Tag: Bond

Chapter Thirty-Eight – 3 of Cups

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life

That night, I walked home with Fox and Lisa.

“You weren’t supposed to kiss him!” she said. She sounded like she was admonishing me, but there was laughter in her voice.

“Well, what was I supposed to do?”

“He was supposed to help you heal, talk about your feelings about what happened.”

Fox let out a chuckle. “It looked like there was lots of healing going on there, but I could have misread the situation.” He nudged gently in the ribs. “But I don’t think I did.”

I blushed and wondered if my friends could see it in the darkness as my cheeks burned so brightly. “You’re not wrong.” I said, grinning.

“I didn’t think so. I’m happy for you, man.”

“Thanks,”

“I still think you should have talked first before you started making out.”

“We did talk first,” I told her. “We talked all night.”

“Yeah, but you did you talk about what you’d been through?”

I sighed inwardly. I didn’t want to talk about this in front of Fox. I know that he would accept whatever I had to tell him, but right now, only Lisa, Francis and I knew what I had been through. I didn’t want to bother another person with the sadness that I carried. “Can we just focus on joy this evening? I had a great night, I won the contest, and I don’t feel any shadows around me for one. Can we talk later and just live the joy?” I was far too elated to let her slip up bother me. I had finally kissed a man that found me attractive and wanted to get to know me instead of viewing me as an inconvenience or a freak. “I want to celebrate.” I said.

Lisa stopped and lit three cigarettes, passing one to Fox and one to me. “Can we talk about how you two were eye-fucking each other the entire time? You could cut the sexual tension with a knife around you two.”

Both Fox and I laughed, and it was so wonderful to laugh about something so wonderful. “True, I thought you guys were totally going to dry hump right there.”

“Stop it!” I said, the laughter in me increasing. I was giddy with the sheer joy of it.

“Why would we stop?” Lisa said, grinning. “You wanted a celebration and the sheer act of laughing means that this is a celebration.” She took a mickey of booze out of her purse and showed it to us. “Come on boys, the night is young.”

I led us down a path where the trees opened up above us and we could see the night sky. I could see a few stars shining and I felt like a wish I hadn’t even made had been answered. I watched as the cigarette smoke mingled with the stars, making them look like they were showing themselves through clouds. I wondered if the stars were different than the night before; I certainly felt different.

“You’re glowing, dude.” Fox said.

I blushed even deeper than last time. “Thanks.”

“Just be careful,” Lisa said. “I’ve known Francis a long time and he’s always been alone. He’s never even been attracted to anyone as far as I know.”

“Till me,”

“Till you.” She threw her cigarette butt to the ground and stepped on it to put it out, sending a shower of sparks that bloomed out over the pavement. “I just don’t want you getting hurt. I’m only saying this as your friend.”

“I know.” And I did. She was a mother to all of us, really. She couldn’t help but worry about me. Lisa knew about most of the ways I’d been hurt. She said that’s what made me such a good warrior.

“Remember, Jamie. Warriors don’t feel pain. They take it in and use it to move forward.”

“I know,” I said again.

There was a moment of silence between the three of us. There were so many emotions running through me that it was all I could do just to let myself feel them. The one that came to the surface of the water the most was joy, an absolute, all-consuming joy. It felt good and I felt amazing. I hadn’t

“Dude, can we talk about the kiss?” Fox said. “That kiss was epic!”

I let out a laugh and marvelled at how good a kiss could make me feel. When I looked at Lisa and Fox, we all started laughing. Lisa surprised both Fox and I by letting out a warrior cry that was echoed the joy I felt. She started running as if she wanted to chase down the moon and Fox and I ran after her.

I put my arms out as I ran and, for a moment, I could have sworn that I was flying.

Chapter Thirty-Seven – 2 of Cups

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life

We talked well into the night.

Francis’ roommate Stacey came back and placed two purses and her beer on the bar between Francis and myself. “You lovebirds okay to watch our purses?” she said. “Lisa and I are going to dance and it looks like you two have a lot more to talk about.” She gave Francis a coy smile as she walked away and held up both thumbs.

Francis flushed and smiled at her. “Go on and dance,”

I shook my head a little. “What was the thumbs up about?”

