Tag: Clive Barret

Chapter Sixty-One – Queen of Swords

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life

After the magic circle, I ran into Soph and his friend Katie. They walked towards me and I my spirit was buoyed by the fact he smiled as he looked at me. When I got closer to him, Katie smiled and gave him a nudge in the ribs.

“Hi,” he said to me.

I found it amazing the amount of meaning that one small word could have. I could feel the blush starting in my cheeks and I gave him what I was sure was a wobbly smile. “Hi,” I said back. “Um, how are you?”

“Soph has been talking about nothing but you,” Katie said.

My blush deepened. “Really?”

“Yeah, nothing x rated or anything, but he’s into you.”

“Really?” I wished my brain would think of something else to say.

“Really.” Soph said. I could see a yearning in his eyes, and I wanted to give into that emotion. Soph had seen me naked and had not run from me. He wanted me, I could feel that from where I stood. It would be so easy and still, I held myself back.

I heard someone walking up behind me and I watched as Soph and Katie kind of snapped to attention. The look of lust in Soph’s gaze was gone, replaced with what looked like fear. I hear a voice behind me.

“Jamieson are you done with your bath?” I turned to find Sophie at my side. “Excellent, come and walk with me.” She looped an arm around one of mine. “Good morning Soph, Katie.”

They nodded and smiled at her and stood stock still as if afraid to move. I gave Soph one last glance until Sophie snapped her fingers in my face. “Focus on me, please.”

“Sorry,”

“It’s okay. I’m all for a sure thing, Jamieson. But too much of a good thing can be harmful.”

“It depends on what it is.”

“Yes and no. I mean, far be it from me to tell you not to go after a sure thing, but shouldn’t you work on loving yourself instead for now?”

We walked and I took comfort from the breeze that moved around us, as if it were asking me to choose a path. I noticed that the wind seemed to be even stronger when I was with Sophie, but I didn’t know if that was my imagination or the way she conducted herself. I know that she spoke from a place of wisdom and I tended to take her words to heart.

“I’m going to say this and you’re going to listen and you can decide to do with the words as you wish. Are you listening?

I could hear the sounds of the air whispering in the leaves of the trees and watched as my cigarette smoke was dancing around me, twisted into curls and ribbons by the wind. I stopped walking and turned to face her. “Yes, I am.”

“You’re still broken,” she said, placing a hand on where my heart lay within my chest. “You’re broken, hurting and lost. You had true love, it takes a long time to get over that.”

“Francis didn’t love me.”

“Yes, he did. Anyone looking at the two of you could see that he loved you as much if not more than you loved him. It’s why he pushed you away.”

I snorted. “I’m too young, apparently.”

She took my cigarette out of my hand and dropped it on the dirt path and squashed the ember with her right foot. Then she placed her hands on my shoulders and looked into me, not just at me. “You are young in heart but old in spirit. That’s a good thing. It means that you will always believe in the possibility of love, but don’t you think you need to love yourself, first? I have nothing against a roll in the hay, that should be a requirement for everyone. But you won’t find yourself in the bed of another.”

A tear slid down my cheek, made all the more real because it was such a beautiful day. “Why did he leave me?” I asked.

Sophie took a moment to think before she answered. I could see her choosing her words, trying to convey her words as clearly as she could. “Because he was afraid. When you meet your soulmate, you have two choices, run towards them or run away. Francis made his choice and now you have to make yours.”

We stood there listening to the wind for a moment and I tried to let the thoughts that there was something wrong with me, that Francis left me because I was damaged float away in the wind. I knew that it would take time, those thoughts had hooked themselves deeply in my mind.

“Well, if he was my soulmate, then that’s it. There’s no other love for me,” I said.

Letting out a laugh, Sophie looped her arm through mine again. “Now if you believe that, you are a fool. A person meets as many soulmates in their life as they are ready for. Francis was your first, but there will be others.” She gave me a rare smile. “Now come, take me back to camp. I’d love another cup of coffee and I wouldn’t say no to something else to eat, either.”

