Category: A Tarot Guide

Chapter Twenty-One – The World

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Tarot

It began slowly.

I noticed it growing more insistent each day. I had tried to ignore it and to shove it away from me, to pretend that there was just whimsy that had entered my mind and foolishness. I was filled with worry all the time and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t know how to be gentle with myself as I was with everyone else. I had been taught that to be gentle was to be weak and to be hopeful was to invite foolishness in.

Still, the idea wouldn’t go away.

Every time I went to bed at night, curled up on my roll of foam on the floor of Sunshine’s bedroom, I wanted more.

I wanted more than this. I knew that after a few months of living this way that I needed a sacred space of my own. I wanted to have a bathroom that I didn’t share Dan and Mike and Sunshine. Four people to a two bedroom people was a lot. I didn’t want to feel like I had to be on all the time. I needed a space of my own.

I knew this with my whole heart. Before the words started to pour out on their own, the vowels sliding over my lips and the consonants stabbing into my cheeks again, I told him. This was something I wanted and I had to believe that I was worth it.

“I have something I want to talk to you about.” I told him.

“Sounds serious. Hold on, serious talks require smoke to smudge the space.” He lit a cigarette and passed one to me before lighting one for himself. “Okay, honey. The floor is yours.”

I took a deep breath, sure that this would change our friendship. “I think I need to find a place of my own.” I said. Once the words were out, I felt an incredible weight lifted off of me. “I hope that’s okay.”

Sunshine’s eyes widened in shock and then relaxed. “I swear your psychic honey. You almost always know what I’m going to say and you say it before I do.”

I was confused. This was not the reaction I had been expecting. “What do you mean?”

“Well,” Sunshine said. “I’ve been trying to think of how to bring this up to you but couldn’t find the right way to say it.”

He looked really uncomfortable all of a sudden. “I don’t want you to think this is me talking, it’s Mike and Dan. They love having you around, but they thought you would leave eventually. I kept telling them that you were still sorting stuff out.”

“They want me out?” I asked. “I’m sorry, Sunshine. I really am.” I hated the idea of being a burden to anyone.

“Well, they said you don’t pay any rent here. I mean, it’s not an issue I have. I love having you here. You are like a brother to me.”

Hearing those words form him meant so much at that moment, being so far away from my own brother and my family. It had been such a long time since I had seen my brother and I missed him a little every day, especially being here. His legend lived large, and people reminded me of that all the time. I thought of Sunshine as my brother, too. He was more than a friend to me, he was family. I hated the fact that he had had to stand up for me and defend me against Mike and Dan. I should have been able to fight for my own honour. “I’m sorry,” I said.

“Don’t worry about it, honey. They have their panties in a wad about something like every fucking day and can’t figure out if they’re straight or gay yet but every night they fool around together. They’re a couple, yes, but a couple of what I’d like to know.”

He tapped out his cigarette and gave me an inquisitive look. “Now, back to you. I can help you look for a place or least find you someone who can. You’re not alone in this, honey. You’ve got me.”

I motioned around me. “I love this, I love living here with you, but I want my own place, I’ve wanted my own space for a while.” I let out a sigh. “But I have no idea how to go about it.

“Well, that’s easy. The YSB can help you find a place.”

“They can?”

“Sure, they helped Angel find a room to rent in a person’s apartment. They have a whole roster of places offering a room for rent. I’m sure they can find one for you.”

I set out with Sunshine that day feeling a sense of hope that I hadn’t had before. We went to the YSB right away after we grabbed something to eat. Walking into the centre felt different that day, as if I was about to witness a great change. Sunshine asked one of the workers there and they brought out a small binder with rooms and places to stay that were available and also willing to take the $325 from monthly welfare cheque.

I ended up going to see a room at a boarding house on Arlington. It was a small, dilapidated townhouse and I liked the aged aqua colour of the awnings, the flaked white paint of its walls. Sunshine and I knocked on the door and asked the man who answered it if they had any rooms for rent. The man who ran t he said he did, one had just become free.

