Tag: Friendship

Chapter Thirty-Eight – 3 of Cups

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Finding Balance, Memoir, Someone Else’s Life

That night, I walked home with Fox and Lisa.

“You weren’t supposed to kiss him!” she said. She sounded like she was admonishing me, but there was laughter in her voice.

“Well, what was I supposed to do?”

“He was supposed to help you heal, talk about your feelings about what happened.”

Fox let out a chuckle. “It looked like there was lots of healing going on there, but I could have misread the situation.” He nudged gently in the ribs. “But I don’t think I did.”

I blushed and wondered if my friends could see it in the darkness as my cheeks burned so brightly. “You’re not wrong.” I said, grinning.

“I didn’t think so. I’m happy for you, man.”

“Thanks,”

“I still think you should have talked first before you started making out.”

“We did talk first,” I told her. “We talked all night.”

“Yeah, but you did you talk about what you’d been through?”

I sighed inwardly. I didn’t want to talk about this in front of Fox. I know that he would accept whatever I had to tell him, but right now, only Lisa, Francis and I knew what I had been through. I didn’t want to bother another person with the sadness that I carried. “Can we just focus on joy this evening? I had a great night, I won the contest, and I don’t feel any shadows around me for one. Can we talk later and just live the joy?” I was far too elated to let her slip up bother me. I had finally kissed a man that found me attractive and wanted to get to know me instead of viewing me as an inconvenience or a freak. “I want to celebrate.” I said.

Lisa stopped and lit three cigarettes, passing one to Fox and one to me. “Can we talk about how you two were eye-fucking each other the entire time? You could cut the sexual tension with a knife around you two.”

Both Fox and I laughed, and it was so wonderful to laugh about something so wonderful. “True, I thought you guys were totally going to dry hump right there.”

“Stop it!” I said, the laughter in me increasing. I was giddy with the sheer joy of it.

“Why would we stop?” Lisa said, grinning. “You wanted a celebration and the sheer act of laughing means that this is a celebration.” She took a mickey of booze out of her purse and showed it to us. “Come on boys, the night is young.”

I led us down a path where the trees opened up above us and we could see the night sky. I could see a few stars shining and I felt like a wish I hadn’t even made had been answered. I watched as the cigarette smoke mingled with the stars, making them look like they were showing themselves through clouds. I wondered if the stars were different than the night before; I certainly felt different.

“You’re glowing, dude.” Fox said.

I blushed even deeper than last time. “Thanks.”

“Just be careful,” Lisa said. “I’ve known Francis a long time and he’s always been alone. He’s never even been attracted to anyone as far as I know.”

“Till me,”

“Till you.” She threw her cigarette butt to the ground and stepped on it to put it out, sending a shower of sparks that bloomed out over the pavement. “I just don’t want you getting hurt. I’m only saying this as your friend.”

“I know.” And I did. She was a mother to all of us, really. She couldn’t help but worry about me. Lisa knew about most of the ways I’d been hurt. She said that’s what made me such a good warrior.

“Remember, Jamie. Warriors don’t feel pain. They take it in and use it to move forward.”

“I know,” I said again.

There was a moment of silence between the three of us. There were so many emotions running through me that it was all I could do just to let myself feel them. The one that came to the surface of the water the most was joy, an absolute, all-consuming joy. It felt good and I felt amazing. I hadn’t

“Dude, can we talk about the kiss?” Fox said. “That kiss was epic!”

I let out a laugh and marvelled at how good a kiss could make me feel. When I looked at Lisa and Fox, we all started laughing. Lisa surprised both Fox and I by letting out a warrior cry that was echoed the joy I felt. She started running as if she wanted to chase down the moon and Fox and I ran after her.

I put my arms out as I ran and, for a moment, I could have sworn that I was flying.

Chapter Nineteen – The Sun

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide, Tarot

I was at the Mission having lunch when I heard someone call out my brother’s name.

Turning automatically, I saw shock and knowing on the persons face. “Your him, but not him, aren’t you?”

“If you mean my brother, then yes and no.” I took in the sight of this man. He looked quite a few years older than me, mid thirties or so. His eyes were filled with curiosity and openness, which was rare. Almost all the people I had met here had storms in their eyes, having survived some kind of trauma and it left a mark on people. He had clouds in his eyes, but even from where I sat, when the clouds moved, I could see the light within him.

“I see that. You are less of a storm than he was and more of the sun.”

Beside me, Sunshine leaned forward. “My name is Sunshine, so what am I?”

The man blinked at him. “You are radiant, I think.”

“Oh, I like this guy.” Sunshine stage whispered to me.

“How long did you know my brother?”

The man shrugged. His hair was combed, and he had a bushel of a moustache and a thick grey beard. He reminded me of a librarian as he was wearing a cardigan and what looked like glasses hanging from a chain around his neck. “I knew him for some time. He was very kind to me on a few occasions and that’s not something you forget.

I thanked him and Sunshine and I finished our meal. As we were about to leave the table, the man called out to me. “I’m going to give you a piece of advice, young man. You need to look for what brings you joy. There is a storm brewing in you and I would hate for it to consume you.”

I shrugged. “I do have joy.” I looked over at Sunshine.

