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Chapter Seventy-Two – Page of Pentacles

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life, Tarot

“I just don’t know what to do,” I said. “I can’t go back there, but I need a place of my own.”

I had crashed at Rhonda’s. I had taken my bag and my roll of foam from Lisa’s place as soon as I had gotten home from the hospital with Lisa, Rosilind and Carl. Carl would be staying with Lisa so that she would have help with the baby. When Lisa saw me with my backpack slung on shoulder, the roll of foam tucked into the other strap, she pointed at the front door.

“Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out,” she said, wiggling her fingers at me.

No word of thanks for helping her through the birth of her daughter, not that I expected any. I left without any clear path of where I was going to go, knowing only that I had to leave. I knew that I was heading towards something new and that it would give me the opportunity to discover more about myself, but I had no idea how I was going to get there.

Rhonda had waved my concerns away. “Didn’t I tell you that I had a plan?” She lit my cigarette and then hers. She ripped off a paper from a pad and handed it to me. “I’m just happy you’re away from her. That’s the part that matters most.”

“I don’t think she treated me that badly.”

“You can’t see it, you’re too close to her. It’s like that with abusers. You need to get away from them to appreciate that. She’s bad people, Jamieson. Bad people will always be attracted to good people like you.”

She huffed out a plume of smoke and took a sip of her coffee. “The important thing is that you’re out from under her influence and you have the opportunity to go forward.”

“Yeah, but go forward where? I don’t have anywhere to live.”

“That never stopped you before. Besides, didn’t I tell you that I had a plan? Come on, finish your coffee. We gotta take a walk.”

I did as I was told and couldn’t help but wonder where this new path would take me. I felt lighter. The day was bright with the rusty smell of sunshine and fallen leaves, and I could hear the wind whisper to me as I made my way outside. I was filled not the urge to run, but the need to take in everything I saw. I knew that my life was about to change again, and I welcomed that change, whatever it may bring.

We walked into the Glebe. It felt odd being back here. I knew that my mom and stepdad were nearby and I had no wish to see them. I didn’t know what I would say to them if I saw them, but Rhonda took me beyond where their house was on Sunnyside to a side street named Monk Street. We stopped in front of a large grey Victorian house covered in vines of ivy that looked impossibly big and small at the same time, as if it held onto the many things that were possible all at once. It looked like a house that was home to witches, and I wondered what magic it contained. “What’s this place?”

“You’re new home, if you like it. Hold on a sec, here she is.”

A woman was coming down the front steps to greet us. I recognized her as the woman that I had danced with in front of the fire at Kaleidoscope. She had been the one who had painted her breasts in swirls of red and silver so that she would like the fire. I remember how wild and free she was and the smile with the glint in her eyes showed me that she had not changed.

“Jamieson!” she said, giving a hug. “I’m so glad that Rhonda and I talked. Did you know that a room just became available!” She pulled away from the hug and gave me a bright smile. “I’m Catherine.”

I was so starstruck by her. She seemed to shine as brightly as she had when we danced with our spirits that night. I wasn’t sure how to respond to such brightness. My words got frazzled and dazzled inside my mind. “You look at lot different with clothes on.” I said and mentally slapped myself for being so blunt. “I’m sorry.”

Catherine let out laugh that sounded like music. “I get that a lot.” She said. “So do you, from what I remember.” She gave me a wink. “Come on, let me introduce you to Ned. He’s like the super of the house, but I had him hold the room for you when Rhonda told me that you needed a new place to stay.”

She brought us into the house, and I was struck by the fact that the outside didn’t match the inside. The outside was painted completely grey and it seemed to be designed to blend right in and not be noticed. The inside was all warm wooden floors, cream-coloured walls and a banister that had been painted a bright white to match. She brought us to a room just off of the kitchen and nocked on the door.

Opening the door, Ned greeted us with a smile and glasses that were perched on the end of his nose that made his eyes seem impossibly small. I felt a stirring at my feet, and I looked down to see a black cat rubbing itself against my leg. Without thinking, I reached down to pick the cat up and it nestled into my arms, purring loudly.

“Bell likes you,” Catherine said. “That’s a good sign.”

“Bell?”

“As in Bell, Book and Candle. I have three black cats. I wanted to name them something witchy.”