The blush on Francis’ cheeks deepened and he held up his beer to clink his bottle against mine. “Thank you for this,” he said.

“For what?” I asked him. I found it odd that he would want to thank me for anything.

“I don’t have to speak about it with you,” he said. “You have no idea how annoying it is to have introduce themselves and then ask if any of the rumours are true. I didn’t have to explain myself to you, you have already experienced the same trauma.”

I shook my head again. “Lisa said that your assault was worse than mine,” I told him.

“Don’t you see? It’s not about whose experience was worse than who’s. The fact is that you already understand the pain.” He waved his hand at the people in the bar, the smoke from his cigarette like a lasso looping them all together. “The rest of them want to imagine how bad it was so that they can quantify it, make it into something they can understand.” He said. “I don’t have to do that with you, Jamieson. You’ve already felt the kind of pain that I’ve experienced. You don’t know what kind of a relief that is.”

I looked into is eyes so that he would understand me. “I’ve only told Lisa,” I said in a shameful whisper. “She’s the only one that knows.”

“So? At least you’ve told someone. And now, both Lisa and I know, the three of us. There is magic in the number three. To me, they are like joy and from that joy is the seed to start again.”

I don’t know why the prospect of others knowing my shame and not being judged for it or being seen as weak brought me joy, but it did. The fact that Lisa and now Francis knew what had happened to me and didn’t see me as someone to be pitied brought me out of my shame a bit. In that moment, I realized that it had not been something I had asked for. It had been something that had been done to me. Something had been taken, I had not given it. I stood there looking at Francis and wondered why the world seemed so much clearer when I was by his side.

I was still frantic from my win and the energy between Francis and I felt like it was electric, as if there were strings of lightning between us that I could not see but could certainly feel. I felt things within me that I had assumed would be gone forever. Every time he touched my hand or brushed a finger along my palm, I could feel the heat begging for release of some kind. The connection between us was strong. I did wonder briefly about a connection made because of pain. In that moment, I wondered if the connection was so strong because we both wanted to find joy, so we found it in each other.

The music switched from a song with flutes and started playing a remix of Fuck You Like An Animal by Nine Inch Nails started playing. It was one of my favourite songs and I could feel the beat running through me. I wanted to lose myself in the music. Up until recently, the worlds that I found in books and the lyrics in songs and music hadn’t ever judged me. They gave me a place where I belonged.

I went out on to that dance floor and I knew that I didn’t look like anyone else. I was wearing a loud purple tshirt with a green sweater vest, white jeans and scuffed Doc Martin’s. I was the epitome of nervousness and uncertainty and as I walked toward the dance floor, I could feel Francis’ eyes on me. The intensity of his stare made me lose myself in the music even more and I let the beats of the song pull me away from myself. I lost myself in the moment and didn’t think about how I looked, what Francis thought and tried to ignore the fact that he was still watching. I didn’t care whether I was elegant or refined in my movements, I just let the music dictate how I had to dance.

I kept moving until the song came to an ending and opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was Francis and it was to him that I walked towards, even feeling like I was being pulled to him. There was no way to stop, I wouldn’t have if I could have tried. I got to him and he put his arms around me. “That was some mating dance you just did,” he said and then his lips were upon mine and the whole world stood still.

Nothing else mattered at that moment but Francis and his embrace and I happily lost and found myself as I gave in to the kiss. The air around us was silent but I could feel the beat of the music and our hearts running through me and I was alive with it. I had read and watched moments like this, but I never expected to experience one. Connections between two people like this only happened in books, movies and television and here I was having one in real life. This had to be real, I thought. This had to be real, only nothing like this ever happened to me.

When the kiss broke and the sound returned, we pulled apart and just looked into each other. All I could see were the rushing waters in his eyes and I wondered if my eyes looked full of wonder, too?

“Well, this is a nice surprise,” he said.

I had to agree. Even though we didn’t kiss again that night, it felt like a decision had been made between us. I gave him the number for my pager and felt a thrill when he placed the number in his wallet. “I’ll call you.”

I nodded, trying to swallow my heart and keep myself from giving it to him right away. I needed to keep my heart to myself tonight so that I could relive every moment. Even if nothing else ever happened between Francis and myself, I had to know that this night happened.

