Tag: Pentacles

Chapter Seventy-Three – Knight of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life

“And you’re going to need more clothes. You can’t move into your place without any real clothes, of and you need bedsheets.”

We were in the Giant Tiger in the Byward Market. Rhonda was putting things in my cart. She put a set of one-hundred percent flannel sheets in, along with a pair of comfortable looking pyjama’s. “I’m not sure I’ll need those.” I told her.

“Cus you’re such a slut, right?” She winked at me. “No, trust me, you’ll want these. The sheets will keep you warm in the winter, make no mistake. Unless you have someone to cuddle up to.”

“It’ll be a while before that happens.”

“Never say never!” Rhonda added a comfortable looking sweater in robins egg blue to the basket. “This is totally your colour.”

            I tried to put the sweater back, but Rhonda slapped my hand. “Hey, once its in the basket, it stays.”

“I can’t afford all of this.” I watched as she threw a three pack of ramen, a box of granola bars and jars of peanut butter and jelly into basket. I was trying to think of what little money I had and how I would make it stretch.

“Nothing doing. I’ve told you already that you aren’t paying for any of this.”

I watched her move through the store like a woman on a mission. She added what looked like a soft blanket and packs of underwear and socks to the basket. She handed one basket to me and grabbed another. She moved with purpose but also with patience. She was being very patient with me. “I can’t let you do that.”

“You can and you will. I’m loyal to my friends, Jamieson. Let me be a friend to you. Friends help friends when they need help. You’ve been told you have to do everything yourself all the time. But you don’t have to, okay?”

We walked up to the second floor which handled housewares and linens. She threw bath towels into the second basket. “You’re going to need these, and look! A fuzzy housecoat!”

“That will look out of place in a boarding house.”

“What, you’re going to rush across to the bathroom stark naked? Plus, what if you want to do a strip show for someone?” She gave me a wink and threw in a few t-shirts.

“Like that will happen.” I said.

“Only cus you don’t want it to. Be open to new possibilities, Jamieson. That’s all you have to do, the rest will follow.”

The items in the baskets were piling up. She handed me one of the baskets and grabbed another. On the third floor, they had things dishes and small pieces of furniture. Rhonda grabbed a small table and put it in the basket.

“I don’t need a table.”

“Yes, you do. Where do you have your altar right now?”

“I don’t have one.”

“Right, so you need a table. You need to have somewhere in your home that’s a sacred space for you, so that you can converse with Spirit.”

She picked up a box that contained an unassembled table and put it in the new basket. “Easy peasy, you just screw the legs in. Did you any candles for your altar? How about a burning dish for incense?” She plunked one in the basket.

“You don’t have to do all this.”

“I know I don’t. Just let me help you, okay? It means a lot that you let me help you.”

The look she gave me was one filled with hope. I could tell that this simple act of kindness was as huge for her as it was for me. All I had to do was accept the gift. “Why is it so important to help me? I’m not anyone.”

“You’re wrong. You are Jamieson Wolf and you are my friend, okay? That’s a good place to start.”

The cashier helped us bag everything and Rhonda and I took the bus back to Monk Street to put everything in my new room. It felt odd to know that I had a place of my own where I could lock the door and have safety.

Even now, as we stood in the middle of the room deciding where everything would go, it felt like it was too much. Catherine had found me a used bed and boxspring in the basement downstairs. “People often leave their beds when they move out.”

“I can’t take this,” I told her.

“Yes, you can,” Rhonda said. “Now tell Catherine thank you.”

“Thank you, Catherine.”

“Don’t mention it.” She gave me a brilliant smile, and I wondered what I had done to be graced by it.

I helped Rhonda make my bed. She had gotten me a simple duvet for the bed, too, even though I told her that I had blankets already. I carried them with me everywhere I went with everything else I owned in my purple backpack.

“Those were blankets for when you needed to run. This duvet is for a home. Keep the blankets for an emergency, okay?”