“And they manage not to be too much of a nuisance, unlike you.” Ned said with a smile at Cathine and holding out a hand to me. His hand enveloped mine in a warm handshake and his black hair fell into his eyes. “Catherine said you’re looking for a place. We’ve only the one room, but it’s better than a kick in the head. Come on, I’ll show you.”

We all went up the stairs together, with Ned first, me following behind him and Catherine and Rhonda bringing up the rear. Each step we made created music in the old wooden stairs, creaks and groans that only an old house could make. Listening to the music that it made, it sounded like the house was happy that I was here. Each creak sounded joyful, each sigh sounded content.

Ned explained that there were four floors in the house: main, second and attic with a basement. This house had been an old Victorian mansion at one point in its life, and he said that most of the wood was original to the home. There was a total of seven rooms, plus the kitchen, living room and dining room. “We don’t have a lot of turn over here, not like regular boarding houses. Catherine herself has been here for a few years. Rent is your standard welfare cheque, but we can work that out later. Wait till you see the room.”

I could hear the music growing with each step we took upwards, the voices of other people talking and the light sound of a guitar being played that joined the music of the house itself. When we reached the second floor, Ned turned and walked own to the end of the hallway. The bathroom was there and the walls had been done in a royal blue with the sinks and bathtub in white ceramic. “There’s only one bathroom I’m afraid. I’ve asked the landlord to put in another, but they don’t want to ruin the house, so we’re going back and forth on it. Good thing is, your room is right here, if you want it.”

He opened the door directly adjacent to the washroom and stepped into a room that was at the back of the house. I wasn’t prepared for the fact that is had a window, and it was a large bright space, perfect for bed and maybe somewhere to sit. It even had its own closet, and most important part was that it had a door. “Does the door lock?”

“Yes, it does. You’d have one key and I’d have the other, just in case there was some kind of emergency. I’d never go into your room without your permission.”

I had a momentary flashback to Joey, the man that had run the boarding house on Arlington. “I’ll take it if you will have me.”

“Wait, you haven’t seen the best part yet, go on and open that door beside the window.”

I walked to the door and took the antique doorknob in hand and pulled opened the door expecting to see a closet, but what I saw was so much more than that: It was a whole other room. Three of the walls only went up part of the way as the rest of the space was taken up by windows.

I walked into the room and turned around so that I could take it all in. The wall with the door was red brick, but it was the windows that drew me. They looked out over a small garden in the backyard and there were vines of ivy covering the corners of the windows. I turned back to Ned, and he could see my shock that must have been written on my face. “This would have been the old sunroom of the house. The landlord didn’t want to split these up, so if you take this room, you’ll get this one, too. It’s a little cold in the winter, but the walls are insulated. Past tenants have put up curtains to keep the warmth in.”

I nodded. I looked at Rhonda and she gave me a thumbs up. I turned back to look at the garden down below and thought of the seeds that I could plant here. It was a place where I would not have to hide in the dirt. I could grow here and hopefully thrive.

“When can I move in?” I asked Ned.

Chapter Twenty-Five – 4 of Wands

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir

The idea of having my own home was still odd to me.

I had to share the washroom with four other men, but my room was mine and no one could take that from me. My meagre amount of clothes barely filled the dresser, but they weren’t in my bag or on the floor. I had my notebook on my desk, and I had alarm clock on the ledge of the window so that it was close by.

It was a comfort to have somewhere of my own to go home to. My childhood home had been filled with love when it could be found, but it tended to hide a lot. There was no love that could stand in the face of violence. Other homes held expectations that had cut off my air and forced me to be someone that I wasn’t. I was disabled and gay and I didn’t fit in.  I was reminded of this so often in various ways, most of them cruel. I tried to take my own life rather than live in a world that would try to take my light.

Home was not a word of comfort for me.

It took having my own room, four walls that provided safety, to realize that home had to start with myself. I had to be at home within myself. Only then could I carry the feeling of home wherever I went. This room wasn’t the ideal home, but it was mime. It was somewhere I could lay my head, somewhere I could read and a place where I could heal.

When the thinking got to be too much, when the four walls became too enclosing, I went looking for those that I loved who felt like home to me. I thought of these people as kindred souls, the ones that helped to keep the flame burning on the candle within shining bright. I found myself drawn more and more to Lisa’s place. It often felt more like home than my room. There were always people dropping by to visit with Lisa. They were from the Pagan community like Sophie and Jess, and they were so open and welcoming. If I had a question about Paganism, something I was struggling to understand, they helped me.