Chapter Fifty-Eight – 10 of Swords

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Personal Growth, Someone Else’s Life

That night, I found myself by the fire.

We had set up our tents and cooked our food. It was a communal affair, people that Lisa and Sophie knew stopping by the fire to say hello and share food. Others would come and share their mead with us or a cigarette. The sound of fires crackling mingled with the low music of people talking. The fire of voices could be heard as everyone enjoyed their food and the joy of being together.

It was unlike any experience with food I’ve ever had. Normally, food was a means to an end to fill a void when I noticed that it was there. I had gotten so used to not eating enough. I didn’t need to. This was the first time that I realized food could be healing. More than the food, it was the people who made it and shared it with us. We shared with those that stopped by our campsite. It wasn’t much, just a spare piece of chicken or a toasted bun, perhaps a cigarette to help the words flow past the lips, but that wasn’t the point.

Every meal was like this, the entire camp taking the time to really eat, share and palaver. With each meal, a part of me was able to let go of one of the bricks that I carried with me. I watched as each person that sought use out and shared food with us took a brick from my wall. Each would make something different with the bricks; in their hand, one of the pieces of my wall would become a piece of food to give to another, or a cigarette that would send the smoke to the sky that was darkening as the day went on.

I watched as stars began to appear and I had never seen them shine so brightly. Living in the city, I could see them, but a lot of the time there was this film of fog over them. Here, in the arms of nature, the stars could show me how beautiful they really were. I don’t know if it was the lack of pollution or the magic in the air, but the stars were lit from within. They were jewels in the sky and thought I would be able to just reach up into the black velvet sky and pluck one to keep with me.

I could smell fire.  Lisa tool hold of my hand and said two words. “It’s time.”

I knew that she spoke of the fire. She had told me all about it as we planned and packed and during the ride up in the car to the island. “It’s this primal force, Jamieson. Imagine a fire as big fire, at least twenty feet across. Hundreds of people dancing around it as groups of others play their drums! Picture it, Jamieson! You have never seen anything like it!”

And indeed, I hadn’t. Though Lisa, Sophie, Fox and Jenn had given me their impressions of the fire, nothing could have prepared me for what I saw as we rounded the turn in the dirt path and came upon the fire. It seemed bigger than what I had imagined, impossibly big and I could see sparks that filled up the night sky, dancing with the stars.

I could hear a wind that spoke higher than the fire. It called to me, welcomed me to fire and the flames danced higher as the breeze took hold of the flames. I was pulled by it into the crowd of people already circling the fire. They had painted their bodies with sparkly paint, draped feathers in their hair and had hung bells around their necks and writs. One woman had painted over her nipples with red and gold sparkles. She had red hair and it reflected the actual flames in front of her it looked as if her hair was made of fire. She held out a hand to and I took it. I took it, knowing that I was making a choice.

I took her hand, knowing that it would leave me changed. I didn’t want to run from myself anymore. The smoke, flame and the music of people’s voices were a music to me that was soon joined by the sound of more drums. I swirled into the flow of the people, the light turning all of us into spirits, made of wind, fire and flame. The light transformed mc in that moment; as I danced, I moved with the others and let myself feel the thrill of the music. I danced and moved with the others, others singing out loud with the music, filling the air with magic and sound.

I lost myself to the beat and the thrum of the drums, the feeling of the air moving around me. I let myself be free of the weight I was carrying and the need to keep myself separate from everyone else as if there was something wrong with me. Someone handed me a bottle of mead, and I took a health swig of the liquid before handing it back with thanks.

I danced so that I could be free enough to fly. I gave myself over to the air and release what was holding me back. I let my mind go and soon, there was only the dance and the beat that moved me. Looking up into the night sky, I saw the stars playing hide and seek with the smoke from the fire and I knew that I would be okay.

Chapter Fifty-Seven – 9 of Swords

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Personal Growth, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

My first impression of Kaleidoscope was one of joy.

