Shades had proposed.
There was nothing big about it, no drawn-out proposal or big show of it. One morning as we smoked in bed, he said to me “I think we should get married.”
I was ready for us to take our relationship to a different level, and I felt a light bloom to life inside of me, becoming a flame that began to burn brightly and flicker, tickling my ribs. I was filled with hope, sure that I had misread everything.
“I’d love to,” I said.
“Good, Rainbow will be happy.”
I was momentarily confused. “What does she have to do with you marrying me?”
“I asked her to marry me first. She said that she wouldn’t do it unless you agreed to it, too.”
A snort slipped past my lips and the sound was loud in the room. I knew that was the sound of the flame that had been growing within me withering down to a small seed of flame, barley any heat but lots of smoke. I couldn’t see through the haze of it. Shades looked like someone I didn’t even know. I turned my face this way and that, trying to see past the smoke so that I could see him, but it was like the smoke wanted me to really see Shades for who he was.
I closed my eyes so that the smoke would clear. “Really? You only want to marry me if Rainbow marries you?”
I could hear him taking a drag off his cigarette. “I love you, Jamieson. But I’ve got a street cred to deal with. I’ll lose some of that if I’m like totally gay.”
That flame within me extinguished to nothing. I held on to the smoke, the one remaining piece of the fire that had been alive, only if it was for a moment. “I don’t think people will care,” I said, knowing that his mind was made up. He had asked Rainbow first.
“Fuck the other people.” He said. “I’ll care.”
I sat there weighing the words that meant the most to me against everything else that he had said. Shades had told me that he loved me, I had to hold on to that. Someone loved me, a man loved me. I thought of the other words he had said, about masculinity and street cred, and I imagined myself holding both sets of words in my hands. Opening my eyes, I looked down at my hands and for a moment, I could see an apple in one hand and a flame in the other. I had a choice to make. I nodded and chose the apple.
“When did you want to do it?” A part of me slipped away from myself. “I know a place.”
I wore my best jeans and a t-shirt. Shades and Rainbow followed me. I was the only one that knew where we were going. I had a spot that I liked to go to, where I could watch the world around me and not have to worry about finding my place within it. The Rideau Canal locks were where I could pretend that my life was of my choosing. I could look around me at the tourists enjoying the locks for the first time and pretend I was their guide, showing them how to find their place on the mountain top so that they could see the world below them.
I had my own spot. I had marked it with black ink, drawing first a large J and then a W. I knew that no matter where I ended up in this world, I could always come back to this spot and remember where I had been. When I took Shades and Rainbow there, it was supposed to be a gift to them, letting them share my space that I had claimed for myself. They didn’t seem to realize the fact that my spot on the locks was special, that it was sacred just to me. Shades scuffed his foot over my initials and looked at me. “What’s so special about the locks? I’ve been here a lot.”
“We’re near the water, earth and air. Is that it, Jamieson?” Rainbow said this in a placating voice. Her and I understood sacred places and signs.
“Yes,” I said, not knowing if I could speak any further.
“Let’s do this thing.” He held out a hand to each of us. “Rainbow, I have the ring you’ve given me. I wear it as a bond, and we are connected through it.” He turned to me. “I need a ring, Jamieson.”
I took my high school graduation ring off of my finger. Shades pointed at my Wolf ring. “I want that one.”
I knew that I had a choice to make in that moment. I knew that I was at a crossroads and that the choice I made right now would affect every moment onward. In that moment, I chose myself. I took off my high school ring and gave it to him. He gave me a dark look, as if I had crossed him and I knew he saw my actions as such.
“I will wear you ring as a symbol of your affection for me,” he said, slipping the ring onto a finger on his left hand.
I couldn’t help but notice that he had chosen different words for me. I wondered if that meant our bond was fleeting.
That night, we shared a moment of privacy between the three of us. As the candlelight flickered in the dark and Shades concentrated on Rainbow, I knew that the two of them had forgotten about me. I was left alone in a corner of the room, wondering if this was the kind of love I really wanted.
Spirit of the Wolf 