I started going to the Pagan brunches every Sunday at the James Street Feed Co. Everyone shone. I was surprised at how much I felt at home with these people. They were so warm. Almost all of them hugged me close as if they had known me for years when we may have only just met. The Pagans that Lee introduced me to were some of the most beautiful people that I had met. Their light made them beautiful.

They seemed to come from everywhere and from all walks of life. Some of them worked for the government, some were social workers and private care workers, others were artists and poets, dancers and singers. The people that I met at the Pagan brunches didn’t fit any kind of category. They were all completely themselves and seemed to defy categorization. There were Wiccans, Druids, Bards and all manner of different kinds of Pagan. Instead of turning a blind eye or a judgemental one towards what they didn’t think fit in, the Pagan brunches welcomed everyone.

Everyone was home within the tree of life that Paganism offered.

After I attended a few more brunches, I felt more at home with these people that had welcomed me as much as I welcomed them. Much as I had felt at home on the streets, or in my one room, I felt at home here. I got to know more of the people and it felt like I was getting to know myself the further I let myself delve into Paganism. It was a revelation.

I found myself reading more about gods and monsters and the different paths of Paganism. I was gradually finding my way through it all and I had finally found the comfort home within a faith and spirituality that would finally have me just as I am without having to change who or what I was.

Just as I had a physical home in my room for my body, my mind and spirit had found a home, too.

Chapter One – 1 – The Magician

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide

There was only one place that I could think of going. I still didn’t know if it was sensible. I knew he was bad for me, and maybe that was part of the attraction.

I had known Shades before, when I used to come and visit my brother. He had stayed in the shelters and couch surfed and lived off the streets. They had become his home for a while, and he was completely himself there. More than that, we didn’t have the influences of our parents who liked to pit us against each other. All parents do this when there is a divorce; mostly, it’s just happenstance.

My brother and I were our complete selves on the streets.

Everyone mistook me for him. It was hard not to what with us being identical mirror image twins. Each time someone asked if I was him, I felt a sense of pride. I was proud of what my brother had created here. He had made room to fit in and what’s more, he had made room for me.

Even back then when I was just visiting the streets, Shade had an alure about him. He had a chiseled jaw that was always covered in stubble and dirty blond hair that he always wore pushed back. His blue eyes made you feel like you were really being seen. He was such a man, and yet there was an attraction even then, all those years before. He would always be able to charm someone for money and my brother and I would sit with him in numerous coffee shops of Nickels Diner. There was one diner that I’ve forgotten the name of. I know that there was checkered floors, red and white striped walls and green booths. We would go there and get coffee and smoke, choose songs at random on the jukebox. The light would hit his face, and it looked as if it were drawn out of shadows.

When my stepfather kicked me out of my home, I went right to Shades. It was the only place I could think of going. Shades was so enthralling to me. I lost all sense around him. Part of the reason that I got kicked out of home was that I had started seeing Shades. It was only fitting that he provide me with safety in some way, even though I knew he was anything but safe. That was part of his allure.

He could spin the story, work the trick, make the magic, but there was nothing safe about him. That was part of his allure and what drew me to him. I had been the smart boy for so long, the good son. I was desperate to rebel in every way possible.

I didn’t even know which apartment he lived in. I stood in the alleyway and threw small rocks up at his window. Shades opened it and looked down. I didn’t know what else to say, but though that honest probably was best.

“I had nowhere else to go,” I said, trying to keep the desperation out of my voice.

            He looked down at me, his blond hair flashing in the half light of the alleyway. “I’ll be right down,” he said.

I stood there in the dark and thought that he might not show, that he would hide from me inside of his room, the light shining out into the cerulean blue of the night sky. The air was so thick with summer heat and the want of my own body.

Then there were his footsteps, and I knew that I would be okay, at least for now. He took my hand in his and we raced up the stairs to his room. He let go of my hand when we entered the apartment. It had three bedrooms, a common room, bathroom and kitchenette. The other people there were like him, trying to find a place to call home.

“This is my friend,” he said as we walked toward his room. That was the only explanation he gave them, and they didn’t ask for more details. When he closed the door behind him, he shucked of his shirt and we sat there in the summer heat so warm against our skin, listening to his old radio as it played old rock and roll and breathing in the smell of each others sweat.

It wasn’t home, but it was in its own way a beginning.