Sunshine said that he would meet me in the square later and I gave him a quick hug. It felt odd to be starting the next part of my journey on my own, but it had been that way before and would be that way again. I had to get used to swallowing fear so that it could help me fly.

The person who ran the house was a little French man named Joey. He had a kind smile and large glasses that made his eyes look like they were dragonflies blinking at me from behind the lenses. He was older, he said, and ran this house on his own. He showed me to the large kitchen to that had windows that overlooked the street. Then he took me up the stairs and to the first door at the end of the hallway. He opened the door with a flourish as if I were about to enter a mystical place, and in a way I was.

The room held a bed, a small bookshelf, a dresser and a small desk. It was homey and warm with dull grey walls in a herringbone pattern and lots of warm coloured wood. There was a mirror that stood above the dresser and saw my reflection in the mirror. I didn’t turn away from myself but turned to look at all the space I had. There was a small window on the far side of the room, next to the built-in bookshelf.

“This would be all mine?” I asked him. I looked at the roll of foam and the purple backpack I carried with me. It was everything that I had in the world and it made the room seem bigger than it was.

“Of course it would be. You’re welcome here if you want to. I would be happy to have you.”

“Thank you,” I said.

I had to sign a contract with the house, and they would be in touch with the welfare office to make sure that he got paid. It was the fist of the month in a couple of days. I was worried, but Joey said to not pay that any mind. “What is a couple of days?” he said.

I nodded my thanks and didn’t tell him that to me, two days was everything. I looked at my room that was mine and I marvelled at the fact that it had a door with a lock and a lock meant safety. I sat on the bed and took out my two blankets and spread them out on the bed and finally felt at home for the first time in months.

Laying down on my own bed for the very first time, I wondered what the future would bring.

Chapter Twenty – Judgement

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot, Tarot Decks

There was a boy I liked.

Sunshine was the one who pointed it out first. When ever Matt was around, I became enraptured by him. He liked reading and loved to read my poems and what I had written. Matt had dark black eyes framed by what looked like a crown of eyelashes and looked at me when I spoke to him, like he really saw me. Every time he looked at me, it was like he saw into me and yet he didn’t run away. I was used to other men turning away from me once they learned that I was disabled. It was a fact of life and I had learned this young.

Matt was different in that he saw me, had read my words and read my most inner thoughts and still he didn’t turn from me. My words seemed to bring me closer to him and every time I showed up in the square, I looked for him.

“You’re infatuated with Matt.” Sunshine said.

I had been looking for Matt when Sunshine said this and turned back to him. “No I’m not.”

“Honey, I know a crush when I see one. That’s okay. It’s nice to see you still feeling things. I was worried about you. I didn’t want you to think that Shades was like all men out there. There are a lot of jerks, sure, but there are always others who aren’t.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. That hasn’t been my experience. I’m so new at being openly gay that I’m so unsure of myself.”

“That comes with time. You have to try, Jamie.” He smiled at me. “I’m glad you’re starting to open yourself up again.”

Matt came into the square and he saw me and waved at me as if we hadn’t seen each other in years. He ran over to me and hugged me and pulled out a new eye shadow he had gotten me. “Can I put it on you?” He asked.

It was a dark husky blue filled with lighter blue sparkles. I said yes and closed my eyes. I was surprised to feel the tip of the eye shadow brush tickle my lips. I could barely breathe and I knew that Matt was so close to me. I could smell the shampoo he had used earlier that day, the light musk of his skin. I could hear his breathing and it was low and rhythmic and I wanted to fall into it, into him.

