faith – Spirit of the Wolf

It was fascinating to be with someone who wanted to be with me.

That was one of the first emotions that came to mind when I thought of Francis. When we walked together, waited for the bus or we were at one of the Pagan brunches, Francis made room for me. I could see him lowering his walls just as I was lowering mine. It was never a thought that it was possible to love someone so effortlessly. I had never experienced this and it was so new to me. I felt included in his life and everyone I knew already knew Francis. It was a seamless transition from caterpillar to butterfly. The transition was not painful as I had wanted to be free of my cocoon for long.

I was still afraid, though. Francis held my heart in his hands, and it had been a long time since I had trusted another man to hold my heart carefully. I loved him despite that fear. I adored him because I was afraid. A small part of me even feared the love that Francis and I shared together because of everything that had happened in my past. I loved him with an open heart and wanted to hide and be seen by him at the same time. It was like I was walking an internal tight rope, and I had no idea where it would end.

Francis showed me that there was nothing to hide from. When I was with him, I remembered what joy was. I loved him so completely. Lisa and I would talk about it when I wasn’t with him. One night, we were getting ready for sleep. Lisa was lying on her bed smoking a cigarette and I was on my foam roll doing the same thing. From my vantage point on the ground looking up at Lisa’s ceiling, the smoke looked like clouds. I pretended we were on a raft floating along the water, letting ourselves flow towards the future.

“You don’t have to be afraid, you know.”

I perched on an elbow and looked at Lisa. “What do you mean? I’m not afraid.”

“You forget how well I know you.” She gave me a gentle smile. “You don’t have to go back there, Jamieson. I know you hold on to every slight and every slap you’ve ever received. People like you always do. I’m Warrior because I want what I wasn’t given and now I just fucking take it. You’re a Warrior because you love so much. Your heart is in everything you do and say. You walk around offering it to others every time you speak even though you’ve been hurt to the breaking point and still you offer your heart, but at the same time, you’re afraid. Francis isn’t like the other fuckers you dated. He’s not your father. He’s different, Jamieson.”

My nineteen-year-old heart swelled with hope and with love as I pictured Francis in my mind. I was standing with him and my heart swelled even more when I looked at him and took in the shape of his eyes crinkled because his lips were shaped in a smile as he looked at me. I could hear the rush of water again, the waves sending water into the boat. I looked around us and held on tighter to Francis, but I loosened my grip. I didn’t want to hurt him or hang on too tightly. I was afraid that he might turn away from me if I did that.

When I opened my eyes, Lisa had turned her head to look at me. “I keep over analysing everything,” I told her. “My heart, mind and spirit are open to him, they are giving and receiving love, but I am afraid, Lisa. What if I fuck this up?”

“The way that Francis looks at you, I’m sure that’s never going to happen.”

“But what if it does?”

“So, it does. You’ll do what you always do, pick yourself up and get on with it, but you need to move on from all the worry. Just because Francis carries a lot of pain doesn’t mean you need to. You can’t love someone with one of your feet stuck in the past, Jamieson. If you love Francis, love him without the fear.”

I thought for a moment about what Lisa had said, looking at the smoke as it swirled above my head. I blew out smoke rings, trying to see if I could join the smoke that came from the burning cigarette with the smoke that came from my mouth. I watched intently for a moment, and the smoke looked like it was in a casual dance, melding and shifting with each other, before rising out of my sight. I noticed something though. When the smoke rings I sent up to the sky joined with the smoke from my cigarette, they each grew stronger, even if only for a moment. The smoke grew thicker and when they separated, they each took a bit from each other before moving onward.

I knew that Lisa was right. I had been afraid for so much of my life before now that fear had become the only thing I knew completely. I carried my fear and the pain that had caused it, and they were my constant companions. No matter where I roamed over the waters, fear had become my anchor, my pain an oar. I knew that I was letting my fear hold me back. I could love someone completely but still be afraid that they would cause me more pain. I didn’t want to find my direction in life because of the pain it had caused me.

“How do I let go of all of that?” I said this more to the smoke than Lisa. I felt the smoke would have a kinder response than she would. The smoke would probably say something mysterious and alluring. Lisa would deliver her advice in her typical bluntness. She was wise, but she did not mince words.