“You need a joy all your own. You can’t always depend on others to be around to keep your light alive.” He tapped my chest gently with the first two fingers of his right hand. “You need to find that joy and carry it in here. That will see you through.”

I thanked him, resisting the urge to give him a hug. I didn’t know if it was okay to hug strangers and I did want to hug him, but I resisted. Maybe he could see me hesitating because he took me in a soft and gentle hug. I let him hug me and I hugged him back. It was the first time that an older man had hugged me, and it brought me so much comfort instead of the fear that my father brought to life. He had never hugged me like this, simply for the sake of a hug. Every time that my father had come close, it had been to hurt, not to heal.

The man smelled of spicy aftershave and tobacco and I breathed that scent in. I’m not sure how long that hug went on for, only that for that moment, all that existed was that embrace. “You are braver than you know. Remember, joy is out there if you are willing to look for it.”

“Thank you,” I breathed. I blinked rapidly to keep the tears from falling.

Sunshine and I left the Mission and walked towards the YSB. I lit a cigarette, took a drag and handed it to him.

“That’s pretty amazing.”

“What is?”

“When everyday angels like that show up in your path.”

“What do you mean?”

“My mom always used to tell me about ordinary people that come into our paths just for an instant. They are supposed to bring us clarity, show us the road ahead or just help us in a moment of need.”

“Do you really think that’s what that man was? Some kind of angel?”

“Don’t you?” Sunshine said.

I thought about what the man had said. I needed to find my own joy in order to keep my light alive. I thought of the storm that had raged in my brother for as long as I’ve known him. It gave him the monicker of bad son and troublemaker, but I knew that what propelled him was a need to find out where his place was in this world and not being able to find a place for himself.

I was going through the same journey now and had to let go of the fear. I needed to remind myself that I had a lot to be joyful about. I had my street family, I had Sunshine, I had friends. I may not know where I was going, but I could see the road ahead of me more than I had been able to before.

There was joy to be found in that. I pictured a candle inside my chest right next to my heart. Its wick was lit with a small flame, a pinprick of light. It was a spark that had been given life inside of me. I cupped my hands around that small flame to keep it safe. I needed to shine my own light and every light began with a spark.

Chapter Ten – The Wheel of Fortune

by Jamieson Wolf, posted in A Tarot Guide

Rainbow was a consummate host.

He made sure that I was comfortable, and we became close. There was nothing romantic between us. Truthfully, it was just good to have a friend. I knew a lot of people on the street, but there weren’t many that I could call friend, at least not yet. It felt good to have a friend in a world that was so new to me.

I gave too much of myself away to other people. I had always been told that this was one of my failings. I couldn’t help it; I was hardwired that way, the eternal peacekeeper. It was the role I had been used to playing because it had been safer.  

I also knew when to keep myself safe and balance that with the role of a peacekeeper. I had put up a wall with Shades and I had been building it for a while. It was a way of keeping everyone happy and ensure my safety. I had been taught to do this since I was young. Growing up, there needed to be a someone to keep the peace with my father. It was easier than the alternative which happened all too often.

It was wonderful to have someone in my life who I could be myself with and not worry about romantic entanglements, protecting myself and trying to look for what was underneath so that I could see what the other person was hiding. Sunshine was completely himself and I had never known anyone like him before. I felt safe to be with him and didn’t have to hide anything about myself. I didn’t want to tell him my life story, but his behaviour towards me let me know that I could if I wanted to.

One evening, we were both scribbling away in our journals. He had given me a spare one of his as I had filled up my notebook, even with the extra paper. “I still think that my journals are going to be published some day,” he said softly over the music of pen scratching. “I wonder what kind of people will read them? Who they will be? Did you ever wonder who will read your words?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know what story I want to tell.”

He shrugged. “You have to let yourself live, Jamie. You think too much. I can see it in your eyes. You’re always trying to think past the next few steps, what comes next. It must be so tiring. You have to just live day by day. Don’t worry about tomorrow before you live today.” He handed lit a cigarette and passed one to me, lit one for himself. They were slim 100’s in a gold and black carton. I felt fancy and so literary when I smoked these cigarettes. They reminded me of black and white film stars.

I sat there looking at the blank page in front of me. I knew that I wanted to start a new cycle for myself. I also knew that I had been lucky to find Sunshine when I arrived on the streets. He had been a friend from the word go. I looked at him writing out of the corner of my eyes as I tried writing some words. He was completely himself and I knew that if I was going to make it out here on my own that I would have to look at myself in a different way.

I was not a victim in any of this. Though the place I had known as my home had been taken from me and nothing was like it had been, that didn’t mean that this was horrible. I had found safety with Sunshine and I had found my freedom again. I had left home on my own when I was sixteen and I been okay. I could do this again. I didn’t have to be afraid anymore. I couldn’t be afraid if I was going to make it and the thing of it was that I knew I could make it and that I had already made it by not going back to my stepfather grovelling at his feet for him to take me back into a house that had never really been a home anyways.

Looking down at the paper in front of me, I drew a door. I flipped to the other side of the page and drew an open doorway. The smoke from my cigarette made it seem like there was fog coming from within my words and all I had to do was see past the mist to find where my words had been hiding.

Taking a drag from my cigarette, I put my pen to a clean sheet of paper and let my words free.