Tag: Love

Chapter Thirty-Four – The Queen of Wands

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir

Lisa knew how much light she gave out into the world. She was utterly and completely aware that people fell under her spell. Man, woman, it didn’t matter. She always had a score of people willing to help her so that they could benefit from the brilliance that she gave out.

Which is probably why she was determined to help me.

What I’d come to realize was that light was a transactional thing with Lisa. If she loved you, you were golden and got her at full wattage. If she liked you, a little less so, but she still sparkled. If she didn’t like you, there was usually a reason, and you were shunned from her light. This wasn’t done willy nilly. She didn’t withhold her light to be cruel; I wasn’t sure she had it in her to do that. As I got to know her, I watched how she would interact with those around her. She looked like the sun surrounded by the orbit of people around her.

I didn’t know how to feel within the orbit around her. I was just grateful that I had found safety with someone that felt like my best friend and my mom at the same time. She would encourage me I little ways, trying to bring me out of my shell. I had retreated father and father into myself, and Lisa did what she could to bring me out of it. The talent competition was a perfect example of this

“I know you can do funny well, try and be funny. A serious monologue isn’t going to win the competition. Do it from the point of being Pagan and your parents don’t understand what you’re doing.”

“Yeah, like my parents asked me if I had gotten into sacrificing or blood in my rituals when I told them I was Pagan.”

Lisa let out a snort. “Oh, my Goddess, you have to lead with something like that. It’s perfect.”

She gently pulled me out of myself so that I could begin to see who I was. I performed bits and pieces of my monologue as I wrote, and she helped me to put the pieces in order. She was creative in her own ways, but she helped to make my creativity bloom into something real and tangible that I could feel taking hold of me. She was the spark that helped my flame to grow. As I continued to write on whatever I could find, random receipts, ruled paper pulled from a notebook, it felt as if she were my muse.

The idea of doing a monologue in front of a group of people was like any other day at the theatre. Out of all the areas of the dramatic arts that I had tried (acting, writing, filming, dramatic roles, etc.) the one that I loved the most was improv. I loved that a whole world could open up out of a handful of words and the mere suggestion of a place.

I loved that in drama, I would normally be able to lose myself in the life of someone else. The fact that this would be the first time talking about something that had actually happened was kind of a revelation for me. I didn’t like talking about myself. It was one of the ways that I was able to help others. I listened to other people and offered help when I could so that we didn’t have to talk about who I was.

I kept the details light, but the fact that there was even one iota of truth to the monologue was such a big step for me. I was too young to realize that every writer puts a part of themselves into everything that they write. I worried that no one would want to hear what I had written because of that truth. It was so long since I’d been on stage that I wasn’t sure I’d be any good. I knew that it wasn’t enough just to say the words, I had to be good. I practiced my delivery, and I knew that if I fucked up, I would just ad lib until I got back on track. I got the monologue down to two and a half minutes. I told myself that if I fucked up, I would just improv it. That’s all there was to it.

The night before the show, Lisa and I were out on the porch smoking a cigarette. I watched the curls of smoke against the dark blue background of the sky at dusk. I looked up to the stars that were shining above me and knew that if I wished hard enough, something great would happen.

Lisa made me feel like it was okay to make a wish for something better and believe in the possibilities. She let me know that it was okay to trust the Gods and that they would be there to help me along on the way as long as I had faith in myself.

She let me know that it was okay to be me.

Chapter Twenty-Four – 3 of Wands

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance

I talked to Sunshine about it over the next few weeks. My dreams had been full of gods and monsters, goddesses and wonders, magical events that had taken place before my time or had never happened at all.

“I don’t know why you’re over thinking this.” Sunshine said, taking a drag from his Djarum cigarette.

He handed me one and I took in the scent of cloves. The smoke was harsh in my throat, but tasted of far-off lands that I imagined my muses would have come from. “What do you mean?”

“You always talk about Egypt. It’s pyramids this and pharaoh that. Why ware you looking anywhere else. You always overthink things so much.” He pointed his cigarette at me. “It’s what keeps you so grounded.”

I let out a snort. We were sitting in his apartment. “How has it been?” We didn’t see each other as much as we had before. We hung out when I found him in the square, but there was a bridge between us. “Are you still dating Shale?”

Sunshine shook his head. “Nah, he didn’t want to settle down. He wasn’t into anything long term.” He tried to keep a brave face on, but I could see the pain in his eyes. “We wanted different things.”

I butted out my clove cigarette and pulled Sunshine into a hug. “I’m sorry.”

“Fuck him, honey.” He waved his own cigarette like a baton. “I’m a free man. It will be nice to choose myself from now on. Like you are.”