“There!” He found a compact in his bag and held up the mirror. He had covered my lips in the eyeshadow and they looked like they were made of sapphires. I was surprised at how full my lips looked. He must have mistaken my shock for uncertainty because he started putting the eye shadow on his lips, too. “That way, we can be twins! You look fabulous and I want to look amazing”

I wore that lip colour for the rest of the day and so did Matt. We kept getting compliments and I loved it. I loved being seen and being told that I was beautiful. The two did not usually go together, at least in my mind. When I looked at myself, I did not see beauty. Every time I walked by a mirror or a reflective surface, I looked away. It hurt to look at my face in the mirror and I was usually more comfortable with being able to hide. The fact that the people calling me beautiful actually meant it was euphoric to me.

I started wearing make up and nail polish. I started dying my hair. I wanted to be noticed, but most of all, I wanted to be noticed by Matt. I wanted him to call me beautiful. I loved how he would hold my hands every day when I showed up in the square, eager to see what colour my nail polish was. I loved those moments where he would reach for me and I wondered if he felt the same way that I felt about him.

“Honey, all you gotta do is ask him. Tell him how you feel and see what he says, but I’d say that he feels the exact same way. He’s always going on about you when you’re not here! But I’d be a little careful if I were you.”

“Why?”

“Don’t you notice that he’s copying you? First with the eye shadow on his lips, then the nail polish and the hair. It’s like he’s waiting to see who you are before he decides what he wants to be. Just be careful, okay?”

I nodded but I knew that I didn’t want to be careful, I wanted to fight against my normal impulse to hide and let myself be completely seen for once. Matt made me feel like that was okay and that I deserved to be seen, even though there was always a part of me that encouraged me to stay hidden, that I got hurt less that way.

I waited for the right time to tell him that I liked him, but I never thought any time was the right time. This wouldn’t be the first time that I told a guy I liked him, but it was the fist time that a man had seen me completely and hadn’t run. I desperately wanted him to like me back and my brain kept obsessing over the right time to tell him. Months went by and I couldn’t find the right way to tell him.

One afternoon, we were all at home and Sunshine, Matt and I were all watching Rosmary’s Baby on his little television. Sunshine and I loved horror movies, so we picked them up when we could if they were cheap or free or we just watched our favourites. Matt had never seen Rosemary’s Baby, so we were all we were all watching together, Matt and I lying side by side with our heads propped up on pillows. Sunshine put the movie on pause.

“Okay lovebirds, I’ll be right back. Nature waits for no one.”

Words started to clamour and climb into my mouth, clawing at my throat, tongue and lips, eager to be spoken out loud. They came tumbling out. I didn’t know how long Sunshine would be in the bathroom and it felt right to tell him where I felt the safest. “Matt, I like you. I more than like you, I have for ages. I really like you as more than a friend.” We were still looking at the television, at Rosemary frozen in time, wondering what the fuck was going on.

The heartbeat I waited to hear what Matt said in reply felt like an eternity to me. “I know.” He said.

I looked at Matt for the first time, turning my head to look at him. I so wanted to find joy on his face that I was surprised to see sadness there before he turned away from me. I waited another lifetime to hear his response, but there was a knock at the door and then footsteps walking into the room. Louis sat down on the floor beside us and gave Matt and I a wide smile which I wasn’t able to return.

“What’s up douchebags?” I normally tried to stay clear of Luigi. He was a little older than us and he liked to sleep around a lot. I knew that he was rough business. He was nice enough to me and I gave the same back to him, but I turned down all his advances. Luigi gave me the bad vibes and not in a fun way. A rough goatee covered his chin, and his hair was blond with his black hair showing throughout. He looked like a skunk or some kind of rodent to me and I had known enough men like to know that he was best avoided.

Sunshine came back to the living room and gave Louis a look. “Look what the cat dragged in.”

“Haven’t you jerked off enough for one day?” Luigi said. “The walls of that bathroom must be covered with your jizz.”

“Har dee har har.” Sunshine said.

Luigi gave Matt a long leer. “Want to go somewhere and fuck?”