I had to believe that wishes did come true.

Chapter Six – The Lovers

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide

Shades had proposed.

There was nothing big about it, no drawn-out proposal or big show of it. One morning as we smoked in bed, he said to me “I think we should get married.”

I was ready for us to take our relationship to a different level, and I felt a light bloom to life inside of me, becoming a flame that began to burn brightly and flicker, tickling my ribs. I was filled with hope, sure that I had misread everything.

“I’d love to,” I said.

“Good, Rainbow will be happy.”

I was momentarily confused. “What does she have to do with you marrying me?”

“I asked her to marry me first. She said that she wouldn’t do it unless you agreed to it, too.”

A snort slipped past my lips and the sound was loud in the room. I knew that was the sound of the flame that had been growing within me withering down to a small seed of flame, barley any heat but lots of smoke. I couldn’t see through the haze of it. Shades looked like someone I didn’t even know. I turned my face this way and that, trying to see past the smoke so that I could see him, but it was like the smoke wanted me to really see Shades for who he was.

I closed my eyes so that the smoke would clear. “Really? You only want to marry me if Rainbow marries you?”

I could hear him taking a drag off his cigarette. “I love you, Jamieson. But I’ve got a street cred to deal with. I’ll lose some of that if I’m like totally gay.”

That flame within me extinguished to nothing. I held on to the smoke, the one remaining piece of the fire that had been alive, only if it was for a moment. “I don’t think people will care,” I said, knowing that his mind was made up. He had asked Rainbow first.

“Fuck the other people.” He said. “I’ll care.”

I sat there weighing the words that meant the most to me against everything else that he had said. Shades had told me that he loved me, I had to hold on to that. Someone loved me, a man loved me. I thought of the other words he had said, about masculinity and street cred, and I imagined myself holding both sets of words in my hands. Opening my eyes, I looked down at my hands and for a moment, I could see an apple in one hand and a flame in the other. I had a choice to make. I nodded and chose the apple.

“When did you want to do it?” A part of me slipped away from myself. “I know a place.”

I wore my best jeans and a t-shirt. Shades and Rainbow followed me. I was the only one that knew where we were going. I had a spot that I liked to go to, where I could watch the world around me and not have to worry about finding my place within it. The Rideau Canal locks were where I could pretend that my life was of my choosing. I could look around me at the tourists enjoying the locks for the first time and pretend I was their guide, showing them how to find their place on the mountain top so that they could see the world below them.

I had my own spot. I had marked it with black ink, drawing first a large J and then a W. I knew that no matter where I ended up in this world, I could always come back to this spot and remember where I had been. When I took Shades and Rainbow there, it was supposed to be a gift to them, letting them share my space that I had claimed for myself. They didn’t seem to realize the fact that my spot on the locks was special, that it was sacred just to me. Shades scuffed his foot over my initials and looked at me. “What’s so special about the locks? I’ve been here a lot.”

“We’re near the water, earth and air. Is that it, Jamieson?” Rainbow said this in a placating voice. Her and I understood sacred places and signs.

“Yes,” I said, not knowing if I could speak any further.

“Let’s do this thing.” He held out a hand to each of us. “Rainbow, I have the ring you’ve given me. I wear it as a bond, and we are connected through it.” He turned to me. “I need a ring, Jamieson.”

I took my high school graduation ring off of my finger. Shades pointed at my Wolf ring. “I want that one.”

I knew that I had a choice to make in that moment. I knew that I was at a crossroads and that the choice I made right now would affect every moment onward. In that moment, I chose myself. I took off my high school ring and gave it to him. He gave me a dark look, as if I had crossed him and I knew he saw my actions as such.

“I will wear you ring as a symbol of your affection for me,” he said, slipping the ring onto a finger on his left hand.

I couldn’t help but notice that he had chosen different words for me. I wondered if that meant our bond was fleeting.

That night, we shared a moment of privacy between the three of us. As the candlelight flickered in the dark and Shades concentrated on Rainbow, I knew that the two of them had forgotten about me. I was left alone in a corner of the room, wondering if this was the kind of love I really wanted.