I nodded. I understood what he was talking about. I could feel a shift within me. It was taking its time trying to show itself to me, but I could feel the new path beginning to grow in front of me. It felt like I was divided between what was and what I wanted. “I’m not sure if I want it.”

Sunshine let out a puff of clove scented smoke. “What do you mean, honey? What could be better than this?” He waved his hands around the room. “There are so many cockroaches here, they’re throwing a party every night. You have your own room, you’re learning about yourself.”

“There’s so much to learn.”

“Life can be like that. You can’t be afraid to go wherever the journey will take you, Jamie. You have to look at what is coming and not live in the past. Look at what you left behind you.”

The bridge between us had grown longer. I wanted to take Sunshine into an embrace and not let go of him. I wanted to take him with me, to keep him like a touchstone. I felt so far from my family that I had known for so long. “I don’t want to let go of you.”

“I’m not letting go of you. You can’t get rid of me that easily, honey. No, all I’m saying is that you’re changing. Isn’t it wonderful? You’re able to let go of Shades and his bullshit and Matt was a fucking drama queen. You’re starting out on your own. How amazing is that?”

“I just live in a room, Sunshine.”

“But it’s your room. It’s your space. You’re at the start of a new beginning; you just haven’t realized it yet.”

“I don’t know where I’m going.” I said, almost whispering the words because I was afraid to admit this.

“You didn’t no where you were going when you got here. Don’t fight where the world wants to take you.”

“I won’t.” I told him, knowing that there was fear there. I had known fear all my life, but this was different. It felt like a fear that was filled with possibility instead of full-on fear that promised hurt. Rather than make me want to turn away and stay with what was comfortable, I was looking down the road that led me away from the bridge and knew that I wanted to discover what was possible.

“Good, I’ll kick your ass if you muck this up.” He butted out his cigarette. “Want to go look at the guy across the alley jerking off?” Sunshine grinned. “For old time’s sake?”

“Just try and stop me.”

Chapter Twenty-One – The World

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Tarot

It began slowly.

I noticed it growing more insistent each day. I had tried to ignore it and to shove it away from me, to pretend that there was just whimsy that had entered my mind and foolishness. I was filled with worry all the time and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t know how to be gentle with myself as I was with everyone else. I had been taught that to be gentle was to be weak and to be hopeful was to invite foolishness in.

Still, the idea wouldn’t go away.

Every time I went to bed at night, curled up on my roll of foam on the floor of Sunshine’s bedroom, I wanted more.

I wanted more than this. I knew that after a few months of living this way that I needed a sacred space of my own. I wanted to have a bathroom that I didn’t share Dan and Mike and Sunshine. Four people to a two bedroom people was a lot. I didn’t want to feel like I had to be on all the time. I needed a space of my own.

I knew this with my whole heart. Before the words started to pour out on their own, the vowels sliding over my lips and the consonants stabbing into my cheeks again, I told him. This was something I wanted and I had to believe that I was worth it.

“I have something I want to talk to you about.” I told him.

“Sounds serious. Hold on, serious talks require smoke to smudge the space.” He lit a cigarette and passed one to me before lighting one for himself. “Okay, honey. The floor is yours.”

I took a deep breath, sure that this would change our friendship. “I think I need to find a place of my own.” I said. Once the words were out, I felt an incredible weight lifted off of me. “I hope that’s okay.”

Sunshine’s eyes widened in shock and then relaxed. “I swear your psychic honey. You almost always know what I’m going to say and you say it before I do.”

I was confused. This was not the reaction I had been expecting. “What do you mean?”

“Well,” Sunshine said. “I’ve been trying to think of how to bring this up to you but couldn’t find the right way to say it.”

He looked really uncomfortable all of a sudden. “I don’t want you to think this is me talking, it’s Mike and Dan. They love having you around, but they thought you would leave eventually. I kept telling them that you were still sorting stuff out.”

“They want me out?” I asked. “I’m sorry, Sunshine. I really am.” I hated the idea of being a burden to anyone.

“Well, they said you don’t pay any rent here. I mean, it’s not an issue I have. I love having you here. You are like a brother to me.”

Hearing those words form him meant so much at that moment, being so far away from my own brother and my family. It had been such a long time since I had seen my brother and I missed him a little every day, especially being here. His legend lived large, and people reminded me of that all the time. I thought of Sunshine as my brother, too. He was more than a friend to me, he was family. I hated the fact that he had had to stand up for me and defend me against Mike and Dan. I should have been able to fight for my own honour. “I’m sorry,” I said.

