Tag: Jamieson Wolf

Chapter Nineteen – The Sun

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot

I was at the Mission having lunch when I heard someone call out my brother’s name.

Turning automatically, I saw shock and knowing on the persons face. “Your him, but not him, aren’t you?”

“If you mean my brother, then yes and no.” I took in the sight of this man. He looked quite a few years older than me, mid thirties or so. His eyes were filled with curiosity and openness, which was rare. Almost all the people I had met here had storms in their eyes, having survived some kind of trauma and it left a mark on people. He had clouds in his eyes, but even from where I sat, when the clouds moved, I could see the light within him.

“I see that. You are less of a storm than he was and more of the sun.”

Beside me, Sunshine leaned forward. “My name is Sunshine, so what am I?”

The man blinked at him. “You are radiant, I think.”

“Oh, I like this guy.” Sunshine stage whispered to me.

“How long did you know my brother?”

The man shrugged. His hair was combed, and he had a bushel of a moustache and a thick grey beard. He reminded me of a librarian as he was wearing a cardigan and what looked like glasses hanging from a chain around his neck. “I knew him for some time. He was very kind to me on a few occasions and that’s not something you forget.

I thanked him and Sunshine and I finished our meal. As we were about to leave the table, the man called out to me. “I’m going to give you a piece of advice, young man. You need to look for what brings you joy. There is a storm brewing in you and I would hate for it to consume you.”

I shrugged. “I do have joy.” I looked over at Sunshine.

“You need a joy all your own. You can’t always depend on others to be around to keep your light alive.” He tapped my chest gently with the first two fingers of his right hand. “You need to find that joy and carry it in here. That will see you through.”

I thanked him, resisting the urge to give him a hug. I didn’t know if it was okay to hug strangers and I did want to hug him, but I resisted. Maybe he could see me hesitating because he took me in a soft and gentle hug. I let him hug me and I hugged him back. It was the first time that an older man had hugged me, and it brought me so much comfort instead of the fear that my father brought to life. He had never hugged me like this, simply for the sake of a hug. Every time that my father had come close, it had been to hurt, not to heal.

The man smelled of spicy aftershave and tobacco and I breathed that scent in. I’m not sure how long that hug went on for, only that for that moment, all that existed was that embrace. “You are braver than you know. Remember, joy is out there if you are willing to look for it.”

“Thank you,” I breathed. I blinked rapidly to keep the tears from falling.

Sunshine and I left the Mission and walked towards the YSB. I lit a cigarette, took a drag and handed it to him.

“That’s pretty amazing.”

“What is?”

“When everyday angels like that show up in your path.”

“What do you mean?”

“My mom always used to tell me about ordinary people that come into our paths just for an instant. They are supposed to bring us clarity, show us the road ahead or just help us in a moment of need.”

“Do you really think that’s what that man was? Some kind of angel?”

“Don’t you?” Sunshine said.

I thought about what the man had said. I needed to find my own joy in order to keep my light alive. I thought of the storm that had raged in my brother for as long as I’ve known him. It gave him the monicker of bad son and troublemaker, but I knew that what propelled him was a need to find out where his place was in this world and not being able to find a place for himself.

I was going through the same journey now and had to let go of the fear. I needed to remind myself that I had a lot to be joyful about. I had my street family, I had Sunshine, I had friends. I may not know where I was going, but I could see the road ahead of me more than I had been able to before.

There was joy to be found in that. I pictured a candle inside my chest right next to my heart. Its wick was lit with a small flame, a pinprick of light. It was a spark that had been given life inside of me. I cupped my hands around that small flame to keep it safe. I needed to shine my own light and every light began with a spark.

Chapter Eighteen – The Moon

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot

The world always looked different at night.

I was completely myself within the darkness of the streets. There was no need to hide myself because I was already hidden in the shadows. Renee was the first person to notice this. “Why do you avoid the light?”

We were walking in the square. The Ottawa Mission had a truck that would drop by the square and give out clothing, blankets and warm food like prepared soups. Renee and I walked around the square, our bags a little heavier with soups for later and new blankets. I wore a pair of socks over my hands as the cans of soup were quite hot. I had forgone the spoon for now and sipped the soup out of the can.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I said.

She gave me a look that I could discern even in the half light. It was one of exasperation and patience. Renee did something then that I wasn’t expecting; she took my hand and wouldn’t let go when I tried to pull away. “You know exactly what I mean. Why do you hide?”