When our car drove up to the camping site, there were already hundreds of people that had arrived earlier that day. They milled about in the hot summer sun wearing whatever they pleased. There were men wearing dresses and skirts, women wearing leather and others wearing loin cloths and sandals. Others were wearing feather boas with sparkle paint all over their bodies and they glittered in the sun. I watched them move and the blinking of the sun made it look as if they were filled with light.

I heard people calling out to each other and I wanted to jump out of the car and throw myself into this world at the same time that I wanted to hide away in the car. The will to experience the rhythm won out and I knew that I wanted to lose myself in the crowd.

My body was vibrating with possibility and the smoke coming from my cigarette was dancing with the music I could hear in the air. As we parked, I opened the car door and stepped out into summer heat, I could hear drum music playing somewhere in the distance, the sound of people talking and somewhere nearby, a person singing along with the beat of the drums. The air around me was filled with magic. The chill that had been within me since Francis melted a little as I stood there letting the sun shine down on me.

Soon, we had gathered all of our bags and food and were trying to find our way in what was known as tent city. I felt disoriented by the sea of coloured surfaces, walkways and paths. I kept looking around me, trying to commit everything to memory.

“Don’t worry,” Lisa said. “You’ll get used to it. By the end of the week, you will be able to find your way from the swimming hole back to the tent. I know it doesn’t seem like it now but trust me. The land here takes care of us if we take care of it.”

Lisa had found me a space near her tent. That way, we could wake and make breakfast over the open fire together. Lisa’s boyfriend Carl had arrived before us and had chosen a really wonderful group of plots that were close to the portable toilets. “This is where you want to be,” Lisa said. “Trust me, you don’t want to be trying to find the washroom in the dark when you gotta go. This here is prime real estate.”

I hadn’t camped such a long time. Lisa had lent me nearly everything. I had a tent that would old three people, a lantern to keep the tent lit and to help me find my way to the washroom and an extra flashlight. I had brought my book, a journal and a few pens and my roll of foam. It had provided me comfort for so long and it was nice to have a touchstone, something that had provided me comfort for so long.

I didn’t do well with fear and I was terrified. I didn’t know what was involved in a spiritual reset, but I knew that it was going to happen here, I just didn’t know what it would involve. Even though I was afraid, I had to try and see this through.

After setting up my tent and laying out my foam and sleeping bag, I changed out of my jeans and into a sarong, a flowing piece of fabric that I wrapped around myself like a towel. Sophie had said that Pagan people could be a little bit freer on the island. I figured I was willing to ty anything once. I came out of my tent, my sarong fluttering in the breeze and my purse comfortable. It carried my wallet. Lisa said she saved all year for Kaleidoscope. “There are vendors all over the place, Jamieson. There are the mead people who make and sell their own mead. They’re always popular, but there are all sorts of craftspeople. Some of them make charms, cloaks and wands, jewelry and headpieces. There are all kinds of different foods on offer, too. Think of it like an open-air market. I found the most amazing oracle deck here once. Have you ever used Medicine Cards? I got my deck here two years ago with the bear claw pendant I wear.” I had seen the pendant shaped like a bear paw that hung next to her pentagram. “They sell all kinds of things here. You never know what you’ll find.”

I was hoping to find myself. I had lost or given away pieces of who I was. If I stood still long enough in the sunshine, the light would find its way through the cracks of me. If I looked down at my body, I could see the fissures and fault lines shining gold.

We walked along the main road of the campsite that threaded its way through the entire place. The vendors were set up there underneath the trees so that they were in the shade. Lisa introduced me to all kinds of people that I had never met before and even a few people that I had met but didn’t know too well. It was overwhelming to meet so may people and try to remember so many names, but I knew that I would remember most of them eventually.

Like the land, the people here would become familiar after a time. I just wondered when that would be. I tried to let the wall that I carried around with myself down a little. I had visions of having no wall at the end of the week. I didn’t know if that would happen, but I could dream. Even though the wall hurt me to carry, I had to keep a piece of it. I could never give all of myself to anyone else. Francis had taught me that I had to keep a piece of myself hidden within the depths of who I was.