We spent the afternoon putting things together. I had a new bed, a table and a chair with a plate, bowl, knife, fork and spoon to eat with. We put that the corner of the room so that I could eat and look out the window. The other smaller table she placed on the other wall so that my spot for spiritual guidance could also be given the light of the window. I had my clothes nicely folded and kept in boxes that I placed at the foot of my bed. The door to the sunroom was open and it had a small carpet and a fold up chair so that I could sit out there and enjoy the sun and the growing plants that covered the windows. There was another box that served as my bookshelf.

I looked around at everything and was astounded to realize that this was my home. I hadn’t had a place of my own for so long that I had forgotten what it was like. Rhonda came to stand beside me, and she took my hand and gave it a squeeze.

“All kinds of fucking fantastic, isn’t it?”

“It is.”

We were silent for a moment. I took in the sounds of people and the music of the house that I could hear. Finally, Rhonda spoke.

“I remember when I first got off the streets.” She said. “I got my apartment and it was most amazing thing in the world because it was all mine, you know? Everything in the apartment was mine and no one could take it from me. The home was mine and only I could decide who I let in. The whole place felt too big, but not big enough, as if my spirit was bigger than it was, you know?”

I nodded and didn’t say anything at first. She had just voiced everything that I was feeling. These two room were all mine and only I could decide who would be allowed in.

“You asked me why I was doing all of this for you before.”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Because you’re my friend and you have been kinder to me than anyone else, I have ever known. Because I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“I have to know that you will be okay, okay? I have to know that whatever happens to us, that I made sure you had the footing to see yourself as I see you. I have to make sure that you’re going to be okay.”

“Hey,” I said. “We’re okay, we’re always going to be okay.” I was worried by the way that she was talking and the tears that were sliding down her face.

“Yeah, I know. I know we’ll be.” She let out a breath and lit a cigarette. I handed her the ashtray that she had gotten me at the store. “Mostly because when I took the leap to get off the streets, there was no one to help me land on my feet. I had to do it all on my own. You’ve already had a lot happen to you. I wanted to make it easier for you than it was for me, okay?”

Now tears were sliding down my cheeks. I wiped them away. “Okay, thank you.” I took a breath. “I love you, Rhonda.”

“And aren’t you lucky that I love you back?” She let out a shaky wet laugh. “Let’s go get a coffee to celebrate your new home. I’ll let you buy, okay?”

“All right.” I hugged her, careful of her cigarette and we left my home. I took out the keys and locked the door behind me.

Chapter Seventy-Two – Page of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

“I just don’t know what to do,” I said. “I can’t go back there, but I need a place of my own.”

I had crashed at Rhonda’s. I had taken my bag and my roll of foam from Lisa’s place as soon as I had gotten home from the hospital with Lisa, Rosilind and Carl. Carl would be staying with Lisa so that she would have help with the baby. When Lisa saw me with my backpack slung on shoulder, the roll of foam tucked into the other strap, she pointed at the front door.

“Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out,” she said, wiggling her fingers at me.

No word of thanks for helping her through the birth of her daughter, not that I expected any. I left without any clear path of where I was going to go, knowing only that I had to leave. I knew that I was heading towards something new and that it would give me the opportunity to discover more about myself, but I had no idea how I was going to get there.

Rhonda had waved my concerns away. “Didn’t I tell you that I had a plan?” She lit my cigarette and then hers. She ripped off a paper from a pad and handed it to me. “I’m just happy you’re away from her. That’s the part that matters most.”

“I don’t think she treated me that badly.”

“You can’t see it, you’re too close to her. It’s like that with abusers. You need to get away from them to appreciate that. She’s bad people, Jamieson. Bad people will always be attracted to good people like you.”

She huffed out a plume of smoke and took a sip of her coffee. “The important thing is that you’re out from under her influence and you have the opportunity to go forward.”

“Yeah, but go forward where? I don’t have anywhere to live.”

“That never stopped you before. Besides, didn’t I tell you that I had a plan? Come on, finish your coffee. We gotta take a walk.”