“You make it sound like I’m some kind of fucking vampire.”

“You might as well be. Anytime that someone asks you a question directly, or focuses on you, you tend to go inward. You’re fine with the people you trust, but you shrink away from the people you don’t know.”

I shrugged. “It’s a learned habit. Being noticed before tended to get me hurt. It was easier to hide.”

“Well, I don’t want you to hide.”

I thought of how comfortable I was in Sunshine’s apartment, hiding from the world. Or amongst the kids that gathered at the YSB, or the crowds that gathered for lunch and dinner at the Mission. I could disappear in those places and seek to be unseen. I said as much to Renee.

“You must be joking!” She said, her eyes sparkling with merriment. “You are the one person that everyone sees.”

I shook my head. “That’s not true.”

“Of course it is,” She let go of my hand and turned her head skyward to look at the stars.

I was drawn to look at the moon. I always marvelled at the fact that it seemed so large, but it was so far away. I never felt afraid of the dark when I could see the moon. I had always been drawn to it, but more so lately. I thought of the moon as the all-seeing eye, more so than the sun. The sun brought light into the day, but the moon helped me sit with my truths

“You carry your brother’s mystique,” Renee said. “There’s that. He left quite the impression here, but you’re doing one better. You’re making your own path.”

I looked up at the stars then and they looked like they were dancing for the crescent moon. They looked unafraid to find their way forward. “Did you know my brother?” I asked her.

She nodded. “I only knew him by reputation, but he seemed okay.”

I often felt like I was walking with his shadow beside me, and I could reach out and take his hand, letting it guide me to where I needed to go, but of course every time I went to take his hand, he wasn’t there. We had always been two halves of the same whole. I had been cast into the role of the good son and my brother had been made into the bad son. We had always been good and bad, light and dark, sun and moon. Whenever the moon was full, the shadow of my brother that walked with me seemed the clearest. I looked beside me now and saw only a thin wisp of an outline, all smoke and no shadow, but he was still there.

“You don’t have to be afraid of the light, you know? Like the moon? Look how bright it is and it’s not even a full moon! Shows us where we are right now. It’s different every night, like it gives us a chance to take in what it’s shown us?”

She said this like a question, and it got me thinking about the traits I shared with my brother. We were identical mirror image twins, but so incredibly different. My brother had been unafraid to go after what he wanted, I didn’t even know what I wanted out of life yet, but looking up at the moon, I imagined it showing me a little of the path forward.

I tried to see where my path had started, but that part of it was lost to the clouds and the movements of the stars.

Chapter Seventeen – The Star

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot

We ate almost every day the Ottawa Mission.

Sunshine and I would go there to eat lunch and dinner. “The food is amazing,” he said. “It’s like its food being cooked by your mom. It’s that good. They let you leave with sandwiches and sometimes some soup. Every Wednesday, you can go and take three pieces of clothing from the warehouse in the back, and you can take as many books as you like.”

He said this with a smile because he knew that books were where I found my peace as much as tarot cards were where I found my wisdom.

I just remember the crowd of people waiting to get in the first time we went. Everyone was pleasant and even neighbourly. These were people I would have turned away from in my previous life and now I was one of them.

I looked at the cross that sat above the door of the Mission. Normally, the cross would have made me turn away. The cross was one of the symbols from my past that still didn’t sit well with me. The people that found comfort sitting under the cross didn’t make room or give tolerance to people like me. To me, the cross symbolized hatred.

However, there was no hatred here. The crowd held all kinds of people from all walks of life: teenagers like me, mothers with their children, men talking in groups and sharing a moment of laughter or one last cigarette. The crowd of people waiting was full of those who were trying to find their way back to the life that they had come from or those who had made peace with where they were.

There was no malice in the crowd though it began to grow, spilling down the stairs and along the sidewalk. No one pushed each other and there was this soft murmur of conversation that sounded like music. The door opened and as I made my way up the stairs into the main hall of the Mission, I eyed the cross above me. Part of me tried to imagine it was a pair of arms, offering a welcoming embrace. I needed to feel more comfortable in this place and my walls were coming up.