“By choosing to,” Lisa said. “You’re the one that controls your destiny, Jamieson. Where do you want to go? You need to pick your direction and head that way. Sometimes you have to let go of things when you choose a different direction.”

“What if it hurts?”

She let out a snort and a puff of smoke at the same time that made Lisa look like she was some of dragon. “Of course it’s going to hurt, Jamieson. That’s the point of growth. If our journey had no fucking pain, it would not be worth it. You’ve had more than your share of pain. It’s time to let some of it go.”

I closed my eyes and Francis was beside me again. The waters around us calmed and the boat that we rode in stopped rocking back and forth. I reached out to put my arm around him and pulled him close. I felt Francis put his arm around me and I looked forward to see where the waters would take us. I let out a puff of smoke and the water rippled, reflecting the sun as it shone down at us.

I opened my eyes and tried to let a bit of the pain go. It wasn’t much, but it was a start and that had to count for something.

As I began to make my way around the streets, I began to meet more people.

They were from all walks of life and many of them had chosen the streets because the anonymity had provided them with something they didn’t have before: safety. We were all outrunning our own kinds of demons.

One of the people I hadn’t met yet was Jesus. That’s what everyone called him. I’m not sure what his actual name was, but the name suited him. He treated everyone with a benevolence that didn’t speak of worship, but more of a kind of fundamental respect. I asked Sunshine who he was when I first saw him.

“That’s Jesus. He’s pretty cool. He’s like our protector, you know? You can’t approach him though. You have to wait until you’re summoned to meet him.” He shrugged at my look of confusion. “It’s his way. He keeps an eye out for all of us and makes sure that we all have places to go to sleep and eat.”

Jesus was taller than anyone else around him. He had long hair, and the ends had been dyed black. He had tattoos covering almost every surface of skin that was visible. There were multiple piercings in his ears and his skin was darkly tanned from spending a lot of his time outside. Despite his fierce exterior, I knew that there was a kind soul within him because I watched the way that he interacted with everyone else. He really did seem like a wiseman walking amongst his flock.

I was sitting in the Square when Jesus came for me. It was a section of the Byward Market where all the street kids hung out when the weather was good. We gathered in groups and clusters of people. I would sit and watch Angel as she drew her chalk drawings that were so hyper realistic they looked like photographs. Friends met there, hung out and felt like they were part of something, even if it was just for an afternoon. Everyone there just wanted to belong. We had left our families, or been pushed out, but that didn’t stop the need to find our spot.

I was sitting on the pavement, my back against a wall, reading a book. It was called Time Cat and it was about a cat that helped heal the world by travelling through time. A shadow fell across my page and when I looked up and found myself looking into the kind and wise eyes of Jesus.

“Mind if I sit with you?” He asked before sitting down.

“Sure,” I said, trying to keep the awe from my voice.

He handed me a cigarette and lit it for me. I’d come to realize that cigarettes were how people on the street showed kindness. They gave one, even if it was all they had to give. Jesus took a drag and looked at me. I tried to keep the fear off of my face. He was very intimidating. Finally, he nodded as if he had come to a decision.

“You look like him, but only just. There are a lot of differences.”

I knew he was referring to my brother. “Well, we are identical twins.”

“Nah, it’s more than that. You may look alike outside,” Jesus patted his face. “But you’re different here.” He put his hand on his heart.

I nodded as if I understood, but I didn’t. Not yet.

“Now, your brother got himself into a lot of trouble. You need to remember that there is only one rule out here: Your word is all you have. When you have nothing, all you have is your word. I need you to remember that. It was something your brother forgot from time to time, and it got him in trouble.” He let out a puff of smoke and in the sunlight, it looked as if he were part ghost, part man, able to choose between the sun and the shadow. “I don’t want that for you.”

He stood and gave me a pack of cigarettes and some change he had collected. “You’ll find your way; I know you will. Just remember what I told you, okay?”

I nodded, and I could feel the words etching themselves into my skin. A small part of me wondered how easy they would be to unravel.

Tag: faith

Chapter 4 – The Emperor