I did as I was told and couldn’t help but wonder where this new path would take me. I felt lighter. The day was bright with the rusty smell of sunshine and fallen leaves, and I could hear the wind whisper to me as I made my way outside. I was filled not the urge to run, but the need to take in everything I saw. I knew that my life was about to change again, and I welcomed that change, whatever it may bring.

We walked into the Glebe. It felt odd being back here. I knew that my mom and stepdad were nearby and I had no wish to see them. I didn’t know what I would say to them if I saw them, but Rhonda took me beyond where their house was on Sunnyside to a side street named Monk Street. We stopped in front of a large grey Victorian house covered in vines of ivy that looked impossibly big and small at the same time, as if it held onto the many things that were possible all at once. It looked like a house that was home to witches, and I wondered what magic it contained. “What’s this place?”

“You’re new home, if you like it. Hold on a sec, here she is.”

A woman was coming down the front steps to greet us. I recognized her as the woman that I had danced with in front of the fire at Kaleidoscope. She had been the one who had painted her breasts in swirls of red and silver so that she would like the fire. I remember how wild and free she was and the smile with the glint in her eyes showed me that she had not changed.

“Jamieson!” she said, giving a hug. “I’m so glad that Rhonda and I talked. Did you know that a room just became available!” She pulled away from the hug and gave me a bright smile. “I’m Catherine.”

I was so starstruck by her. She seemed to shine as brightly as she had when we danced with our spirits that night. I wasn’t sure how to respond to such brightness. My words got frazzled and dazzled inside my mind. “You look at lot different with clothes on.” I said and mentally slapped myself for being so blunt. “I’m sorry.”

Catherine let out laugh that sounded like music. “I get that a lot.” She said. “So do you, from what I remember.” She gave me a wink. “Come on, let me introduce you to Ned. He’s like the super of the house, but I had him hold the room for you when Rhonda told me that you needed a new place to stay.”

She brought us into the house, and I was struck by the fact that the outside didn’t match the inside. The outside was painted completely grey and it seemed to be designed to blend right in and not be noticed. The inside was all warm wooden floors, cream-coloured walls and a banister that had been painted a bright white to match. She brought us to a room just off of the kitchen and nocked on the door.

Opening the door, Ned greeted us with a smile and glasses that were perched on the end of his nose that made his eyes seem impossibly small. I felt a stirring at my feet, and I looked down to see a black cat rubbing itself against my leg. Without thinking, I reached down to pick the cat up and it nestled into my arms, purring loudly.

“Bell likes you,” Catherine said. “That’s a good sign.”

“Bell?”

“As in Bell, Book and Candle. I have three black cats. I wanted to name them something witchy.”

“And they manage not to be too much of a nuisance, unlike you.” Ned said with a smile at Cathine and holding out a hand to me. His hand enveloped mine in a warm handshake and his black hair fell into his eyes. “Catherine said you’re looking for a place. We’ve only the one room, but it’s better than a kick in the head. Come on, I’ll show you.”

We all went up the stairs together, with Ned first, me following behind him and Catherine and Rhonda bringing up the rear. Each step we made created music in the old wooden stairs, creaks and groans that only an old house could make. Listening to the music that it made, it sounded like the house was happy that I was here. Each creak sounded joyful, each sigh sounded content.

Ned explained that there were four floors in the house: main, second and attic with a basement. This house had been an old Victorian mansion at one point in its life, and he said that most of the wood was original to the home. There was a total of seven rooms, plus the kitchen, living room and dining room. “We don’t have a lot of turn over here, not like regular boarding houses. Catherine herself has been here for a few years. Rent is your standard welfare cheque, but we can work that out later. Wait till you see the room.”