Matt looked as if Christmas had come early. “Yes, please!” He leapt up and Luigi put his arm around Matt possessively. They left together without Matt giving me a backward glance. Silence filled the room for a moment, Rosemary’s face staring frozenly back at us.

“What a shit.” Sunshine said.

“Which one?”

“Both of them honey. Both of them are fucking shit. Matt is dead to me.”

“It’s okay,”

“No, it’s not. Leading you on your some kind of love sick puppy and then kicking you when you tell him how you really feel.”

“You heard all that?”

“Honey, these walls are like cardboard.” He let out a snort of laughter and reached over to take my hand. “How are you?”  

I took a moment to answer. I looked within myself, and I could feel the hurt there. It was so new that I could feel it taking up shape within me. However, alongside that hurt was the resolve never to let anyone do that to me again. I felt like I was emerging from a cocoon and, though it wasn’t as nice and warm as the cocoon had been, it like I was waking up from a long and happy sleep.

Matt had left his purse. Inside the bag was his compact and I opened it so that I could see myself. I didn’t look any different, but the change was within. The hurt was there, but I was going to be okay.

“I’m okay,” I told him.

“No, you’re not. But that’s okay, too.”

He pressed play and we cuddled closer to each other and watched as Rosemary search for her baby and slowly lose herself to the paranoia that surrounded her.

Chapter Nineteen – The Sun

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot

I was at the Mission having lunch when I heard someone call out my brother’s name.

Turning automatically, I saw shock and knowing on the persons face. “Your him, but not him, aren’t you?”

“If you mean my brother, then yes and no.” I took in the sight of this man. He looked quite a few years older than me, mid thirties or so. His eyes were filled with curiosity and openness, which was rare. Almost all the people I had met here had storms in their eyes, having survived some kind of trauma and it left a mark on people. He had clouds in his eyes, but even from where I sat, when the clouds moved, I could see the light within him.

“I see that. You are less of a storm than he was and more of the sun.”

Beside me, Sunshine leaned forward. “My name is Sunshine, so what am I?”

The man blinked at him. “You are radiant, I think.”

“Oh, I like this guy.” Sunshine stage whispered to me.

“How long did you know my brother?”

The man shrugged. His hair was combed, and he had a bushel of a moustache and a thick grey beard. He reminded me of a librarian as he was wearing a cardigan and what looked like glasses hanging from a chain around his neck. “I knew him for some time. He was very kind to me on a few occasions and that’s not something you forget.

I thanked him and Sunshine and I finished our meal. As we were about to leave the table, the man called out to me. “I’m going to give you a piece of advice, young man. You need to look for what brings you joy. There is a storm brewing in you and I would hate for it to consume you.”

I shrugged. “I do have joy.” I looked over at Sunshine.

“You need a joy all your own. You can’t always depend on others to be around to keep your light alive.” He tapped my chest gently with the first two fingers of his right hand. “You need to find that joy and carry it in here. That will see you through.”

I thanked him, resisting the urge to give him a hug. I didn’t know if it was okay to hug strangers and I did want to hug him, but I resisted. Maybe he could see me hesitating because he took me in a soft and gentle hug. I let him hug me and I hugged him back. It was the first time that an older man had hugged me, and it brought me so much comfort instead of the fear that my father brought to life. He had never hugged me like this, simply for the sake of a hug. Every time that my father had come close, it had been to hurt, not to heal.

The man smelled of spicy aftershave and tobacco and I breathed that scent in. I’m not sure how long that hug went on for, only that for that moment, all that existed was that embrace. “You are braver than you know. Remember, joy is out there if you are willing to look for it.”

“Thank you,” I breathed. I blinked rapidly to keep the tears from falling.

Sunshine and I left the Mission and walked towards the YSB. I lit a cigarette, took a drag and handed it to him.

“That’s pretty amazing.”

“What is?”

“When everyday angels like that show up in your path.”

“What do you mean?”

