Tag: Comfort

Chapter Seventy-Four – Queen of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

Catherine’s three cats followed her everywhere.

If I couldn’t find her, I just had to listen for the padder of cat feet and head towards them. This time, I merely had to wait for the footsteps to find me because Catherine was going to introduce me to the others that lived in the house.

Soon enough, Catherine knocked on my door, and I opened it to find her standing there, surrounded by her cats. They meowed and rubbed against my shins and ankles. I reached down to pet them and to let them smell my hands. The cat that I held the other day, Bell, meowed until I picked him up. He nuzzled into my neck and held onto me, purring contentedly. Catherine smiled and rubbed Bell’s head between his ears. “He likes you. He’s fussy with people normally, but he’s taken a real shine to you.”

She was wearing a white poet’s blouse and short skirt that looked as if it were made of neckties. A purse was slung across her shoulder and on the front pocket I could see writing. I bent down to take a closer look. It read: Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians.

“Are you ready? I know you’re still putting yourself to right, but I promised to take you around to meet everyone and show you around. Is now a good time?”

I nodded and slung my purse onto my shoulder. It had my keys, book, tarot card and crystals. It felt kind of wonderful to lock the door and know that all my things were safe. The night before, I had traced a pentacle on the other side of my door, and I marvelled at how such a simple thing like a door made me feel safer than I had felt in a long time.

“It’s kind of mind blowing, isn’t it?”

“What’s that?”

“How a door can lead to home, to new adventures or be a barrier against what we don’t need anymore.” She took Bell from me, and he snuggled right into her embrace. “Doors can lead us to new things to explore, and they are barriers that we can control.” She put hand up and seemed to be listening for something. Turning to me, she smiled. “Nice wards. They are all warm and lovely like you. Come on.”

She led me to a door and knocked on it. “There are four rooms down here and three rooms in the attic. I love up there with Vince and Amanda. Laura lives down here with you, Ted is at the end of the hallway, and this room belongs to Eric. He’s really nice, though he’s really shy.”

The door in front of us opened and I saw a mop of dusty blond hair falling into blue green eyes. “Hey Eric, this is Jamieson. He lives next door to you.”

“Hi,” He held out his hand almost as an afterthought and I shook it lightly.

“Hello,” I said. “Nice to meet you,”

He nodded almost jumped when Catherine reached out to touch his arm. “We’re going to go for coffee. Do you want to come with us?”

“No,” he shook his head. “Reading, thank you though.”

“No thanks needed. Maybe next time?”

He nodded at us and retreated back into his room. “He’s such a nice guy if you can get him out of his shell.” She passed the other door. “Laura is out at her job. She volunteers at the Mission a lot. She likes to give back to those that helped her. I’ll make sure you meet her later.”

Knocking on Ted’s door, Catherine stepped back and gently pulled me back with her. “Trust me,” she said with a wink.

The door flew open and Ted looked at the two of us dark eyes filled with a light that had nothing to do with the lights above us. “Have you come to hear me recite some poetry?” He asked me.

“I could if that’s what you want me to do.” I said.

“Excellent, please recite the following sonnet. It’s one of my absolute favourites!” He yelled this as if he were in a large auditorium and needed to be heard.  He thrust a copy of A Midsummers Night Dream at me. It had obviously been read countless times. The book felt like it would fall apart in my grasp, but I was careful with it.

The sonnet had been highlighted in different colours. I read: “Over hill, over dale, Thorough bush, thorough brier, Over park, over pale, Thorough flood, thorough fire, I do wander every where, Swifter than the moon’s sphere; And I serve the fairy queen, To dew her orbs upon the green: The cowslips tall her pensioners be; In their gold coats spots you see; Those be rubies, fairy favours, In those freckles live their savours: I must go seek some dew-drops here And hang a pearl in every cowslip’s ear. Farewell, thou lob of spirits: I’ll be gone; Our queen and all her elves come here anon.”

I looked up and was astounded to see that Ted was actually crying. “Thank you fair sir.”

“Ted, this is Jamieson. I told you about him earlier.”

“Fair thee well, son of Jamie. May we merry meet again.” Giving us a bow, he retreated to his room and closed the door softly.

I stared at it in wonder. “Come on, let’s go see Amanda and see if she wants to go for coffee with us. There’s no point trying to meet Vis, he doesn’t get up until its nighttime. He likes to pretend he’s a vampire. It’s a good thing he looks good in black otherwise the whole vampire thing would be a total waste.” She went up the stairs, and I followed her. Bell went ahead of us and scratched at Amanda’s door.

