do know that I went to find him. I remember the blue drawer, the darkness within the room punctuated by a single light.

I remember Robert gathering the tarot cards off the floor. I don’t even remember if this is true, or if he had the cards gathered in his hand. I remember seeing flashes of colour and the hieroglyphics that covered the card backs.

“Someone gave these to me,” he said. “I think they’re meant for you, Jamie.”

I remember taking the cards and the book that was falling apart. They had been loved, these cards, whether by him or someone else. I wasn’t sure how he had come by them, but I knew that I was more than intrigued. I didn’t have the words to describe what I was seeing yet. Those words would come eventually, but for now there were the pictures.

Robert had given me a copy of The Ancient Egyptian Tarot by Clive Barrett. Robert had been the one to find the first Ankh that I wore. I wore an ankh all the time as a teenager, and he knew how much I loved anything Egyptian. I remember flipping through the cards, wondering what kind of interactive book this was to come with a set of cards.

I remember taking the book out and reading it on the bus back home. I would take the cards out again when I was alone, but for now, I read what I learned was the guidebook and let Clive tell me a story. I thought what it must be like living in a shelter or on the streets. It seemed a tough way of living, but Robert was free in a way. 

I had no idea that a few years later, I would learn what that was like firsthand.