“My mom always used to tell me about ordinary people that come into our paths just for an instant. They are supposed to bring us clarity, show us the road ahead or just help us in a moment of need.”

“Do you really think that’s what that man was? Some kind of angel?”

“Don’t you?” Sunshine said.

I thought about what the man had said. I needed to find my own joy in order to keep my light alive. I thought of the storm that had raged in my brother for as long as I’ve known him. It gave him the monicker of bad son and troublemaker, but I knew that what propelled him was a need to find out where his place was in this world and not being able to find a place for himself.

I was going through the same journey now and had to let go of the fear. I needed to remind myself that I had a lot to be joyful about. I had my street family, I had Sunshine, I had friends. I may not know where I was going, but I could see the road ahead of me more than I had been able to before.

There was joy to be found in that. I pictured a candle inside my chest right next to my heart. Its wick was lit with a small flame, a pinprick of light. It was a spark that had been given life inside of me. I cupped my hands around that small flame to keep it safe. I needed to shine my own light and every light began with a spark.

Chapter Eighteen – The Moon

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot

The world always looked different at night.

I was completely myself within the darkness of the streets. There was no need to hide myself because I was already hidden in the shadows. Renee was the first person to notice this. “Why do you avoid the light?”

We were walking in the square. The Ottawa Mission had a truck that would drop by the square and give out clothing, blankets and warm food like prepared soups. Renee and I walked around the square, our bags a little heavier with soups for later and new blankets. I wore a pair of socks over my hands as the cans of soup were quite hot. I had forgone the spoon for now and sipped the soup out of the can.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I said.

She gave me a look that I could discern even in the half light. It was one of exasperation and patience. Renee did something then that I wasn’t expecting; she took my hand and wouldn’t let go when I tried to pull away. “You know exactly what I mean. Why do you hide?”

“You make it sound like I’m some kind of fucking vampire.”

“You might as well be. Anytime that someone asks you a question directly, or focuses on you, you tend to go inward. You’re fine with the people you trust, but you shrink away from the people you don’t know.”

I shrugged. “It’s a learned habit. Being noticed before tended to get me hurt. It was easier to hide.”

“Well, I don’t want you to hide.”

I thought of how comfortable I was in Sunshine’s apartment, hiding from the world. Or amongst the kids that gathered at the YSB, or the crowds that gathered for lunch and dinner at the Mission. I could disappear in those places and seek to be unseen. I said as much to Renee.

“You must be joking!” She said, her eyes sparkling with merriment. “You are the one person that everyone sees.”

I shook my head. “That’s not true.”

“Of course it is,” She let go of my hand and turned her head skyward to look at the stars.

I was drawn to look at the moon. I always marvelled at the fact that it seemed so large, but it was so far away. I never felt afraid of the dark when I could see the moon. I had always been drawn to it, but more so lately. I thought of the moon as the all-seeing eye, more so than the sun. The sun brought light into the day, but the moon helped me sit with my truths

“You carry your brother’s mystique,” Renee said. “There’s that. He left quite the impression here, but you’re doing one better. You’re making your own path.”

I looked up at the stars then and they looked like they were dancing for the crescent moon. They looked unafraid to find their way forward. “Did you know my brother?” I asked her.

She nodded. “I only knew him by reputation, but he seemed okay.”

I often felt like I was walking with his shadow beside me, and I could reach out and take his hand, letting it guide me to where I needed to go, but of course every time I went to take his hand, he wasn’t there. We had always been two halves of the same whole. I had been cast into the role of the good son and my brother had been made into the bad son. We had always been good and bad, light and dark, sun and moon. Whenever the moon was full, the shadow of my brother that walked with me seemed the clearest. I looked beside me now and saw only a thin wisp of an outline, all smoke and no shadow, but he was still there.

“You don’t have to be afraid of the light, you know? Like the moon? Look how bright it is and it’s not even a full moon! Shows us where we are right now. It’s different every night, like it gives us a chance to take in what it’s shown us?”