When it opened, we were greeted by someone that bore a strong resemblance to Lucille Ball. Her makeup had been done in bold, exaggerated strokes and she wore her dark red hair all bundled together on top of her head. She wore what looked like a yellow Mumu cinched with a bright pink belt. “We going for a coffee run? Gosh, it’s been forever since I’ve had a good cup of coffee, maybe like a few hours? I’m not sure how long it’s been! Hey, are you Jamieson? It’s so nice to meet you!” She took my right hand in her own and clasped our hands together with her left. She shook my hand as if I were a visiting official. “Where do you come from? Don’t answer me, I’m good at guessing? Do you come from the cosmos? See, I knew it. Well, are we going or not?” With a finger wave, she began to make her way down the stairs ahead of us.

The very halls of the house seemed to breathe with relief. Catherine laughed at the shocked look I must have worn on my face. “She can be a lot, but Amanda is a brilliant artist. You should see some of her oil work.”

The day seemed bright once we left the house like the world was coming to life around me. We took the short trek to Irene’s Pub on Bank Street and hopped into a booth. The waitress came and took our coffee order. Catherine and I ordered a plate of zucchini sticks to share. Amanda waved her hand. “I’m off zucchini for a while. I had a little bender last week and it was zucchini everything.”

“Last month it was carrots.” Catherine said.

“I mean, they were so orange. Just calling out to be eaten.”

“And yet you hate oranges.”

Amanda waved her hand again as if she were shooing a fly or dismissing a servant. “Self-righteous bastards.” She said. “I can’t even with them.”

Catherine let out a laugh and Amanda snorted loudly. Soon, I was giggling right along with them. I hadn’t had much to laugh about and now here was this gift and who was I to turn away from the music of laughter? It was wonderful to let go of my remaining walls, even if it was just for a moment, so that I could lose myself in a moment of joy. I reached up to wipe away the tears of joy from my eyes and looked at Catherine.

For a moment, she looked to be wearing a crown of stars in her curling red hair and the stars shone so brightly. I blinked and realized that what I had mistaken for stars were really the tears that clung to my eyelashes. The laughter made by all three of us made the stars move and shift as if they were ready to fall from the sky.

Reaching a hand across the table to take one of mine, Catherine gave my hand a squeeze. “I’m so glad you found us, Jamieson. Welcome home.”

I nodded, agreeing with her. “It feels like home already.”

Tilting her head to the right, she looked at me. Her eyes widened at me and then narrowed slightly. “It’s so hard to run all the time. It’s nice to rest finally, isn’t it? You know all about that.”

Nodding again, I looked away from her because she had hit the nail on the head in one go. I tried covering and took my pack of cigarettes from my bag, I held out the pack and Amanda and Catherine each took one and we lit them from the same flame. I wondered if such a thing could be considered magic.

I let out a plume smoke and tried to put my fear into the air so that it could return to the ether. “Yeah,” I said. “It is.”

Chapter Twenty-Five – 4 of Wands

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir

The idea of having my own home was still odd to me.

I had to share the washroom with four other men, but my room was mine and no one could take that from me. My meagre amount of clothes barely filled the dresser, but they weren’t in my bag or on the floor. I had my notebook on my desk, and I had alarm clock on the ledge of the window so that it was close by.

It was a comfort to have somewhere of my own to go home to. My childhood home had been filled with love when it could be found, but it tended to hide a lot. There was no love that could stand in the face of violence. Other homes held expectations that had cut off my air and forced me to be someone that I wasn’t. I was disabled and gay and I didn’t fit in.  I was reminded of this so often in various ways, most of them cruel. I tried to take my own life rather than live in a world that would try to take my light.

Home was not a word of comfort for me.

It took having my own room, four walls that provided safety, to realize that home had to start with myself. I had to be at home within myself. Only then could I carry the feeling of home wherever I went. This room wasn’t the ideal home, but it was mime. It was somewhere I could lay my head, somewhere I could read and a place where I could heal.

When the thinking got to be too much, when the four walls became too enclosing, I went looking for those that I loved who felt like home to me. I thought of these people as kindred souls, the ones that helped to keep the flame burning on the candle within shining bright. I found myself drawn more and more to Lisa’s place. It often felt more like home than my room. There were always people dropping by to visit with Lisa. They were from the Pagan community like Sophie and Jess, and they were so open and welcoming. If I had a question about Paganism, something I was struggling to understand, they helped me.