“Don’t worry about it, honey. They have their panties in a wad about something like every fucking day and can’t figure out if they’re straight or gay yet but every night they fool around together. They’re a couple, yes, but a couple of what I’d like to know.”

He tapped out his cigarette and gave me an inquisitive look. “Now, back to you. I can help you look for a place or least find you someone who can. You’re not alone in this, honey. You’ve got me.”

I motioned around me. “I love this, I love living here with you, but I want my own place, I’ve wanted my own space for a while.” I let out a sigh. “But I have no idea how to go about it.

“Well, that’s easy. The YSB can help you find a place.”

“They can?”

“Sure, they helped Angel find a room to rent in a person’s apartment. They have a whole roster of places offering a room for rent. I’m sure they can find one for you.”

I set out with Sunshine that day feeling a sense of hope that I hadn’t had before. We went to the YSB right away after we grabbed something to eat. Walking into the centre felt different that day, as if I was about to witness a great change. Sunshine asked one of the workers there and they brought out a small binder with rooms and places to stay that were available and also willing to take the $325 from monthly welfare cheque.

I ended up going to see a room at a boarding house on Arlington. It was a small, dilapidated townhouse and I liked the aged aqua colour of the awnings, the flaked white paint of its walls. Sunshine and I knocked on the door and asked the man who answered it if they had any rooms for rent. The man who ran t he said he did, one had just become free.

Sunshine said that he would meet me in the square later and I gave him a quick hug. It felt odd to be starting the next part of my journey on my own, but it had been that way before and would be that way again. I had to get used to swallowing fear so that it could help me fly.

The person who ran the house was a little French man named Joey. He had a kind smile and large glasses that made his eyes look like they were dragonflies blinking at me from behind the lenses. He was older, he said, and ran this house on his own. He showed me to the large kitchen to that had windows that overlooked the street. Then he took me up the stairs and to the first door at the end of the hallway. He opened the door with a flourish as if I were about to enter a mystical place, and in a way I was.

The room held a bed, a small bookshelf, a dresser and a small desk. It was homey and warm with dull grey walls in a herringbone pattern and lots of warm coloured wood. There was a mirror that stood above the dresser and saw my reflection in the mirror. I didn’t turn away from myself but turned to look at all the space I had. There was a small window on the far side of the room, next to the built-in bookshelf.

“This would be all mine?” I asked him. I looked at the roll of foam and the purple backpack I carried with me. It was everything that I had in the world and it made the room seem bigger than it was.

“Of course it would be. You’re welcome here if you want to. I would be happy to have you.”

“Thank you,” I said.

I had to sign a contract with the house, and they would be in touch with the welfare office to make sure that he got paid. It was the fist of the month in a couple of days. I was worried, but Joey said to not pay that any mind. “What is a couple of days?” he said.

I nodded my thanks and didn’t tell him that to me, two days was everything. I looked at my room that was mine and I marvelled at the fact that it had a door with a lock and a lock meant safety. I sat on the bed and took out my two blankets and spread them out on the bed and finally felt at home for the first time in months.

Laying down on my own bed for the very first time, I wondered what the future would bring.

Chapter Twenty – Judgement

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot, Tarot Decks

There was a boy I liked.

Sunshine was the one who pointed it out first. When ever Matt was around, I became enraptured by him. He liked reading and loved to read my poems and what I had written. Matt had dark black eyes framed by what looked like a crown of eyelashes and looked at me when I spoke to him, like he really saw me. Every time he looked at me, it was like he saw into me and yet he didn’t run away. I was used to other men turning away from me once they learned that I was disabled. It was a fact of life and I had learned this young.

Matt was different in that he saw me, had read my words and read my most inner thoughts and still he didn’t turn from me. My words seemed to bring me closer to him and every time I showed up in the square, I looked for him.

“You’re infatuated with Matt.” Sunshine said.

I had been looking for Matt when Sunshine said this and turned back to him. “No I’m not.”

“Honey, I know a crush when I see one. That’s okay. It’s nice to see you still feeling things. I was worried about you. I didn’t want you to think that Shades was like all men out there. There are a lot of jerks, sure, but there are always others who aren’t.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. That hasn’t been my experience. I’m so new at being openly gay that I’m so unsure of myself.”

“That comes with time. You have to try, Jamie.” He smiled at me. “I’m glad you’re starting to open yourself up again.”

Matt came into the square and he saw me and waved at me as if we hadn’t seen each other in years. He ran over to me and hugged me and pulled out a new eye shadow he had gotten me. “Can I put it on you?” He asked.