I could hear the music growing with each step we took upwards, the voices of other people talking and the light sound of a guitar being played that joined the music of the house itself. When we reached the second floor, Ned turned and walked own to the end of the hallway. The bathroom was there and the walls had been done in a royal blue with the sinks and bathtub in white ceramic. “There’s only one bathroom I’m afraid. I’ve asked the landlord to put in another, but they don’t want to ruin the house, so we’re going back and forth on it. Good thing is, your room is right here, if you want it.”

He opened the door directly adjacent to the washroom and stepped into a room that was at the back of the house. I wasn’t prepared for the fact that is had a window, and it was a large bright space, perfect for bed and maybe somewhere to sit. It even had its own closet, and most important part was that it had a door. “Does the door lock?”

“Yes, it does. You’d have one key and I’d have the other, just in case there was some kind of emergency. I’d never go into your room without your permission.”

I had a momentary flashback to Joey, the man that had run the boarding house on Arlington. “I’ll take it if you will have me.”

“Wait, you haven’t seen the best part yet, go on and open that door beside the window.”

I walked to the door and took the antique doorknob in hand and pulled opened the door expecting to see a closet, but what I saw was so much more than that: It was a whole other room. Three of the walls only went up part of the way as the rest of the space was taken up by windows.

I walked into the room and turned around so that I could take it all in. The wall with the door was red brick, but it was the windows that drew me. They looked out over a small garden in the backyard and there were vines of ivy covering the corners of the windows. I turned back to Ned, and he could see my shock that must have been written on my face. “This would have been the old sunroom of the house. The landlord didn’t want to split these up, so if you take this room, you’ll get this one, too. It’s a little cold in the winter, but the walls are insulated. Past tenants have put up curtains to keep the warmth in.”

I nodded. I looked at Rhonda and she gave me a thumbs up. I turned back to look at the garden down below and thought of the seeds that I could plant here. It was a place where I would not have to hide in the dirt. I could grow here and hopefully thrive.

“When can I move in?” I asked Ned.

Chapter Seventy-One – Ten of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life

The ride to the hospital was a blur.

I called the cab and while we waited for it to arrive, I called Lisa’s boyfriend Carl and Darnelle to let them know that Lisa’s water broke. I reached out to Sophie and let her know and I knew that she would let everyone else know.

I packed a bag for Lisa and helped her into the cab, giving the driver instructions to drive us to the general hospital. Lisa was trying to do deep breathing exercises and was attempting to light a cigarette for herself at the same time. I took the cigarette from her and butted it out. “Now is not the time.”

“I’m fucking stressing out. Now is the perfect time. I want a smoke before we get to the hospital.”

When she reached for her bag again, I took it and placed in my backpack. I had packed my own bag in preparation for this day as I knew that it would be coming soon. I sat in the cab and tried to encourage Lisa to do the breathing exercises that we had practised. Thankfully, the cab driver drove very quickly to get her to the hospital as fast as he could.

“You’re doing great, Lisa.”

“I want a fucking cigarette.”

“You can have one when this is all done. For now, just try breathing and focus on little Rosalind and try to calm yourself.”

“That’s kind of hard to do when a baby is trying to push it’s way out of my vagina.” She said harshly.

It’s almost over, I said to myself. It’s almost over and then I will be free.

I tried to keep her calm during the ride and when we finally arrived at the hospital, I thanked the driver. “Good luck to the lady,” he said.

“Thank you,” I told him and gave him a nice tip.

“Okay, I want to have a cigarette before we go in. Give me my fucking smokes.”

I ignored her and got Lisa into a wheelchair. I took her to the main emergency window and told the nurses there that Lisa’s water had broken.

The next hour or so was a blur as the nurses got Lisa comfortable on a bed and rolled it towards one of the rooms that were available. I was asked to help Lisa strip down so that she could put on a hospital gown. I was given a gown for myself so that I would be allowed into the delivery room.  

The doctors and nurses wheeled her into the surgery room and after that, it was a blur of motion, sound and the music that only a hospital room is capable of, the endless beeping and breathing and the beating of heart. During all of it, I held Lisa’s hand and told her that she would be okay, that she was a goddess, that she was capable of creating magic.