I started going to the Pagan brunches every Sunday at the James Street Feed Co. Everyone shone. I was surprised at how much I felt at home with these people. They were so warm. Almost all of them hugged me close as if they had known me for years when we may have only just met. The Pagans that Lee introduced me to were some of the most beautiful people that I had met. Their light made them beautiful.

They seemed to come from everywhere and from all walks of life. Some of them worked for the government, some were social workers and private care workers, others were artists and poets, dancers and singers. The people that I met at the Pagan brunches didn’t fit any kind of category. They were all completely themselves and seemed to defy categorization. There were Wiccans, Druids, Bards and all manner of different kinds of Pagan. Instead of turning a blind eye or a judgemental one towards what they didn’t think fit in, the Pagan brunches welcomed everyone.

Everyone was home within the tree of life that Paganism offered.

After I attended a few more brunches, I felt more at home with these people that had welcomed me as much as I welcomed them. Much as I had felt at home on the streets, or in my one room, I felt at home here. I got to know more of the people and it felt like I was getting to know myself the further I let myself delve into Paganism. It was a revelation.

I found myself reading more about gods and monsters and the different paths of Paganism. I was gradually finding my way through it all and I had finally found the comfort home within a faith and spirituality that would finally have me just as I am without having to change who or what I was.

Just as I had a physical home in my room for my body, my mind and spirit had found a home, too.

Chapter Eight – Strength

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide

I’d woken in the night to hear the sounds of Shades having sex beside me.

Having expected this to happen at some point, I lay there beside him and felt my tears soaking my face and the cloth of my pillow. It was odd that he would make love next to one of the people he was supposed to be married to. I was used to this kind of irony, or at least my mindset expected it.

I reflected on two things at that moment: that he wasn’t having sex with Rainbow and that he was allowing me to be present for such a carnal act. It was like the final slap in the face, as if he were inviting me to join in some kind of rite or ritual.

When he was done, Shades and the woman left to go to some bar. I remember the look of his eyes when he left. It was like two shards of ice in the dark. I was reminded of being able to see the eyes of a cat in the dark; if you were quick enough, you could gather them to you, but you had to be careful because they had the potential to hurt.

My bag was ready and so was I. I had not stripped down to my underclothes when I had gone to bed. He hadn’t even noticed that my sneakers were still on. That worked in my favour. I counted in my head, waiting for Shades and the woman to be down at the bottom floor and out of the building. I counted for one-hundred and eighty second. Shades had a quick stroll when he had just gotten off.

I left his room and walked as quickly as I could through the apartment. No one else was up and I was able to make my escape. I had though of staying until he came back and confronting him about how he had treated me, but I realized that some battles did not need to be fought. Sometimes, the best way to fight a battle was to choose myself. That was a victory, however hard won it was. I was not leaving his room with my tail between my legs. Instead, I was choosing a new path for myself and holding my head high, proud that I had been strong enough to realize that I was worth more than Shades was willing to give me.

I went to spend the night at the mission. They had a cut off time for rooms and I was lucky to get in. I remember lying there on a plain bed with a blanket, too awake to sleep, listening to the sounds of the traffic outside the room and watching as the light played in shadows across the walls of the room.

When my alarm clock went off, I was surprised to find that I had actually fallen asleep. I took a shower at the mission, trying to be as quick as possible. I needed refuse and comfort so that I could lick my wounds. I dressed as quickly as possible and left the mission, thankful that in the midst of the shadows it was there, shining like a light.

The Youth Services Bureau was full of people that day. As I took a cup of coffee, I looked for a friendly face. I didn’t have to wait long. Sunshine found me and threw his arms around me. “Why do you look like the cat who has been kicked, honey?”

“I left Shades.” I said.

A wide smile broke out on his face. “Honey, thank goodness. I thought I would have to do an intervention!” He gave me another hug. “You’re worth more than ten of him.”

“What am I going to do?” I asked him, feeling the fear that I thought I had left behind at Shade’s apartment fill my mind. “Where am I going to go?”

“Honey, I told you already. You can come and stay with me. I live with two other guys, but they’re cool and the apartment is plenty big with lots of space.”

“Are you sure it is okay?” I asked, not wanting to impose myself upon another person.

“I told you a long time ago that you’re welcome at my place. I’m just surprised that it took you so long.” He gave me a bright smile and a quick hug. “You’re coming home with me, honey.”