Trust – Spirit of the Wolf

It was fascinating to be with someone who wanted to be with me.

That was one of the first emotions that came to mind when I thought of Francis. When we walked together, waited for the bus or we were at one of the Pagan brunches, Francis made room for me. I could see him lowering his walls just as I was lowering mine. It was never a thought that it was possible to love someone so effortlessly. I had never experienced this and it was so new to me. I felt included in his life and everyone I knew already knew Francis. It was a seamless transition from caterpillar to butterfly. The transition was not painful as I had wanted to be free of my cocoon for long.

I was still afraid, though. Francis held my heart in his hands, and it had been a long time since I had trusted another man to hold my heart carefully. I loved him despite that fear. I adored him because I was afraid. A small part of me even feared the love that Francis and I shared together because of everything that had happened in my past. I loved him with an open heart and wanted to hide and be seen by him at the same time. It was like I was walking an internal tight rope, and I had no idea where it would end.

Francis showed me that there was nothing to hide from. When I was with him, I remembered what joy was. I loved him so completely. Lisa and I would talk about it when I wasn’t with him. One night, we were getting ready for sleep. Lisa was lying on her bed smoking a cigarette and I was on my foam roll doing the same thing. From my vantage point on the ground looking up at Lisa’s ceiling, the smoke looked like clouds. I pretended we were on a raft floating along the water, letting ourselves flow towards the future.

“You don’t have to be afraid, you know.”

I perched on an elbow and looked at Lisa. “What do you mean? I’m not afraid.”

“You forget how well I know you.” She gave me a gentle smile. “You don’t have to go back there, Jamieson. I know you hold on to every slight and every slap you’ve ever received. People like you always do. I’m Warrior because I want what I wasn’t given and now I just fucking take it. You’re a Warrior because you love so much. Your heart is in everything you do and say. You walk around offering it to others every time you speak even though you’ve been hurt to the breaking point and still you offer your heart, but at the same time, you’re afraid. Francis isn’t like the other fuckers you dated. He’s not your father. He’s different, Jamieson.”

My nineteen-year-old heart swelled with hope and with love as I pictured Francis in my mind. I was standing with him and my heart swelled even more when I looked at him and took in the shape of his eyes crinkled because his lips were shaped in a smile as he looked at me. I could hear the rush of water again, the waves sending water into the boat. I looked around us and held on tighter to Francis, but I loosened my grip. I didn’t want to hurt him or hang on too tightly. I was afraid that he might turn away from me if I did that.

When I opened my eyes, Lisa had turned her head to look at me. “I keep over analysing everything,” I told her. “My heart, mind and spirit are open to him, they are giving and receiving love, but I am afraid, Lisa. What if I fuck this up?”

“The way that Francis looks at you, I’m sure that’s never going to happen.”

“But what if it does?”

“So, it does. You’ll do what you always do, pick yourself up and get on with it, but you need to move on from all the worry. Just because Francis carries a lot of pain doesn’t mean you need to. You can’t love someone with one of your feet stuck in the past, Jamieson. If you love Francis, love him without the fear.”

I thought for a moment about what Lisa had said, looking at the smoke as it swirled above my head. I blew out smoke rings, trying to see if I could join the smoke that came from the burning cigarette with the smoke that came from my mouth. I watched intently for a moment, and the smoke looked like it was in a casual dance, melding and shifting with each other, before rising out of my sight. I noticed something though. When the smoke rings I sent up to the sky joined with the smoke from my cigarette, they each grew stronger, even if only for a moment. The smoke grew thicker and when they separated, they each took a bit from each other before moving onward.

I knew that Lisa was right. I had been afraid for so much of my life before now that fear had become the only thing I knew completely. I carried my fear and the pain that had caused it, and they were my constant companions. No matter where I roamed over the waters, fear had become my anchor, my pain an oar. I knew that I was letting my fear hold me back. I could love someone completely but still be afraid that they would cause me more pain. I didn’t want to find my direction in life because of the pain it had caused me.

“How do I let go of all of that?” I said this more to the smoke than Lisa. I felt the smoke would have a kinder response than she would. The smoke would probably say something mysterious and alluring. Lisa would deliver her advice in her typical bluntness. She was wise, but she did not mince words.

“By choosing to,” Lisa said. “You’re the one that controls your destiny, Jamieson. Where do you want to go? You need to pick your direction and head that way. Sometimes you have to let go of things when you choose a different direction.”

“What if it hurts?”

She let out a snort and a puff of smoke at the same time that made Lisa look like she was some of dragon. “Of course it’s going to hurt, Jamieson. That’s the point of growth. If our journey had no fucking pain, it would not be worth it. You’ve had more than your share of pain. It’s time to let some of it go.”

I closed my eyes and Francis was beside me again. The waters around us calmed and the boat that we rode in stopped rocking back and forth. I reached out to put my arm around him and pulled him close. I felt Francis put his arm around me and I looked forward to see where the waters would take us. I let out a puff of smoke and the water rippled, reflecting the sun as it shone down at us.