“You’re all I have,” she said. “Where is Carl?”

“He’s on his way. Try and stay calm.”

“I’m going to make him rue the day he got me pregnant!”

“That’s the spirit,” I told her. “Hold on to my hand as tightly as you want to.”

Lisa huffed out a breath. “I’m going to make him eat his fucking balls.”

“And I’m sure that Carl will appreciate that.” I told her. I thought it was best to agree with whatever she was saying, she was giving birth to life after all. She had seen me through so much and had given me a nest to grow in. Now, she would be raising another life in her home. I didn’t belong there anymore.

Lisa followed the doctor’s instructions, pushed when she needed to, breathed and paused when told. The entire time, she had hold of my left hand. I could no longer feel it. She looked at me and I was seeing the Lisa as she truly was: afraid and terrified. In that moment, Lisa and I shared something with each other. She looked at me with fear in her eyes, and I tried to tell her that everything was going to be okay. While she had hold of my hands, I tried to whisper this to her spirit. Lisa was in no fit state to hear me at the moment. It was my hope that her spirit would be receptive of the energy that I was giving to her. I pictured all my chakras sending her spirit what she would need, a beautiful rainbow shared between two people waiting to welcome a new person into the world.

In what seemed mere moments, but I’m sure it was longer, the doctor handed Lisa her beautiful baby girl. They cut the umbilical cord and made sure that Rosilind was okay. She was a beautiful five pounds and four ounces with a smattering of blond hair on her head. Rosilind seemed impossibly small, hardly even real, but she was. This tiny, beautiful human that had not existed a moment before but was here in front of me now.

Lisa handed her out to me without words. She didn’t need to ask; I came closer and wrapped her in my arms. She cuddled right in and hid her head in the crook of my arms. I wondered if she was excited for what the world had waiting for her. There would be a lot to fear, a lot to fight for but also a lot of joy. As I held her, I hoped that she would experience more joy than I did in her home and that she would grow into someone that would create rainbows out of rain.

There was the sound of footsteps behind us. Darnelle and her son, Fox, Sophie and Jenn came into the room, closely followed by Carl and the sound of others. We had all come together to celebrate this new life. None of us were related by blood, but we knew each other in our hearts and our spirits spoke the same language. We were kin and together, there was light.

I remembered to pull down some of the light from the air so that I could remember this moment and feel its warmth. I wrapped the light around my wrists like bracelets so that I could carry this memory with me.

Chapter Seventy – Nine of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

One night at Frankies, I got a shot handed to me at my station.

I was no stranger to customers buying me drinks and giving me extra tips. Some even brought me books; I always read when I was waiting for someone to show up at the entryway of the second floor. Tonight’s book was a paperback copy of The Silence of the Lambs without a cover. I kept it in my bag when I wasn’t reading it, afraid of beer or cocktails landing on it.

Taking the shot from the bartender, I asked “Which dancer is this for?”

“It’s for you. It’s from Jake downstairs.”

“Jake the bartender?”

The bartender gave me a wink. “Do you know any other Jake around here?”

I smiled and tipped the shot back. Sambuca always left my mouth feeling like it was full of peppermints. “Tell him thanks,” I said, putting the cup back on the tray.

“Let him know on the way out. I think you two live near to each other.” He winked again. “In case you’re interested.”

I let out a laugh and waved a hand at him. “Get away with you.”

Truthfully, it would be nice to have a bit of affection. I didn’t care if I worked with him, he was always trying to take boys home the same way. It wasn’t the first time that Jake had sent me a shot, but it was the first time I was thinking of taking him up on it. I didn’t want to spend the night at Lisa’s, and it had been so long since I had any kind of romantic touch; though at this point, I would settle for a bit of lust. Though Jake took a lot of boys home, he always treated them kindly.

