Tag: Comfort

Chapter Twenty-Five – 4 of Wands

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir

The idea of having my own home was still odd to me.

I had to share the washroom with four other men, but my room was mine and no one could take that from me. My meagre amount of clothes barely filled the dresser, but they weren’t in my bag or on the floor. I had my notebook on my desk, and I had alarm clock on the ledge of the window so that it was close by.

It was a comfort to have somewhere of my own to go home to. My childhood home had been filled with love when it could be found, but it tended to hide a lot. There was no love that could stand in the face of violence. Other homes held expectations that had cut off my air and forced me to be someone that I wasn’t. I was disabled and gay and I didn’t fit in.  I was reminded of this so often in various ways, most of them cruel. I tried to take my own life rather than live in a world that would try to take my light.

Home was not a word of comfort for me.

It took having my own room, four walls that provided safety, to realize that home had to start with myself. I had to be at home within myself. Only then could I carry the feeling of home wherever I went. This room wasn’t the ideal home, but it was mime. It was somewhere I could lay my head, somewhere I could read and a place where I could heal.

When the thinking got to be too much, when the four walls became too enclosing, I went looking for those that I loved who felt like home to me. I thought of these people as kindred souls, the ones that helped to keep the flame burning on the candle within shining bright. I found myself drawn more and more to Lisa’s place. It often felt more like home than my room. There were always people dropping by to visit with Lisa. They were from the Pagan community like Sophie and Jess, and they were so open and welcoming. If I had a question about Paganism, something I was struggling to understand, they helped me.

I started going to the Pagan brunches every Sunday at the James Street Feed Co. Everyone shone. I was surprised at how much I felt at home with these people. They were so warm. Almost all of them hugged me close as if they had known me for years when we may have only just met. The Pagans that Lee introduced me to were some of the most beautiful people that I had met. Their light made them beautiful.

They seemed to come from everywhere and from all walks of life. Some of them worked for the government, some were social workers and private care workers, others were artists and poets, dancers and singers. The people that I met at the Pagan brunches didn’t fit any kind of category. They were all completely themselves and seemed to defy categorization. There were Wiccans, Druids, Bards and all manner of different kinds of Pagan. Instead of turning a blind eye or a judgemental one towards what they didn’t think fit in, the Pagan brunches welcomed everyone.

Everyone was home within the tree of life that Paganism offered.

After I attended a few more brunches, I felt more at home with these people that had welcomed me as much as I welcomed them. Much as I had felt at home on the streets, or in my one room, I felt at home here. I got to know more of the people and it felt like I was getting to know myself the further I let myself delve into Paganism. It was a revelation.

I found myself reading more about gods and monsters and the different paths of Paganism. I was gradually finding my way through it all and I had finally found the comfort home within a faith and spirituality that would finally have me just as I am without having to change who or what I was.

Just as I had a physical home in my room for my body, my mind and spirit had found a home, too.

Chapter Eight – Strength

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide

I’d woken in the night to hear the sounds of Shades having sex beside me.

Having expected this to happen at some point, I lay there beside him and felt my tears soaking my face and the cloth of my pillow. It was odd that he would make love next to one of the people he was supposed to be married to. I was used to this kind of irony, or at least my mindset expected it.

I reflected on two things at that moment: that he wasn’t having sex with Rainbow and that he was allowing me to be present for such a carnal act. It was like the final slap in the face, as if he were inviting me to join in some kind of rite or ritual.

When he was done, Shades and the woman left to go to some bar. I remember the look of his eyes when he left. It was like two shards of ice in the dark. I was reminded of being able to see the eyes of a cat in the dark; if you were quick enough, you could gather them to you, but you had to be careful because they had the potential to hurt.

My bag was ready and so was I. I had not stripped down to my underclothes when I had gone to bed. He hadn’t even noticed that my sneakers were still on. That worked in my favour. I counted in my head, waiting for Shades and the woman to be down at the bottom floor and out of the building. I counted for one-hundred and eighty second. Shades had a quick stroll when he had just gotten off.

I left his room and walked as quickly as I could through the apartment. No one else was up and I was able to make my escape. I had though of staying until he came back and confronting him about how he had treated me, but I realized that some battles did not need to be fought. Sometimes, the best way to fight a battle was to choose myself. That was a victory, however hard won it was. I was not leaving his room with my tail between my legs. Instead, I was choosing a new path for myself and holding my head high, proud that I had been strong enough to realize that I was worth more than Shades was willing to give me.

I went to spend the night at the mission. They had a cut off time for rooms and I was lucky to get in. I remember lying there on a plain bed with a blanket, too awake to sleep, listening to the sounds of the traffic outside the room and watching as the light played in shadows across the walls of the room.

When my alarm clock went off, I was surprised to find that I had actually fallen asleep. I took a shower at the mission, trying to be as quick as possible. I needed refuse and comfort so that I could lick my wounds. I dressed as quickly as possible and left the mission, thankful that in the midst of the shadows it was there, shining like a light.

The Youth Services Bureau was full of people that day. As I took a cup of coffee, I looked for a friendly face. I didn’t have to wait long. Sunshine found me and threw his arms around me. “Why do you look like the cat who has been kicked, honey?”

“I left Shades.” I said.

A wide smile broke out on his face. “Honey, thank goodness. I thought I would have to do an intervention!” He gave me another hug. “You’re worth more than ten of him.”

“What am I going to do?” I asked him, feeling the fear that I thought I had left behind at Shade’s apartment fill my mind. “Where am I going to go?”

“Honey, I told you already. You can come and stay with me. I live with two other guys, but they’re cool and the apartment is plenty big with lots of space.”

“Are you sure it is okay?” I asked, not wanting to impose myself upon another person.

“I told you a long time ago that you’re welcome at my place. I’m just surprised that it took you so long.” He gave me a bright smile and a quick hug. “You’re coming home with me, honey.”