It was a dark husky blue filled with lighter blue sparkles. I said yes and closed my eyes. I was surprised to feel the tip of the eye shadow brush tickle my lips. I could barely breathe and I knew that Matt was so close to me. I could smell the shampoo he had used earlier that day, the light musk of his skin. I could hear his breathing and it was low and rhythmic and I wanted to fall into it, into him.

“There!” He found a compact in his bag and held up the mirror. He had covered my lips in the eyeshadow and they looked like they were made of sapphires. I was surprised at how full my lips looked. He must have mistaken my shock for uncertainty because he started putting the eye shadow on his lips, too. “That way, we can be twins! You look fabulous and I want to look amazing”

I wore that lip colour for the rest of the day and so did Matt. We kept getting compliments and I loved it. I loved being seen and being told that I was beautiful. The two did not usually go together, at least in my mind. When I looked at myself, I did not see beauty. Every time I walked by a mirror or a reflective surface, I looked away. It hurt to look at my face in the mirror and I was usually more comfortable with being able to hide. The fact that the people calling me beautiful actually meant it was euphoric to me.

I started wearing make up and nail polish. I started dying my hair. I wanted to be noticed, but most of all, I wanted to be noticed by Matt. I wanted him to call me beautiful. I loved how he would hold my hands every day when I showed up in the square, eager to see what colour my nail polish was. I loved those moments where he would reach for me and I wondered if he felt the same way that I felt about him.

“Honey, all you gotta do is ask him. Tell him how you feel and see what he says, but I’d say that he feels the exact same way. He’s always going on about you when you’re not here! But I’d be a little careful if I were you.”

“Why?”

“Don’t you notice that he’s copying you? First with the eye shadow on his lips, then the nail polish and the hair. It’s like he’s waiting to see who you are before he decides what he wants to be. Just be careful, okay?”

I nodded but I knew that I didn’t want to be careful, I wanted to fight against my normal impulse to hide and let myself be completely seen for once. Matt made me feel like that was okay and that I deserved to be seen, even though there was always a part of me that encouraged me to stay hidden, that I got hurt less that way.

I waited for the right time to tell him that I liked him, but I never thought any time was the right time. This wouldn’t be the first time that I told a guy I liked him, but it was the fist time that a man had seen me completely and hadn’t run. I desperately wanted him to like me back and my brain kept obsessing over the right time to tell him. Months went by and I couldn’t find the right way to tell him.

One afternoon, we were all at home and Sunshine, Matt and I were all watching Rosmary’s Baby on his little television. Sunshine and I loved horror movies, so we picked them up when we could if they were cheap or free or we just watched our favourites. Matt had never seen Rosemary’s Baby, so we were all we were all watching together, Matt and I lying side by side with our heads propped up on pillows. Sunshine put the movie on pause.

“Okay lovebirds, I’ll be right back. Nature waits for no one.”

Words started to clamour and climb into my mouth, clawing at my throat, tongue and lips, eager to be spoken out loud. They came tumbling out. I didn’t know how long Sunshine would be in the bathroom and it felt right to tell him where I felt the safest. “Matt, I like you. I more than like you, I have for ages. I really like you as more than a friend.” We were still looking at the television, at Rosemary frozen in time, wondering what the fuck was going on.

The heartbeat I waited to hear what Matt said in reply felt like an eternity to me. “I know.” He said.

I looked at Matt for the first time, turning my head to look at him. I so wanted to find joy on his face that I was surprised to see sadness there before he turned away from me. I waited another lifetime to hear his response, but there was a knock at the door and then footsteps walking into the room. Louis sat down on the floor beside us and gave Matt and I a wide smile which I wasn’t able to return.

“What’s up douchebags?” I normally tried to stay clear of Luigi. He was a little older than us and he liked to sleep around a lot. I knew that he was rough business. He was nice enough to me and I gave the same back to him, but I turned down all his advances. Luigi gave me the bad vibes and not in a fun way. A rough goatee covered his chin, and his hair was blond with his black hair showing throughout. He looked like a skunk or some kind of rodent to me and I had known enough men like to know that he was best avoided.

Sunshine came back to the living room and gave Louis a look. “Look what the cat dragged in.”

“Haven’t you jerked off enough for one day?” Luigi said. “The walls of that bathroom must be covered with your jizz.”

“Har dee har har.” Sunshine said.

Luigi gave Matt a long leer. “Want to go somewhere and fuck?”

Matt looked as if Christmas had come early. “Yes, please!” He leapt up and Luigi put his arm around Matt possessively. They left together without Matt giving me a backward glance. Silence filled the room for a moment, Rosemary’s face staring frozenly back at us.

“What a shit.” Sunshine said.

“Which one?”