As I walked along the path where the vendors were, taking in the sights of what was on offer, talking to the other people I met, I imagined that I was leaving a trail of blood behind me, the drops looking like rubies in the sunlight.

Chapter Fifty-Five – 7 of Swords

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

I was getting itchy.

It had been two years. I had ended up on the streets at seventeen and I was nineteen now. In two years, it felt like I had lived a lifetime. I thought of where I was now, and I knew that it was but a facet of my life. Depending on the way I turned the dice, another piece of my path would show itself and I would find myself faced with another choice.

Two years, filled with so many different things. In that time, I had experienced true friendship and had met people that filled me with joy. I found hope, started to believe in the power of dreams. I had found the small joys, like beautiful music heard through a window and the joy of food shared amongst people you loved.

I had also experienced two years of a wonderous fear of never knowing where you are going to sleep, find food for yourself, let alone people that you could trust. At times, all I kept close to me where my alarm clock and my Tarot deck. The Ancient Egyptian Tarot was the only link I had with my brother, and I’d like to think that in some way, he was keeping me safe.

I was fucking tired. I was tired of not having my own home, somewhere that I could close a door, where I owned everything within four walls. I wanted a couch and a television. I wanted to know that I could lock the door and that had my own room to sleep in. I wanted a bed. I didn’t want to sleep on a piece of foam on the floor.

I’m not sure why this clicked with me suddenly, but I woke up a little. I wanted more. I was so tired, and I wanted a home. I looked at the state of Lisa’s apartment, the dishes half-filled with old water. I wanted to consist of more than a diet of white bread and peanut butter, cigarettes and pot. I was so fucking tired.

I wanted more.

Without Lisa knowing, I started looking for another place to live. I knew that I wanted four walls around me, some kind of privacy and a different live than this one. I wanted a key ring, an address that people could send mail to. I wanted a bed. I didn’t want to be a nomad anymore.

I also knew that I would have to do this without Lisa. She didn’t want to get off welfare, and she had been on it for much longer than I had. Part of me felt like a thief as I started to inquire about good places to go and find a job. I felt like I was betraying her in some way. That by wanted to step away from this life, for wanting more, she would see it as a betrayal.

We were sitting out front having a cigarette and there was a cup of coffee in front of each of us. I tried to find calm in the sounds of the world waking up around me. I felt like I was telling my mother that I wanted to move out on my own and I knew that this was a big thing for me. I heard a bird call and it seemed like it was urging me on. I closed my eyes for a moment, taking joy from the sun that warmed my skin.

“I’m pregnant.” Lisa said.

I opened my eyes and looked at her. The sun was hitting her face, and she was squinting into it. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” She took a long puff on her cigarette. When she was letting the smoke out, she looked down at the cigarette in her hand. “Huh. I’ll probably have to change to from regular smokes to DuMaurier lights, so the babies okay.”

The words that I wanted to say died on my tongue. There was no way I could step away from her now. I thought of the fact that she had given me space in her home, her food. Lisa had offered me safety. I had to make sure that she was okay. I reflected on the stated of her apartment and thought that it was no place for a baby to grow up in.

“I need your help with this. I want you to be my birth coach.”

I let out a puff of smoke. I watched the cloud of air float away full of words that I hadn’t said. I could see the odd word held safely within the smoke. “Me? Why me?”

“You’re my best friend, Jamieson. I don’t trust many people, but I would trust you with my life. I want my child to have the same guidance that you give me.”

“What kind of guidance can I give a child?” I asked her. “I don’t provide you with guidance, not really.”

“Jamieson, you’re tough. You’ve survived so much, you’ve seen and experienced horrors, but somehow despite it all, you’re positive. Your outlook on life astonishes me.” Taking another puff off of her smoke, she pointed it at me like a wand. “I don’t know how you can be happy having to live with everything you have to carry inside you. I don’t know how you’d do it. I’d be fucking miserable. I want my child to have that kind of mentality and that kind of light.” Smoke left her mouth, and I watched as it joined the cloud of smoke that held my words. As the tongues of smoke mingled, my words could be seen more clearly and I could see the word hope contained in the smoke before it, too, disappeared.