At the end of my shift, I walked down the stairs. I had chosen to wear skinny black jeans that I had found out of the free clothes at the Mission. I had paired that with my black army boots and a green V-neck shirt with the V going low, leaving a lot of my chest bare. Jake gave me a an appreciative look as I moved down the stairs.

“There are those great legs,” he said.

“Well, they are pretty awesome.” I stepped off the last step and went closer to him. “Thank you for the shot.”

“I wasn’t sure whether to give you peach schnapps or sambuca.”

“Sambuca was a good choice.” I told him. “Thank you.”

Giving me what he probably thought of as a seductive look, he came closer to me. I could smell sandalwood, sweat and beer. “I’m not far from here, if you’d like someone to walk you home. My shift is done and we’re closing up.”

I nodded. He was giving me his best bedroom eyes, and they were a deep brown so dark they were almost black.

“I’ve already dropped off my till so I’m good to go when you are.”

“Let’s go,” he said. “I can get us breakfast.”

I bristled at the idea of someone buying food for me. “It’s okay, I did good in tips tonight.”

“Can’t you just let a guy treat you to breakfast?”

I thought about it. I had a better chance of getting laid if I went along with what he wanted. “Thanks,” I said. “I’m just used to doing things on my own.”

“Well, let someone else do it for you every once in a while.”

We walked down streets that were lined with houses and trees that were beginning to shed their leaves. He didn’t take my hand as we walked. This far downtown things could be difficult if two men were spotted holding hands in public. We were no longer in the gay bar and had to be careful.

That didn’t stop us from looking at each other. Every time I looked at him as we walked, he would look away. I would do the same as he looked at me, even though I could feel his eyes on me. He took me to the Elgin Street Diner. We waited until the food came to start speaking. It’s always easier to speak when you have something to occupy you. The food was acting as a barrier so that we could finally be ourselves.

“Do you have a large family?” he asked.

“Yeah, I used to.”

“Dead?” he took a bite of his toast and dipped it into his eggs.

“No,” I told him. “I left home and then was kicked out.” I didn’t feel like going into too much detail. I was sure that after everything happened, Jake would go on to someone else. I would be but a notch on his bedpost and I was okay with that. Sitting across from him, eating my eggs and bacon, I was desperate to be touched.

“You’re too young to be on your own.”

I shook my head. “I’m not on my own, I have friends.” I thought of the people that I knew in the Pagan community, of Lisa, Sophie and Fox.

“I get that, but do you have anyone? Everyone should have their someone.”

I raised my eyebrows and let out a small laugh. “So that doesn’t count for you?”

“I live the bartenders life. I’m not ready to settle down yet.”

“And I am? I’m younger than you.”

“Not my time.” He took my free hand in his. “You want to love for ever after. I can see it in your eyes. You want the whole thing, a man who can love you and give you everything you’ve ever wanted. You deserve that. You deserve to be honoured, cherished and loved.” He let my hand go took a sip of coffee and a last mouthful of eggs. “I can’t give you that and that’s what you deserve.”  He put his cup down. “But I can give you tonight. If that’s okay?”

I nodded and let him lead me to his apartment. He told me that it wasn’t much as he only had his bartender’s salary to pay the rent, but when he unlocked his door, he ushered me into a modest studio apartment. He had his bed right against the window and there was a couch and a television with a bookshelf filled to the brim with books. He closed and locked the door, and I turned around and looked at everything that he could call his. There were dishes in a dishrack, a small stereo with a record player that looked as if it had seen better days.

There wasn’t much on the walls, but there was a boho chic to the place. It looked like him and it was his. I stood in his apartment and envied him because to me, he had everything he could possibly need. It seemed so unreachable to me.

The lovemaking was clumsy because I was so unsure of myself, but Jake was wonderful. He made sure that I was taken care of, that my body was loved and that I was happy.  We laughed a bit and though it didn’t last long, there was joy. We lay there afterwards having a cigarette, the air filled with our smoke, and I watched as the two tendrils of it left lines in the air, though they did not intermingle. A breeze came in through the open window and when it left, it took the smoke from my cigarette towards the window. I knew that I was meant to move onward.