When we got into hall, the music of people’s voices rose higher so that it was steady hum. I closed my eyes and found comfort in those voices, and it was like my body was being swayed along, carried by the music. I looked behind Sunshine and myself and saw a sea of people, all filled with song. The hall was filled with round wooden tables and Sunshine and I took a seat. We were soon joined by several others and all of them were kind. They asked where Sunshine and I grew up and one man’s face opened up as if it had been lit from inside when I told him that I had been born in Ottawa.

“Me too, son. We Ottawa born and bred are few and far between. Everyone here has come from somewhere. No one was content to stay where they were and went off looking for the great wonders of the world.” He tapped his nose. “You and I know the truth. Ottawa is full of magic, so why leave?” He smiled and he looked years younger, his eyes looking like jewels among the hills and valleys of his skin.

When we got in line to get food, I told the woman I only wanted a small amount, seeing the large crowd of people behind me that had still yet to be served. The volunteer that was serving food gave me a smile as if she had known my thoughts. “Don’t you worry about anyone else at the moment. Here, I’ll give you a full plate, you need to eat.” I thanked her and tried to stop my cheeks from blushing.

The food was as good as Sunshine had promised and I was even able to go up for seconds. As we were leaving, someone offered us food to take home like sandwiches and soup; there was even someone offering essentials like deodorant and toothpaste. I felt guilty for taking these things, but Sunshine had no such qualms. He took a wrapped sandwich and cup of soup for me, so I accepted the deodorant and toothpaste. It felt like I had been offered a meal filled with hope and kindness and my whole body felt more alive than it had in a long time.

As we made our way from the Mission, I looked back at the door with the cross above it. If I squinted my eyes a little, it looked more like a star than a cross, a beacon of hope for all those that needed it, even me. I had to start believing that I was worthy of the kindness that other people showed me, even if it did make me feel uncomfortable.

I let Sunshine hook his arm in mine as we made our way back home, feeling for the first time in a long time that I was going to be okay.  

Chapter Sixteen – The Tower

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide

When I saw her, my first thought was of fire.

She had spiky red and gold hair, brown eyes and a smattering of freckles across her cheeks. She was always smiling, and I wondered how a person could be a never ending source of light instead of puzzle or some kind of maze. I wasn’t used to that. Everyone was a kind of puzzle if you thought about it; you had to figure your way through what they held dear and see if resembled yours. It took years to know a person completely.

Renee wasn’t like that. She loved everyone equally and it didn’t matter who they were. Even if you chose to live outside and shunned the shelters, she loved you. If you had an issue with drugs, that didn’t matter. She always talked to you like you mattered.

She saw everyone.

I knew that I always lit up when I saw her as I began to run into her with more frequency. I didn’t know much about where she had come from and how she had ended up on the streets, but from the moment I ran into her in the YSB, it was like were drawn to each other.

I was a moth to a flame when I saw her.

All of my walls would come down. It wasn’t a question of hiding anything or observing their actions so I knew if I could trust them. There was none of that. I was instantly open  with her as there wasn’t even an iota of fear. I had only met one other person like that in my life up to that point. Those kinds of people are rare in life.

To say I was enraptured would be an understatement.

“Honey, you sound like you’re in love with her.” Sunshine said. He had just read a page of one of his journals and had asked me what happened during my day. I had spent the last five minutes talking about everything that Renee and I had done that day.

“Yeah, like I love you,” I told him. “Like we’re friends.”

“Do you ever mention to other people how my hair looks when the sun hits it just right?” He asked, giving me a wide grin.

“No, I tell them how awesome you are.”

“I know you do, what’s not to love. But you’re talking like you are in love with her.”

“That’s not possible, I’m gay.” I told him. I sat there looking at him, a new blanket I had gotten draped around my shoulders. I had picked it up at the Mission earlier and I pulled it closer around me despite the relative heat of the evening.

I thought of everything that I had given up to be gay, all that I had left behind to finally claim who I really truly was. I had struggled so much to be true to who I was. I had tried committing suicide twice in my teens, I had survived an abusive homelife and I overcome the mountain of high school, the ledge that should have been a place of safety that would help me see my path in the future but instead was a place of judgement, hatred and isolation.

I had survived everything to be what I was. It had been a secret for so long that finally owing up to the truth of who I was often felt like a waterfall that had been in front of me all this time had finally parted to let me through so that I could see what was on the other side.