“Both of them honey. Both of them are fucking shit. Matt is dead to me.”

“It’s okay,”

“No, it’s not. Leading you on your some kind of love sick puppy and then kicking you when you tell him how you really feel.”

“You heard all that?”

“Honey, these walls are like cardboard.” He let out a snort of laughter and reached over to take my hand. “How are you?”  

I took a moment to answer. I looked within myself, and I could feel the hurt there. It was so new that I could feel it taking up shape within me. However, alongside that hurt was the resolve never to let anyone do that to me again. I felt like I was emerging from a cocoon and, though it wasn’t as nice and warm as the cocoon had been, it like I was waking up from a long and happy sleep.

Matt had left his purse. Inside the bag was his compact and I opened it so that I could see myself. I didn’t look any different, but the change was within. The hurt was there, but I was going to be okay.

“I’m okay,” I told him.

“No, you’re not. But that’s okay, too.”

He pressed play and we cuddled closer to each other and watched as Rosemary search for her baby and slowly lose herself to the paranoia that surrounded her.

Chapter Nineteen – The Sun

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot

I was at the Mission having lunch when I heard someone call out my brother’s name.

Turning automatically, I saw shock and knowing on the persons face. “Your him, but not him, aren’t you?”

“If you mean my brother, then yes and no.” I took in the sight of this man. He looked quite a few years older than me, mid thirties or so. His eyes were filled with curiosity and openness, which was rare. Almost all the people I had met here had storms in their eyes, having survived some kind of trauma and it left a mark on people. He had clouds in his eyes, but even from where I sat, when the clouds moved, I could see the light within him.

“I see that. You are less of a storm than he was and more of the sun.”

Beside me, Sunshine leaned forward. “My name is Sunshine, so what am I?”

The man blinked at him. “You are radiant, I think.”

“Oh, I like this guy.” Sunshine stage whispered to me.

“How long did you know my brother?”

The man shrugged. His hair was combed, and he had a bushel of a moustache and a thick grey beard. He reminded me of a librarian as he was wearing a cardigan and what looked like glasses hanging from a chain around his neck. “I knew him for some time. He was very kind to me on a few occasions and that’s not something you forget.

I thanked him and Sunshine and I finished our meal. As we were about to leave the table, the man called out to me. “I’m going to give you a piece of advice, young man. You need to look for what brings you joy. There is a storm brewing in you and I would hate for it to consume you.”

I shrugged. “I do have joy.” I looked over at Sunshine.

“You need a joy all your own. You can’t always depend on others to be around to keep your light alive.” He tapped my chest gently with the first two fingers of his right hand. “You need to find that joy and carry it in here. That will see you through.”

I thanked him, resisting the urge to give him a hug. I didn’t know if it was okay to hug strangers and I did want to hug him, but I resisted. Maybe he could see me hesitating because he took me in a soft and gentle hug. I let him hug me and I hugged him back. It was the first time that an older man had hugged me, and it brought me so much comfort instead of the fear that my father brought to life. He had never hugged me like this, simply for the sake of a hug. Every time that my father had come close, it had been to hurt, not to heal.

The man smelled of spicy aftershave and tobacco and I breathed that scent in. I’m not sure how long that hug went on for, only that for that moment, all that existed was that embrace. “You are braver than you know. Remember, joy is out there if you are willing to look for it.”

“Thank you,” I breathed. I blinked rapidly to keep the tears from falling.

Sunshine and I left the Mission and walked towards the YSB. I lit a cigarette, took a drag and handed it to him.

“That’s pretty amazing.”

“What is?”

“When everyday angels like that show up in your path.”

“What do you mean?”

“My mom always used to tell me about ordinary people that come into our paths just for an instant. They are supposed to bring us clarity, show us the road ahead or just help us in a moment of need.”

“Do you really think that’s what that man was? Some kind of angel?”

“Don’t you?” Sunshine said.

I thought about what the man had said. I needed to find my own joy in order to keep my light alive. I thought of the storm that had raged in my brother for as long as I’ve known him. It gave him the monicker of bad son and troublemaker, but I knew that what propelled him was a need to find out where his place was in this world and not being able to find a place for himself.

I was going through the same journey now and had to let go of the fear. I needed to remind myself that I had a lot to be joyful about. I had my street family, I had Sunshine, I had friends. I may not know where I was going, but I could see the road ahead of me more than I had been able to before.

There was joy to be found in that. I pictured a candle inside my chest right next to my heart. Its wick was lit with a small flame, a pinprick of light. It was a spark that had been given life inside of me. I cupped my hands around that small flame to keep it safe. I needed to shine my own light and every light began with a spark.