I took a moment to look around at everything that Jake had achieved for himself and knew that I could do it, too. It would take time, but I knew that eventually, I would have my own apartment. I knew that I had to move out of Lisa’s and that it would mean going to another boarding house. That was okay, I would have my own place soon, I could see it. Looking around me, I knew that this was possible for me.

I looked at Jake who was staring out the window lost in thought. “Thaks for this.” I told him. I butted out my cigarette and got dressed.

“You’re welcome. You gotta good home to go to?”

I nodded. “For now.”

He laughed and ran a hand along his chest. “I know all about ‘for now’.” He stood and reached out a hand to caress my cheek. “See you at work on Thursday?”

“You bet,” I told him.

When I got home, I found Lisa pacing back and forth in the living room. She looked agitated and a little frantic. As soon as I had walked in to the apartment, it hit me in the face like a slapped, my euphoria from Jake withering away almost immediately.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“You’re my fucking birth coach and you’re asking what’s wrong?” The cigarette in her hand and the wild look of her hair made her look like some kind of crazed person at their wits end.

“If it’s that urgent, tell me what’s wrong.” I asked her, my voice tired. I felt like I was talking to a two-year-old. I couldn’t stand her when she was like this.

“My water broke, ten minutes ago!” She told me, gesturing at her jogging pants with her lit cigarette.

Chapter Seventy – Eight of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

It felt odd to be working towards something again.

My brain kept trying to interject and tell me that what I was doing was not work, but my body was so happy to be active again, even if it was just so that I could sit and take money from men who wanted to watch strippers dance for them. As Rhonda had told me before, we all had to start somewhere.

“I don’t know why you’re bothering,” Lisa said. “We get free money every month. Why do you want to work?”

“I just want something to do,”

Lisa shook her head. “What could be better than sitting with me and reading?” She told me. “You be careful around Rhonda, I don’t trust her.”

I didn’t share with Lisa how Rhonda felt about her, nor did I tell her that I needed a break from her. I didn’t want to fight and that would be the only outcome. Trying to balance the relationships I had with people with trying to find balance withing myself was getting to be a lot of work. I was trying not to upset Lisa and at the same time, trying to establish something good for myself. I loved her, I just needed more for me.

Lisa let out a puff of smoke as I continued getting ready for work. “You just think you’re better than the rest of us, that’s all.” She waved her hand. “Not that I blame you. I mean, look at Francis, he thought he was than better than you and that’s why he dumped you.”

I chose not to respond to that comment. I knew that her words weren’t true and that Francis had loved me in his way. I slung my bag over my shoulder. I was wearing a pair of sparkly jean shorts that I had found at the mission and a white mesh tank top. I figured that I would get more tips as a door boy that way.

“Why do you dress like that?” Lisa asked. “I can see your nipples.”

I shrugged. “A lot of men there like looking at my nipples. I’ll be back later.”

She gave me a little wave, and I could not help viewing it as a dismissal. We had had words earlier about her smoking while pregnant. She was almost due. It would be any day now. She had been a little pissy with me afterwards. I knew that some friendships were a lot of work, but she was becoming even more work than usual.

“I read your latest story by the way. It wasn’t as good as your others. You can do better.”

I let out a sigh, grabbed my coat and left. I knew that she was being cruel because my view on her smoking while pregnant had hurt her, but trying to crush my spirit when I was really just beginning to find my own spirit was a low blow. I chose to walk out instead of confronting her. It was easier that way. She often found a way to be right, even when she was in the wrong.

On the walk to Frankies, I just reminded myself of the work that I had done to get to where I was. It wasn’t what I had thought I would end up doing with my life. I’d had plans as a kid in high school to teach drama and act on the stage or screen, becoming a playwright at the same time. I wasn’t living that dream, but I was living this one instead.

 I had come to realize that my road was only just beginning. I had gotten this far and there would be more work to do, but that would come in time. I knew that I was on the right path because I had chosen it for myself. I didn’t want to be afraid anymore.