“I’d love to be your birth coach, I’m honoured.” I told her, meaning every word.

I wondered at the life I had been about to make for myself and now I knew that it would come, that I was ready, but it would not be now. I didn’t want to slither off into the night like some kind of thief either. Now that I had made the decision to move on, I knew that it would become possible.

That was enough for now.

Chapter Fifty-Four – 6 of Swords

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Personal Growth, Someone Else’s Life

Sophie was beginning work on a tarot deck.

She had gathered a few of her Pagan friends to be different cards. A lot of people wanted to be part of the Major Arcana cards, but I was fine with just being included in the deck. When Sophie told me that I could have my choice of the Minor Arcana, I thought about what I was trying to achieve on this new path without Francis. I had gone from being part of something to being alone and, though I recognized what he had done to protect himself, I wasn’t sure how to move forward.

“You’re such a Swords,” she said, describing the suit as if it were a personality trait. “You’re a writer and a creative like me and Swords are such a creative suit.”

I shook my head. “I just find them so violent.”

“They don’t have to be, it depends on how you look at them. You wouldn’t be the Ace of Swords, maybe the Two of Swords?”

I shook my head again. “Can’t there be another card?”

Sophie looked me up and down, wondering where to place me in her deck. After some time, she spoke. “How about the Two of Pentacles? You’re just starting on your true creative journey, so how about we give you some balance as you go forward?”

She had me dress in a white’s poets’ blouse and striped pants, as if I were some kind of circus performer. I took Sophie’s hand with my left hand, and I took hold of her boyfriend James’ with my right.  They had me get up on to a large tree branch and when I was balanced, they let go so that James could take the photo with Sophie directing him and making sure that he got the right shot. High up on the branch, I could see everything and everyone that was at the farm. Francis was the Magician card, and Lisa was the Star card. Jess was the Hermit and Fox was trying to be The Emperor, but Sophie wanted Fox to be The Hange Man, but Fox didn’t want to hang from a tree as James had suggested.

I had seen Francis walking around all morning and just as I stayed away from him, he stayed from me. I tried to keep my eyes from looking at him, but they were drawn to Francis and the surety that he conducted himself with. He walked around the grounds with such confidence that I was jealous of him. I didn’t feel nearly that comfortable with myself, especially with the storm that he had caused within me.

My eyes were drawn to Francis as Sophie and James helped me along the long tree branch. It felt like I was perched within the trees and I smelled the earth. I could also feel the wind moving around me. The day was hot and humid, and the wind was warm. I could smell honeysuckle and the ever-present smell of manure that was used as fertilizer from the farm next door. I could smell the leaves of trees and the mustiness that came from the shadows.

I turned away from Francis and the pain that he caused in me. I had tried to patch the holes that he had left in my heart, but I could hear the wind whistling through them. My heart sounded hollow, and I wanted to fill it with something else other than the withered heart that I had chosen to keep safe inside of a metal box. Looking out at the wide-open expanse of the fields in front of me, I let myself imagine the grass like a green sea that could take me somewhere else where I could let myself heal.

I looked away from Francis and what he represented and chose to turn away from him and toward what would come in the future instead. I knew that he had been my first love, but I knew that there would be others.

Sophie explained that I would have to balance on the tree branch on my own for a few minutes while James grabbed the shot from different angles and she made sure that I would be comfortable with that. The Pentacles would be added in digitally afterwards. I nodded and they both took their hands away. I followed Sophie’s instructions about how she wanted me to pose.

I let nodded again and put my arms out on either side of me to get my balance before I moved them in front of me. With my cerebral palsy, I wasn’t sure how long I was going to be able to stay on the tree branch, but right now, for this moment, I was holding my balance, and I didn’t feel like I was going to fall. I was surprised by how free I felt.

With my palms held open to the sun and my gaze on the sky and sea of grass, I felt like I was flying.