I opened my eyes and tried to let a bit of the pain go. It wasn’t much, but it was a start and that had to count for something.

We talked well into the night.

Francis’ roommate Stacey came back and placed two purses and her beer on the bar between Francis and myself. “You lovebirds okay to watch our purses?” she said. “Lisa and I are going to dance and it looks like you two have a lot more to talk about.” She gave Francis a coy smile as she walked away and held up both thumbs.

Francis flushed and smiled at her. “Go on and dance,”

I shook my head a little. “What was the thumbs up about?”

The blush on Francis’ cheeks deepened and he held up his beer to clink his bottle against mine. “Thank you for this,” he said.

“For what?” I asked him. I found it odd that he would want to thank me for anything.

“I don’t have to speak about it with you,” he said. “You have no idea how annoying it is to have introduce themselves and then ask if any of the rumours are true. I didn’t have to explain myself to you, you have already experienced the same trauma.”

I shook my head again. “Lisa said that your assault was worse than mine,” I told him.

“Don’t you see? It’s not about whose experience was worse than who’s. The fact is that you already understand the pain.” He waved his hand at the people in the bar, the smoke from his cigarette like a lasso looping them all together. “The rest of them want to imagine how bad it was so that they can quantify it, make it into something they can understand.” He said. “I don’t have to do that with you, Jamieson. You’ve already felt the kind of pain that I’ve experienced. You don’t know what kind of a relief that is.”

I looked into is eyes so that he would understand me. “I’ve only told Lisa,” I said in a shameful whisper. “She’s the only one that knows.”

“So? At least you’ve told someone. And now, both Lisa and I know, the three of us. There is magic in the number three. To me, they are like joy and from that joy is the seed to start again.”

I don’t know why the prospect of others knowing my shame and not being judged for it or being seen as weak brought me joy, but it did. The fact that Lisa and now Francis knew what had happened to me and didn’t see me as someone to be pitied brought me out of my shame a bit. In that moment, I realized that it had not been something I had asked for. It had been something that had been done to me. Something had been taken, I had not given it. I stood there looking at Francis and wondered why the world seemed so much clearer when I was by his side.

I was still frantic from my win and the energy between Francis and I felt like it was electric, as if there were strings of lightning between us that I could not see but could certainly feel. I felt things within me that I had assumed would be gone forever. Every time he touched my hand or brushed a finger along my palm, I could feel the heat begging for release of some kind. The connection between us was strong. I did wonder briefly about a connection made because of pain. In that moment, I wondered if the connection was so strong because we both wanted to find joy, so we found it in each other.

The music switched from a song with flutes and started playing a remix of Fuck You Like An Animal by Nine Inch Nails started playing. It was one of my favourite songs and I could feel the beat running through me. I wanted to lose myself in the music. Up until recently, the worlds that I found in books and the lyrics in songs and music hadn’t ever judged me. They gave me a place where I belonged.

I went out on to that dance floor and I knew that I didn’t look like anyone else. I was wearing a loud purple tshirt with a green sweater vest, white jeans and scuffed Doc Martin’s. I was the epitome of nervousness and uncertainty and as I walked toward the dance floor, I could feel Francis’ eyes on me. The intensity of his stare made me lose myself in the music even more and I let the beats of the song pull me away from myself. I lost myself in the moment and didn’t think about how I looked, what Francis thought and tried to ignore the fact that he was still watching. I didn’t care whether I was elegant or refined in my movements, I just let the music dictate how I had to dance.

I kept moving until the song came to an ending and opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was Francis and it was to him that I walked towards, even feeling like I was being pulled to him. There was no way to stop, I wouldn’t have if I could have tried. I got to him and he put his arms around me. “That was some mating dance you just did,” he said and then his lips were upon mine and the whole world stood still.

Nothing else mattered at that moment but Francis and his embrace and I happily lost and found myself as I gave in to the kiss. The air around us was silent but I could feel the beat of the music and our hearts running through me and I was alive with it. I had read and watched moments like this, but I never expected to experience one. Connections between two people like this only happened in books, movies and television and here I was having one in real life. This had to be real, I thought. This had to be real, only nothing like this ever happened to me.

When the kiss broke and the sound returned, we pulled apart and just looked into each other. All I could see were the rushing waters in his eyes and I wondered if my eyes looked full of wonder, too?

“Well, this is a nice surprise,” he said.

I had to agree. Even though we didn’t kiss again that night, it felt like a decision had been made between us. I gave him the number for my pager and felt a thrill when he placed the number in his wallet. “I’ll call you.”

I nodded, trying to swallow my heart and keep myself from giving it to him right away. I needed to keep my heart to myself tonight so that I could relive every moment. Even if nothing else ever happened between Francis and myself, I had to know that this night happened.

I had to believe that wishes did come true.

Tag: Trust

Chapter Thirty-Seven – 2 of Cups