She said this like a question, and it got me thinking about the traits I shared with my brother. We were identical mirror image twins, but so incredibly different. My brother had been unafraid to go after what he wanted, I didn’t even know what I wanted out of life yet, but looking up at the moon, I imagined it showing me a little of the path forward.

I tried to see where my path had started, but that part of it was lost to the clouds and the movements of the stars.

Chapter Seventeen – The Star

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot

We ate almost every day the Ottawa Mission.

Sunshine and I would go there to eat lunch and dinner. “The food is amazing,” he said. “It’s like its food being cooked by your mom. It’s that good. They let you leave with sandwiches and sometimes some soup. Every Wednesday, you can go and take three pieces of clothing from the warehouse in the back, and you can take as many books as you like.”

He said this with a smile because he knew that books were where I found my peace as much as tarot cards were where I found my wisdom.

I just remember the crowd of people waiting to get in the first time we went. Everyone was pleasant and even neighbourly. These were people I would have turned away from in my previous life and now I was one of them.

I looked at the cross that sat above the door of the Mission. Normally, the cross would have made me turn away. The cross was one of the symbols from my past that still didn’t sit well with me. The people that found comfort sitting under the cross didn’t make room or give tolerance to people like me. To me, the cross symbolized hatred.

However, there was no hatred here. The crowd held all kinds of people from all walks of life: teenagers like me, mothers with their children, men talking in groups and sharing a moment of laughter or one last cigarette. The crowd of people waiting was full of those who were trying to find their way back to the life that they had come from or those who had made peace with where they were.

There was no malice in the crowd though it began to grow, spilling down the stairs and along the sidewalk. No one pushed each other and there was this soft murmur of conversation that sounded like music. The door opened and as I made my way up the stairs into the main hall of the Mission, I eyed the cross above me. Part of me tried to imagine it was a pair of arms, offering a welcoming embrace. I needed to feel more comfortable in this place and my walls were coming up.

When we got into hall, the music of people’s voices rose higher so that it was steady hum. I closed my eyes and found comfort in those voices, and it was like my body was being swayed along, carried by the music. I looked behind Sunshine and myself and saw a sea of people, all filled with song. The hall was filled with round wooden tables and Sunshine and I took a seat. We were soon joined by several others and all of them were kind. They asked where Sunshine and I grew up and one man’s face opened up as if it had been lit from inside when I told him that I had been born in Ottawa.

“Me too, son. We Ottawa born and bred are few and far between. Everyone here has come from somewhere. No one was content to stay where they were and went off looking for the great wonders of the world.” He tapped his nose. “You and I know the truth. Ottawa is full of magic, so why leave?” He smiled and he looked years younger, his eyes looking like jewels among the hills and valleys of his skin.

When we got in line to get food, I told the woman I only wanted a small amount, seeing the large crowd of people behind me that had still yet to be served. The volunteer that was serving food gave me a smile as if she had known my thoughts. “Don’t you worry about anyone else at the moment. Here, I’ll give you a full plate, you need to eat.” I thanked her and tried to stop my cheeks from blushing.

The food was as good as Sunshine had promised and I was even able to go up for seconds. As we were leaving, someone offered us food to take home like sandwiches and soup; there was even someone offering essentials like deodorant and toothpaste. I felt guilty for taking these things, but Sunshine had no such qualms. He took a wrapped sandwich and cup of soup for me, so I accepted the deodorant and toothpaste. It felt like I had been offered a meal filled with hope and kindness and my whole body felt more alive than it had in a long time.

As we made our way from the Mission, I looked back at the door with the cross above it. If I squinted my eyes a little, it looked more like a star than a cross, a beacon of hope for all those that needed it, even me. I had to start believing that I was worthy of the kindness that other people showed me, even if it did make me feel uncomfortable.

I let Sunshine hook his arm in mine as we made our way back home, feeling for the first time in a long time that I was going to be okay.