“There are all kinds of love, Jamie. You love who you love, it’s your business.” He gave my hand a rub and lit a cigarette. He took a drag and passed it to me. “It doesn’t mean you have to sleep with her, but you can get as close as you want to. There’s no judgement. The normal rules don’t apply here.”

I passed him back the cigarette and when I let the smoke go free from my mouth, I let the blanket loosen around me. Sunshine had gone back to writing and I pulled out my tarot cards to figure out what I should do. I shuffled pulled out the Tower and the Seven of Pentacles. I looked within the guidebook and tried to determine what my future would bring.

Chapter Fifteen – The Devil

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot

You formed a lot of connections on the streets.

Its like anywhere, really. There are people in your life that are good for you, people that lift you up. There are also those that would take you down and try to keep you there. You had to watch yourself around those people. It didn’t matter where you were, there were always those that would try to hold you back.

However, there were other people that always had your back, the connection between you was more than friends; you were family.

It was like that with Sunshine.

His mother Sarah kept hinting that Sunshine and I should start dating, that we would make a cute couple. There were a lot of others that thought he and I were dating. I can honestly say that the thought never really crossed my mind. I didn’t think of him that way and he didn’t see me as a romantic prospect either. Yet, I loved him as if we were dating. He was my ride and die. Whether we were out together, or with a bunch of other family, he had become my touchstone. Sunshine filled my life with light. He lit up the lives of so many others around him. It was his way, and I was honoured to be part of his life. It was as simple as that.

Other connections weren’t as simple. We sat in our room, smoking and talking. Or rather, Sunshine talked with his new romantic interest. Shale had neon blue hair and pale skin and there was something exotic about him. He looked out at the world with an open curiosity. Right now, that curiosity was focused on Rainbow. They sat together in the window, and I watched the smoke from their cigarettes floating out into the night air. I wondered if the smoke contained their emotions or the words that remained unspoken between them. I could feel the palpable desire between the two of them. I felt like I was in the middle of something, even though I wasn’t sitting anywhere near them. I could see the connection between Sunshine and I, but I could see the new connection between Shale and him. It shone brighter than the stars in the night sky.

I excused myself quietly and went into the living room to sit and write, read, anything to distract myself from what was going on in the other room. Sunshine always opened his arms wide welcoming anyone into his bubble. I had the opposite problem.

Dan and Mike came into the kitchen looking for food. Dan was shirtless and there was a tattoo of a star on one of his elbows. “Why are you out here?”

Their cat Squeak came into the living room and when she saw me she gave a happy meow and got up on the couch and onto my lap. “Sunshine has company,” I told them.

            “I see! At least he’s being quiet this time.” Dan said. Then they heard a loud moan coming from Sunshine’s bedroom. “I spoke too soon.”

I looked at the connection that shone between the two of them. There was even a thin, sparkling chain that connected the three of us though they couldn’t bee it. It shone softly in the half light of the apartment.

“Want to see something naughty?” Mike said. “Come on.”

“What, you want to watch him again?” Dan said. “You know that he knows we’re watching.”

The cockroaches skuttled away from his with soft clicking as we made our way into the kitchen. “Come here,” Mike said. “Get a good view.” He motioned me to the window that we had in the kitchen. I went and stood between Mike and Dan and they guided my eyes to an apartment across the alleyway.

We could all see the man lying naked in his bed. I could see the glow of the television on his body and watched as he played with his hard cock. He was well built and hairy and gorgeous to take in. I looked in shock at Mike and Dan.

“Does he do this a lot?” I asked.

“Almost every night since we moved here.”

The man across the way gave us all a quick look as if he could hear us whispering. The man gave us a wink and began to stroke himself. He knew he had an audience now and he was enjoying the show. I wondered what it would be like to be free enough to show myself in such a way instead of holding myself together so tightly.

As the man in the room across the alleyway worked himself towards finishing up, Mike moved closer to Dan and Dan put his arm around my shoulder. We stood there looking at someone in the throws of pleasure, a thin chain stretching across the alleyway to man who lay naked on his bed, all connected in that moment of carnal lust.

The air was alive with heat and the promise of something more. I could feel Squeak rubbing at my legs and I picked her up, knowing that I was connected to her at that moment, too. I listened to the moans coming from the bedroom closest to us and the bedroom across the alleyway and it sounded like some kind of beautiful music of lust and longing.

I lay there on the living room couch afterwards, filled with both.