When I arrived at Frankies, Jake was there to greet me when I entered. “One of the dancers was asking for you. He needs the crotch of his underwear checked before he goes on stage. Don’t want his dick showing before anyone has to pay. You don’t have to touch it, but let me know if can see his cock at all.” He said. “One of the drag queens, too. You’re in demand this evening.” He winked at me and I could feel my cheeks blush, the redness spreading across my face.

“It’s nice to be wanted,” I said. I made my way up the stairs to the second floor to find a drag queen waiting for me at my station. Mizti was fairly new at drag and she totally rocked it. We had bonded one night when she had come up to my floor trying to promote the drag show that was going on at the bottom level. We had become fast friends even though we only saw each other on the nights that I worked.

“Honey, does my makeup look okay?”

She was wearing a blond wig and had done her eyes all exaggerated. They made her look like she was a Japanese animation character, and she had done her lips to match, all big and red. She made a kissy face at me and I laughed.

“Your makeup looks wonderful, very saucy.” I said shyly. I adjusted her wig and gave her the go ahead. “I don’t know why you come to me for my opinion on makeup anyways.”

“Honey, you always tell it like it is. That’s a rare find and it can be so much work to speak and worry about hurting someone else’s feelings. You manage to speak your mind. You tell it like it is, AND you’re a gentleman doing it. Plus, Honey!” She motioned at my outfit and made a gesture at my face. I had applied smoky eye shadow in blues and greys. “You look amazing.”

I sat on my stool and counted out my float for the night. “You’re just saying that.”

She gave me a sour look. “No, I’m not. I mean look at you. The men will be tipping you well tonight, I mean look at those nipples! Look at your hips! I’d kill for hips like that.” She waved a hand with red talonlike nails. “I kid. I wouldn’t want to end up in prison; I’d look horrible in orange.” She let out a sigh and snapped her fingers in front of my face. I looked up from my float. “Good, you’re paying attention. I like when men do that. It’s easier to drop the mic if someone is listening.”

Letting out a chuckle, I put the money back in the till. “Okay, I’m listening. You have my full attention.”

“Good, that’s how I like it. Now listen here. Stop looking to other people for your own self worth.”

“I don’t do that.”

“Yes, you do. You work so hard at holding yourself so rigidly in hopes that, when someone actually notices you, you act like it’s some kind of fucking miracle. Then you keep trying to be what others find attractive. That’s too much work honey. You need to love your body, it’s the only one you will ever have. You can’t wait for other people to love you. You need to love yourself; do you hear what I’m saying?”

I nodded because I did hear her. I knew that there were many different ways that I could see myself and she was right. I tried to be what everyone wanted instead of listening to what I wanted.

“I do, and I’ll try. I promise.”

“Better not be pie crust promise, honey. You are amazing and your whole life is ahead of you. How about we celebrate your newfound resolve by having a drink. I’ll get you a screwdriver. You like those right? They’ll go with my outfit at any rate.” She had dressed in a flowing yellow dress that hugged all of her curves and fell to the floor in a pool of sunlight. She walked away from my station, her high heels clicking on the floor.

A couple of guys came stood in front of me, holding out five-dollar bills so that they could enter to watch the dancers. One of them was wearing a shirt that said “Fellatio is not an opera.” I had no idea what that meant. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you waiting. What’s fellatio?” I asked.

The man dropped a five in my till and another five in my tip jar. He got down on his knees and placed himself between my legs and ran his hands close to my crotch. I let out a laugh that surprised me. I was so nervous and yet, this sound of joy was able to leave my mouth. I was so thankful to this man. His blue eyes looked up at me with thirst, and he gave me a roguish smile.

“Have a good night, boys.” I told them. The music was loud and the air was warm and this man had given me a gift, and I had no words to tell him so.

He stood up, planted a small kiss on my cheek and went into the other room to enjoy the boys.